Hello My name is Natasha,
I'm 39 with 3 children and 2 grandsons. My 2 eldest are 21 and 17 and I have a baby of 7 months old and also have a fiance of 3 years and I currently care for my father who is now 66.
5 years ago my mother got really sick, she had been battling cancer for around 10 years. Prior to her getting worse, I took her to the hospital because I noticed she was feeling increasingly worse than usual, the hospital told me that she had suffered a stroke. To cut a long story short, she suffered multiple strokes whilst in the hospital. 5 days had passed and she could not move, talk, just nothing. So the doctors said there is nothing they can do and she probably only has a couple of months to live. I know my mother didn't want to go in a home so I quit work and took her home and cared for her 24/7. I had 4 brothers that didn't want to help, just visit and then leave. Well my mother lasted 15 months and her last 4 days of her life she slipped into a coma and then eventually slipped away to sleep. I was so exhausted so drained but so prvilliged that I was holding my mother/best friend to her last very breath, she was only 62 years young.
I thought then that I would regain some kind of life back. Before I met my partner I was single for 8 years raising my 2 girls on my own with a good job.
So after I buried my mother my dad just moved himself in to my home. I thought ok we have lost the queen of our family and you just need some time, so I didn't think much of it until he started making demands and taking over my home (changing my furniture around telling me what I should be doing and waiting for breakfast lunch and dinner to be served to him. Not to mention always making a remark when I went out either shopping or just time out for myself. My kids were starting to notice it, not to mention he always made them wait on him foot and hand. I had met my partner just before my mum passed and so we decided that we wanted to move forward with our relationship and he moved in with me. After he moved in I noticed that my father was being more demanding as in a cuppa tea or coffee every hour or a sandwich pretty much every 3 hours.
As time went on he started getting aggressive with me as I was spending more time with my partner, also he was putting me down to other family members, these members of the family would call me and tell me what he was saying and that I needed to do more for my father. My daughter got so sick of my father's negativity and controlling ways she moved out.
I continued to look after him with breakfast lunch and dinner and tried to ignore the remarks and negativity he was putting out. During this time one of my brothers came to me because he found out his wife of 20 years was unfaithful and that she left with there children to start a new life with this other man, so my brother needed a place to stay. I said yes, I was pregnant at the time. My brother was suffering from depression due to what he was going through also he was not dealing at all not seeing his kids. It was hard with him at my place because my dad would make remarks like harden up, or your a f#$king p*ssy and to top it off he said you should go hang yourself it's the best thing for you.
About 3 weeks later I went out to go buy a pram as I was due in 8 weeks at that time, so I got home and with a broken heart my brother had commit suicide he was only 42.
My father's reaction was like 'oh well everyone feel sorry for me'.
Anyway this being said I asked my dad to respect my house and my kids and partner please, well he tried to hit me with his walking stick and tried to punch me, yes while I was pregnant. He has made my life a living hell for 3 years now. He has told other family members that he is here to ruin my life and make it a living hell.
He has made my children dislike him due to his attitude and the way he treats me and my partner.
I have so much resentment towards my father. I hate my life not to mention all the health issues I have now.
Listen... he essentially killed your brother, he’s made his intentions quite clear you’re next. Ultimately if you don’t get him away, your significant other or a child will come to your defense and then someone or multiple people will get physically hurt! I don’t need to tell you you did your best, or that he’ll get worse, you already know that!
ive asked many people on here if it’s worth dying to make a miserable person comfortable. So... now why on earth would you keep a violent canker of a man sitting in your home violating your serenity and berating you and your family? It’s never gonna be enough, he’ll never be happy so GET HIM OUT NOW!!!! You need to choose right now, him or your entire life? Which one is more important, which one has a chance at happiness and love? Pretty sure if my dad hit me while I was pregnant I’d drag his ass out my home without flinching so you’ve already put up with too much. Honestly at some point you must realize YOU are doing wrong by your children by keeping him in their home... so now you’re allowing everyone to be abused!? Yes I’m sorry it’s a harsh reality but he’s a liability and you must not allow it. He is your father not your dad now, he will tear your life down to the studs and still never ever be happy! Choice is pretty clear my dear, now get him away so he can be miserable elsewhere. You and your family have a chance, he is beyond help, I’m so sad for you but give him up for the love of god please.
He is living in your home. You need now to go to a lawyer and find out exactly how to evict him OUT of your home. Give him a set amount of time, and he is gone. If you need a sheriff to remove him, then do so.
Of course if he were to assault you again it would make it so much easier. Because that is a call to the police, removal from your home, and the filing of a restraining order.
You have a primary family. They come first. Not everyone is worthy of our loving care.
It's ok to vent, but now is time for action. Otherwise, you will be and will remain a victim and I hope you don't want that.
Thank you very much for your advice, please believe me that I am working hard to change this. I need to, I am so depressed.
thankyou I really appreciate your advice
As for your father, it certainly sounds like dementia. You must protect yourself & your family by calling 911 & say he’s a danger to himself & everyone in the house. You are the kind of person who was unable to say no anytime a family member needed help or a place to stay. You even quit work! My mother has dementia...she’s 92 yo & she can get combative & starts cursing, punches & hits, bites. This is controlled with medication, One thing for sure is you cannot continue to live this way. Please let us know how you are doing. Hugs 🤗
Why does he use a walking stick? Does he have any specific health or care needs?
Your profile states that you live in North Carolina - is that correct?
Do your brothers live nearby?
Are there any cultural issues we need to be aware of? - does your family come from somewhere other than (and very different from) the USA?
I'm sorry to ask so many questions all at once! - but it's just that although there are LOTS of ways for you to get through this and be free of an unmanageable and unreasonable burden, some ways will work better for you than others; and the more we understand the more we can make practical suggestions.
You are a wonderful caretaker. You showed that the way you gave your mother love in the hardest part of her life. What you hate is being treated as a slave from someone who should be thankful for all you have done to help his life be better. I think he is sick himself an needs to be in a home. But I am not there. You still need to be a care taker. But this time for yourself and like everyone else has said, your family.
I pray for you, even tho we sometimes know the answers the process is the hardest part. Be kind to yourself.
I appreciate your kind words and especially your advice.
I am working on it and doing my best to change it only for the better.
Come back and tell us how things are working out.
I am going to do my best to change it only for the better.
I definitely will come back and let you know how it's going.
I am greatful for the advice
I really hope you haven't come here just to vent and for some tea and sympathy. If it's just your own life, well, you have that right to allow yourself to continue to be abused.
But it's NOT just yourself. You have a 17-year-old and an infant. Their safety and wellbeing is paramount. Get your father out of your house.
(Are your three remaining brothers involved at all? Do they know what is going on?)
I'm sincerely here for some advice and direction. Sorry if it appears otherwise.
My three brothers are aware of the situation but unfortunately are to consumed in what they are doing in their own life and won't help me ( one has mental illness issues and another lives in New Zealand while the other has just moved in with me after having no place to stay after his divorce.
I understand what everyone is saying and I will be doing my best to change it only for the better.
I really am trying to do only do my best.
Thankyou very much for your advice :)
You need to protect yourself, your children and your home. When he becomes abusive, physically or verbally, call 911. Have him removed from the home. Tell the authorities you fear for your safety and that of your children. He cannot come back to your home. Refuse any efforts of anyone to allow him back into your home. Pack up his things in boxes and store them. Cut ties with him and get your life and peace of mind back.