I am the sole caregiver for my husband who has had 3 strokes. I do everything. He has me running ragged whether it's going to get things for him, picking up dirty clothes from the floor, newspapers under the dining room table....the list is endless. Yet he treats me and has actually said that this is my duty as his wife. Then he makes demeaning comments about me and doesn't want me to go anywhere or do anything because he can't
Sounds like hubby is angry at himself that he's not there fully for you as a team player. So he's going to vent at whomever is closet to him, and that would be you. Is that fair? Of course, not. If he is able to undress himself then he should be able to find the hamper, or put an extra laundry basket where he usually drops his clothes.
Go on strike, he's going to yell at you anyway, yet you will be in control. You will pick up his clothes and newspapers when YOU feel like it.
So it's time for the mister to go into an adult day program where other people can be his entertainment and focus for a few hours several days a week. These programs frequently have transportation who can come get him at the house and bring him back. He might also benefit from some physical therapy if it's been a while and he looks like he's losing range of motion and mobility (HINT HINT HINT).
You don't get the same person back after one stroke, much less three. And I'm so very sorry. My mom had a big one back in my 2nd year of college and nobody warned me about the personality change and super short temper. She was also going through menopause at the same time and was like a bat out of h3ll.
She's had more since and frequent TIAs that didn't help.
He also needs to see a psychologist to treat any underlying depression that's going on. This is also really normal post-stroke. It's a huge adjustment for a lot of people.
YOU have to do what must be done to keep your husband safe and well, but you also have to look out for yourself. This caregiving situation has evolved into something that sounds abusive and toxic. There is no rule that says you have to suck it up at your own mental and physical expense.
Talk to his doctor privately and if that doctor blows you off and tells you to just let it pass and take a tea break at 11:00, and lie down at 2:00 to calm your lady nerves, find another doctor.
This is not a situation that should be allowed to progress/get worse. Let us know how it's going and what you have questions about so we can help you!
It works... How can he fight if you don't fuel him?
you have not told us anything else about yourselves , age, length of time married, first or subsequent marriage for one or both of you, any kids involved,
financial situation, living situation, VA Vet and most important of all has he always been abusive. it is very easy to jump in and say.Oh you your poor dear he should not be allowed to treat you like that but the fact is you are stuck and you let him. As the saying goes it takes two to tango.and he is setting the pace. There may be all kinds of help for you out there. but telling you to send him to adult daycare,take time for yourself etc etc (apologies to those who made these suggestions they are good ones) but in your shoes I would probably say "Yea right!!!!!!! please come back and tell us more this is a very safe place to vent and many others have "been there done that" Blessings
Besides just trying to behavior-modify him by non-responding to mean statements or unnecessary requests, here is another idea that might work if he still has some capability for empathy. The next time he says something cruel, let the tears come and let him see it and then walk away to compose yourself. If he just yells at you more, stay away, don't make eye contact. If he even begins to apologize or ask you what's wrong or anything that hints of a shred of remorse or concern, unload how bad the things he says are making you feel. You could try to explain that it's not the care you NEED to give him that makes things hard, it the verbal put downs and the demands to do things that could wait so you could get a rest or just breathe or sit down and watch and enjoy a TV show with him instead of waiting on him. Maybe, just maybe, if he understands that he may not be able to do things he wished he could do, he could do one very very powerful thing, and that would be to make you feel better by having a kind or encouraging word for you and modifying the constant requests in ways that would make it easier for you.
Despite everything, consider going back to the rehab center and asking for some counseling. Make sure you have clarity on what hubby can and should do independently and what he really can't. Find ways to get out together. Rehab patients who can't move a muscle from the neck down still get out and about with readily available equipment all the time, it takes more planning and more effort and may not be an everyday thing if it is just you to organize it, but it is worth it if it is at all possible.
Accentuate the positives (time for a song methinks) by engaging when he is nice and eliminate the negatives by walking out of the room when he isn't. Don't let him even finish the sentence. but do mention it to his doc just in case it is depression not an accentutation of who he was before.
And always remember you don't HAVE to stay but if you leave you have to live with the consequences. Some difficult times ahead sweetheart, he is jealous fo your capacity and his incapacity but if you stay strong and don't accept his comments you will be better placed to handle him.
As for duty.... I was gutted when I got married I thought my marriage licence was renewable every year!