I lost my Mom a few months ago to a horrible cancer and in the end she chose VSED. Under Palliative Care nurses' supervision I administered daily injections of anxiety medications so she could could die at her home. It was horrific. Now, my Dad has been left behind with Dementia and is losing his ability to talk and read. While he is living in a retirement home, I go daily to spend time with him, handle his mail, keep him socializing, supplement his meals (he has lost his appetite and thirst), and take him for outings. When I get home, I just want to flop down like a zombie. Everyone keeps telling me to 'take care of myself'. If I hear that one more time, I am going to scream. I eat healthfully, take supplements and medications, walk, take scented baths, and try to read (the same paragraph 50 times). I don't seem to have any motivation to do anything else but just try to keep existing. Very little brings me joy anymore. Am I being too hard on myself? Suggestions?
I would seek help. For counseling in these situations often a Certified Licensed Social Worker in private practice for counseling is the best choice as they are specially trained in life transitions.
I wish you the best. We often follow the same path like a mill stone pony, pulling our burden in the same endless circles. It is hard to take a new path forward for ourselves because as unsatisfactory as the one we are currently on may be, the new path represents the unknown, hence a lot of anxiety and fear.
You aren't alone and this isn't your fault. It is a natural progression of the path you have been on. I sure do wish you the best going forward, but do consider a professional. We can sympathize, but we aren't trained to help you at all.
Make an appointment with your doctor. They can give you a mental health referral. It can help to talk with a therapist and work through your grief and depression with one. Everyone needs someone to talk to and sometimes a therapist is the only person there is who can understand. You might even benefit from some medication even if it's temporary.
The people on this forum are for the most part very understanding, supportive, and want to help because all of us know what it's like to have been a caregiver.
I'm happy you're reaching out here. That's a step in the right direction. Be easy on yourself and take your time. Take some time for yourself.
You're eating properly, taking exercise, and continuing to maintain your personal hygiene. Believe me, in your circumstances that's impressive.
Do you, could you, keep a dog?
My mother was dying for a good long time, living in Memory Care AL and each time I had to deal with the reality of the situation, I myself felt exhausted and drained. SHE drained me; the very sight of her. The things she said to me, the hostility she displayed toward me. Then I had to go home and handle all of her finances, and her bills, and all the calls from the MC, and the doctors, and hospice AND AND AND. And before that, I had dad to deal with too, as an only child. And going thru his care and management, along with mom, and then his subsequent death and all those arrangements. I lost myself in all of that, for years.
Between the time dad died and mom died, I did take vacations with my husband, I worked, I found joy again, until mom started the long goodbye. Then I declined along with her, frankly, waiting for the inevitable to happen. I call it hunkering down & going into Survival Mode. Doing what WE have to do to stay alive and on track, so we can take care of THEM but also keep ourselves on track ENOUGH so we can do it day in and day out, if that makes sense. I've been the Queen of Survival Mode for 6+ decades already. As an only child and survivor of many different traumas, I've learned how to do Survival Mode. I tend to be hard on myself at times, but doing so serves a purpose: it keeps me IN Survival Mode.
You'll have joy again when the time is right. Precisely BECAUSE you are 'taking care of yourself' properly right now, during the dog days of caregiving, and not expecting TOO MUCH of yourself in the process. You can't expect yourself to also have a huge amount of 'motivation' as well, that's my take on it. You just have to survive this period of time and get dad through this end of life journey he's on, and come out of it intact YOURSELF, and then your motivation will start creeping back in. That's what I have found after both of my parents passed; mom this past February, dad in 2015.
Go easy on yourself and keep doing what you're doing. I wish you good luck & Godspeed during this difficult time.
I don't liken this to depression (as others mention), which I have experienced years before. I don't feel completely hopeless. I still like to get out of bed in the morning. This is different. It is a mix of grief and fatigue and helplessness for I cannot change, speed up or slow down this situation. I can only live as best I can to get through it.
The fact that one parent's demise is happening directly after another is very tough. I don't want Dad to suffer, but I don't like the thought of losing another parent so soon, either.
Thanks again.
I eventually realized that I couldn't continue to visit so frequently do now only go once a week. I have a new job, happier kids and husband and energy to get my life back on track. I still handle all of my mom's bills, medical issues and any other personal issues.
All the self-care in the world wouldn't have changed the situation as I am not superwoman. The only thing that could change it was realizing I could only do so much in a day and had to claim some time back for myself and family.
My mother has now been in care for 2 years and I am happy I took a step back. She is well cared for and I am able to have a life filled with joy. It was hard as I felt guilt but I had to prioritize my own mental health as well as that of my own families. I wasn't prepared to give up my life as I still love my mother, I just know my limitations.
Good answers all here and always caring people. I am somewhat new here and don't always agree with going quietly into that good night! Best to you, love when you can and let the tiger loose once in a while! Hugs to you, Little Warrior!
I had a therapist tell me decades ago, "Get a nerf bat and beat all that frustration into a pillow, wall, whatever and go to a thrift store, buy cheap dishes and find a safe place to throw them and smash them to dust." OMG, it was the best advise ever. It really does help release the internal feelings that can't be dumped on anyone and are so detrimental to hold in.
I still have my well used and much loved nerf bat.
I will also take it out on meat, want some carne asada tacos, a cleaver is so satisfying, want some wiener schnitzels, that meat tenderizer helps too.
Just thinking about it relieves stress:-)
You have not even had time to grieve for your mom and now heres dad falling apart. I hear and know you are trying your best to care for your physical body.
This is emotional trauma that is just plain exhausting. Your mom's passing could bring on ptsd for you.
For me sleep was healing and of course rivers of tears. I suspect some depression too.
I have been through a similar time losing my dad, mom has dementia and declining, aunt with higher stage of dementia. My jewel of a puppy passed suddenly. Well it finally caught up with me and I had a stroke! I had heart surgery also so I am now forced to rest and recover. I am much more aware of my emotional and spiritual self. Sometimes just quiet and stillness is the answer. My green time outside daily has become a welcome routine.
Find what brings you peace and feel loved. What is joyful for you? Maybe just snuggling with a pet or sitting outside listening to the birds. I wish you peace and love. You have been and are a warrior woman. God bless you.
I won’t say “take care of yourself”, mostly because I don’t want you to scream!
However, I will suggest a support group for either grief or caregiver or both! Preferably in person, but online or phone would work. Even though you are doing some self care, human connection with others who have the same issues will do a lot for you. You can sympathize and empathize with others and you’ll be amazed how much that will do for your soul. You may even make some friends, which of course leads to outings, phone calls, adventures etc.
Also, you could ask your Dr for anti depression med. That too may help. I hate meds and I hate recommending that, yet, sometimes, it’s what’s called for.
I think all that you’ve done and are still doing has drained you entirely. People will fill that void for you.
Good luck and keep us posted when you did what’s working for you!
I watched my twin brother pass away in the hospital from cirrhosis in 2019 and it was heart wrenching - all the while my mother was demanding that I "come home" (she has lived with me for almost 5 years), and I still had a job at the time. I feel like I failed him. Anyway, here I am my mother's 24/7 caregiver, trying to just grind through the day, sleep deprived most of the time, tending to my mother's every need, demand and request.
Yesterday for example, we spent literally hours in the bathroom because she couldn't expel a BM and I finally had to give her an enema last night which did fix the problem but goodness, what a way to spend the day. I had a good cry last night before bed and today I carry on.
Most days I do nothing much but just wait around for her to holler my name because I have no energy or enthusiasm for anything. And why even begin because I'll just have to drop everything when she calls me or when she's up because she needs constant supervision and escorting.
It used to bother me to see my "friends" and "acquaintances" posting all of their vacations, nights out, lunch with friends, job accomplishments, etc., but now I have reached the point where I no longer care. I just feel nothing at all.
I agree totally about all of the "take care of yourself" suggestions. When I've got ONE person caring for TWO people (both me and my mother) 24/7, then someone is going to get the brown end of the stick.
Yep, I think you're being too hard on yourself.
therapy.
These negative feelings are common- see everyone who relates?- but NOT ok.
Get help, either in person or online. I started online therapy in December 2021 and I feel renewed. Yes, mild meds were part of the solution too.
”Caregiver’s burden” - its recognized in the medical community. And there are therapies available to help alleviate it.
Go for it.
these were to be my retirement years full of fun and adventure I never had kids and never did I think I would be changing diapers and a full time caregiver I just want a vacation
I know this something people always say too, but it is true. In time you will recover from this grief that you are feeling. I felt it too both physically and mentally when I lost my father and then years later lost my mother. But eventually you find ways to make your life more meaningful again and the pain will never completely disappear, but you can be happy you were there for them when they needed you.
Have you ever considered going on a retreat? Chopra has some awesome programs in Arizona and California. I just saw The Ranch Malibu and that looks awesome too!
When you realize you're going the wrong way, hang a u-turn!
Here's a shocker!
You don't need to spend time with your dad daily. sometimes parents do better when the children aren't involved daily. The child reminds them of what they lost, and almost prevents them from forming their own relationships and finding out what the facility offers. Mine does SO much better when I only visit a few days a week. You're too much of a crutch at this point. You don't need to be there daily. He's make do.
Tell Dad you're going to take a vacation for a few days. Tell the staff to look out for him, then go hit the beach or some other place where you can just relax, enjoy what you like to do, and start thinking about your life going forward.
You are too co-dependent with your dad. It's great to be helpful to your parents, but not if it costs you your own life. You should also see a therapist and learn how to break your co-dependency. That's why you feel no motivation or joy. You're not living your life.
Good luck.
Know you are not alone, You are emotionally drained and at the moment there is not much you can do and that is OK.
But a little bit of detachment after Mom‘s and now Dad care, if he is being cared for in NH , then limit your visit at least for some time.
I think medical Marijuana these days is looking better & better. They have edibles too Lol. I'm not a smoker. I'd also cut back on when you visit. Maybe shorten it or take an day off. Esp if you feel burnt out. When you feel better, visit longer.
They say people who are stressed tend to isolate which makes it worse.
Maybe you need something to get you out of your ru-t, and do something different. Check out a part of town you haven't seen before. Drive to a lake and take a walk. Something diff just to make you feel alive for a change. Something that makes you get out of your head and stop thinking in the future or making lists in your hesd. So you live in thehead.
Try a farmers market, to get your food that week. Or have a box of food sent to your home trying vegan recipes. Things you don't normally cook. I look up things on YouTube to try. I just tried a radish, butter and salt snack. It was meh, but I tried it. Also make sure your getting your vitamin d. That can make you feel run down. Put out a hummingbird feeder. I sit outside and watch them. Plant some flowers. Go try a wine you never tried before. Use your best china to eat on. Your best stemware.
Set a table outside and eat all fresco. We're spending to much time in the house.
If you haven't reconnected with a friend do so now. Help a neighbor.
You have to force yourself. It's the only way. Good luck.
Get off the TV, and radio. Put on some of your fav music. Something to shake yourself out of the same old same old.
If you feel guilty pay someone to visit him while you take a day off. And he sees someone out of the ordinary.
I used Yummy Gummies in the evening before bedtime. Definitely helped me sleep through the night during the anxious times.
During the calmer times I don’t seem to need them. But, when everything is over-the-top stressful, then yes.
Hopefully they are legal in your state and/or you can get a medical prescription for them. I used the Indica which is for sleep.
Im so sorry you have so much in your plate. Losing motivation totally makes sense and is natural.
I also did as someone else suggested and had a once/week appt with a counselor who specialized in family dynamics. Again, once things settled down, we stopped the sessions. I really looked forward to our talks each week.
Taper off the daily visits. He is being cared for now, no need to be there every 24 hours. If you are concerned about his health, schedule a doctor's visit, does the retirement home offer transportation to do so? Take advantage of it, and meet your father at the doctor's office. With whom it would be a good idea to share your concerns before the visit.
You are too tired, overwhelmed to even get close to motivation, so don't. Just take your time, do one extra thing a day, nothing major, that pleases you. For me, it's getting (slowly) back into the garden.
Joy is relative-again, for myself it's the little things that count. Saw a monarch butterfly yesterday and that was a good feeling.
ones, but moving on from it all emotionally, mentally, for you sake and for the potential of a beautiful future that lies before you.
1. Antidepressant
2. Join a Caretakers meeting or two .. ( on line or in person)
3. Talk to a therapist..
Alzheimers association might be able to help with the therapy and they have a wonderful 24/7 help line .
Acknowledge that you are only human and let go for a while and let God. Ask for help from agencies that are set up just for that purpose .. prayers are with you ..