My mother-in-law just got out of the hospital and sent to a rehab facility. My husband went over to get her some clothes and the his dad and brothers won't let him saying she only has the one dress that she has on. I know for a fact that she has always dressed nicely and has pants and blouses. They wouldn't even give us a gown for her to sleep in. What can we do to get them to let us have some of her clothes for her to wear while she is in rehab?
This is breaking my heart!
Family had been unsure what to do... Noticed some.memory changes but not sure how to push someone refusing to bathe/change clothes. In fact in eg 2. the Son had BOTH frail aging parents to care for.
SW identified what support the caregivers needed, they were open to this & SW helped them locate it.
Eg 1. I was called by the Rehab Mgr to get clothes for one parent. The other was in the midst of this sudden health crises & had not thought much about clothing. I went to collect it (I was welcomed & thanked by the way, so that differs). But old age frugality had set in long before & not enough of anything was found. Had to go shopping.
Eg 2. Family I met via work. Older lady fell & I met her along her recovery journey. One dress she wore in. Filthy footwear. Family did not bring anything in, not toiletries, clothing, anything. Didn't appear to cross her husband or son's minds. They were asked to being clothing. Didn't. Reason?? Not known. No other clothing? Unwashed? No longer fit?? A relative (not sure who) eventaully brought things in.
I had to check the profile of TxBeBe... I actually thought it was the same family I had met!!
Are you talking about your husband's brothers ("and the his dad?" - unclear)
It is a red flag to me that you appear to be SO specifically concerned about her dress / clothing for rehab. This ISN'T about clothes - it is about family discord / perhaps legal issues and who has legal authority to manage care of your husband's mother's care?
You ask: What can we do?
1. Ask to talk to them about the situation. Document it in writing.
2. * Figure out who has access to bank / financial records (his mother's) and find out where her $ is going and how. Accurate records should be kept.
* Find out what her health / welfare is and how they are caring for her.
3. Contact an attorney
4. I don't know enough about this situation to recommend you call APS. However, you need to know what APS is and what they do (Adult Protective Services).
I am flummoxed by your question.
There is much more to this situation / story you aren't telling us.
Gena / Touch Matters
"It is a red flag to me that you appear to be SO specifically concerned about her dress / clothing for rehab. This ISN'T about clothes - it is about family discord / perhaps legal issues and who has legal authority to manage care of your husband's mother's care?"
Right on.
I just read a little further down...it does not sound like a healthy situation going on in that house. It might be a relief for mom to be in the facility at the moment. Maybe you and your husband can go buy his mom a nice set of pajamas and a comfortable outfit appropriate to do therapy in. Probably the nicest thing anyone has done for her in a while.
To my mind there is a simple solution to this. Stay off their door step. Tell the facility that mom has clothing and it is at her home and ______ ____, her son is POA and his phone number is, and that he will be HAPPY to bring clothing when they call. Which I am sure he WILL be.
This is again a matter of something we see here all the time. Siblings at war over an elder. And I get furious about it. This is a helpless elder in her last days. Can they not keep it cool until she is gone?
Your DH & yourself, despite not being POA can still *advocate* for his Mother/your MIL. Can ask to have a meeting with the Health Team at the Rehab as 'concered family' to share your concerns.
Hospital-Rehab-Home is the preferred pathway BUT it is OK to speak up with concerns to ensure the Home option is discussed & explored, to ensure it is a SAFE direction.
My advice would be to stay on message: Your concerns + MIL's care needs being met.
However, I would probably add in these relevant points;
* Dad is 90, has fears about the money/house.
* Bother has history of anti-social attitude (? distrust of others).
These will throw up red flags - hopefully lead to more investigation or family meetings.
This may not be a round table event with everyone (you, DH, MIL, FIL & Bother) it may just be FIL & Bother - as Spouse & POA. That may be enough for the Rehab SW to look into MIL's living situation.
Where I live there is a housing crises. Many of the older gen are 'house-rich' but 'care-poor'. An informal sort of 'House for Care' deal can be struck up with one of their adult offspring. Moves in, provides care, uses the funds, wants/expects that house etc. Yuk.
I've heard SWs can use Family Meetings for many tasks - to update family on rehab progress, attempt to dislodge denial if required, also to delve into the motivation to 'Age in Place' at home: Elder's wishes, fear of change, unaware of options.. or family looking to protect assets for their own financial gain.
Not allowing MIL her clothing may have been the tip of the iceberg.
We also asked about concerns of the bother taking her out of the facility before she is actually released. So that has been flagged. We are on the right road without going over the top. There are also great concerns about the home situation and the dad so now we will be able to address all of that and get the proper help.
If you have never dealt with anything like this you really are lost as to what to do. I want to handle it in a calm manner not go crazy and involve the police and then it becomes a he said/ he said. The bother and dad have a real fear of losing the house and money and we are the enemy. So sad. Nothing is worth this type of pain and disrespect.
We took her clothes yesterday but she is just not mentally there anymore. She didn't really react. I don't think she understood they were new which is ok. That doesn't matter but we know she now has something to wear. We also were able to get her a shower and then they changed her clothes - thank goodness! It's like she has been kept so isolated there nothing there. So sad but now we are getting her help and we will go from here.
Again thank you so much for just being there for me and listening.
HUGS!
So brother is caring for his parents because he gets everything.
Thank you for the advice!
Please take this time in rehab to consult a lawyer about dividing her part of the marital assets and a social worker about helping her heal from the trauma at home.
To me, it is anyone's guess here, but as with all cases we see on AC, this is to me a matter of siblings at war. In this war it is the MOTHER who suffers with divided children, and no one else. And these cases always remind me of the Saint who had their clothing (and sometimes a finger or two) ripped off as they lay dying (see Catherine of Siena.).
Anyway, I hesitate to guess who is an "innocent here" EXCEPT mom She is TRULY an innocent and if there is thought that there is abuse at home then APS Should be requested while she is in care and safe, to open a case to speak WITH HER.
Now there IS, of course, a good deal more to this story, isn't there? Because to imagine that a husband and siblings would deny their mother clothing would be to think that they are a little bit "nutty". I would imagine this has to do with some sort of toxic family squabble thing?
If you have a feeling that your mother is being abused at home them you should avail yourself of this opportunity to speak with Social Worker at facility or to ask APS to speak with mom and ascertain if she HERSELF feels abused. At to brother who is caring for them in their home and quit his job to do so, you mention he inherits. I sure hope so. And I hope he has a care contract with an attorney so there is a shared cost of living contract so that things are written out. But that is on him and the parents he is caring for as their POA.
Whatever the case, a lovely pair of sweat pants and a few tee shirts will suffice for the hard work of rehab. Talk to the folks in the facility itself. The will guide you what to buy.
I wish your MIL great good recovery as the works hard with rehab to recover. This is a time of great stress for the family, I am certain, so endeavor to be kind and supportive to one another which is the greatest gift that can now be given to mom.
She just doesn't seem like she's there - not any real reaction to this. I think they (bother/dad) has kept her so isolated she has shut down. Today there will be an assessment meeting about her care. We will also be meeting with an EL to see about an assessment of the home and that situation.
I agree HOKAS are great shoes. She actually has a hairline fracture in her foot so she is in a boot. Not sure how that happened. Not getting a straight answer. She fell???
We will get through this and she will be stronger and more herself. Then the discussion will be where to go from her for her safety.
Hugs!
This is really weird that these men will not allow u to take her clothes. If its true all she hasbis one dress, sounds like abuse to me.
I know now she is in a safe place and is going to get stronger every day.
Thank you for taking to time to help!
Fact: MIL is in rehab.
Fact: Needs clothing, daywear + nightwear.
Reported: Husband goes to his parent's house to collect clothing for his Mother. This is refused by his Father & Brother. (I guess Brother lives there too or visiting).
IMHO seems like a reasonable, practical thing to do!
(I have done same.. but my Father was very grateful I collected clothing to trek over to rehab).
Did they give a reason?
Is MIL a little fussy & they want time to ensure they chose exactly right, wash & iron it all first??
Or embarressed no items had been washed? Maybe as MIL did all that?
Did they even open the door?
Are they sitting around in stale weeks old clothing themselves & so cannot understand MIL needing clean clothing?
My husband's bother quit is job to "take care" of them. My husband was told last year by the dad that there will not be any money for him and it will be left to the younger brother. We have always told him (dad) that any money was his to take care of him and Mom. Then the dad said the house will also be given to the bother because we have a house and he doesn't! That's fine too. There is nothing my husband wants from his dad but we weren't aware how bad the Mom was until we kept calling to see if we could take her to lunch and found out she was in the hospital. WOW right! The bother (who lives there) keeps the house phone turned off and if you want to call her you have to go through him to even get to talk to her. This isn't the 1st time, I called her a few months ago and actually got to talk to her and asked if she wanted to come over & Paul (my husband) would pick her up and take her home after a couple of hours. She seemed excited then 30 mins. later the dad call and said Thank you for asking her but she wouldn't be able to come over because she didn't feel well.
We know how hard it is to be a caregiver and appreciate all that the bother has done, BUT he basically only takes care of the dad because the dad puts himself first. He's going to be 90 and very selfish. As far as the clothes, when Paul went over there to pick up some clothes (she use to dress nice) they said she only wears the housedress she has on and nothing else???? She even sleeps in it. Paul asked what about when it is washed - no answer.
We have respected the decision they had made about the bother helping them and Paul has visited but they all sit there and nothing has been too obvious until now. So much has been covered up. I am so sorry it has gotten to this point but now we know and will make sure she receives the care and respect she needs. My heart is really hurting. Thank you for taking the time to answer. I know things are going to be better. She might not be able to go back home and need another place but it will be better that what she has had for sure.
We hare stunned about all of this too. That is why I needed to reach out. Thank you for being there.
You husband would be wise to arrange POA now so that he can spend her monies are HER needs.
I went today and got her some clothes and meeting with the rehab center to see what they are going to be able to do to help her get stronger and healthier.
As far as the POA spending the dad's money(because they don't seem to think it is for the Mom), he is spending it. He has a new Traeger Smoker and a truck......he's all good!
Thank you again for being there.
You should make sure what her discharge plan is. Do not EVER take in a MIL from rehab on a temporary basis unless you want her to be at your house for the rest of her life (not advisable). I doubt that the dad and brothers are going to take care of her, so that leaves an assisted living or other professional care. Educate yourself about the options immediately so you can advise her.
I hope your MIL recovers well.
She just went there last night and we have a meeting with the facility once they have determined what she will be needing. At this time we will let them know what has taken place.
Thank you, again.