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I believe that while Alzheimer's (or any other mental impairment) might be an explanation for dysfunctional behaviour it isn't an excuse, nobody should suck up verbal or physical abuse. Have you talked to his doctor about it?
Has he always been an angry or is this since his diagnosis? I can understand the anger and is it linked maybe to depression? You should discuss this with his doctor. There are medications that can help with depression there are medications that can help with anxiety. As to verbal assaults keep in mind that with many types of dementia the "normal filters" are gone, while not an excuse it is a reason for some behavior. Try walking out of the room if it is safe to leave him. Wear headphones when safe to do so. Make sure you get a break, get caregivers in to help out a few days a week if possible. BUT and this is a biggie. .... If the anger becomes a violent anger you have to protect yourself! If you are injured who will then care for both of you? This is a discussion that you need to have with family, with him if he can comprehend at this point. IF he becomes violent you can not keep him at home if you are not safe caring for him. Also if it becomes unsafe for you or him for any reason you can not care for him by yourself.
Yes he has always had anger issues. His anger has scared me since I’ve known him. We’ve been married 40 years. I left him a few years ago for over a year and then took him back (a terrible mistake) now he has declined so that he needs me. I don’t have any romantic feelings for him but I care about him. If that makes any sense. I feel guilty about thoughts I have related to being relieved of having to care for him. Knowing it can go on for years is stressful. I don’t know how long I can do this. If he gets angry his behavior is irrational and. If I try to get away from him he gets very agitated. I’m torn between putting up with him or putting myself first. He sometimes threatens suicide. Yes I’ve talked to his doctor and his doc had a chat with him about his abuse towards me. He is better since then but lately getting very angry at me again for such small things. I am walking on eggshells. He is in an antidepressant. It has helped I think. Before that I was frightened by his behavior and looking for a place to stay. I want to thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses.
You're not required to take any difficult behavior from your husband. However, he does have Alzheimer's and he is your husband. Your anxiety and depression makes his behavior very difficult to deal with. Educate yourself about the disease through books, videos, support groups, etc. I think understanding what a person living with AD goes thru is a great help in addressing certain behaviors. We all ( caregivers) have our limits and not recognizing what they are can be a big injustice to both you and your husband. Remember this can go on for years yet. Talk to his doctor about meds that can help. Do you have others, paid or unpaid, who can come and give you some respite time from him? Is a care facility an option?
My sweet wonderful father first became "angry", and then he became "violent". That was the end for us as a family, as he and Mom lived with us. We got him into a MC for a short term stay until we could regroup and decide what to so. He was actually happy there, and so that was the best choice for us and our safety. We took Mom and visited daily. He passed from DM and ALZ after a month, and his passing was at the MC with hospice, and it was the best it could be. Good luck, and take care of your own self!
Pamela8 I hope that you can get out of this situation. It is not an uncommon occurrence for the person with Alzheimer's to injure or kill the people that live in the home with them. I feel that you are on a very slippery slope because your husband has always had anger issues and you may not be able to tell if there is a reason for you to fear for your life versus him just being angry, since anger is a usual behavior for him. Please don't sacrifice yourself to help him, protect yourself first.
Pamela8... What I am going to say is not easy and many people would disagree with me but.... Exit the situation. You need to talk to an Eldercare Attorney to determine what the best course of action for the both of you would be. He is abusive and has always been so. He will not change and most likely it will only get worse. And most likely leading to you getting injured. Is he a Veteran? If so how can the VA help? Make calls. Depending on where and when he served there may be a little help or there could be quite a bit that you can get. Financially would it be better to place him in Memory Care and remain married OR would it be better to divorce him. I am not talking about completely "abandoning" him but financially what is the better option for both of you? You have to look at the long term picture, at his age he could live another 15 or more years. (My Husband was diagnosed at 62 and we had a 13 year journey with dementia) You do not have to discuss your decisions with anyone. This is all a private matter. And all decisions will be made with the best interest of both of you in mind. So while divorce in some cases is an emotional one in this case ti could be strictly financial. You do not indicate what he did so I have no idea if something like this would even be possible. But you have to protect yourself for the future as well. (I thought of this option as well but it would not have worked for me financially) These are discussions to have with an Eldercare Attorney.
To answer your last question...You don't have to take it.
I totally agree with "Grandma1954". I'm a family physician and have had to advise families with this same issue over the years. Many spouses don't immediately get away from the threat either by placing the dementia patient in a facility or by leaving the home which means there is potential for things to rapidly deteriorate. With that in mind, in addition to suggestions from "Grandma1954", I suggest you do the following: get originals or copies of important legal papers out of the house. Ask a family member or friend to store them for you or put in safety deposit box. This includes: marriage certificate; birth certificates; deed to house; major financial papers [loans, credit card, banking], will, POA, etc. Hide a house key and car key outside somewhere that only you know about it Pack a bag and leave it in the car NEVER quarrel with him in the kitchen. Too many sharp things in a kitchen in case it turns violent. Get some counseling - there may even be free or sliding scale counseling available through your local women's shelter Get OUT ASAP! This situation will only get worse. He will NEVER change and the dementia will continue to magnify his negative personality traits. In my experience many if not most people with dementia exhibit exaggerations of their basic underlying personality: mean people get meaner and sweet people get sweeter. There are always exceptions but that's been my experience. I expect he has been "gaslighting" you for decades and this affects your decision making process because you end up doubting yourself so much. Same thing happens with bullies and addicts: They suck you into their dysfunctional world until you're convinced it's normal.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I can understand the anger and is it linked maybe to depression?
You should discuss this with his doctor. There are medications that can help with depression there are medications that can help with anxiety. As to verbal assaults keep in mind that with many types of dementia the "normal filters" are gone, while not an excuse it is a reason for some behavior. Try walking out of the room if it is safe to leave him. Wear headphones when safe to do so. Make sure you get a break, get caregivers in to help out a few days a week if possible.
BUT and this is a biggie. ....
If the anger becomes a violent anger you have to protect yourself! If you are injured who will then care for both of you?
This is a discussion that you need to have with family, with him if he can comprehend at this point. IF he becomes violent you can not keep him at home if you are not safe caring for him. Also if it becomes unsafe for you or him for any reason you can not care for him by yourself.
Exit the situation.
You need to talk to an Eldercare Attorney to determine what the best course of action for the both of you would be.
He is abusive and has always been so. He will not change and most likely it will only get worse. And most likely leading to you getting injured.
Is he a Veteran? If so how can the VA help? Make calls. Depending on where and when he served there may be a little help or there could be quite a bit that you can get.
Financially would it be better to place him in Memory Care and remain married OR would it be better to divorce him. I am not talking about completely "abandoning" him but financially what is the better option for both of you? You have to look at the long term picture, at his age he could live another 15 or more years. (My Husband was diagnosed at 62 and we had a 13 year journey with dementia)
You do not have to discuss your decisions with anyone. This is all a private matter. And all decisions will be made with the best interest of both of you in mind. So while divorce in some cases is an emotional one in this case ti could be strictly financial. You do not indicate what he did so I have no idea if something like this would even be possible. But you have to protect yourself for the future as well. (I thought of this option as well but it would not have worked for me financially) These are discussions to have with an Eldercare Attorney.
To answer your last question...You don't have to take it.
get originals or copies of important legal papers out of the house. Ask a family member or friend to store them for you or put in safety deposit box. This includes: marriage certificate; birth certificates; deed to house; major financial papers [loans, credit card, banking], will, POA, etc.
Hide a house key and car key outside somewhere that only you know about it
Pack a bag and leave it in the car
NEVER quarrel with him in the kitchen. Too many sharp things in a kitchen in case it turns violent.
Get some counseling - there may even be free or sliding scale counseling available through your local women's shelter
Get OUT ASAP! This situation will only get worse. He will NEVER change and the dementia will continue to magnify his negative personality traits.
In my experience many if not most people with dementia exhibit exaggerations of their basic underlying personality: mean people get meaner and sweet people get sweeter. There are always exceptions but that's been my experience.
I expect he has been "gaslighting" you for decades and this affects your decision making process because you end up doubting yourself so much. Same thing happens with bullies and addicts: They suck you into their dysfunctional world until you're convinced it's normal.