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Hello, I discovered this forum today. My mom (62 years old) is taking care of my grandmother (89 years old). My grandmother has dementia, and I never had a relationship with her. She was an abuser, she mistreated my mom and her other children a lot, she didn't even feed them properly. My mom was on the verge of suicide when she was young because of her. Her being here in my house makes me very anxious and I feel like I can't deal with this. Even though it's not my direct responsibility, my mom suffers from her back. She can't move well and now that she is helping my grandmother, who is completely unsteady on her feet, I am the one helping her. I am 25 years old and to be honest I plan to move next year to another city where I can follow my dreams. My mother is this type of person who wants her kids to be home all the time and she is making me feel more and more that this is my responsibility too. I feel so selfish, but I need to say this: I don't want this. I just don't want it. But I care enough about my mom to go help her move my grandmother every time. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to tell her I want to go. I'm sure I'll be the bad daughter.


My question really is, is there a solution to help my mom take my grandmother to the bathroom and to get her out of the chair a little bit every time my mom needs to clean her or bathe her? Maybe some device? I want to help, but I need something so my mom can work with my grandmother alone without hurting herself. The nursing home is not an option, we don't have the resources. I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week.

L., to be honest, your mom is my daughter's age. She has chosen to take on this caregiving. In my own opinion that is a very poor choice. I have always made it clear to my own daughter that she is NEVER EVER to take on my care personally. This is, to my mind a cruel thing to expect of our children.

Any sort of caregiving problems need to be and need to remain your mother's. She is free certainly to write us with her questions.

I am thrilled to hear that you plan a move, and that it is a move out of the area in which you live. I hope that it is some distance. I hope that you make it clear now to your mother and her mother that this is your plan, and you will not alter it. I think it would be very good if you start NOW not to engage more, but to pull back more.

Your mother wishes you to stay with her and help her. That is not good mothering. It is sadly the act of someone desperate and burdening her own child in a very unhealthy manner.

Continue to pursue your dreams. Your grandmother has had her life. She should be in care so that your mother, with her own mother in care and you grown, can have quality years some of the most FREE years of her life. If she does not take that chance then these years will be wasted. That's sadly the truth. But that is NOT your problem.

I would be gently and lovingly clear with your mother that you intend now to follow your dreams and live your life. I would make it clear you hope that she will as well.
I wish you nothing but the best. Do give your mom this site for caregiving questions she may have.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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ElizabethAR37 Sep 13, 2024
Spot on!!!
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You nor your mom should be spending one penny of your own money on your grandmas care. And your grandma doesn't have to be bathed 3-4 times a week. Twice a week should be plenty and then your grandma can use the extra large body wipes for the in-between baths.
If grandma doesn't have money then she'll have to apply for Medicaid, and then she can get placed in the appropriate facility where she belongs as you nor your mom need to be caring for her at all.
Any child that was abused in any way from a parent should NEVER take on the care of that parent, and it breaks my heart how many times folks on this forum are doing just that. It's just wrong.
You are very young and deserve to have your life however you want it, and your mom deserves to have hers too, so get grandma on Medicaid and get her placed sooner than later.
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ArtistDaughter Sep 13, 2024
This exactly, what funkygrandama says.

My son and grandson lived in their own separate area of my mom's house when they needed a new place to live, partly because none of us wanted Mom to be alone, ever. We thought is was a good exchange of needs. Son and grandson did not do caregiving. I was her primary caregiver and I hired other caregivers to be there when I couldn't be. At one point my son decided he'd like to be her primary caregiver, with the help of other caregivers, so he was paid to do this job. He lasted 4 months and said it was too hard and got a different job. He was great at taking care of his grandma, but it was hard work and lonely work for him. That was absolutely fine with me, as it was not his place. I chose to take care of my mom and I'm glad I did, though it was very difficult. A huge difference between OP's mom and me is that there wasn't any abuse. We were not a perfect family, but actual abuse, never. And it seems from the question asked that the abuse continues with unreasonable demands and is actually passed on in a way to this young person by way of making them feel obligated to stay where they do not wish to stay. The question really not be how make it easier for the mom, but how to tell the mom that they are not doing this any longer. Period. And certainly not paying for the grandmother to be bathed. Grandma needs to go into care with medicaid money. This situation is what medicaid is for.
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Your Mother will not look for other solutions while YOU are her solution.

"I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week".

Your well meant actions are propping up a house of cards. Remove the money for aides, the aides stop, your Mother cannot do it alone = Grandmother gets cared for by others (NH).

Many people find themselves in this situation. You are young, can write well & explain what's going on so I have every faith you will turn this around so that your dreams are not suffocated by other people's choices.

PS change the term *selfish to *self-protective*.
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fluffy1966 Sep 19, 2024
So well said, Beatty! When this young woman bravely moves out and away, and builds her own productive life: She will see that her "help" which was well-meaning: meant that her own mother did not have to deal with the hard realities. A mother whose best interest was for her daughter: would never take the daughter's money to pay for Grandma's care. Mom would be wanting her daughter to be "on her own" and to have a good life. But OP's Mom was abused as a child and perhaps did not ever get therapy for that, so Mom's thinking is very confused, and because of the confusion, she is willing to sacrifice her daughter's future. I agree that lynsz12 writes very well, and lynsz: We see that you are smart and can do well for yourself in life. As Beatty said, protect yourself by leaving the dysfunction behind, and go make a wonderful life for yourself. Yes, you will feel guilt at first, but with a perspective that is a bit "removed" from it: You will see that your well-meaning presence and money, simply enabled your Mother to NOT be forced to deal with reality. All the best to you, young woman!
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Hello everyone. I just wanted to thank each of you for your responses. I'm actually crying as I read because some days I feel like I'm a weak person who doesn't want to get involved when family things get tough. I worry a lot about my mother, but I am not ready for this. I've had some panic attacks trying to figure out why this woman, who I grew up hearing bad stories about, is here. This situation is out of control, I have to leave my house every chance I get because of my mother's constant yelling and stress towards my grandmother, who is also making things harder for us (for example, she is uncooperative standing up from the chair and when we try to lift her she throws herself on the floor, but when someone else tries to do it, suddenly she can stand on her feet). My mother wants everything to be perfect and is always too stressed and upset when she doesn't even need to be, whatever my father and I say to calm her down. She wants to provide everything to my grandmother and make her change habits that I honestly don't think she can anymore, while stressing herself out. I don't feel like she looks for solutions. She wants us (my father and I) to decide for her when she needs something for my grandmother, and it's really not our place. Today I announced to her that I am going away for two weeks because I have some commitments in different cities and she almost died. She calmed down when she told me “ah, but you can just call the woman who helps us bathe her so she can be here with me every afternoon”. That will cost me three times more. I told her no, I won't pay for it. I just can't. She didn't say anything to me, I will keep you updated on this issue. I really want her to find her own solutions this time. She also mentioned during the conversation how hard it will be for her when I go away for a week or two next year, now that my boyfriend is moving to another city. She has no idea I'm leaving. I will announce my moving situation when I get back from the two weeks and let you all know. Thanks for your recommendations, you make me feel like I'm not crazy, that I'm actually in the right path.
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AlvaDeer Sep 14, 2024
Your mother may go balistic, but she won't die of it.
You can expect a lot of terror and acting out, but she will adapt. That isn't your responsibility. One cannot be manipulated by the actions of others. You must continue to advocate for yourself.
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Please move as soon as possible. Pursue your future without guilt. Your mother is choosing to be trapped by an abusive person, that never means you should make the same choice. Healthy mothers want their children to go out and be successful in the world. Please do so. I wish you the best
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Let Mom know your plans .

Suggest to Mom that she gets grandma on Medicaid and in a facility asap .

Then move and live your life , no matter if grandma is still home or not . Don’t delay or wait too long to move . The sooner the better.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Its better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Go live your life as you see fit, and realize your mother made her choice to care for her abusive mother with dementia. You should not be paying for any of grandma's care, either, as your mother can apply for Medicaid to have grandma placed in Skilled Nursing.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Oh dear one.A skilled facility would likely be an option through public health insurance (Medicaid) but that is your mother’s call. Absent long term care insurance, your mom has decided to continue in this toxic relationship with her mom, based on your heartfelt summary. You are entitled to live your life and may well share this with your mom so she can understand as well.
you aren’t obligated. It’s possible to get some home care help through Medicaid - an elder care lawyer could help your mom with that. You might also share this forum with her for her own sake.
Enjoy the next phase of your life. Follow your dreams. Go in peace - you’ve done more than can be fairly expected already.
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Reply to AliOJ58
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fluffy1966 Sep 19, 2024
So very well said, AliOJ58
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Lyn, it sounds like your mom was groomed at a young age to be your moms caregiver, and now your moms trying to do that unconsciously. to you. It's what your mom knows.

Id suggest, be loving and patient with your mom, but be firm and strong and break the cycle.

You deserve a life!

With that being said you sound like a loving caring daughter.

Mom should place her mom also so mom can have a life, I'm your moms age and she also deserves to have a life. I know my back would never handle the stress of lifting my mom over and over.

Thinking of you, please keep us updated on how things are going
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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lynsz12, welcome to the forum. I realize that it is your Mom's choice to take care of her own mother but I don't think she knows that 40% of family caregivers caring for someone with dementia die leaving behind the person they were caring. Those are not good odds. www.huffpost.com/entry/dying-at-home-family-caregivers_n_592738e6e4b0df34c35ab57f scroll down to "Family caregivers bear the brunt."

Hopefully the above article will have your Mom make other choices for your grandmother. Glad to see that you will be leaving. I always cringe whenever I read that a grandchild is caring for a grandparent. The grandparent had a chance to get married and raise a family and/or had a career, that chance should also be given to the grandchild.
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