I gave mom some tiramisu today and maybe that's what caused it..I don't know. That was the only thing she ate different than other days, She had a blowout in the bathroom and for some reason, she was holding it in her hands. The door was partially open & I sensed something was wrong by the way mom was standing weirdly. The sight of her holding it up and saying"Ive to get rid of this" freaked me out and I started yelling,"omg, omg she's holding it". My awesome husband rushed over and told her to flush it and wash her hands while I was mentally puking. But I managed to clean her bedroom floor without gagging.
I know" poop parade" is to be expected as the dementia progresses and at least mom knew poop has to be in the toilet. I wanted to talk about this"incident" but my husband yelled me to shut up and leave him alone.
This was an isolated incident and mom has normal BMs.
How do I block out the horror of poop incidents and deal with such situations calmly? How do I cope with the disgust? There's no money to put her in MC/NH or hire 24/7 aides (I've vented about this in earlier posts)
What will happen is you'll get to a point where cleaning it up won't even faze you anymore. When you have to deal with it help yourself by wearing a plastic apron over your clothes, a mask, and gloves. Having these things does help.
Your mother should probably be in actual diapers now. Not pull-ups because those are useless with bowel incontinence and actually make a bigger mess.
You say you don't have money to put her into memory care or to hire in-home aides to do the dirty work. You do not need to have money for that. It isn't up to you to pay for it and you're not expected to.
Your mother's income is what pays for that. If she doesn't have enough then Medicaid will make up the difference. This is how it works.
If your husband is yelling at you to shut up and leave him alone, then it's time to look for care facility placement for mom. He doesn't want her there and likely feels guilty and ashamed of himself to say so. Believe me when I say that being the caregiver to an elderly person can destroy an otherwise good and happy marriage. Don't do that to your husband. Don't do it to yourself.
Find an appropriate facility for your mother. The one that accepts her will take care of doing her Medicaid application. As you know the facility will start collecting all of her income and if she has any assets like real estate, savings accounts, or certain kinds of life insurance policies they will have to be turned over and used to pay for part of her care in the facility she goes to.
You already say there's no money so there's nothing to lose. Find a care facility for your mother before your husband finds a new life without you.
Her husband and her are paying out of pocket so mom can have health insurance.
It takes years for this help to become available in situations like this.
They are all doing the best they can to take care of this woman that would otherwise be in India, most likely underground, because the caregivers couldn't be bothered to do what they were being paid for.
So sorry you went thru this.
I understand that, but still don't like it.
How I cope: I don't look at the poo while cleaning it. I wear multiple masks, gloves, use multiple wipes and a paper towel or two to hide the poo while I remove it. Also put a scented cream under my nose to help block the smell.
I then make sure she's washed clean & spray some air freshener into the air, as needed. I get the used disposable panty bagged up as soon as I can and remove it from the area.
I don't enjoy cleaning the poo, but it needs to be done. So, I try to look at it logically and understand the necessity of the task. She's completely bedridden, and it's just part of life now.
I find that it's actually easier and less messy to change a person laying flat on the bed then it is to try doing it in the bathroom while they're on the toilet.
Too many caregivers make it harder on themselves and the elders they're caring for by keeping them in pull-ups or disposable underwear long past the time when they should have been put into actual diapers. I've seen some bad situations happen involving portable commodes that should have been put away long before they were too.
No one wants to go into diapers. No one wants to force someone either but as caregivers we often have to do what must be done.
When the move to actual diapers has to happen, the caregiver is usually the one who has to be the 'bad guy' and force it.
I've had many clients who had to hear the ultimatum of 'either we start using the diapers or you go into a nursing home' from me because their family didn't want to do it. Or families who had to be told by me that the commodes get put away and we start using actual diapers or I will leave right now and not return. It's hard to do but you have to do it.
I never went near a client when I wasn't wearing a mask (long before any Covid rules), gloves, and a plastic apron.
Thankful for awesome husbands who are not as grossed out over this poop situation as we are! Mine totally saved my a$$ when I was literally crying when I opened my mom's laundry basket a few years ago and saw a lot of disgusting things I wish I'd never seen. He did the laundry for me and claimed that he didn't mind. Saint!.
To deal with it more calmly, maybe force yourself to walk away. Take some deep breaths, count to 10 and then go back and do what you need to do.
Does she have a dairy intolerance? My mom does and now we've finally learned after years of not being able to nail it down that it sends her to the bathroom over and over again for hours. Thankfully she has her own bathroom. No more tiramisu for her! Who knows - could have been anything and hopefully it was a totally isolated incident.
I found some suspicious things in my mom's basket again today and found 2 towels with questionable stuff on them. "Mom, is this poop?" "Umm, I think so." "Why is it on a towel in your laundry?" "I don't know" This is how most conversations go around here. I can NOT get any info out of her. I guess her dementia (working on a diagnosis) is progressing. Not fun. Not fun at all.
Regarding no money to get help or put her somewhere - my 95 MIL who has nothing but her meager social security check is in a nursing home on medicaid. So this IS an option when you can no longer handle mom at home.
People think it is but it's so not.
Wow, I hoped those guys who shoveled that out were paid well!
Maybe give your tale a week. Slowly you may learn to laugh about it. Bit of dark humour here & there I think is needed when Dementia comes to town 💩
Mom has eaten tiramisu before...maybe her digestion has weakened since then.
Have a great day, fellow caregivers
Yeah....there's more shiate that will be comin' down the road...sorry. At least keep venting here, you are not alone.
Consider that some elders develop lactose intolerance as we age.
The thought of having dirty or sticky hands still makes my ears prickle and sends me scurrying to the nearest handbasin, and I am now a proudly seasoned campaigner in the continence wars with many a technicolor experience under my belt. So I completely sympathise with your AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH - ! meltdown on this occasion.
But steel yourself, because this is really important. Your mother was desperate to conceal her waste after her toileting accident. Your (very natural! I'm not criticising!) disgust response will only exacerbate her anxiety and make her *more* likely to try to deal with such incidents secretly, with more and more disastrous results as her abilities wane and her fear waxes.
Soiling on hands is a nightmare for us, because you've got to get the hands clean or you're going to have to clean EVERYTHING in the room, but you can't get the person to co-operate until you've got rid of whatever has upset her, whether that's a full diaper or a dirty sheet or whatever. And meanwhile you have a panicking and demented frail old lady who's already upset and often tearful and you have to reassure her that this is nothing to worry about and you'll soon have her clean and comfortable. [And meanwhile all that stands between you and the deluge is a 16 micron polythene apron and a pair of vinyl gloves. Never mind, least of your worries!]
So, step one. Think how *she* feels, and let compassion lead you. Seriously. Your number one priority is to banish shame, fear, bewilderment and humiliation from her thoughts. This is a practical issue, that's all it is, and you mustn't allow her to perceive that you're having any different reaction to it. [All the same, you may find it helpful to bear unspoken in mind that nothing can happen to you that a nailbrush, hot running water, soap and disinfectant can't cure in approximately ten minutes. I know I do].
And once it's all over bar the showering (of you, that is), look for unobtrusive preventive measures. E.g. a shorter manicure; introducing support with toilet transfers to ensure she is comfortably settled and has everything she needs within reach before you leave her alone and wait outside - I suspect what happened on this particular occasion, you see, was that she began to pass the stool before she got her panties down, and what she was holding was taken either from her clothes or from having dropped onto the floor... oh boy. I hope you weren't about to have lunch!
In a perfect world, wouldn't it be nice to have those family members (and you all jus' know who I'm talking about-the finger pointers, the do it this way, the I don't have time to help you, the why aren't you doing more people) have them right there in the room as a loved one has had an epic bowel movement and have to help clean up. Might get those folks to shut up if they won't help or help since they now see what really is going on.