I am a RN, and do not want my 92 y.o. mother in a nursing home. My 2 siblings want her in NH. I want to quit my job and care 1:1 for mom.

I agree with your sisters. Being a nurse for shifts 40-50 hours a week is a whole lot different than 24/7 care. My mom is a nurse and she has told me there is no way she could deal with what I do 24/7.

You also have your future to look out for, retirement, etc. Also, burnout is common and the entire thing puts a toll on your health.

You are very lucky that your family believes in placement many do not. You could read horror stories here about the opposite.

You can look for a facility which allows you to take her home for a few days if that is your wish.

I am not religious but I believe that sometimes we are harder on ourselves than what God would be.

It can be hard to really see the other side's point of view.

Are your sisters Nurses? Non-nurses will have a different lense to look through, different values & different ideas. I've often seen the one with the Nurse Soul feels compelled to offer the care themselves. It's their calling afterall.

The heart of the matter is what is best for your Mother. My Mother is a quiet home-body, staying home suits her. Her sister moved herself into an independent living with continuum of care onsite to engage with all the activities, dining room, happy hour etc.

What's your Mother like?

A friend (RN) went through this too. But her Mother has settled into her AL/NH & joined the activities - pre-Covid. I agree Covid does make it much much harder now. But my friend can still work, could travel, visit her grownup children. She would not have been able to do this if 24/7 caregiver.

What about a compromise?

Try at home with you as Plan A - for say 6-12 months. Move to Plan B (Memory Care) if doesn't work well enough.

The big rocks in the road will be;
1. Lone wolf caregiver attitude. You will need to allow other non-you carers in when the care needs exceed just you. Use your nursing teamwork skills to build & manage a team.
2. Realistic expectations. Note your sibs have already stated they do not want to be hands-on caregivers. Have no expectations they will change, or be your backup if you get ill. No pressure or guilt on them. Arrange your own respite.
3. People show their love in different ways. Some by acts of service (hello Nurses), some by bringing little gifts, some by spending quality time. All the siblings will hopefully be able to show their love in their own way.

I have discussed these points with my DH as we have already had the Sibling-Nurse attempt to roster family onto a care plan she signed up for alone.

Everyone is entitled to how they feel. I respect your opinion even if I don’t happen to agree with you. I absolutely believe that your heart is in the right place, but being a primary caregiver isn’t always the best choice.

I would like you to consider your sisters point of view. They are most likely seeing the writing on the wall.

I admire nurses. You work very hard. It can’t be compared to being an in home caregiver though. The at home caregiver has a much tougher job!

I am speaking from experience. My heart was in the right place when I took my mom in. That doesn’t mean that I knew what I was getting into. Honestly, I didn’t have a clue. I cared for my mom in my home for 15 years. Trust me, it won’t be what you think it will be like. Caregiving becomes a heavy burden. Are there rewarding moments and happy memories? Of course, there are. That won’t compensate for the heartache that you will go through. It’s a huge sacrifice. Most of the time, one person can’t do an adequate job. You would need to hire more caregivers than what you mentioned.

I thought that I would be able to handle everything without any glitches. I must admit that I was wrong in my assessment. It was emotionally and physically draining.

Would I do it over again? Absolutely not. Not because I didn’t love my mom.
Not because I am not grateful to my mom for everything that she did for us. I am very grateful. It has nothing whatsoever to do with God either. I deeply respect the charitable work of Mother Teresa but not everyone is called to be her. She also had her order of nuns to assist with her charitable ministry of caring for the sick and poorest of the poor.

I also would not do it again because it changes the dynamics of a mother/daughter relationship. It also adds stress to relationships with siblings and that adds stress to our parent’s well being. Not to mention my mom needed more care than I could give her.

Your mom’s health issues will not improve. Her needs will increase and then what? Why teach your mom to depend solely on you when she can have the service of an entire medical staff, including a social worker and clergy. What happens if you get sick or have an accident that leaves you needing help? How will you help her? Hiring additional caregivers is expensive. Does your mom have funds for that? Are you independently wealthy?

Actually, your question asking, “What is wrong with them?”regarding your siblings comes off as a bit judgmental.

Please take the time to carefully think this over. If you have told your mom that you would care for her, you can tell her that after serious consideration, you and your siblings feel that it is in her best interests to be in a facility that will provide 24/7 professional care and have socialization. Reassure her that you will be her advocate until the end of her life.

Take care.

Your mother has Alzheimers and you think her care needs are minimal?

Have you spent 24 hours with her in her current setting to see what her actual needs are?

If you take her out of MC, will the placement still be available if/when you decide it's not the job you signed up for, or if you develop a health issue, or if you spouse or child becomes ill?

You clearly don't think that your sisters ACTUALLY think that mom needs memory care or socialization; you seem to think they are rationalizing what you see as selfishness.

Most of us here have tried caring for parents at home (not me; I knew from the get go that I had neither the space, the skill nor the time to give her the care she needed).

What has happened to most is a long sad tale of fractured relationships with siblings AND parent, accusations by the demented elder and tremendous difficulty in getting good medical care for a frail, increasingly immobile person who is hard to trsnsport.

Part of the issue is that our parents--especially our demented parents--don't see us as the professionals we are. They see us as kids.

If you think for a minute that your mom is going to listen to what you tell her she must do healthwise because you're a nurse, I think you have a surprise in store.

I think your sisters are sincere in thinking that your mother will suffer less isolation and have more variety in her life in a GOOD memory care facility than she would being cared for at home by one loving daughter.

And by the way, stopping by for 5 minutes is the BEST way to keep staff on their toes. By brother did that all the time. It's not a reason for complaint.

I assume that if you do this, you'll have a lawyer draw up a contract and be paid a wage out of which taxes and SS will be deducted.

You profile states your mother is in a MC. How long has she been there? Do you and your sisters visit her there? You write about 5-minute stop-by visits once a week. Is that what they are doing?

What are you doing?

What expectations do you have of your sisters if you quit your job and became your mother's full-time caregiver? Do you expect them to participate in her care?

Isolation is a real concern but there are work arounds like senior day care. If you have POA for medical and finances then I suppose you can do whatever you like and don't need your sister's blessing. I gave up working to care for my mom but it was minimum wage jobs and she was able to pay me a small wage, that along with room and board made it a win win for us; can you really afford to drop out of the workforce for a prolonged period of time?

Nursing homes aren't great but neither is caring for a LO with big needs that are only going to get bigger. If she is already there in the NH and settled, etc. I would just let sleeping dogs lie.

Please try not to judge your siblings. They have every right to their opinions and obviously they are not alone in thinking a NH can be the answer to the high needs of many elders.

My mom isn't even in the high need category YET but it is still challenging having her live with me and my husband. Her continual decline is difficult and I am not willing to give up my marriage or my kids or my grandkids in order to provide more and more care for her. At some point, I will add caregivers and depending on the path she takes, she might very well end up in memory care. I think of memory care as a specialized part of a NH that is safe for people with advanced dementia. People who qualify for that level of care really need it.

If you feel guilty about your mom being in the nursing home, maybe you can spend more time with her. Take her out for an outing. For a drive, a walk, lunch, etc.

Good luck.

I forgot to elaborate on the sibling aspect. My sister takes my mom for 3 - 4 nights a month. When hubby and I have gone away for more than a week, it has been too much for her. She works hard, needs her down time and it makes a negative impact on her mental health. She thinks I'm crazy for having mom live with me. It would not be right of me to judge her for not wanting to have mom there more. I chose (ignorantly) to have mom move in. She said NO WAY! So, I have to honor that 110%.

I'm coming back to add that being an RN doesn't automatically give you the ability you need to be a caregiver, I am no longer amazed at the degree of ignorance shown by nurses (and doctors too) about what it truly takes to care for someone. I found that even among staff in the nursing home there was a huge lack of interest in understanding the needs of those with dementia, and the RN's there never had to soil their hands with mundane tasks, that was all on the people farther down the chain of importance.
If you take this on you need a realistic plan B for the future when her needs become physical as well as cognitive, I always said I dealing with both behavioural issues and physical needs was too much to ask of anyone, KWIM? Don't include your sisters in this plan, they have already given notice. And don't assume that at age 92 her time is near, my mom managed to hang on until age 99.
(BTW, after over 5 years of full time caregiving I eventually hit the wall big time and my mom spent the last 18 months of her life in a nursing home)

What is your mother's demeanor? Is she generally happy despite the disease, is she depressed, apathetic or paranoid, frightened, angry? Her demeanor can dictate your level of and ability to care for her. What stage of the disease is she at? Do you understand how AD progresses and the demands it will place on you? Even if she's in a later stage but still pretty manageable, you may be able to care for her at home.

Are you able to retire instead of quitting? If you quit can you return to the workforce quickly in a few years? (I'm guessing as an RN you could, but who knows?).

With your mom's needs being minimal, as you say, a nursing home seems a little premature and maybe never needed. (Many people think that all elderly in need of care should go to a nursing home). If anything, assisted living seems more appropriate. And don't confuse nursing home with MC simply “so we can feel better about ourselves”. They are two distinctly different housing options requiring different levels of care. Some NH do have MC for those who need 24 hour care. And there are MC facilities that have specialized trained staff where intensive medical care isn't required.

You may believe that God is watching and you will be held accountable, so I assume you must also believe he is understanding. It is believed that he never burdens us with more than we can handle. That means you must know how much you can handle. At some point, your mom might require more care than you can provide, or your mental and physical capacity may overwhelm you. Although you are an RN, don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help from one of the local agencies such as your Area Agency on Aging. You cant do it alone.

So I haven't helped much other than to pose some questions to help you decide. Good luck.

If you decide to do this, leave your job and care for your mom, I hope you realize that 1 day of respite a week will not be enough.
The "job" of caring for her will get more difficult, not easier.
I also hope that you plan on having mom pay you for the care that you do.
I hope in a month you are not posting that your sisters will not help with the care of your mom. Keep in mind this is your decision not theirs.
Yes your mom would do better with activities and socialization. If you can find a Day Care for her that she can go to a few days a week that will be of great help to both you and her.
Once someone is placed in Memory Care it is your choice how much time to spend visiting. You say 5 minutes. When my Husband was in rehab I was there everyday for his rehab and to just visit. I was there a minimum of 5 hours. I kept him busy, active, I also hounded the staff when he needed his hands washed, a change. I also would bring his shaver daily and would shave him. Doing all that was my choice.
Also make sure that you are safe when caring for mom. Get the proper equipment. This is not just for her safety but for yours. I also hope the house is safe for you to care for her there.

I do no know what type of nursing you did but keep in mind what you would have suggested for your patients, or their caregivers when you have/had contact with them. You slowly see a person fade away from the person they once were and become an exhausted, burnt out caregiver if they do not care for themselves.

Let’s assume her needs are not minimal (eye sight very poor. Cannot really understand or see television anymore). So to get a much better 1st hand knowledge and experience, visit the nursing/memory home. Try to go daily or almost daily and spend the maximum amount of time. Do the work that the nursing home/memory care provides and see what your mom can and can’t do. Talk with doctors to determine how much care she really needs.
 
I feel if you decide to do this, you may/may not need guardianship (or poa). Realize also that rather than your siblings coming together, they may decide to set back and watch you fail (told you so). But I hope that would not be the case and they give you their blessings and support.
 
I will not try to talk you out of what you feel in your heart and will not judge you if it does not work out. I think you’ll find plenty of post on different areas that may present as a challenge. I see some from others already just in this one.
 
What do you plan to do if you need respite care? Againx100 says, “Her sister takes mom 3-4 nights a month but now possibly refuse because it impacts her mental health.”
 
Do you have a hospice and a caregiver agency chosen if needed? Do you like the memory care/nursing home picked out if plans changed? Can you afford to not work? If there is a spouse or children already in the same home, how do they feel about you providing care? If it’s only you in the home, how would you feel about others being in your home up to 7 hours or more a day or being left at your home alone while you still tried to work?
 
Wishing you well with whatever decision you make!

The little aside about Memory Care being so named so people can feel good about themselves is giving off troll vibes for me.

My guess is that if your mom is 92 you are probably somewhere in your 60's or very close to them. Her problems will get worse, and your own body will naturally decline. What seems so doable now will almost certainly be overwhelming in a few years. None of us seriously understand what aging does to our bodies until we experience it. I am 70 now. 10 years ago I sincerely believed that if I ate properly and exercised regularly I could keep the effects of old age at bay. A number of books written by those who claimed expertise agreed with me. We were all wrong. Age happens no matter what you do. And the effects are enhanced if you have committed yourself to more hours of caregiving than your aging body can tolerate.

What you want for your mother is admirable, but your chances of doing this as you dream are not good. Neither your determination nor your good intentions will preserve your strength. Give yourself a break and do not try to become a caregiver when you are closer to needing care than you think. 10 years ago my sisters and I were quite optimistic about sharing my mother's care. We now all wish we had urged her into assisted living and visited her there instead.

Please do not ignore your siblings thoughts about social contact. My mother has really felt alone without her friends and she also really misses the exercise groups she used to attend. Friends are really important. Conversation with a more diverse group than just a few family members helps to keep the elderly mind engaged. As people reach advanced old age, the amount of "exercise" they get in the exercise groups is not vigorous. In fact it is barely exercise at all. There is, however, a real benefit in 90+ elders working together at trying to achieve as much fitness as they can. Even if they are doing exercises seated in chairs, they do cheer each other on in ways that we younger people cannot do.

There is nothing wrong with your sisters. Just consider the possibility that they may have a more clear view of the situation than you do. You seem like a person with very high ideals and lofty ambitions. That is a fine thing, but those high ideals may feel less wonderful when they are buried under the work of caring for someone whose condition worsens every day and whose needs become greater as your ability to cope with those needs lessens. Also bear in mind that your mother will adapt better to moving into care now when her brain can still process all the reasons than she would if you keep her at home until you simply can't manage any more.

The decision, of course, is yours, but do read some of the many entries in these forums about how overwhelmed caregivers can get after a year or two of caregiving. Think about whether you want to be a friend to your mother in her old age or her servant. Which does she need more? Which do you want for yourself? You can't really be both.

Last thought: have you asked your mother what she wants? You don't mention her views. Perhaps she would like living in a community of other elders with aides to assist her in her daily routines and companions available for chatting or sitting together. So much depends on the description of the setting and the care that would be provided. Let your sisters help you present the options to your mother. You could be surprised.

I don't feel that any God is watching me, because I am an atheist. I do also not feel that we are obligated to care for our parents in home. It is our parents who care for US, then we move out of the nest, have our own lives and families and pay that forward by giving wonderful care to our own family; for me that is the progression. So I guess I fall more in line with your Sister's thinking.
I also feel that there's a good deal of difference in ALF and a "Nursing Home" or Memory Care. With only 30% loss your Mom could have years in ALF. My bro, with his early Lewy's didn't live long enough to progress to a need for memory care. There are of course a lot of financial reasons that one may not be able to go into ALF. The one my brother was in was wonderful. Even someone a bit reclusive and monk-like, like my bro, had good options for activities, and had friendships, and some activities he chose to participate in.
You however, have made the choice, and feel you should/could quit your job. Are you expecting that your Mom will pay you anything like RN wages for you to live with her? And when you Mom becomes more ill do you wish to do 24/7 what you now do on shift (I ask because I was an RN and I loved it; cherished it. But I could never have done it 24/7). Your Mom will need more and more from you. I am uncertain if you are new to forum; you may not have read a lot here to inform you of the anxiety and depression 24/7 caregivers suffer, but you are an RN, and our patient populace in hospital are for the most part elderly, so you can imagine what caregiving will be as it progresses.
You also will quickly lose skills being away from nursing. I know you already recognize that. Many we see leave a job to care for elders end up homeless and jobless in the end and as I recalled yesterday in answering another OP, often we had to recommend people go to a shelter and work their way slowly up from bed to room in someone's home to small studio while they worked at a new job, having lost job history by caring for an elder.
So my thoughts basically are that. In the final analysis this is your decision for your own life, and only you can make it. I wish you the very very best, and you will have the support here of many caregivers who did hands on care for many years, as well as those of us who helped our elders in other ways with POA, and etc. Wishing you only the very best, and your Mom as well.
As to your Sisters, they are not you. As they have no rights of judgement of your decisions you also have none rights to judge them. You might discuss gently with them if they would be willing to help you AT ALL if you take this on, with shopping, with occasional respite, with meals, and etc. Ask them to be honest with you so you don't have unrealistic expectations. And accept what they say, knowing that in future it is very likely they will not carry out even best intentions and you will be met with "This was your choice; we warned against it".
Take care.

Hi,
I think God knows our capabilities and our limits in caring for elderly parents. I do not think placing your mom in a clean, nurturing long term care facility will cause God to be upset with you. He knows us better than we know ourselves. I had to place my father in loving assisted living facility, because I could not care for him in his home or my mine, due to his unsafe behaviors. I believe God wants us to care for our elders and their safety, but he allows us to do this in many different ways... just as we are all unique and different. Even children raised by the same parents are unique. Do you believe God is going to judge me harshly because I had to find "safety" for my dad? He almost electrocuted himself, burned down his neighborhood, drove recklessly, not eating, not bathing and was falling frequently. I believe we can "honor" and care for our aging parents in a multitude of ways.

My very close friend, that is also a healthcare worker, cares for her bedridden 93 year old mom, one on one in the home. Though my friend wants to do this, I see and hear the daily struggles and challenges that this type of caregiving can bring. There are few breaks. Respite care can fall through. I must say that lack of socialization is a huge issue for my friend's mom. My friend is constantly begging others to call or visit...even from the church.

I wish the very best of care for your mom. The elderly deserve to thrive with the right assistance. However, I think you are creating a form of false guilt over yourself and your sisters and have fallen into very black and white thinking that does not come from our loving Heavenly Father. Ask him for wisdom, clarity, insight and peace. He will answer you.
Warmly,
Sunny

So quit you're job and go take care of your mom.

In your profile you wrote that your mother already lives in a nursing home. Is your intention to move her out of the NH and into your home?

You're an RN. What kind? Bedside in a hospital? Because bedside in a hospital is the kind of nursing you would be doing for your mother. Perhaps you wouldn't be doing it right away but at 92, the wheels can come off the bus pretty darn fast.

Your mother's needs are only going to increase. Your sisters have already let you know that they are not going to support you in your decision to become your mother's caregiver.

Most people on this forum regret having quit jobs to care for a parent. If you get sick or injured then who will take care of your mother?

My first thought is in regards to what I have experienced this last 6 months. I have a brother in law who wanted to keep my in laws home. But at the expense of others. It didn’t work out as he planned.

from what I’ve read many times here, when your sibling can’t or won’t help with something you choose to do, it a hard road.... just sayin...

Another thought... as bassjvd mentioned..what if you get sick or injured? This is definitely something to think about. The friend I mentioned in my earlier post required major, non-elective surgery with a long recovery that allowed no lifting over a few pounds. Finding daily care for her mom was a disaster...even though "arrangements" were set up "in advance." As another person commented, "At this age... the wheels can fall off the bus fairly quickly..." and without warning. Also, AlvaDeer gave some excellent insight in her post.

I posted earlier but I want to echo what cwille pointed out in her post. Even though you are a nurse, you most likely don’t have all of the knowledge that you need to care for your mom.

Do you have experience in this field?

Plus, as my doctor told me once in my younger days, “We practice medicine. Nothing is guaranteed. Your body isn’t a car that you bring into the shop like a car to have fixed. I have consulted two other fertility specialists on your case. I am going back to school because of having a patient with the complications that you have. You are one for the text books. With your permission we will be filming your four hour long surgery for medical students, the students will be observing the surgery. I do appreciate your understanding because I have patients that don’t have a fourth of the issues that you have and expect me to take care of their medical issues instantly. Medicine is trial and error. We do our best to help.”

I went to one of the finest doctors specializing in the fertility field and he was continuing his education to stay on top of current medical treatment for situations like I had. I had extreme endometriosis and horrible hormonal imbalances, etc. I didn’t respond predictably to the fertility meds and almost died. All kinds of issues arise with our health and it takes a team to work on complicated situations.

Allow your mom to be cared for by a team of people who have dedicated their lives to helping seniors live out their final days as best as they can.

With your medical background you can easily be a wonderful advocate for your mom. Your siblings are not against you or your mom. This isn’t a contest. They wish to have the best care available for her. Don’t you want the same thing? All of you want what is best for your mother. Work with your sisters to receive the best care for your mom.

I realize that your heart is in the right place and I respect your medical background but this time follow with your mind. Our mind is there to reason when our hearts lead us to dangerous territory.

Please take the time to look at the larger picture. Look a bit down the road in the future. I hope you appreciate the staff at your mom’s facility. Visit your mom. For goodness sake, don’t feel badly about living your life. There isn’t a need to sacrifice yours for hers. I did that with my mom who had Parkinson’s disease. Trust me, it’s not as easy as you think it is! I was never so relieved to see my mom being cared for in a beautiful hospice house! The care was absolutely incredible. She died with dignity and free from pain. Don’t we all want that? I know that I certainly do.

I respect your faith but do not allow faith to cloud your judgment in making the best decision for your mom and your entire family. God gave all of us a mind to use wisely. It takes strength to let go. Holding on to the wrong idea is not being strong. It’s hindering moving forward. Part of faith is trust. It doesn’t have to be you doing all of the hands on care.

Wishing you and your family all the best. Find peace in your heart, knowing that God is walking beside your family as you travel this road. He doesn’t expect you to take over. Be grateful that you have a qualified staff that will care for mom.

Keep us posted.

I welcome a daughter who will step up and do the care if possible vs a nursing home (in my area anyhow) - as far as experience - I had zero experience - but you learn - just as you learn to raise kids - you learn how to take care of yourself - family - homes and businesses.
What I will advise the most is if you do decide to care for mom - get a team in place...you will need a team!! I do not have that team and many days I am overwhelmed - it’s hard to build the team while doing it all. So I would advise you to have a plan and team in place before hand as there is no time while your doing it all.
People who you think will help - most likely won’t (not to the extent you will need).
As far as activities etc - check out local adult day cares ahead of time and think about having her scheduled to go to one a few times a week for activity and socialization as well as to give her independence so she gets comfortable with you not always being there.
I am not knocking all nursing homes nor people who make that choice. If I don’t find a better team around me - I may have no choice as this is not a one person job. I just want you to know if you choose to care for her to put your team of help in place before going it alone - you will both be rewarded tenfold. I recently helped a friend bring her husband home and at least I could guide her from my mistakes (as I had nobody to guide me).
I wish you the best and I honor you for the love you have for your Mom. Trust yourself but also be smart in making sure you do it correctly as not to burn yourself out. 💕

I feel it is an honor to care for my 93 year old mother as well. nursing homes are a western civilization thing, convenient but also necessary for some. I feel they are without soul.
I think you should take care of her.
It is just as much about family and love as it is about skilled nursing. You're lucky you have respite. I was starting to burn, but then I got my second wind thanks to my mother being more cooperative and letting me get a full night of sleep.
I will be attacked for this post in all caps, but I feel good about taking care of my mother.
I am glad to see there are others who feel the same way.
Take care!

Nothing is wrong with them, they’re entitled to their thoughts and opinions just as you are. And yes, my mother’s NH had daily exercise and social activities. Some come to this site feeling very superior about not using a NH, it’s judgmental and harsh to those of us who had no choice. Please don’t believe you owe your mother because she cared for you, that’s a very false comparison. A parent has a child because of the desire to raise them to fly and the caregiving is an expected part of that. Caregiving for seniors is a choice, not an obligation. Your mother’s care needs will only increase and may be too much for you to handle one day. It’s fine to do the caregiving but don’t expect your siblings to help and know that one day it may be more than your abilities.

Again, I just skimmed the replies so if repeating, sorry.

First, I have an RN in the family. Her training was called "RN mobility". Meaning that she trained as an LPN and continued her training for her RN. She worked in NH/rehabs for 20 years. She says she is glad she had LPN training first because...those being trained as RNs alone have no idea how it is to work on the floor and with patients. Those with a BS are usually DONs and Administrators. I worked for a VNA as a secretary. My boss in 2006 had trained as a nurse 40 yrs before and said RNs in 2006 were not being trained like she had been. We had an RN who worked p/t at a NH who didn't know how to do med passes!

So saying that, being an RN doesn't mean you are ready for caring for someone 24/7. Lots of RNs have never worked in NHs with Dementia patients. Dementia has no ryhmn or reason to it. Very unpredictable. Then there is the bathing and toileting. As an RN this kind of thing is usually done by a CNA or an LPN.

Don't judge others. Caring for someone is hard work. Lots of people lose themselves in the process. Me, a caregiver I am not. Some can't afford to quit a job. Some just don't want the responsibility. You sisters are right about the interaction for Mom. My Moms NH had a big common area. Some type of activity every day. Dining together. Are you going to be able to give Mom that stimulation?

If you feel that you can quit your job without effecting you future income, then do it. There are people on this forum who want to care for a parent and are willing to sacrifice to do it. I give them lots of credit. But me and many others don't feel this way. We feel we owe our parent a nice safe place. All my Mom did living with me was sit in front of a TV. She went to an AL later a NH and was able to walk around and engage in the entertainment and be involved in some of the activities. She enjoyed watching others have fun.

So do what you feel is right for you but don't judge your sisters for their feelings. And don't expect any help.

My mother would have been dead long since if she'd stayed at home with one-on-one care. She was declining fast with my dad caring for her, because he couldn't sustain the level of stimulation Mom needed, plus take care of a house, plus do all the shopping, plus have a bit of respite care so he, too, didn't lose his mind.

After he died, I moved Mom to a nursing home (the wrong type -- I didn't know the differences), and she continued to decline and slept all day out of boredom. She, too, has macular degeneration and vascular dementia.

I finally moved her to a memory care facility, and it's as though a light switch was flipped on. She suddenly had people around her who weren't sick like the first place, there were activities going on that she could participate in or at least be near if she couldn't see to do them, and she stopped sleeping all day. The edema she was suffering from at the first place and at home was mostly gone within two weeks, and almost two years later, she's still with us.

It's certainly your family's decision (actually the decision of whoever holds power of attorney), but I see you projecting a lot of your own prejudices about nursing homes that aren't true. Who says you and your sisters would visit Mom for five minutes once a week? OK, it's an honor to care for her, but will you admit it's time to place her at some point, or will your pride prevent you from admitting defeat? "Let's call it memory care so we can feel better about ourselves?" -- what's that about? Do you have any idea what memory care even does?

God is indeed watching, and He wants you to do what's best for your mother, not what you think will score points for you in Heaven.

Keep in mind that pride goeth before a fall, and perhaps be a bit more open-minded about your sister's opinions. They may be more valid than what you're giving them credit for. Having an RN doesn't give you all the power.

I should add this. And this is me, my experience and my view on this subject. And there is no "right or wrong" thing to do. And there should be no "guilt" in any decision.
I told myself when my Husband was diagnosed with dementia that I would keep him at home. that is where my thought stopped at that time.
I revised that thought after several incidents when he wandered off. And yes I thought I had taken every imaginable precaution.
I decided that I would keep him home as long as it was safe for HIM for me to care for him at home
AND
As long as it was safe for ME to care for him at home.
It reached a point where he was eligible for Hospice and with the supplies and equipment that Hospice provided, the programs and help that I got from the VA (and the help from the VA was minimal as he did not have a "service connected disability") I was able to keep him at home. Plus the fact that he was compliant and not combative at all. (the fact that he was non verbal may have helped some but he did make a lot of noises...sometimes very loud!)
AND
The house that we moved into was built handicap accessible made it possible with relative ease to care for him.
I had no experience changing a bed with someone in it, changing a soiled brief, showering someone in a wheel chair, using a Sit to Stand then later a Hoyer Lift. How or when to thicken liquids, when to begin pureeing foods, how to clean the mouth of someone that pockets food. How to tell when a person is starting to get constipated, how to deal with it before it gets to the point where it becomes dangerous. How to deal with limbs that are starting to contract. How to figure out what is the important stuff and what can be let go for a while. I decided that most things are really not as important as we like to think they are.
There are so many things that I learned how to do.
Did I want to learn all that...NO! I would have rather had my Husband as the smiling, blue eyed, "Stubborn Pigheaded German" he was when I fell in love with him 34 years prior. But I would not have traded any moment that I had. That said I felt safe, I felt as though he were safe in my care, the caregivers I hired as well as Hospice. (we had Hospice for almost 3 years!)
So base your decision on safety.
Placing someone in Memory Care, Assisted Living, or Skilled Nursing is NOT giving up, it is not a sign of failure. It is a caring, loving person that realizes that they can not safely, adequately care for their loved one at home. Placing your loved one in the hands of experienced staff allows you to again become a Daughter, Son, Husband, Wife. You can visit without the worry that you will get hurt trying to transfer them, change them.
I should also add "safety" is not just physical safety but Mental, emotional.

When my mother became a fall risk and I could no longer manage her care without LITERALLY being at her side every moment 24/7/365, I found the best nursing home within a 5 minute drive of my home, placed her, and spent every night and two visits every Sunday with her for 5 1/2 years, while working full time.

Anyone who thinks my life was easy during those days hasn’t lived as I lived.

I call Memory Care “MEMORY CARE” because where I live it’s MEMORY CARE by the way. It doesn’t make me feel better or feel worse or feel pretty. A Skilled Nursing Facility is just that, and the level of care here in SNF is a step above Memory Care.

God was evidently watching us and blessed us amply for the choices we made in deciding on her care, because the 5 1/2 years in that Nursing Home were the HAPPIEST YEARS in the last 22 years of her life, and we enjoyed them with her. She was immersed in an environment of love and excellent care, and I feel confident that my accountability with My Higher Power is in very decent shape.

It was my honor to care for her in the best way I knew how. It cost me almost a million dollars, earned by my dad and saved by her. WORTH EVERY PENNY. She died in 2007, and I still have friends who cared for in that wonderful place. One of her cherished aides bought the home where she’d lived for tp years with my dad.

Whether your mother needs “socialization”, appropriate exercise, entertainment, and safe, respectful care or not, MY MOTHER DID, and she thrived until her death at 95.

No “distorted rationalization” here. I was there day and night, every day, every week, every month, every year.

If that means that I “side” with your sisters, I guess I do.

Good luck with whatever you decide.