Hi, thank you in advance to those who will read this and offer advice. I am seeking guidance. I have a very complicated relationship with my mother. She is extremely codependent. She recently had her 6th divorce, and has looked to me for support. She is not sick. She in fact is very healthy, and needs no care for anything. She does not want to live alone, and says that after all she has done for me and her kids she can not believe we are not there for her. The issue is that for the last several years she has wanted to live with me, and although I have told her no, somehow I find I am sharing my home with her anyways. I have expressed to her that I want my own privacy, I want my own space to grow and flourish. I have expressed that it has nothing to do with her and that I just want to be on my own. None of these are acceptable, and turns into “I have provided for you my whole life and now that I don’t want to be alone you aren’t there for me”. It’s incredibly unfair. I wouldn’t really mind except she is so exhausting. Any little thing sets her off, so I am walking on eggshells constantly. She will holler, yell, put me down, etc over anything. If I have a night planned with my friends, forget about it. She is calling me because “she is cold and the heat isn’t working” or “she left her purse in my car” …… it’s always something. I ignore her and continue my night but it is annoying to deal with her tantrums after I have worked all week and just want to relax or spend time with my friends. I love her very much but I really need to get away. I am unsure how to do this without cutting her off. Although she is needier in old age, she has always been codependent and has always had a short temper with me. I even moved states and after a few months she followed me here. I have set firm boundaries however it turns into a guilt trip. I do not want her alone all day just existing but I do not want her invading my life. She refuses to get any friends, or do anything social. She tells me I just don’t understand that she only wants family and I will regret telling her she can’t be here when she dies (my dad is passed away - so this is always awful for me to hear her say). She in fact has even asked me if my dad were here would I tell him he can’t live with me. My answer is always yes, because I need my space as an adult. My siblings are 20 years older than me, and one has cut off contact with her. The other two do not want her living with them. She does not guilt trip them. I have no kids and I am not married. I do not blame her for not wanting to be alone but I really would like my own life. I have no idea how to handle this situation and am looking for guidance. Can someone who has longer life experience than me please guide me here? Thank you.
Tell her you are busy getting married or maybe divorced, you aren’t sure right now but she must remember how stressful that all was and you will get back with her in a year or two unless you are getting married or divorced. A bit difficult to keep up with…especially for the older children.
KBell, you will have to set boundaries.
Breaking away from someone like that, particularly a parent is extremely hard. You will need a good counselor to help you set firm boundaries. My advice is to find someone experienced in enmeshment, codependency so you can break this pattern, and possibly bpd so you know what you're dealing with. I'm not a psychiatrist so obviously can't diagnose, just looking at the behaviors.
Her behavior is not going to change, so it's about how you respond. You are fortunate in that physical issues with her haven't manifested yet. Hopefully you can tell her she needs to get a place of her own soon. You will need a good counselor to help you role play and navigate that conversation with minimal damage to your psyche and stay firm.
You are deserving of an independent life outside of your mom's. I wish you the best, it's not going to be easy but it's necessary. If she won't accept it and keeps literally stalking you (following you when you moved!) you may need to cut her off. If she wants to be alone all day and just exist you can't fix that.
She is exhausting and the only thing I can do is threaten her with jail for trespassing because the one thing she doesn’t want is to go to jail.
As Tyler Perry said recently, “you can love the toxic members of your family from afar.”
I’m mostly no contact with my sister and sometimes low contact if I have to be because of our mother and then I “gray rock” the hell out of her until I go NC again.
Do yourself a favor and read up on personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder and the terms that go along with them such as:
FOG: fear, obligation and guilt
dont JADE: justify, argue, defend, explain
emotional vampire
and GRAY ROCK: when you speak with her, use the most monotone, flat affect you can muster, fewest words possible and make yourself as uninteresting as possible so she can’t feed off of your emotions and distress that she causes you.
You don’t owe her an explanation on why she has to move out. All you need to do is tell her she has to move out in the smallest amount of words possible. And remember, NO is a complete sentence.
Another saying people here use is “I can’t possibly do that”
You have received good advice. I second finding a therapist who can help you sort this out. I second the comment about enmeshment and possible borderline personality disorder in your mom.
This sentence stands out for me: “she has wanted to live with me, and although I have told her no, somehow I find I am sharing my home with her anyways.”
That “Somehow” is you allowing her to impose herself on you. Allowing her needs or desires to override yours. That was a major case of you not enforcing boundaries. It’s likely a pattern you have had with her most or all of your life that she created. Whenever you have that feeling of “no I don’t want that” - that is what you need to listen to and act on rather than “somehow” giving in to what she insists she needs and you must give her.
It can seem impossible at first. But you can do it. And it’s going to be easier to do it now while she is still healthy and has no major physical challenges.
Good luck!!
“ I do not want her alone all day just existing but I do not want her invading my life .”
You are not responsible for your mother’s happiness . She is choosing to be alone . She is the one refusing to socialize or make friends with others her own age .
Tell Mom she has to move out . If she refuses to move out , go to an attorney and start the eviction process.
You allowed your mother to move in and tried to set boundaries but your mother ignores them . Time to tell Mom that living together is not working and that you want to live alone . Cutting off contact ( at least temporarily if not permanent ) after she moves out may be necessary if she continues to berate , guilt trip , and tries to trample your boundaries .
She is young, my mother is 99 soon to be a 100, she could live another 30 years, then what? Your life will be destroyed, follow your older sibling's lead.
Sending support your way!
You didn’t cause her mess and you can’t fix her mess.
You need to drastically cut back contact with her. There is nothing so interesting going on in her life that she needs to update you daily. A once a week phone call is plenty, so stop answering all those calls.
Your mother desperately needs to grow up. The sibling that cut off contact likely made the right choice. She clearly has some serious mental issues you won’t be able to fix.
And now you've been nominated to be her 7th spouse in a weird sick kind of way.
You say that you "have set firm boundaries," but if that were the case your mom wouldn't now be living with you right?
Instead you have allowed her to guilt you into letting her live with you, and that shows absolutely no boundaries whatsoever.
You need some good therapy with an experienced counselor in how to first learn to say the word NO and really mean it, and second how to stop this very unhealthy co-dependency that exists between the 2 of you.
You are NOT responsible for your moms happiness and life...she is. You are only responsible for yourself, and the choices/decisions that you now make as an adult.
And I must say that your choice to allow your co-dependent mom to move in with you, was not your wisest decision.
But thankfully it's not too late for you to put your big girl panties on and let your mom know that she now has until the end of November to find a place of her own and then you stick to your guns and get her out.
Yes, she'll try her best to guilt you into letting her stay, but I'm telling you that any mom in her right mind, would NEVER do to their child what yours is doing to you.
So toughen up and get your mom out and your life back. You deserve it!
Your mother did not just happen to live with you - you allowed her to. You made that choice and you can make the choice to separate yourself from her. If that requires eviction, then you will have to go that route.
I once let my mother move in with me and my friend "temporarily" till she found her own place. Fairly quickly it became obvious that she had no intention of finding her own place but wanted me to look after her, though she was very healthy. I couldn't allow that to continue so I let her know I would help her find her own place. Every evening when I came home from work I sat with her and the newspaper (years ago we when we used newspapers) and looked through it for a suitable place. After a few evenings of this, predictably she became angry, made a scene and accused me of whatever. I simply stated that she had to find her own place. I stuck to my guns and one evening she flounced off and found her own place and I had peace in my home. I never made the mistake of allowing her to live with me again.
I'm going to suggest that you have a talk with your mother that this arrangement is not working for you. That it was a mistake for you to allow her to live with you and that she has to find her own place. Plan what you are going to say, write it out if you need to, Stay calm as you speak with her - you know that she will erupt into anger, blame, be a victim. and so on. Don't let her words sway you. They are not true. And don't try to make her understand you. She won't. You don't have to justify your choices - just state them firmly. They are your choices You are allowed to make your own choices!
She is trying to manipulate you (and succeeding so far) and uses FOG - fear, obligation and guilt - and lies. She has NOT looked after you all her life, or all your life. This is a lie to make you feel guilty. Don't fall for these tricks. That's all they are - tricks to get you to do what she wants. Even when she gets what she "wants" she will not be happy or satisfied.
So do what is good for you. It's your life.
I have gone for counselling off and on all my adult life. it has helped my speak up for my own needs and learn to set boundaries with consequences and keep them. When you set boundaries you do it to protect yourself and you can generally expect that the other person won't keep them or you wouldn't need to set them. Only set boundaries and consequences that you are prepared to keep, but then do follow through with the consequences.
You may have set boundaries but your haven't followed through with the consequences. You have allowed guilt trips to make you back down, so your boundaries are not firm at all. Your mother has learned this about you. A counsellor can help you with setting limits and consequences and keeping them, and so can reading "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend - a book often recommended here.
Focus on yourself and your own needs. They are important. Don't react to your mother's emotional outbursts. Decide what you need and say it and stick to it no matter what,
Wishing you all the best in changing this very difficult situation. You can do it. (((((hugs)))))
I am confused, does your Mom live with you now or is it she just happens to show up?
You need help about your SELF.
Mom isn't going to change; This works perfectly well for her, so why would she change it?
As you tell us directly, "she has always been this way".
So what's new?
And you apparently have also always been the way you are?
Some here will recommend the book Boundaries to you. I am afraid if you haven't handled this by the grown up age of 32, that book isn't going to be the answer, either.
This isn't really a problem involving your mother, as she is who she is and will always be that. This is a problem involving YOU and I would suggest that you handle it with an excellent therapist. I do not mean one of those silly online things. I mean a good therapist who does more than listens, one who shakes you up and breaks you out of habitual ways of reacting that have been formed over three decades. Going to take lots of work and no little consternation on your part, but it is well worth it to break out of your self-inflicted prison of behavior in reaction to a difficult woman.
Remember, no one can "guilt trip you". You have to do that all by yourself, and TO yourself. You didn't cause your mother's emotional damage and borderline personality and you won't be fixing it. She's 70. Quite honestly likely a bit too late for therapy for HER. She's basically had her life, created it as it is. I am hoping you can avoid that, but that will have to be your choice. You are a grownup. No one can make this choice but you by yourself and for yourself if you CHOOSE to.
I hope for your own sake you will get help. I wish you the best.
The best life advice I ever got was from my best friend who said, “ Love them from afar.” In this case she was referring to a recent ex I was crying about, but it applies to anyone who we love even when it is not good for us. Love can’t always be turned off, even when it’s unreasonable, but this advice has proved to be so doable. I’ve used it a couple of times for sure.
You can still love your mom, but like everyone says here, time to create some distance and build your own life. She won’t change unless she chooses to do it herself, her happiness should not be your impossible burden. Love her from afar.
1) “I love her very much BUT”. Would you ‘love’ anyone else who treated you like this? Chances are not likely! Most of us have a special relationship with our parents, just because they are parents, even if they have treated us badly. It certainly isn’t ‘love’ in the same sense as we usually think of love. Sometimes it’s closer to disgust, even hate (as mine is for my deceased father). A new word would be best, but at least we can stop telling ourselves it’s ‘love’.
2) “I really need to get away”. So do it. Of course you can. The proble is often that we want and hope that it will come naturally, by agreement or in the course of ageing, and that it will not involve major scenes, crises, recriminations, blame, lies, accusations etc. If you ‘really need’ to do it, you also need to expect all those nasty things. There is no magic wand to transform your mother into a nice, sensible, caring person.
3) “I have provided for you my whole life”. Rubbish. If she ‘provided for you’ when you were a child, it was her legal and moral responsibility. Work out for yourself when her demands on you, rose to equal and then exceed what she provided.
4) “She only wants family”. Except it’s not ‘family’ she wants, it’s YOU. The late unplanned child who she thought “she won't marry so she’ll always be there for me when I’m old”. This is still common, and used to be even more common when jobs for women were harder to find. My maternal grandmother was stuck with it, and didn’t come free and marry until they both died when she was aged 40 – when she promptly married and had my uncle and my mother in double-quick time. You don’t need to be stuck in time lapse with that old pattern. To start with, parents live longer these days.
5) “I really would like my own life”. Fair enough (duh), but you must stop giving it away.
Suggestions about what to do.
6) Get a second phone with a different number. Transfer to it everything except your mother. Don’t carry the old phone that she can reach – look at it only when you want to be in touch with her. Otherwise ignore her calls. Make sure her own phone has her health emergency numbers that she can call.
7) Tell your older siblings what you are planning to do. Don't ask for them to take over or to do more, just what you mean to do. They won't be happy, because they are relying on you. Have it out with them first.
Yours, Margaret
Mom is overly dependent, and doesn't like herself enough to be comfortable alone. No way on earth do you "owe her" anything, especially living with you! You are her target, being single and childless.
Don't worry about her being "alone and existing." She is old enough to handle it. She is lucky to be physically healthy! She can go find husband number 7 instead.
Don't sacrifice your best years babysitting such a desperate and selfish woman.
She needs to learn how to become independent woman.
Therapy, counseling?
Not judging, but six marriages mean she was probably not much on her own.
I have several GFs in their 60s, divorced but never lonely. They have careers, some date, some travel extensively.
One thing they have in common, they are not overly involved in their children's lives.
They value their independence.
I did not realize she could have a possible mental disorder, and will certainly look into that.
those saying I need firm boundaries, or any, you are correct. Thank you for your honesty. It can be very hard, especially when she is upset and my first instinct is to fix it. But it is not my responsibility. I am going to find a counselor who specializes in codependency.
I really thought some of you would say I was ungrateful, or as a parent you understand. However it was really mind opening to see the same response from strangers more than once.
again thank you all much and I will run with these recommendations.