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Hello, I discovered this forum today. My mom (62 years old) is taking care of my grandmother (89 years old). My grandmother has dementia, and I never had a relationship with her. She was an abuser, she mistreated my mom and her other children a lot, she didn't even feed them properly. My mom was on the verge of suicide when she was young because of her. Her being here in my house makes me very anxious and I feel like I can't deal with this. Even though it's not my direct responsibility, my mom suffers from her back. She can't move well and now that she is helping my grandmother, who is completely unsteady on her feet, I am the one helping her. I am 25 years old and to be honest I plan to move next year to another city where I can follow my dreams. My mother is this type of person who wants her kids to be home all the time and she is making me feel more and more that this is my responsibility too. I feel so selfish, but I need to say this: I don't want this. I just don't want it. But I care enough about my mom to go help her move my grandmother every time. I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm going to tell her I want to go. I'm sure I'll be the bad daughter.


My question really is, is there a solution to help my mom take my grandmother to the bathroom and to get her out of the chair a little bit every time my mom needs to clean her or bathe her? Maybe some device? I want to help, but I need something so my mom can work with my grandmother alone without hurting herself. The nursing home is not an option, we don't have the resources. I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week.

The best answer is just to get the hell out of Dodge the minute you can. Don’t look back. These people will suffocate you with their problems and they are not your problems. Take care of yourself and your future first, they can and will have to figure it out themselves.
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Reply to LakeErie
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First - do follow your dreams. Make a solid plan before you go so you have the best chance to make the dream a reality. Then plan your exit and let your mother know you love her but this is what you need to do.
Before you go, help when you can - you can feel good about that. But don’t get dragged in or guilted into doing more than your personal goals will allow. You are 25. You are supposed to have dreams and goals. Making them come true requires you to find yourself and the way to do that is get out there in life.
As for moving your grandmother, if your grandmother cannot get up easily or walk, you might consider a Hoyer lift to move her from bed to chair and back. I bought an electric one on Facebook marketplace for under $1,000. The manual ones go for $100 to $200. I use it by myself to move my mother. Not sure your mother is up to that but it is a piece of equipment that helps move a person who can’t ambulate. A hospital bed makes it easier to move, change, and give bed baths to a person who can’t move well. I hope there are finances to help her with a part time aide. Just know - you didn’t sign up for that and she will need to seek avenues is assistance beyond what you can do.
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Reply to jemfleming
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Lynsz, which country are you in? I ask because everyone says that your grandmother can apply for Medicaid, but it might not be relevant if you live elsewhere.

Most countries in Europe and North America, as well as Australia and New Zealand have welfare systems to help the very ill and elderly who don't have the means to pay for themselves. If you live in such a country, you should not be paying for your grandmother out of your own pocket. Even if the welfare care isn't as good as private, or it doesn't pay for home carers, still don't pay out of your own money!

Your mum is repeating abusive behaviour, not because she is mean and doesn't care, but because that's how she was brought up and what she is used to. It's all she knows.

So, she is being manipulative with you, which is grossly unfair.

Because her upbringing was far from perfect, she is trying to make everything perfect, despite that being unachievable.

Because she was not raised in a close and loving family, she wants to keep you close and her family together.

In doing so, she is behaving in a controlling manner and driving you away.

Your mum is falling far short of what she is striving for, and her mother continues to be horrible towards her (she will never get the acknowledgement she craves), which results in the screaming and shouting. Your mum is losing control. This will make her ill.

So, as a good daughter, you should stop propping up your mum in her attempt at playing "happy families". It's a futile attempt that will only result in unhappiness for her and her own family.

Grandmother needs to be placed in care immediately. Your mum needs to say that she can no longer cope due to her own ill health.

When you tell your mum (and dad) that you are leaving, you need to explain that you need your mum's support. You should tell her that being happy for you making your own way in life, now, will make your relationship stronger for the future.

If she makes you feel guilty, you will be less inclined to want to spend time with her, either in person or on the phone.

Personally, I would write out the best bits of advice on this forum and present it to her, afterwards, and ask her not to react until she's really thought about it. I would have said to ask your mum to read the answers here, but I'm not sure she's in the right place to accept that you asked a bunch of strangers for advice. She might be hurt, especially while she's feeling fragile.

Wishing you and your family the very best.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Start with you. Decide on what your goals in life are. Then, talk with your mom about your dreams and goals. Let mom know when you plan to move out so she isn't blindsided when "that day" comes.

Then, think about how you want to help. What tasks are hard for mom? How can you free up some of mom's time so she has "me time"? What kind of time (days and hours) can you give time to help with Gram, mom, or the home? WHat kinds of resources can you donate to this effort? Remember to make sure to take care of yourself and not give until you are impoverished.

Since Gram is having balance issues, ask mom to get her a referral to physical therapy (needs a prescription from the doctor). The therapist can evaluate Gram, do some therapy sessions to help you and mom learn exercises that help Gram's balance. The therapist can teach mom how to help Gram move from bed to chair to standing/walking. The therapist can also recommend devices that help and places to purchase those devices.
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Reply to Taarna
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lynsz12: Prayers sent.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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So sorry for this difficult situation! How kind of you to want to help your mother! There are devices to help people transfer but they probably need to be "prescribed" and one needs to learn how to use them. There are ways to learn the best transfer techniques and I think you can find that online... As for finances, I was under the impression that if someone needs a nursing home, this will be covered with any incoming money (retirement etc.) that is not in a trust. Please correct me if I'm wrong. After that, insurance or medicare Medicaid kicks in. Do you know how advanced your grandmother's dementia is? Strength to you.
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Reply to Calliesma
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Memory care…nursing home. If Grandma has no finances, she should qualify for Medicaid. Blessings to you for being loving, but you are needing to start your own career and live your 20’s that you can never get back!
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Reply to TxPonyGirl
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I don;t know about tools to help your mum, nothing really makes it easier. Surely there is some type of facility for those who cannot afford it? Looking after someone with dementia at home will always , at some point become impossible and your mum will not be able to cope. I don;t know about where you are but there must be some kind of assistance offered. Encourage your mum to look into this.
Regardless, I am more concerned about you...Here is my perspective. I always knew my dad would have a long and draining illness before death. I just knew it and was right.. boy was I right on that one.. A controlling man, he fought us tooth and nail for 3 years.
I also always knew that I would never leave my mum to deal with this alone and so never moved back to my country of birth even though it is where I belong. I stayed because I love my mum and leaving her, to me was not an option. At 25, I made this choice to stay. Please, please hear this.. I WAS WRONG.
Something at 25 you cannot know fully until you live it... Living your life to keep others happy , regardless of how much you love them is a terrible mistake.
You must go and live your own life, follow your own dreams. Please.
Do whatever you can to prepare your mum but then when you have planned to go, go. There will be a lot of guilt but that is because you care not because you should feel guilty. Your life belongs to you alone. There is so much out there for you.. go find your joy.
And side note: doesn't sound like your mum should be doing this either...
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Reply to FarFarAway
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NewlyGiving,
WTH is a score of 4 by medicaid?
I don't know what you are referring to, but it is time for you to STOP caring for your mother right now!

Just don't do it. Move, leave. Let her be on her own.
It is Not Your Responsibility to provide care to her!
Let me repeat that:
It Is Not Your Responsibility!

Let your mother figure out how to take care of her own needs. Without you!
She's a grown woman. If she has difficulty - which she probably will, that's ok.
Many of us have difficult situations in life. Like the one you find yourself in now.
But it is HER difficult situation, NOT YOURS!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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A nursing home is an option to anyone! If Grandma can't afford the cost, then she will apply for medicaid which will cover the cost after Grandma's resources are depleted.
In any case, it is not your problem! You are right to move and follow your dreams.

You say your mother wants you to be home with her all the time. This could be a holdover from her own dysfunctional relationship with her mother. She is emotionally abusing you to keep your attention focused on her. Don't let this hold you back from living your own life on your terms! Mom will get over it.
Or if she doesn't, it will be her problem to figure out.
I understand you want to help her. Help her get out of this horribly dysfunctional situation by getting Grandma placed in a nursing home! ASAP!
You can probably help with the sometimes complicated application process for medicaid assistance. Then, let it go! And go live your life!
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Your grandmother needs to be in a facility. Period. You should contribute nothing financially to her care. If you don’t have the resources, Medicaid it is.

The real thing you should be worrying about is that your mother will almost certainly expect the same thing from you in a decade or two. Make it abundantly clear early on that that is not an option.

Move to that new city as soon as possible, preferably one far away. I hear Auckland is nice this time of year.
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Reply to ZippyZee
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Lynsz12, you are not selfish. Your sad Mom is perpetuating the Generational Cycle of Abuse that caused her to feel suicidal, due to the maltreatment by your Grandmother. You are choosing a different path, and I am here to applaud you! No device, robotic or real person, can assist your mother with your grandmother. OK, I don't want this to sound horribly critical, but your Mom is misusing you right now, by physically needing your help to clean or bathe Grandmother, AND: Misusing you by taking your money for an Aide to do this. You must see this reality in the harsh light of day: You are a "character" in the Drama called Generational Abuse. Please be brave, and make the move to another city. Your Mom (if she could get some agency counseling help) could make an application for Medicaid for your grandmother but it would take some help to explain how to do the Application (and the required "spend down" in order to qualify). But truly, your Abusive grandmother is the problem of your mother. Medicaid could pay for your Grandmother's placement in a Skilled Nursing Facility and that's what needs to happen but: NOT your problem. You don't have to have "resources" in order to place Granny in a Medicaid bed facility, but your mother would need to take the ball and run with that one. Likely, you Mom night not have the courage to do that, as she herself doesn't want to be seen as the Bad Daughter. Hmmmmm. Can you see where your fear of being seen as Bad Daughter comes from? I wish you so very well, dear, and I hope that you can gain courage to move far away and build an emotionally healthy life for yourself. I pray that can happen!
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Reply to fluffy1966
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MiaMoor Sep 22, 2024
Yes, that's exactly what's driving this cycle of self-sacrifice - not wanting to be a bad daughter. Instead, it should have been not wanting to be a bad mother.

Having said that, I think that the OP's mother has been good, but she's now repeating past behaviours because she doesn't know how to be strong and stand on her own two feet. She thinks she is, but she's not.

She raised her daughter to be strong, so she will have to break the cycle and live her life on her own terms.
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She probably needs to go into a nursing home . Your mom needs to talk to your grandmas Dr and get her placed somewhere that she gets care 24 hours a day. Talk to your mom about getting your grandma on Medicade and her Dr about getting her placed . My mom is in Ohio and she needed care constantly she has dementia so the drs got her placed in a nursing home I just picked which nursing home for her to go to .
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Reply to Rose61mary
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Get out now! I'm 68 taking care of my 96yr old Dad. It's not your responsibility nor your Mom's. I personally do not let my sons get too involved unless I need help with something that needs fixing in the house. I personally have set up my Family Trust with strict instructions that IF I become incapacitated that I am to be placed in a nursing home/AL or wherever is fitting for my needs. I do not want anyone in my family to put their lives on hold to care for my old self. That's my responsibility to figure out. Which I have. I cared for my Grandmother, my mother, my husband who passed last year, and now my Dad. I'm done after this. So go now - don't wait or you'll get stuck there feeling bad for Mom. Your Mom needs to get Gramma into a facility - check with Medicaid. Maybe you can help Mom figure that out - it will help you both. Then you can go lol. My Best Wishes to You!
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fluffy1966 Sep 19, 2024
I think she needs to go before completing the task of helping her mother figure out the Medicaid application. This young woman needs to move to another city or State as soon as possible.
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lynsz12:
You should not be paying for anything. Mom needs not to pay for her mom. You need a social worker and grandma needs to get on medicaid so that she can be in a facility that can help her. Moms back is not going to get any better and the only device that will help get grandma out of the bed is a lift. So my suggestion is this next time grandma falls and goes to the hospital DO NOT LET THEM TALK YOU INTO TAKING HER HOME. Tell them it is an unsafe place, you need a social worker and you need some sort of facility even if it is a group home. You are 25 and mom is hurting do not let grandma run your life - love her yes, care for her yes, but you need to stop and know that if you continue this way you will not be moving next year! Been there done that! Hugs
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Reply to Ohwow323
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Oh dear one.A skilled facility would likely be an option through public health insurance (Medicaid) but that is your mother’s call. Absent long term care insurance, your mom has decided to continue in this toxic relationship with her mom, based on your heartfelt summary. You are entitled to live your life and may well share this with your mom so she can understand as well.
you aren’t obligated. It’s possible to get some home care help through Medicaid - an elder care lawyer could help your mom with that. You might also share this forum with her for her own sake.
Enjoy the next phase of your life. Follow your dreams. Go in peace - you’ve done more than can be fairly expected already.
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Reply to AliOJ58
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fluffy1966 Sep 19, 2024
So very well said, AliOJ58
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Mom needs to look into Medicaid and get grandmom placed. Children who have been abused should not be caring for the abusive parent. Maybe call Adult protection and ask for help. Tell them Mom can't physically keep caring for this person and you eventually will be moving. No money forv24/7 care.
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NewlyGiving Sep 19, 2024
as I read this daughter’s question I began to tear up because it sounds like my situation. 😭 I’m now POA/full time caregiver to my mom who was never much of a mother to me. I was always with my grandmother and other relatives. I’m the only child she gave birth to but have an adopted brother who lives well over 1500 miles away. Because my adult children don’t have a relationship with her I am on my own with her care. I am a legally disabled cardiac patient now caring for her. My heart medication has be tripled since March when I brought her to live in with us. I don’t expect them to help with her but I’m not properly cared for myself.

Medicaid has evaluated our case twice since June and still only scoring a “4”. We can’t afford any facility without Medicaid and they apparently don’t greatly consider the caregiver’s inability to continue. I’ve literally told them that this is killing me and I still scored a “4”. 😭
I will keep praying for God to send me a saving solution
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Thank you for responding to let us know how you’re doing. After reading more, it seems your mother was profoundly impacted by what happened between her and her mother. But that’s all the past, and shouldn’t in any way be your future. You can do everyone a favor and break the toxic cycle of stress and dysfunction. You’re far from crazy, protecting yourself is always wise
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Hello everyone. I just wanted to thank each of you for your responses. I'm actually crying as I read because some days I feel like I'm a weak person who doesn't want to get involved when family things get tough. I worry a lot about my mother, but I am not ready for this. I've had some panic attacks trying to figure out why this woman, who I grew up hearing bad stories about, is here. This situation is out of control, I have to leave my house every chance I get because of my mother's constant yelling and stress towards my grandmother, who is also making things harder for us (for example, she is uncooperative standing up from the chair and when we try to lift her she throws herself on the floor, but when someone else tries to do it, suddenly she can stand on her feet). My mother wants everything to be perfect and is always too stressed and upset when she doesn't even need to be, whatever my father and I say to calm her down. She wants to provide everything to my grandmother and make her change habits that I honestly don't think she can anymore, while stressing herself out. I don't feel like she looks for solutions. She wants us (my father and I) to decide for her when she needs something for my grandmother, and it's really not our place. Today I announced to her that I am going away for two weeks because I have some commitments in different cities and she almost died. She calmed down when she told me “ah, but you can just call the woman who helps us bathe her so she can be here with me every afternoon”. That will cost me three times more. I told her no, I won't pay for it. I just can't. She didn't say anything to me, I will keep you updated on this issue. I really want her to find her own solutions this time. She also mentioned during the conversation how hard it will be for her when I go away for a week or two next year, now that my boyfriend is moving to another city. She has no idea I'm leaving. I will announce my moving situation when I get back from the two weeks and let you all know. Thanks for your recommendations, you make me feel like I'm not crazy, that I'm actually in the right path.
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Reply to lynsz12
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AlvaDeer Sep 14, 2024
Your mother may go balistic, but she won't die of it.
You can expect a lot of terror and acting out, but she will adapt. That isn't your responsibility. One cannot be manipulated by the actions of others. You must continue to advocate for yourself.
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Please move as soon as possible. Pursue your future without guilt. Your mother is choosing to be trapped by an abusive person, that never means you should make the same choice. Healthy mothers want their children to go out and be successful in the world. Please do so. I wish you the best
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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lynsz12, welcome to the forum. I realize that it is your Mom's choice to take care of her own mother but I don't think she knows that 40% of family caregivers caring for someone with dementia die leaving behind the person they were caring. Those are not good odds. www.huffpost.com/entry/dying-at-home-family-caregivers_n_592738e6e4b0df34c35ab57f scroll down to "Family caregivers bear the brunt."

Hopefully the above article will have your Mom make other choices for your grandmother. Glad to see that you will be leaving. I always cringe whenever I read that a grandchild is caring for a grandparent. The grandparent had a chance to get married and raise a family and/or had a career, that chance should also be given to the grandchild.
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Reply to freqflyer
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Let Mom know your plans .

Suggest to Mom that she gets grandma on Medicaid and in a facility asap .

Then move and live your life , no matter if grandma is still home or not . Don’t delay or wait too long to move . The sooner the better.
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Reply to waytomisery
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Your Mother will not look for other solutions while YOU are her solution.

"I'm already paying for someone to come bathe my grandmother three or four times a week".

Your well meant actions are propping up a house of cards. Remove the money for aides, the aides stop, your Mother cannot do it alone = Grandmother gets cared for by others (NH).

Many people find themselves in this situation. You are young, can write well & explain what's going on so I have every faith you will turn this around so that your dreams are not suffocated by other people's choices.

PS change the term *selfish to *self-protective*.
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fluffy1966 Sep 19, 2024
So well said, Beatty! When this young woman bravely moves out and away, and builds her own productive life: She will see that her "help" which was well-meaning: meant that her own mother did not have to deal with the hard realities. A mother whose best interest was for her daughter: would never take the daughter's money to pay for Grandma's care. Mom would be wanting her daughter to be "on her own" and to have a good life. But OP's Mom was abused as a child and perhaps did not ever get therapy for that, so Mom's thinking is very confused, and because of the confusion, she is willing to sacrifice her daughter's future. I agree that lynsz12 writes very well, and lynsz: We see that you are smart and can do well for yourself in life. As Beatty said, protect yourself by leaving the dysfunction behind, and go make a wonderful life for yourself. Yes, you will feel guilt at first, but with a perspective that is a bit "removed" from it: You will see that your well-meaning presence and money, simply enabled your Mother to NOT be forced to deal with reality. All the best to you, young woman!
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Its better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Go live your life as you see fit, and realize your mother made her choice to care for her abusive mother with dementia. You should not be paying for any of grandma's care, either, as your mother can apply for Medicaid to have grandma placed in Skilled Nursing.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Lyn, it sounds like your mom was groomed at a young age to be your moms caregiver, and now your moms trying to do that unconsciously. to you. It's what your mom knows.

Id suggest, be loving and patient with your mom, but be firm and strong and break the cycle.

You deserve a life!

With that being said you sound like a loving caring daughter.

Mom should place her mom also so mom can have a life, I'm your moms age and she also deserves to have a life. I know my back would never handle the stress of lifting my mom over and over.

Thinking of you, please keep us updated on how things are going
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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Lynsz, I agree with the other posters on here that you are absolutely right to make plans for your own life and career, but as you asked about things that might help in transferring your grandmother from her chair to the commode, etc., you might want to help your mom look into a Hoyer lift. They can be prescribed by a doctor and rented monthly for what was for my dad on his insurance a very low fee. (Having a hospital bed that could rise and lower off the floor was also very helpful.) It was very useful and saved our backs.

Here is a YouTube link showing the use of a Hoyer lift, but if you just google or look on YouTube with the words “Hoyer lift,” you’ll find a lot of info as well:

https://youtube.com/shorts/m8I9TaTzcZg?si=apySD8T0zDRdRiyC

Best of luck to you!
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Reply to SnoopyLove
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You nor your mom should be spending one penny of your own money on your grandmas care. And your grandma doesn't have to be bathed 3-4 times a week. Twice a week should be plenty and then your grandma can use the extra large body wipes for the in-between baths.
If grandma doesn't have money then she'll have to apply for Medicaid, and then she can get placed in the appropriate facility where she belongs as you nor your mom need to be caring for her at all.
Any child that was abused in any way from a parent should NEVER take on the care of that parent, and it breaks my heart how many times folks on this forum are doing just that. It's just wrong.
You are very young and deserve to have your life however you want it, and your mom deserves to have hers too, so get grandma on Medicaid and get her placed sooner than later.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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ArtistDaughter Sep 13, 2024
This exactly, what funkygrandama says.

My son and grandson lived in their own separate area of my mom's house when they needed a new place to live, partly because none of us wanted Mom to be alone, ever. We thought is was a good exchange of needs. Son and grandson did not do caregiving. I was her primary caregiver and I hired other caregivers to be there when I couldn't be. At one point my son decided he'd like to be her primary caregiver, with the help of other caregivers, so he was paid to do this job. He lasted 4 months and said it was too hard and got a different job. He was great at taking care of his grandma, but it was hard work and lonely work for him. That was absolutely fine with me, as it was not his place. I chose to take care of my mom and I'm glad I did, though it was very difficult. A huge difference between OP's mom and me is that there wasn't any abuse. We were not a perfect family, but actual abuse, never. And it seems from the question asked that the abuse continues with unreasonable demands and is actually passed on in a way to this young person by way of making them feel obligated to stay where they do not wish to stay. The question really not be how make it easier for the mom, but how to tell the mom that they are not doing this any longer. Period. And certainly not paying for the grandmother to be bathed. Grandma needs to go into care with medicaid money. This situation is what medicaid is for.
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L., to be honest, your mom is my daughter's age. She has chosen to take on this caregiving. In my own opinion that is a very poor choice. I have always made it clear to my own daughter that she is NEVER EVER to take on my care personally. This is, to my mind a cruel thing to expect of our children.

Any sort of caregiving problems need to be and need to remain your mother's. She is free certainly to write us with her questions.

I am thrilled to hear that you plan a move, and that it is a move out of the area in which you live. I hope that it is some distance. I hope that you make it clear now to your mother and her mother that this is your plan, and you will not alter it. I think it would be very good if you start NOW not to engage more, but to pull back more.

Your mother wishes you to stay with her and help her. That is not good mothering. It is sadly the act of someone desperate and burdening her own child in a very unhealthy manner.

Continue to pursue your dreams. Your grandmother has had her life. She should be in care so that your mother, with her own mother in care and you grown, can have quality years some of the most FREE years of her life. If she does not take that chance then these years will be wasted. That's sadly the truth. But that is NOT your problem.

I would be gently and lovingly clear with your mother that you intend now to follow your dreams and live your life. I would make it clear you hope that she will as well.
I wish you nothing but the best. Do give your mom this site for caregiving questions she may have.
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ElizabethAR37 Sep 13, 2024
Spot on!!!
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