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Late last Sunday night, I couldn't find my mom in her room or bathroom. Found her in the garage going through the trash bin (trash bags). Asked what she's doing. Said she's looking for the award. I said what award. She said she threw away one of my kids awards. I saw on the floor pieces of torn papers, pictures, etc.. she took out of the trash bag. When she moved with us after my dad died almost 2 years ago, we gave her my husband's office downstairs to use as her bedroom so she doesn't have to walk up and down the stairs, and the bathroom is close by for her. So we have 3 bookshelves where most of our important and precious possessions we have like important documents, books, pictures, memories from our kids when they were younger, etc... I told her she can look at the photo albums but don't throw don't touch anything else like important paperworks. Last Sunday night she went through the bookshelf and threw some of things in the garbage. What she did was, she tore up my daughter's award in half, she tore up in pieces important loan documents, she threw a box my oldest painted and gave my husband for Father's Day 6 years ago. She ripped it to pieces. Don't know how she was able to do this but she tore in pieces a picture of one of my kids from preschool made into an ornament. It was torn where we can't recover the picture. She threw away credit card among other things she threw and torn. We were so angry but stayed calm. We asked her why would she do this?! She said she it was old and didn't think we needed it. Bookshelves are not longer in her room. We moved it all downstairs in our basement. Recently she called her sister about it and told her that we got upset because she spilled a little water on my daughter's award. When she tried to clean it up, she told her sister we got upset. My aunt told me that we knew about it. My mom does everything late at night when we're all in bed or when we're not home. Don't worry, there's always someone at home with her. Anyways, even if she threw it away, don't understand why she needs to tear it in to pieces?! Not only is she starting to throw important things away, I hear her telling her sister lies, false information, made up stories she think it's true.



I've been tirelessly taking care of switching her insurance to our state we reside, finding doctor's, dentist, etc... who takes her medicare insurance. Not many dentist do. Took me almost full day to find a local dentist. Longer story short, my brother financially abuses her money where he uses covid and other excuses not to work. So he lives off my m's social security money which is not much. We think he wipes her account clean to gamble. Anyways, I had to spend several trips to social security to get her new social security card casuse my brother only gave her a copy. He won't send her citizenship so she can get an ID. My brother won't even give my mom's engagement ring, bracelet. These are the only memories she has left of what my dad gave her. She needs ID in order to fly or other things that needs ID. For 2 years I can't fly to visit my oldest in college cause she can't fly anywhere without ID and we can't leave her home by herself and we have nobody here when we moved here. With all that, I'm emotionally and physically drained. So my brother makes me work harder to go to social security to get everything. Don't know where to start to get her citizenship. I'm so tired. :(

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Life with your elder is very difficult.
I can only imagine how exhausted you must be.
Continue to seek online all the education you can about the altered mind of the demented.
She really is not rational, not in control of her actions, and is not doing any longer the activities of daily living that a rational person would do.
One doctor in speaking of viewing scans of his own brain beset by early dementia described it as looking at SWISS CHEESE. You can imagine.

Hope you have some support and some respite. I don't know that she would be capable of "flying" anywhere at this point. I wouldn't over-worry that. I honestly do not even know how a non-citizen gets ID papers of any kind if they are not from the "home" country.

I wish you the best.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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There is no rhyme or reason why they do the things they do. It's so hard and it's much like having a 2 year old. The problem is when you have a 2 year old you can teach them. Thats the difference, you can't teach your mom. And asking her to explain why she did what she did , will get you no where's, but her more upset.

Please Google Teepa Snow, and learn everything you can

And you say someone is always around? But she gets into things, sounds to me like she needs to be watched closer. Which I know in life that's not easy, we have things to do. So maybe it's time to start thinking of other alternatives. Your mom could start the oven during the night she could get outside.

If you don't seek alternative please go and find all the safety devices you can. Bells for the door, locks the for the stove ECT ,..

I did some caregiving, one client was so much like your mom. Much easier to handle when it's not your mom. I couldn't turn my back for a second. One time she put my cell phone in a sock , then stuck it between 2 books. No clue how she achieved that , in the short amount of time I left her. She was sneaky, cookies in the couch, knives in bathroom med cabinet.

So this is not unusual at all. Best of luck to you. I'm sure this is very hard
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Anxietynacy Jun 23, 2024
Also it sounds like your moms very bored. She needs more activities to keep her occupied.

I would take every towel in the house shake it out and asked her to fold them. Take all the silverware mess it up and ask her to organize it. She probably needs to feel productive in something being she most like did the cooking and cleaning when you where young

Also there not lying, they don't remember, why or what they did
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If she has a valid foreign passport, she should be able to fly with that as her ID.

However, her behavior is no longer acceptable for her to be in strange places, such as an airport. There's no telling how she might behave on a plane, and I don't think you want to find out.

If you place her in managed memory care, she will be more closely watched and thus safer, and you would get the relief you deserve. Realize that she's never going to get better, only worse. How much more of this can you take?

The best to you and mom as you move forward on this difficult path.
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Reply to Fawnby
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One day I happened upon mother (dementia, paranoid) mixing a grey slurry that smelled like bleach. Turns out she’d dissolved many important papers to keep anyone from stealing them. Certain she’d remember the details so she didn’t need paper records.

I am now struggling to reconstruct her financial information. When she moved here she and I consolidated her accounts and investments because she had a little at every bank in Canada. In the old days you’d get a blanket or steak knives or towels, etc. if you opened a new account. Anyway, soon after she pranked me by opening more accounts (which she laughingly confessed later begged me to find and deal with) and I still have two accounts outstanding.

I spent her last year here (she’s now in care) going through her garbage after I noticed she’d thrown out photos of my father.

Let snowbird79’s and my story be a warning you heed! If you have anything critical or sentimental, lock it away from a person with dementia. They can become fixated on a belief and little will stop them.
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Reply to Anabanana
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I suggest 2 things. Lock up all your important papers, photos and mementos, away from mother and where she cannot get to them anymore. Unless the basement is closed off in some way, she can find those papers THERE, too. Demented folks are quite crafty.

Leaving her unattended at night is a dangerous time, because many elders with dementia cannot sleep and wind up wandering out the front door, or getting into lots of trouble in other ugly ways. I hope you have deadbolt locks high up on your exterior doors to prevent her from leaving the house while everyone is sleeping. This is one reason memory care AL is so popular.

Secondly, she herself doesn't know "why" she's tearing up photos! She's got brain damage, so why ask why? The stories she tells others based on her version of the truth is known as Confabulation. It's what elders with dementia do all the time, and why caring for them at home becomes unmanageable for many people. One of 1,000 reasons you're now learning about, unfortunately.

Pick up a copy of the book Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller on Amazon so you can learn about dementia and how to deal with your mother, and what to expect, basically. Teepa Snow will smile and tell you how to bathe an already compliant elder, not one who's throwing feces or cussing you out in a new language she's invented.

Best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Anxietynacy Jun 23, 2024
As a caregiver we would sleep with a baby monitor, I would set my phone alarm to go off every hour to wake up and check on them and to never let myself sleep deep. It's exhausting.

From here on our it's not going to get easier! Time to start making future plans
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Yes , they throw things out , lie and save strange things in strange places . They don’t know why they do these things , so don’t bother asking .

I would not take Mom on a trip . Can your daughter come to visit you instead ?

Who has POA ? Start the Medicaid process for Mom to go into care facility .
Go to a lawyer for this and regarding your brother absconding your mother’s SS.

If mom ends up in the hospital , you tell the social worker there that you can no longer care for Mom and DO NOT take mom home again no matter what they say to you . You tell them it’s an unsafe discharge .

Good Luck
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Reply to waytomisery
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My daddy went through old photo albums and tore out pictures then put them in a box. ARRGH, when I realized this had happened, after he died, I contacted his nephew and emailed the pictures to him so I could put them back in the photo album. Thank God I did this as soon as I did because he nephew became ill and died about a year later. We need to remember that Alz and Dem patients brains are broken and do not live in the same world that you and I do.
My daddy cut the cable wire on the house after I told him not to go into the yard, he kept asking about a certain wire, and I told him to leave it. One night I came home and he looked like the cat that ate the canary -- he had cut this cable and had no tv to watch. Well, I needless to say I had to lock up everything... I took the knobs off the stove, the scissors were locked up in my sewing room, knives were hidden. I had to get a special phone for him because he would invite the estimate people over to give estimates for roof repair. About a six months later - I had to put him in a facility. Don't get me wrong it wasn't an easy decision but for him to be safe it had to be done.
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Lie? Oh yes they do and imagine things that never happened.
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Reply to Jada824
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I don't consider it lying since the motivation for doing it isn't the same as people who don't have cognitive impairment.

My Mother has deprogrammed her cable remote 5 out of 7 days this week. She keeps telling me she's NOT touching the "setup" button (which is the only thing that is deprogramming it). She sincererly believes she hasn't touched it and that there's a problem with the cable service. Today I am putting hard resin over that button so it can no longer be pressed by accident (she has neuropathy and arthritis in her fingers, doesn't wear her reading glasses, so doesn't know she's touching it).
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Reply to Geaton777
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Dementia brings out the worst behavior. My mom never lied and now lies all the time. Your mom will need to be placed in a memory care assisted living facility very soon. This is for her own safety.
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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We dealt with missing items for years . I still can’t find my bicycle lock or a small purse with old coins . They take items - no idea where they hide them ? I went through this for years looking for lost items , money , college rings , phones. , chargers … A whole container of oatmeal disappeared as I was putting away groceries - never to be seen again . Bicycles stolen - or torn apart . Paint peeled off my car then constant spray painting . Spray painting and sanding was an obsession . Sometimes I wonder how I survived .
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Reply to KNance72
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First does your mother have a diagnosis of dementia? Get her evaluated by her Dr. Go with and explain to Dr what she’s been doing. Once you have an actual official diagnosis, then you know where to start.

You need to get POA or guardianship. Then you will control her finance's and medical. That will prevent your brother from taking her funds. Do that ASAP - get an elder care attorney to help. Know what she has in assets.

Next her care and future care. Assuming she has Medicare, contact your local Area Agency on Aging (Google them). They can contact hospice in your area. Hospice is not just for end of life. Medicare pays for hospice. They will work with you on palliative care in your home if you need it. Hospice will also give you access to a social worker who can help either find caregivers you can hire or maybe placement in a nursing home. Area Agency on Aging can also help you apply if your state has any grants to help you financially to hire help.

Lots to do, but you need to be proactive and get a handle on her situation. You must be her advocate now that she can’t make good decisions.
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Reply to Donttestme
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Forget flying. She is beyond traveling safely. Short car trips are all she should be doing. Put her in a respite facility when you need to travel.

Is mom a citizen? If so you can contact USCIS to get a copy. If not, she probably cannot take the simple test to get her citizenship, so that is out. You need her birth certificate and some evidence that she lives with you and you can get her a non-driver's ID in your state.

Get an elder lawyer and have her SS put into an account that brother can't access. For that matter, can you take her to the bank (once you have legal ID)? Open a new account for her, and have her SS direct deposited there.

Report brother for elder abuse to APS. That money is gone but he can be stopped from stealing in the future.
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Reply to DrBenshir
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My MILWD and FILWD live with us on the lower level of the home. As they have progressed, they are no longer remembering the value of items and don't recognize them. So, things like an antique watch, remotes, shavers, even a wedding ring are not seen as valuable while a Walmart pillow sham was "made by my mother". I encourage you to remove anything that is of value from any area that is accessible to them when this starts to occur. As the DIL, I may not understand the value of things sentimentally to the rest of the family and they may not be ready to take on the burden of sorting through the detritus of a life well-lived while they are still partly with us, so I have plastic bins that contain all sorts of things. The throwing away of valuables is most definitely not intentional and neither is the lying. The lying is really confabulation. When something is not remembered, they will fill in the holes with what is socially acceptable based on what happened. So, when MILWD says that FILWD told her to make him a peanut butter sandwich at 9PM, we know it's not a lie, just an acceptable answer for why she would do that. The real reason is because he was rooting around for cookies which we have been managing access to, so she assumed that he must be hungry. When she puts her hearing aids in her jewelry box instead of on the charger, her husband must have done that since she doesn't remember doing it. Not lying, just filling in. It puts me as a caregiver in a chronic state of being gaslit wholly unintentionally by them. We can feel crazy until we accept that what we hear is just a fantasy version of what they'd really like to be true. Much strength and comfort to you and yours!
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Reply to TerrorSpedMom
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Your mother isn’t deliberately lying, she’s lost the ability to manage her actions and their consequences. Asking her “why” is useless for you both. Leaving her alone at night is setting yourself up for issues. Many people dealing with dementia lose track of time and are up at all hours, becoming wanderers and snoop through unexpected items. Even without the issues of brother, this all may be more than you can continue to handle on your own in a home setting. And sincerely not to pick on you, it would do my heart good if you’d refrain from saying “dementia people” for they are people first, and like them, any of us could meet the sadness of dementia. “My mother with dementia” many thanks
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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You expect a person with dementia to remember to look at things but not destroy them? Can she remember what she had for lunch yesterday and you want her to remember what you told her 2 years ago?
Any and ALL important papers should be kept in a safe location.
What she tells her sister is true in her mind. You can not convince a person with dementia that what they are saying is not true. Don't even get into that argument.
Talk to her doctor about medication for agitation, anxiety and sleeplessness.

Who is POA for mom?
If your brother is abusing her financially you report him. (since it is Social Security he is abusing you can start there.)
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Reply to Grandma1954
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My mom has a trash obsession. She cleans the garbage cans outside and even goes thru trash outside making sure it doesn’t look like trash, so the neighbors don’t see it. Then, the trash inside you will get tackled about if she even thinks you may want to take it out. Cleaning out the fridge is one of my worst days bc of the fight surrounding it. Molded food, she can cut around it. Cat food mistaken for those small tuna pouches? I’m 100% she’s eaten cat food. She rinses out whatever came in a bottle with whatever she’s now drinking so there’s gotta be at least 50/100 empty glass bottles in the kitchen on the floor. My brother lives with her, he won’t fight with her so each time I visit, the first few hrs are cleaning up and clearing out all the garbage. Goodness we have some things in common 🤦🏻‍♀️ I went to grab her meds only to be told she doesn’t have insurance any more. What she did was put the statement aside since last Nov (where it explained she’s now responsible for $6.12 a mo, why? Who knows) so she was cancelled for non payment. I then had to go on a 3way call with her, Aetna rep asking to be reenrolled. Rep needs to know why? I said bc she has dementia, she wasn’t aware it needed to be pd! All the while, my moms screaming to the rep that I’m lying and she doesn’t have dementia. Rep sided with my mom. Im tired too…
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Reply to MSalazar227
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M
my2cents Jul 7, 2024
Get note from doctor to help with insurance renewal. Then let them deduct payment direct from bank account. Use your email as her contact email.

People with dementia may not know they have it. The problem is a broken brain that can't see logic or reality. All the arguing in the world will not convince dementia illness that a sky is blue when the brain now thinks the color is called pink.
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snowbird79: Place under lock and key any important documents. Due to dementia, your mother has an obsession with the trash.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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No one mentioned UTI yet. In the early days of mom's UTI, she threw things away. She chopped up her beautiful Christmas cactus and threw it away. She also somehow destroyed the metal stand and threw that away. She attempted to throw a kitchen chair into the canal behind their house! She threw away pots and pans and pictures and jewelry. She hauled a beautiful wooden rocking chair outside and sat it with the trash. How an 89yo 90lb woman who could barely dress herself did this, I will never understand. She was three weeks into the UTI before it was finally caught (but still not properly treated) and she died a month later. Get mom checked for UTI and make sure they do the culture that takes several days for results. UTI in the elderly may not manifest physically at all, but it does crazy things to them mentally.
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Reply to graygrammie
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I could be standing in the same room with my mother and watch her do any number of things. When I ask her why she did what she did, she will swear up and down she didn't do it and has no idea where I would get that notion. I'm in the process of taking everything I have collected over forty some years and putting it all in our storage shed. That's including the bookcases that hold the items. I have also made big lettered signs that I have placed in plastic sheet protectors and placed them in several places. For example: She has a terrible habit of taking toilet paper and stuffing it in her diaper. I bought her pads to use instead and make sure I have pocket tissues for her to carry. On the wall by the toilet paper holder are two signs: Please do not put toilet paper in your underpants and Please use the pads here (with an arrow) to use instead. This is a new idea and I'm hoping since there no other distractions she will comply. I did not use fancy lettering or colors because I believe it would cause more confusion.
I have no qualms about putting my stuff in storage as I look at it is being set to move once my mother has passed (hopefully before I do).
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Reply to uarew6
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For new ID, send application to state where she was born and get copy of birth certificate. Then you can get replacement ID by taking her in for picture. Instead of making a trip to office, go online and request replacement SS card. The birth certificate you get for ID will prove citizenship. People lose or get purses stolen all the time, so replacing is doable.

You have to understand she has a broken brain and there will be no logic, rhyme or reason for many things she does from here om out. Now you just have to secure things that are important to you so she has no access.
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Reply to my2cents
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