I am coordinating care for my dad. He lives 2 1/2 hours away and no matter how much I do it is not enough- I am struggling. Any tips?

Tell him to knock it off when he becomes abusive. Walk away if he doesn't, every single time.

Find a good counselor to help you understand that you are not responsible to pay the price for his choices. You are not his doormat, so stand up.

Call APS and report a vulnerable, at risk senior and let the state deal with his needs.

Your husband, children and you all come before him. After you are all taken care of, then you can help him, if there is time. Don't short your children to accommodate him, it is time you will never get back. Burning yourself out for him will make you someone you don't want to be and that will adversely effect your children.

He is the one that needs to make changes, like moving into an assisted living facility and selling his remote house. He doesn't get to control you and be in charge unless you let him. Remember he is the one in need.

There is a good reason that all other family has totally disconnected. This doesn't mean your have to stay because you are it.

Yes you CAN ignores his needs. No one should be exposed to manipulate and abusive behavior.

His "pickles" are his own. What you are doing is enabling a charade of independence.

If you report him to APS as a vulnerable adult, he will get on their radar. Eventually the county will assume guardianship of him and will manage his medical and financial affairs and make sure he is in a safe facility where he will get meals, hygiene and a more social environment. If he's abusive, uncooperative, violent there he will go into MC or a locked down care facility. This is what happened with my manipulative step-FIL who had Parkinsons. He wouldn't assign us as PoA yet wanted (expected!) us to drive over to him to his house to continually pick him up off the floor (he was 6' 4") and bring meals, etc. all while my hubs and I were running our business working full-time, with 3 kids in school. He was never actively engaged in our family, his own biological sons were estranged from him. And he was broke, and upside down on his mortgage. Finally when I had filled out a Medicaid app for him (which took hours) he wouldn't sign it. I told him what would happen going forward: either he assigned a PoA (or the Medicaid form) OR we would walk away and allow the county to come in to deal with his needs. I think he thought I was joking. Eventually the county did get guardianship and they placed him in a locked MC because he fought them. I never once went to visit him. He chose what happened to him.

Your dad has made choices, too. He chose to be a jackass and chose to not learn the lesson that most people (except you) will walk away from that treatment. I think you maybe need to talk to a therapist, as you seem to have a dysfunctional or co-dependent relationship with your father. You have a conscience, and you are concerned for him as a human being, but you need help with boundaries. Your own family comes first and eventually your father's needs will overwhelm you, your time, energy and mental health. If you can't make yourself walk away from him (like other wise family members) you may wind up losing your family as well. He is a grown man who had his whole life to save and plan for this season and eventuality of his decline, just like all of us. He chose not to. You in no way are obligated to come in to rescue him or help him in any way -- there are other solutions available to him besides you. If you juggle flaming balls you will eventually catch fire.

You should do one of two things before you get completely worn out and it starts effecting you family and work.
#1
Hire a Live In for your Dad.

#2
Your Dad goes in to a Nursing Home

I have a similar situation with my Mom much farther away. Someone on here suggested finding a geriatric care manager and it has made an incredible difference in managing all this. There is an organization that vets them and I would highly recommend at least doing a consult.

Bonds with a parent who was an alcoholic, abusive etc. are complicated. I trust you’ve attended Al Anon and or had counseling. If not you need to…in fact even if you have it would be wise to have someone you can talk to confidentially about your issues.
You probably realize he is now living with dementia and there is no reasoning with him and many become increasingly angry and hurtful towards the one person who does the most for them. While you may thin it,s admiral you’ve taken this on after what you have suffered with him over the years, one has to ask why you feel it’s your sole responsibility? We are not super heroes with unlimited energy and compassion. You need boundaries and please listen to the excellent advice given by Geaton777.
he made his bed…he needs to lie in it. You do not have to "change the sheets"

I suggest you get him placed somewhere so that your responsibilities lessen. This will not get easier and eventually he will need placement to attend to his cognitive and physical needs. What would happen to him if you cut off all your help? You have your answer.

DO NOT - not not not move him in with you.
trust me. Mine did move in with me snd I’m loosing my mind. I feel depressed fir the first time in my life. My relationship with him is damaged and getting worse. My relationship with my child, and husband have been compromised. My work is compromised. And HE is lonely and depressed, with no activities. Perfectly able person too. It’s a nightmare. Do not move him in with you.
i WISH I had gotten this advice - but alas, im now in s as situation where im loosing everything I love.

Is Assisted Living or having someone come to the house a few hours a day, feasible?
Thats really overwhelming and doing it from another state is more stressful.

Yes, you are dealing with a very hard and difficult situation. I hope you have POAs because you are going to need them! Soon or later you are going to have to make some hard choices for your dad. Right now he is probably alert and cognitive enough to resist any change in his living arrangement. However there will come a time when a medical circumstance will compel a change. Since he will not be cooperative now, you have to probably wait until a medical circumstance occurs or some legal problem arises. If finances are going to be problem I would visit the State’s DHS and start the Medicaid process.

I think there is some old stigma out there about placing family in a nursing home or using public services to help and it just is an old, emotionally-based rant. Use the services available. Contact Medicare and see what is available in your state for respite care as I believe they may cover someone coming to do home checks for medically based needs. Medicaid can help cover some placement expenses too. He probably hasn't given you Power of Attorney (POA) if he is difficult and idk how or if you can get it without his consent so let the state handle him. That's what those services are for. Visit when u can - unless your presence makes him worse because he acts out due to shame or whatever. U aren't responsible for picking up his or any other adult's pieces and he has lived a nice long life and paid lots of taxes so he (and you) is/are entitled to use the services out there. Best of luck to you.

You are in a very difficult situation. I am a Geriatric Care Manager in Tennessee. Unfortunately this situation happens all too often. I would highly recommend finding a Geriatric Care Manager in his area that can make assessments, recommendations, arrange needs, and follow-up. if you dont take care of yourself you can't take care of anyone else...
However GCM are not usually covered via insurance unless he has a Long Term Care Policy. If he can't afford the private pay cost look into Medicaid and then assistance through them.

A couple of questions, please:

Is your father mentally competent per a doctor's evaluation?
If he is mentally competent, then he needs to direct his own care - not you. He will suffer negative consequences of poor choices, but that is his business - not yours.
If he is not mentally competent, it appears he may have reached the point that he needs more concrete boundaries on his behavior - limited access to his own finances, no longer driving... Start talking to a counsellor who understands "caring for difficult seniors" or read a boundary book by Townsend and Cloud to help create a plan that works better.

Do you want to be the person in charge of your father's care and day-to-day life?
Since you find this task overwhelming and life-sucking, it might be better to ask the courts to appoint a legal guardian who will take over these tasks.

Make sure HE pays for anything purchased for him, to of course include any caregivers or geriatric care managers.

What is his financial situation?

You said essentially the more you do, the worse he becomes. The answer seems to be there. I used to work with disturbed children. There were some who could not manage a caring home. Stirred up too much hurt and anger; they actually were more comfortable and content in an institutional setting. Clear limits, fewer emotional nuances, which were beyond them sadly. I fear you are not doing him much good, except temporary avoidance of consequences, and yourself a lot of harm. Back off and get help as everyone says.

The only time caregiving is successful is if the care is done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
You are doing more than enough for your father. You have arranged for in-home caregiving to take care of his daily needs. You have taken responsibility for managing his money and financial decisions. You have become his medical secretary who is keeping track of all the conditions, their treatments, and all the doctors. You also visit regularly.
Considering you're doing all of this while still working a full-time job and raising a family, I'd say you're doing a fine job as your father's caregiver. If all of this isn't enough for him then TOO BAD! He can go into a nursing home then.
You do not have to cater to his every whim and demand. Nor do you have to tolerate his abuse because he wants you to make his care needs and what he wants your entire life. He doesn't deserve that. No one does.
Stop tolerating this behavior from your father. Remind him that he had no relationship with you for 25 years and that you can easily resume that once again and very easily. Good luck to you.

My heat goes out to you. Your platter is overflowing. Try as we might, we can’t do it all. But through all you said…ultimately, you said - but I can’t ignore his needs. That being the case help yourself in order to help him. Step back, sit down, pen-pad-coffee in hand, breathe, relax ponder🤔 and pray. There is love there and I see it hides a multitude of faults. But no not give in to his whims the sacrifices you or your family. Consider a live-in-companion, Social agencies, Civic, Veterans Affairs, Churches, Al Anon (good advice). Set up cameras: RING for entrance and Wize for throughout house.
Finally, talk to and seek help from the least resistant family member or call a family meeting.

You have a lot on your plate. Talk with him and tell him that he'll have to use aides as much as possible to do the "heavy lifting" so that you can be in an oversight/coordination role and your visits with him should be just to check up on him and how he's doing. Don't let him get into your mind, and just do what you can do - don't feel any guilt about what you can't do.

It sounds to me that you are 'still' that little ABUSED wounded child, reacting.
(I believe) That pain never healed.
Be aware of 'who' - which part of 'you' is reacting - the child or the adult 'now.' It is not the adult now although this may be confusing/difficult for you to not only understand but how to move through and forward. While I often advise / encourage people to get into therapy, the awareness of your behavior is the first step.

1. You, as an adult now, need to decide how to respond; and

2. Set boundaries, limits on your 'helping' (the helping is continuing the wounding of the past for YOU)

3. Many children abused continue to 'love' their abuser because it is all they have / know. This is not love, it is trauma caused by what has happened to you. Your 'love' now is self-abuse.

4. Understand that he no longer 'controls' YOU - you allow whatever he says, wants, needs, etc control or dictate your thoughts and behavior.

S - T - O - P

5. You need to understand that you (YOU) and your immediate family come first. And that you can only do so much for him. You cannot 'save' him. He will make his own decisions and suffer the consequences.

6. You must be clear on:

a) wanting to separate (the wounded child from the adult you);

b) if he can understand, tell him what you will and will not do; ... and if he doesn't understand, you DO IT anyway. The boundary setting is for YOU and your well being and your family. You are acting out as a 'co-dependent' - find out what this means through AA program, attend meetings if you can. Awareness is inner-power.

c) enlist social services or medical professionals as available; and

d) be very clear on your priorities (i.e., you, your immediate family) and make 'healthy' decisions from the 'adult' you now.

7. Realize you are that wounded child and get professional help to untangle the 'two yours' - you need to heal and let your dad do what he wants.

8. Really think about your immediate family and how YOU want to be with them, and the example you set. You want them to grow up healthy, mentally, emotionally, etc., and you need to be there, in the present.

9. Your dad will NEVER CHANGE. He cannot. You can and you need to for your own sanity and realizing the messaging you are giving to your husband, children by your behavior. You are teaching by example: no personal boundaries = no self-esteem, wounding behavior.

10. What you say here "... but I can't ignore his needs."
Yes and No. You do what you can, set limits, and the chips fall where they fall.
You S T O P contribution to your own chipping away at yourself AND you start to heal that inner-child. Your feelings here are the 'wounded child' speaking.

He will consume you if you allow it.

And then, how will you be - with yourself and your immediate family? You will burn out if you do not put on your 'adult hat' and take responsibility for who you are now and make healthy decisions.

* Will this change of your thinking and behavior be easy. ABSOLUTELY NOT. It will take focused awareness and a decision on how you want (and need) to proceed. It starts with changing your 'head/thinking' - telling yourself you want to heal that abused child and this is the way to do it . . . self love, feeling through the discomfort of setting limits, challenging your own thoughts (guilt) of stepping back / setting boundaries.

* Lastly, research books 'wounded child' 'co-dependency.'

Gena / Touch Matters

Yourself and your young family need to be your priorities. Assist your dad only to the extent that neither of those are significantly impacted. If he needs more help, then help him find a facility that can meet his needs.

If he will not respect you walk away.
He is abusive and that is not to be tolerated.
If you abuse it, you lose it. Joseph Anthony a son of Jehovah
If he will not appreciate your kindness let him live in a hell of his own making.

Try as best you can to unhook from your ideal "I SHOULD be doing X and Y and Z and and...", as that is the crux of this: you're putting that "should" in front of yourself, and it sounds like that is what's keeping you from setting healthy boundaries. As others have said, you need to focus on yourself and your own family before you can think about what you can do for your father. Sometimes the only person you can save is yourself.

As others have said, figure out what you can do while keeping yourself healthy and sane (not what you are telling yourself you SHOULD do!), and then protect your time and mental health beyond that. If you still feel you can help, then maybe focus on his absolute needs - safety, shelter, food, needed medical care, etc. His "wants" beyond that (or maybe even some of the "needs"!) may be too much for you to deal with, and that's ok. You can walk away from those (it may be hard, but you CAN) - enlist whatever local social services you can and liberally use the phrase "I am not local, and I can't help him with this".

Don't buy into the Hallmark movie syndrome - just because you are family doesn't make him your responsibility or duty. All his other family have set their boundaries with him, and so can you. From what you've said, he's pushed everyone else away, so you are just the last in line. That DOESN'T make him your responsibility, especially if he is now abusing you despite the help you are providing. And as others note, it could be that the more you help, the more he feels entitled to/the more trouble he feels he can get into, because he knows you'll take care of it.

So many great responses here. I will just pass along something a cousin said to me years ago - You need to take care of your family first.

It has become something I hold on to when I start to question if I'm doing enough. My folks are 'only' dealing with the steady decline of getting older, but neither one of them really positioned themselves to make sure they were in better shape as they aged, so I can only do so much. You can't be responsible for the consequences of how he chose to live his life and treat other people.

If he has the funds consider a geriatric care manager. These lovely folks take over coordinating all of that for an hourly fee.

I am still thinking of Gena's reply below & *awareness*...

My situation is different but when I truly looked at my bigger picture - looked at what my giving/helping/serving was - it was illuminating. It didn't actually help my relative become more independant, just increased dependance on me. After a time, it did not make me feel helpful either, but overwhelmed & frustrated. I started neglecting my own family & own needs & resentment grew. It served no-one.

What started out like a flower, a gift of dutiful service, was grown from a bed of unhealthy roots, from poor communication, from mixed messages of what was love & acceptance. What it was to be a 'good girl'.

I decided to change the 'gift'. From at beck & call help & general fixer to advocate to encourage their own life choices towards fixing their own problems. So far mixed results. Some new independence, but also turning from me to find new fixers.

Now I understand more about how some people can become estranged. How the man I met a few years ago, with an estranged son, then attached himself to a nephew. I have since heard this pattern in many many families.

If the OP's Dad accepts his situation: aging/health/finances/dependencies etc & gets help to rearrange his world to a smaller environment where he CAN be more independent, great!

If not, if he still expects the world to serve him, for his daughter to fix everything for him he will drive her away too.

Maybe the kindest thing would be to tell him, so he can make an informed choice.

Imho, you must set boundaries in this matter.

You do not comment on your father's cognitive situation - but assuming that is because he is mentally capable, I think you have to sit down with him and discuss EVERYTHING you have put in your post. What does he need, why does he think you should supply it, why isn't anyone else helping, are his requests reasonable, how do you deal with your other responsibilities, affect on your health due to his previous behaviour etc etc.
Either you will be able to come to an agreement, or you won't. If the former then great, if the latter then TELL him what you are able and willing to do and discuss options for the rest. At the end of the day if he exceeds what you are willing and able to do then you will do nothing and he will have to pay for everything he needs doing - you have NO responsibility for his life, but as with just about all parents we feel some duty even if the relationship has been poor, that duty may extend to assisting or arranging assistance, it does not extend to compromising your own health and well being especially if you have tried to have a reasonable discussion on the matter. Perhaps trying to have the conversation will assist you in making a decision on what needs to happen going forward for what could be a number of years of increasing work load. Good luck x

I have a question - with the story of his background and the relationship, WHY ON EARTH DON'T YOU PUT HIM INTO A FACILITY? I am so upset when I hear about people taking care of parents who were so mean and distant, etc. to them - why are they putting up with it? I can't stand how people are taken advantage of by these elders. It is their problem - NOT yours. Place him as soon as you can and live the life you were meant to live while you still can. Life is gone before we do a lot (like happened with me) - don't let this happen to you. And in the meantime, get very tough and firm. Set boundaries and do NOT do what you can't do or don't want to do. You and yours come first.

I have no advice, but am writing to add that I'm engaged in a very similar struggle currently, and I see you.

Why are you doing this to yourself and your own family?!

”But it’s my dad!” Is not a valid reason when he was never your dad at all.

You won’t win his love or get the relationship you should have had with him. Stop holding out any hope for that. He has crushed your heart enough.

Yes, you can ignore him when he is being abusive. I don’t understand why people let themselves be used and hurt. If he is unable to care for himself, let him sell his home and move to a nursing home or assistant living. Life is too short to put up with a bully. My friend’s mother was a bully that destroyed her life and the mother lived to be 91. The daughter wasted years being yelled at and controlled. The daughter’s kids are really screwed up too now.
You tell him how it will be and if he doesn’t like it, let him take care of his own problems or not.