My parents are both in their early 70’s. They have taken all kinds of meds for 30 or more years, for different ailments including anxiety and depression. Dad is becoming increasingly more and more agitated, while mom says “everything is fine!” She has been saying this though, for 30 years. They won’t tell me about meds or Dr. appointments. I’ve tried numerous times to talk to them, but it’s none of my business. I’m concerned they may be over medicated, and/ or the meds are affecting their mental state. I really do try to respect their wishes, but I think it may be time for an intervention of some sort. I’m just not sure where to go or what to do from here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
8 hrs? is that by car or plane ... a big difference so need to know if you are on the same continent as them - as a former F.A. what I see is you are in eastern North America & they are in western Europe - that means a cultural difference - we need more details to fully help you
If 7 of us could not get our father to stop driving, take his medications, accept help, stop hoarding, it is unlikely that one daughter can prevent her parents from making their own decisions.
I do understand you love your parents, but they will do what they do. It is their choice.
Hugs to you!
Then I ask them how old they think I am ... and it turns out they've never noticed that I'm 71 and still working.
I second the recommendation for the 'Being Mortal' book. The biggest thing to be aware of is: They really ARE getting older, and that really DOES mean that some skills and abilities are, or will be, declining. I'm still working and enjoying life a lot, but I gave up skiing a few years ago and I no longer do math in my head. The last time some nice young man asked if he could put my suitcase on the rack for me, I let him -- and it was a smaller suitcase than the last time I did it for myself.
You can't keep them 'stable', though you may be able to slow the progression. IF, and only if, something is actually 'wrong.' If all that's happening is really 'normal aging', or if there's some cognitive decline and they've already been checked for vitamin deficiencies and UTI's, etc ... then ...
Well, then the worst thing you can do is act 'intrusively demanding' about their private info. That will only make them lose confidence in the things they CAN still do for themselves, as well as causing resentment between you.
Old age ain't for sissies, but it's the only game in town. We really need to let our parents play it the way they want to ... and we really want our kids to let us play ours, too.
Mariposa2479: What you don't know can come back to bite you in the tender bits. Visit & call often. Listen & observe. Really look at the whole picture: yardwork not done, deferred home maintenance, stained carpets, clothes that don't fit or need mending, foods in the fridge, stacks of stuff all around, car inspection or plates expired. Listen as your folks talk to each other. Do they talk about neighbors or current events. Do they attend activities outside the home. Are they courteous to each other. Observing & comparing over time will ease some of your worries & lead you to the right questions for things that do pop up. Eight hours away is a lot. It isn't always going to be convenient. But visit. And call. Listen more than question.
My backstory: My parents married right after high school. They had 4 kids in five years. Dad worked his rear end off & mom was always beyond unhappy. Once we were grown, we kids & our kids were visiting & engaged with the folks. We had good times together.
Dad died from cancer at age 57. Mom, then age 53, went on a quest to find herself & recapture her lost youth. She enrolled in community college, began dating, drinking, partying. Having the time of her life. 15 months after Dad died, Mom married a man 10 years her junior. He was an independent contractor & between jobs they partied, gambled, traveled & had a great time. The downside: due to their age difference Mom felt she had to lie about her age & basically her 4 kids & 8 grandkids did not exist! Until her in-laws died we couldn't visit mom at her house. There were phone calls & the occasional out of town visit but there was no real connection. Mom didn't seem to miss us. We all thought her husband was a nice guy, but really didn't get to know him.
Fast forward 20 years: Mom & stepdad are alcoholics with multiple physical & mental health issues. Medical bills & lifestyle choices have taken all their money. Neither of them cleans house, Mom doesn't cook, they eat junk, drink non-stop, personal hygiene is almost non-existent. And none of us knew, because it is none of our business!
Step-dad died 6 years ago from sepsis following surgery. Mom ran out of money 3 years ago. Three kids left to take up the slack, but my sister says No way! Yikes!
You are an only child. Call, visit, be a loving, caring, observant participant in your parent's lives. It will make all the difference whatever the future holds! Blessings to you & your family!!!
https://www.agingcare.com/ebook/careplanguide?ebs=lib
I thought it was a good starting point for helping our out of town parents. It may take a few visits, but if your mom and dad would be willing to organize their information for you, it could still be kept private but also give you the comfort of knowing that when you need to step in, the information will be available to you.
I would, of course, first raise your concerns directly with your parents. "You have many medications prescribed by different doctors. How do you keep track of them? Have you considered having them all reviewed by one doctor to make sure they are all needed and don't interact badly?" Ask your aunts to raise their concerns directly with them too. If you have specific concerns, you can write a letter to their doctor detailing them. The doctor is not allowed to speak with you but you can speak to the doctor. Ask if the doctor would consider suggesting a visit to a geriatric doctor or nurse practitioner. That might result in a medication review, home safety analysis and other interventions that would make you feel better about their care.
And I know I sound like a broken record but we sleep better at night because we have an Aging Care Specialist involved with our LOs care plan. (I promise. I'm only a happy client. Not a salesperson for these services!) . Would your parents consider meeting with one once or twice? Just to see what they have to offer them? (A medication review was done on the first visit for us.)
At the end of the day, this is their decision. But it is never a bad idea to have some plans. The option is to wait for a crisis and try to patch things together at that time!
If you can convince your parents to plan for the future you may end up enhancing their lives as well as relieving some of the stress and worry in your own. If they take steps to make sure they have proper paperwork in place, aren't overmedicated, are taking the prescribed medications correctly and have adequate supports lined up, they can stay independent much longer.
Good luck!
There's just one thought I'd like to add. Robert Heinlein, the science fiction writer, sensibly advised: "Do not do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same." And the reason I think it would be good if you could take his advice is that you say you really want these years to be happy ones for your parents.
Well, of *course* you do. Of course. But you have to bear in mind that happiness, as we ordinarily think of it, is just not something you can accomplish for someone else. Be ready to help, but also be fair to yourself about what you can realistically do for them.
I called my mother's sister, and she said she and my mom's 2 other siblings have been slightly concerned about mom and dad for a few months now. But, is it time to get more involved? Probably not. Our family plan for now is to stay in touch with one another, and keep each other informed.
Am I a worrisome daughter? Yes, I suppose I am. I just want what is best for mom and dad. They have overcome so much, and I really do want these years to be happy ones for them.
Thank you all again for your candidness and heart-felt replies! It means a lot to me!
"My parents are both in their early 70’s."
Come on now, early 70's isn't "old". My mother, at 95, is OLD.
"They have taken all kinds of meds for 30 or more years, for different ailments including anxiety and depression."
If they've taken meds for 30 years then they are pretty well suited to them, right? I don't see a problem here.
"Dad is becoming increasingly more and more agitated, while mom says “everything is fine!”"
It's not uncommon to be more agitated later in life. They may not be staring death in the face but they can't hide that there are changes from when they were young. I've noticed that I'm a bit more anxious (I'm 61) than in previous years. Maybe he's anxious because you keep asking about their personal life.
"She has been saying this though, for 30 years."
So it's something that she doesn't think is a big deal OR she's in denial. Either way, SHE hasn't freaked out so she sounds like she's handling it.
"They won’t tell me about meds or Dr. appointments. I’ve tried numerous times to talk to them, but it’s none of my business."
It sounds like YOU are TOO worried about things. Take the cue and don't have it be your business. If they are still of sound mind (no dementia) there's not a darn thing you can do to get them to include you in their medical business.
"I’m concerned they may be over medicated, and/ or the meds are affecting their mental state."
WHY do you think that? Are they showing signs of dementia or are out of control with their emotions? Are they sleeping a lot? Are they way more forgetful? Have they made very poor decisions? Why do you think they may be overmedicated?
"I really do try to respect their wishes,"
Then, unless they would be harmful to themselves or someone else, back off. They probably resent your intrusion.
"it may be time for an intervention"
To interveine on WHAT? UNLESS you can prove they are UNFIT and UNABLE to make proper choices for themselves AND have any proof of severely deteriorating health, you don't have a leg to stand on.
"I’m just not sure where to go or what to do from here."
Back off and let them handle their affairs. You'll KNOW when it's time to intervene. In the mean time, look up dementia and inform yourself so you'll know the signs. Because your Dad, who is already a nervous person, is seemingly more nervous, maybe his medication just needs to be adjusted. HE can ask his doctor to work that out for him. You don't need to do that.
"Any advice would be greatly appreciated!"
That's it in a nutshell. UNTIL they can no longer make informed decisions, this is NOT your game. Sorry.
My parents were in their 90's before it was time that they needed an extra pair of hands. They were also very private people. Then and only then did I learn that decades earlier that my Dad had cancer, had surgery, etc.... that I learned that my Mom had bladder cancer, slow growing.... that my Mom had macular degeneration thus was legally blind.... that Dad was a fall risk. And here I lived literally around the corner, and spent Sunday's at their house for dinner.
So, try not to over imagine that your parents are now ill. That in itself could drive you crazy. Just wait until your Mom or Dad calls you to tell you about a medical emergency, which could be a decade from now. Put trust in your parent's doctors that the doctors know what they are doing, and put trust in your parents that they are adult enough to know if the prescription meds are having side effects.
I’m not sure this will make you feel any better but my mom didn’t need help until she was 90. My dad at about 82. The help they needed was someone to take them to appointments that were several hours away. Their minds were great.
The help they needed in their final years was mostly physical. It did escalate in their final years but it sounds like you may be borrowing trouble at this point.
Let’s say your dad is actually ill. He has his wife and good friends nearby. I believe you when you say you are noticing a change in your dad but a nervous daughter might not be what would make him better.
I also think this is a sweet spot in life with our parents. When they are in their 70s so I encourage you to spend more time with them.
One last suggestion. Pick up the book “Being Mortal: Medicine and what matters in the end” by Atul Gawande. You read it and maybe get dad a copy for Fathers Day. It might help you both.
I had to wait until my Mom got so sick that she couldn't protest my taking her to live with me. It's not fair to those of us with stubborn parents. We're here for you.
I'm glad for my children's interest in my life. I'm happy to go to lunch with one of them occasionally. I like it when they sometimes invite me to join them at a concert. I don't mind talking to them about my health, but I think the topic bores all of us. But an intervention??! Why should my children get to intervene in my life? Exactly what do you have in mind? You'd find some other people to gang up on me and insist I tell you more than my sense of privacy wants to reveal? And then what? Decide that you know better than my doctors what pills I should be taking or what medical professionals I should see?
Is your dad increasingly anxious, or was he more anxious on one encounter? Was that by phone or in person? Mom's been saying "everything is fine" for 30 years. What is your evidence that this isn't true?
Some people are extremely private. Some people wouldn't mind taking out a billboard to share all the details of their lives with the general public. Your parents are entitled to fit on this spectrum wherever they are comfortable.
Instead of "intervening," visit and call them more often. If you are worried about them, see them monthly and call them weekly. Get to know by observation how they seem to be doing. Do little things to brighten their lives. Enjoy the present.
Thank you for your reply. I see my parents every 3-4 months. I last saw them in March. There are no relatives around them, I have no siblings, and I’m careful about talking to their close friends because they get upset if they think I’m “snooping.” My parents are extremely private people anyway.
My husband and I have both tried talking to them. I’ve even told them I would like to go to Dr. visits with them, but they won’t tell me when appointments are. They won’t tell me what medications they take. I feel as if I have to wait for something tragic to happen before I can get involved.
You mention that your father seems more agitated but otherwise it sounds like things are the same. When was the last time you saw your parents?
Do you have other relatives living near your parents that you could check in with?
Perhaps it’s time for a trip home to have some walks and talks with mom and dad and satisfy yourself that things are fine or not.