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Memory issues - stroke weakness, I am in tears today. He has dementia and Alzheimer's, he had 6 strokes in 3 days in 2013 and has been in my care for over a year now. I simply feel like I cannot go on. I work full time and spend all the rest of the time with him. I feel ashamed and selfish but I am worn out.

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It is understandable that you are feeling this way. Caregiver stress can be very overwhelming, especially if you are the only person serving that role. I, too, cared for my mother who suffered multiple strokes and I know just how difficult it can be. Caregivers need care too, and you should ask for help. I was fortunate to have a supportive immediate and extended family as well as outside help from hired caregivers during those years. Home Helpers can make it bit easier for you. You shouldn't have to choose whether to be a daughter or a caregiver. Reaching out for help is not selfish, but instead ensures that your dad gets the best of you.
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You have nothing to feel guilty about - you have done so much, but it can reach the point where physical and mental limitations dictate a professional level of care - the old cultural ideal that children take care of parents personally is left over from a time and place when people simply did not live so long, where chronic illness killed off most of us pretty early on. Only the supertough survived. You know, like backwoods Central Asia where you might have a few very old and very tough individuals. Modern medical advances have completely changed this in much of the world. And the children have as much right to their lives as did their elders. Also, the economy dictates that most all of us have to be in the paid workforce to safeguard our old age. These changes are not your fault, not is your father's physical decline. So it becomes necessary to make some realistic but painful decisions and there is nothing to feel guilty about it.
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We're all different; no two persons are exactly alike. And we all, as we get older, have health issues, not just the one whom we have to care for. Today I finally woke up after weeks of being suspicious about my husband's seeming inability to do even a simple thing like putting his sweater on without my help. And when he walks, he takes one baby step at a time and I have to keep cheering him on--"Come on, please walk a little faster, you can do it." And he just continues to move like a turtle. Yesterday, our daughter agreed to drive him all over town to see the sights (he has been nagging about going down to some horse farm to get a job working with horses), and the last thing I know, he was in the bathroom before leaving with my daughter. I did not look forward to taking his arm and very painstakingly helping him to the back door, down the back steps, to her car, etc. etc. I knew it would wear me out.

Then all of a sudden I realized he was no longer in the bathroom. I ran to the window and saw my daughter, with him in the front seat, backing up the car. I asked her later how come he got to the car so fast. She said before she knew what was happening he was right there, waiting in the garage. If I had helped him get there, it would have taken a year and a day.

Boy, we caregivers can sure be dumb sometimes; well, at least I can be dumb. Today, after I helped him with a sponge bath of his torso (we do the rest of him tomorrow), I said, "Okay, here are your clean clothes. Put them on yourself," and I walked out of the bathroom. It took a while, but he was able to do it without me there treating him like a toddler.

Not HIS fault. I was wiliing to give him a lot of attention, and he was wallowing in it. I don't blame him. But we HAVE to learn to give them plenty of space so that they continue to do things for themselves as long as possible. Sometimes I think we exacerbate the situation and are, in some part, the cause of their rapid deterioration. At least, that is my never-to-be-humble opinion. :)
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You place him in a care home and use his home to pay for it. Or, Keep him in his home and hire professional nurses and assistants to take care of him. Don't try to shoulder the responsibility of his care, its too much for one person.
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Your feelings of guilt are familiar to many of us who have walked this path. Turning the care of a beloved parent over to strangers, however qualified they may be, is such a hard step. But it is a necessary one when you reach your breaking point. I am confined to a wheelchair and, with my husband's help, cared for my mother for two years as dementia collapsed her abilities. I cherish the time that we shared with her, caring for her. When her physical needs surpassed mine, I turned to her dedicated hospice care team for recommendations. They suggested a private care residence in a nearby city and it turned out to be a smooth transition to a home where she receives excellent care. After feeling initial pangs of guilt, I remembered what my selfless, loving mother would have wanted: Not to be a burden to her loved ones. I pray that you find the better place for your dad and the peace of mind knowing that you have been a good and faithful daughter who has done her very best to care for him.
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You're right, you simply cannot go on. Not like this. Really, you can't.

But instead of feeling you're giving up, why not try looking on it as taking a positive step? Your aim is to ensure he gets excellent care, you aren't so exhausted that you jeopardise your job, and for the icing on the cake he will also get a brand new daughter who comes to see him when she has eaten properly, slept properly, had a great week at work and has news to share about what's going on in her life. He would love to get visits from that person, don't you think? And most of all to see his daughter happy?

But never mind the end of the rainbow - you cannot continue like this, and it needs to change. Nothing to be ashamed of. All I'm saying is if you keep focused on the good things you're trying to achieve, you won't waste energy and strength on beating yourself up. Best of luck.
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Do not be ashamed . I felt the same way about my mom I simply could not do for her. She can not walk she has dementia,.i was told that we need to care for ourselves so we can make right decisions about our folks. I visit her often but she is in her own space. And seems to be happy there . Do not stress out over this. The people will take good care of your folks
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That would be a BIG hug not a BUG hug.... LOL
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It breaks my heart to see someone suffer like this and I'm not referring to your dad. You're expecting the impossible of yourself and your expectation that you can work 24 hours a day indefinitely are unrealistic. Everyone's solution is different but I highly recommend you transition your dad to professional care and get on with the buisness of living...

At my support group a couple of weeks ago a very wise man who had cared for his dad for many years shared these wise words, with the group of caregivers...

"You've got to take care of yourself and your relationships. At the end of the day, your parents will be gone and what will you be left with? " ~Wise Man

It's not being selfish. You cannot advocate and care for him if your cup is empty and you have nothing to give! That's burnout and it doesn't help him. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you a BUG hug... Listen to the wise words of the people on this forum and keep reaching out for help!
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Sorry to hear your heart break Deb. I take care of my 96 year old mother she lives in my home, sometimes it is so hard and sometimes I thank God that he gives me the strength to endure. We all have to live with what we decide, no one can tell us what to do in these situations, you will find the piece you need and you will make the right choice when you need to. You have the answer right inside you just have to reach down and find it, I believe that we need to remember when our parents leave us there is no more making the right or wrong decision. Please do what you yourself can live with when he is gone. Laugh a lot than cry
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Oh my goodness. All I can do is echo what's already been said here. I'm not great at giving advice, but perhaps talking with his physician is a good start. Also, there are social workers (county, state, perhaps) who can point you to good resources. They can help you apply for him to get Medicaid, if he hasn't already applied No one really wants to think about placing a parent in a group home situation, but sometimes there are good ones...If it is your means to find him an Assisted Living Facility, I would urge you to consider it. No, they're not perfect. But neither are we, and staff at ALFs or Nursing homes are trained to do the things that we try to do, but probably shouldn't - in my case, changing the parts on or adjusting a catheter, keeping the patient clean or just moving him (sad, but being a caregiver means that sometimes the word "patient" is the word that comes to mind to describe the guy who used to be just "Dad"), etc. Anyway, please investigate other options. If you have siblings or aunts and uncles, don't be shy about asking for their help. If they say they can help, turn over some responsibilities. If they say no then you at least know it's all on you and you can plan accordingly.
I don't know what your cultural background is, but we're often given the message that we, ourselves, must care for our elderly, but times really have changed for quite a lot of the world's cultures. Let go of the guilt. Your dad probably doesn't want you to feel this way.
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You need help bad! Your commitment is definitely there but you cannot do this job alone. When you are tired you think all sorts of "rebellious" thoughts but they are normal. I worked full time, my sister didn't and took my mom in when she got really bad. I went over there every weekend. I didn't realize how tired I was from working full time, worrying, anguishing and getting up everyday earlier, either to go to work or to care for my mom, and when she passed, I was tired for a long time. Even with hospice care and a caregiver, we got tired. It's hard work even if it is rewarding and heartwarming. If you don't take care of yourself, you will be no good to anyone.
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Debs im the same although mum is not that bad yet? The way i look at it is i know my mum better than anyone alive and i know that she wants me to be happy and live my life she being of sound mind would never want me to be so miserable and unhappy and give up my life to look after her fulltime! your dad loves you and the real dad the pre dementia dad would want you to be happy so dont feel guilty youve done everything you possibly couldve and i too will be here soon as i just cant be here 24/7 anymore its sucking the life out of me!
as ive said in previous posts my neighbours dad was looked after by his wife 24/7 WITH the full rota support of seven children nearby and STILL they couldnt cope as he was wandering around the neighbourhood at night? hes now very happy and content in a great NH nearby and his family visit everyday!
So dont feel guilty it comes to us all sadly a hard choice to make but the only option when it gets this bad!
Hugs!
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Honey, honey honey----one person cannot do everything by themselves. Do not feel ashamed & do not feel selfish. Of course you don't want to see your father put in a nursing home, but when you get to the point where your own physical health is at risk, you have to do what you have to do to maintain your own sanity. If you get sick or break down, you won't be able to take care of your father anyway.

Do you have any siblings? Perhaps you can talk to them & get some temporary help until you figure out what to do.

Who takes care of him when you're working? Is he left alone? Or is there someone there with him?

You need help. Alzheimers/dementia & stroke weakness are tough to handle on their own, but you're dealing with a combination of all of them. Try home care agencies to see if Medicare/secondary insurance will pay for any of it. Discuss it with his doctor & find out what the best avenue is to handle it. It sounds like you don't have anyone else to lean on, & that is important when you're taking care of an elderly parent.
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Please don’t feel guilty, I’m sure you did your best to take care of your dad, we all have limits to what we can handle, and caregiving is a hard job! Why don’t try to find a nursing home or care home that you think is good for your dad?
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I have read each of these posts and I empathize with your situation Deb. It does reach a point where it is time to let go. It is definitely important from a lesson I learned with my father that you want to place him in a nursing care facility that will be able to care for his needs to the end of his life. My father was first admitted to assisted living, then intermediate assisted living facility, then two nursing homes and this did get costly to pay admission fees on top of care fees over a two year period which cost us $65000 which included prescriptions. This is over what John Hancock paid for long term care which was $65000 a year. I ,too took time off of work to care for my father for two years and now I am caring for my mother to see to it that she gets three meals a day. Socialization, and handle her financial decisions, It is a full time job. I am struggling because I am attempting to include her in handling her financial work and house keeping and she is attempting to want to help, but she is feeling too sick to her stomach . I wish she would consider home care. Any suggestions What kind of work do you all do full time outside of caring for your loved one?
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Deb - My heart goes out to you. You gave it your all. I don't work at all but care for my demented Mother full time...Keeping her fed, clean and safe takes everything out of me. I don't know how anyone can do this while maintaining a full time job. Please seek help and forget the guilt. It will only make you sick. Take care of yourself and GOD bless you. You are amazing!
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^^sorry ,your dad. was thinking of my mother as I was typing this..
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Check with his primary care doctor as to what are his prospects. Once you know what likely lies ahead then you can decide what type of care he needs and he can afford. If he has limited financial assets (if you are his only asset --any a caring one), then placement in a high quality nursing home would be what to search for. Find out if he is eligible for veterans benefits (aide and attendance) or if he had a long term care policy. These programs or insurance, might make it possible for you to keep him at home, and continue to work outside the home. Sadly, most elders never get long term care insurance thinking it is "expensive" but it is a bargain once you need it. It can give the family options to nursing homes funded by Medicaid (health system for the poor).
Don't feel guilty about finding working full time and caring for a senior stroke victim--you are one person. I kept my father home but he needed me and home health aides to make it possible and to allow me to continue working for income for the household. He had a small long term care policy and that assisted as well. Still caregiving is a lonely road to walk and the caregiver does feel overwhelmed. If caregivers are not feeling overwhelmed then they are not too in touch with the situation they find themselves.

You can only do your best. Your know your dad, his likes and dislikes, try to get him the help you both need. Be persistent with the professional medical folks who are always to busy to spend time on your issue. Don't allow them to "blow you off" as you investigate in home health care programs and nursing homes and the quality. Hang in there.
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First and foremost do not feel guilty. I recently lost my mom to dementia. I brought here to live with me out of a nursing home in another state. Months went by and of course I could see her gradually get worse to the point of her getting out of hand. It was a hard decision, since I had made her the promise she could live with me until her death. My health was already bad to start with, 3 stents and part of my heart was dead from not getting blood along with other health issues. The stress of caring for my mom was taking its toll on me also. I had to face the hard fact I was no longer able to take care of her the way she needed. She needed around the clock care. The doctors were so helpful in choosing a nuring home that specialized in the type of care she needed. She stayed there for 6 months and passed away there. To this day I dont regret it. I visited her 3 or 4 times aweek. She was about an hr away. I called and talked with her every day. Stop by randomly and saw the love and care she was given. Ask yourself this question, what will happen if you get to the point you cant care for her who is going to take care of you and her. Love and yourself to get her the help she needs. God be with you both, the road is not going to get easier, but there are people that will help you and her along the way.
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Maybe you could start with Home Health care, your/his doctor can get you started with that. Home Health people gave me names of places, their opinions of the homes, etc. And I went from there. After 5 years of taking care of my husband by myself, I put him in an assisted living dementia unit. Very painful, very hard to do. I still cry. He has been there 2 months now, and alzhiemers is progressing quickly. It is still hard for me mentally, I feel guilty, but there is no possible way I could continue to care for him myself. You must start thinking about yourself.....I heard this many times, but I finally had to accept it.
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Talk to your dad's primary-care physician, who can help you get him placed immediately in the best nursing care for him. It's time to turn the care over to those who can best provide it.....and then you can visit him as often as possible and enjoy him. I cared for my dad long past the time when we might have gotten nursing help and it would tough beyond description.
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It sounds like your Dad needs 24/7 care at this point, in other words, three shifts of caregivers, people trained in how to lift someone whose had a stroke, socialization and activities to keep him mentally sharp. You can't possibly do this by yourself, even if you weren't working full time. What is there to be ashamed of? That you're not superhuman? How are you selfish? That you want not to be on call 24/7? Even doctors who do 36 hours shifts have a break room where they can sleep and get compensated for their time.

When you find the right care situation for him, whether it's a small board and care home, Memory Unit or Nursing Home, there will still be LOTS of caregiving and advocating for you to do. You just get to do it with a good night's sleep and some peace of mind. Be well, and post back.
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Toss away the guilt, no single person can do what three shifts of nurses and aides need to do. Did you feel guilty about taking him to the ER? Of course not. You should feel good about getting him proper care and saving your energy for enjoying his company instead of exhausting yourself.
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