I am wondering how everyone deals with boundaries with their aging loved ones. Boundaries from the least significant to the most invasion of privacy? My mom does not have dementia(yet) but as she gets older(82) she crosses boundaries all day long. When the boundary is approached she gets upset which then sets for a tense and emotional setting. I am talking boundaries such as looking at our mail to be nosey, reminding us 10 times about something I am suppose to be doing (work, whatever), reads our to do lists, butts into conversation that is not hers. I have tried numerous times explaining everyone stays in their own lane, that if it does not directly affect or involve you then stay out. Anyone else deal with boundary issues and if so how do you approach and deal with it?
I found Teepa Snow videos on YouTube to be very informative and helpful in learning about how dementia changes our LOs and how to better interact with them in order to "keep the peace".
My 92-yr old mom eats dinner with me and my hubs at our house often. Many times I'll be sitting across from my husband and he'll ask me a question and she will butt in and answer. I just look at her and say, "excuse me, he was talking to me, not you". And sometimes she gets pissy, but we ignore it and continue talking. She eventually forgets or gets over it. When she "reminds" me of things and responsibilities I will often not even acknowledge what she said and just move on, or I'll just nod my head, not even making eye contact. I've decided to put in the least amount of response since I find it draining. She lives next door to us. My mom was somewhat "different" and challenging when she was younger. Now it is ramping up and I choose how I react -- that's as much as I can do (plus be a buffer between her and my saintly husband). I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart as you go on this journey with your mom.
Figure out what works for you, and what does NOT work for you, and go from there. Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
I have been known to say (with politeness) "that's my business, not yours" or something similar.
Frequent requests for nosey information are met with one word answers.
Inquiries about personal matters (is money) are met with "why do you want to know that?"
Many times a good boundary WILL change the behaviour. But then again, depending on many factors, quite often it won't.
If not, then let the consequences do the work. Also let the consequences take the blame.
Pesky relatives that emailed, called, text's all December wanting instant call backs were told I am busy & stressed in December. I will NOT get back to you instantly. Calls kept coming - just stuff, not.emergencies. Consequence: zero calls returned. Also zero guilt.
Daughterinlaw, if Mom gets tense & emotional if she runs into a boundary - so be it. That's ok. She can feel however she feels. The aim is to practice not absorbing her feelings yourself. Keep the message clear.
There is also some people that want to be sharing & living the exact same life as those around them. They may not even want to be independant - just have attached themselves onto someone else is fine for them. This will lead to co-dependancy without adequate boundaries.
The door opens, and she’s up checking it out. I can’t bring home groceries with her complaining about the quantity (there are 5 people living in our house - there’s going to be a lot). I’m always the one in the wrong. I’m always crazy, or not doing something right. Meanwhile, she hasn’t had a bath in over a year, doesn’t believe in things like soap or toothpaste, and I’m the crazy one???
My biggest beef is when she hovers while I’m cooking. You know what it’s like - it’s all about timing, and in the last 5 minutes, it’s the busiest. Of course, she’s always in the kitchen, just standing in the way (it’s a small kitchen), wanting to know all I’m doing, but angry that I’m not telling her (she is hearing impaired, language barrier impaired, and if I stop to look at her and tell her multiple times, something’s going to burn).
My trick for keeping her out of the kitchen is I bump up music she doesn’t like really loud. Then she doesn’t want to stay in there, and won’t argue if I close the door (otherwise, she will insist on it being open).
To solve the other problems is inconvenience. We put the mail where she won’t find it, but not where we like to keep it. We shut the door when we’re on the phone, and just say, “I’m on the phone. Privacy please!” when she tries to eavesdrop.
To me, it’s like her brain has shrunk, and she can’t comprehend everything that’s going on, or why my kids are doing school on the computer one day. No amount of explaining seems to help. She’s just rude and aggressive when she doesn’t understand something, and calls us crazy. However, her nature has always been scowls and selfishness, so I’m not surprised she’s still like this despite having an addled brain.
It's really tough, but you have to have them and be consistent with them. And for us she fought us every step of the way. Everything from lying, to calling us names, to accusing us of mistreatment, etc. This went on several times a day. IN addition, when she was more "relational" it would be about how everyone in her life treated her terrible, that she was persecuted (by siblings, spouse, children, etc.) and while I tried to be a shoulder of comfort, her nastiness also found a target in me. She also did annoying things like, want to know why I shut and or locked my bedroom door, why I would go outside using the front door, and come back in through the back, where I was going et al. If I had left while she was still in her room, or if I remained upstairs for a bit then came down stairs I'd be asked where I went, did I go out, or was I upstairs. In other areas, she'd be passive aggressive about things. She'd also stand in the middle of the kitchen while I was walking from point to point, and literally follow me to those points, while I was cooking. If I left the area, she'd follow me. She'd routinely make excuses for her awful behavior, routinely lie and or remember things "selectively" and the list goes on. The more love, care and support we showed her, the worse she treated us. There is much more I could detail but you get the picture. Finally, I went into self preservation mode. I figured out what I was dealing with and other than providing very quality care for her, I refused to allow her to use up my time by being a target of her poisonous and cruel attitude and behavior. I had to apply major boundaries and it didn't go down well for quite a while. What use to be attacks by her several times a day has diminished to less than once a week now. That doesn't mean she doesn't try or that the other annoying and passive aggressive behaviors aren't present, they are, but I don't give them the time of day and if I have something to say, it's usually along the lines of, "uh-huh, I see, I'm so sorry you feel that way, well, I have a class to finish, or work to finish, or even - no, we are not having this conversation, I'm done."