She is in the early stages of dementia. Since my dad died in 2019, she's also had to cope with her loss. I, myself, have many medical problems, and am in the process of filing for disability. My problem is more with MY reactions to her behavior, since I used to work with people with dementia as a nursing assistant. I feel like I should know better, should be more in control of how I react to her behavior, which at times, is frankly abusive (verbal). She doesn't treat anyone else that way, in our family, or her friends. She's somehow able to pull it together when she's around other people. I think that many people don't understand that people with dementia can be very manipulative and mean. My saving grace is two of her three sisters who keep in touch with me on a regular basis. Apparently, my grandmother, my mom's mom, who lived with one of her other daughters (my mom's sister near the end of her life, and was very cruel to her (my aunt). However, my grandmother treated her other daughters like royalty, compared to the one who took care of her. Fortunately, my aunts have been very supportive and sympathetic to my situation, as it seems history is repeating itself. I would like all those in this online community to know that caregivers are sometimes treated badly, for no reason, and I sympathize with all of you who might feel bad or guilty when you lose control and defend yourself against the irrational behavior of a dementia patient.
Strange behaviors, in my Mom’s case, were just seen as “strange”. It wasn’t for a long time that things finally added up, and we had that Aha! moment, that we knew it was dementia.
I see myself as an educated person, an avid reader, and a researcher. My Mom’s issues knocked me for a loop, since among other things, I wasn’t prepared.
I am, without trying to burden them, slowly educating my daughters as to what is going on with their grandmother. I’m hoping that then they won’t be as surprised as I was, if dementia hits me or their Dad.
Yesterday, during a window visit, she was slurring her words & acting like she dying, pretending she had 'no idea it was Christmas'. As soon as the care giver walked into the room, she lit up. The slurring stopped, she smiled, she was REVIVED and REJUVENATED! It was like a Christmas miracle. Snicker.
Dementia patients, especially in the early to moderate stage of the disease, can DEFINITELY be manipulative and mean. My mother is a perfect example. Those that don't believe such a thing is possible do not have to deal with a mean & manipulative loved one with dementia. It's that simple.
I think we all do the best we can with the behaviors that we're dealing with. Sometimes we lose our cool. Sometimes we're okay with being verbally assaulted. Sometimes we're not. We're all human and dealing with dementia is THE hardest thing on earth to do.
We come here to vent and sometimes we are told 'Shame on you' for losing your cool or feeling frustrated with your loved one who's treating you like crap or repeating himself 100x in 15 minutes.
I say, Shame on the person who says 'Shame on you' because we're all human, doing the best we can with a difficult situation.
The best thing we can all do for ourselves is to take a break from the loved one who's causing us stress. To leave the room, leave the house, leave their presence, whatever. Call in extra help whenever possible, call in the reinforcements. Call in a favor from a relative offering to help so you can take a bath, make a phone call, take a nap. Take a vacation even. Run away to Europe.
Wishing you all the best with a tough situation, my friend.