Gershun Asked June 2018
I have a question. It may have been asked before and if so I apologize.
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I'm interested to know if since your loved one who you were caring for died, have you found yourself less tolerant of anything that even resembles bad behavior towards yourself. I know that I am much more inclined to not just let things go anymore. I had a run-in with my sister yesterday and in the past it would be bothering me to the point where I would probably have phoned her and apologized even though it wasn't me who was in the wrong. Now I am just fine with it and she can jolly well apologize to me. Can anyone one there relate to this?
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Do you mean is anyone else intolerant, irritable, after caregiving?
Not sure many people want to be as honest about their shortcomings, if it is indeed a shortcoming. I think maybe it is being human.
No one has died recently, but I know that I am intolerant. On the way into Denny,'s late-night, I opened the door, not seeing two people approaching, so I held the door and waited. What followed was a steady stream of young adults.
What, was I supposed to hold the door for 15 people? I just decided to walk in, mid-stream, and thought they were rude, while they must have thought this grandma was rude.
I have always been intolerant of bad behavior.....not impressed by it at all. If that makes me judgmental, so what at this point. Sorry though.
I noticed that when I hit menopause, I became a *itch. I used to take bad treatment but, with the ending of estrogen and 'feeling' the small amount of testosterone (that all women have), anything sets me off. I don't take any ____ from anybody. I'm trying to tone it down and be calm.
Then, add caregiving of both parents (I'm an only child) and "surviving" their poor health, doctor trips, dementia, bad treatment, accusations, etc., I think we're destined to have a bad attitude (IMHO).
I feel like I'm "sitting on the fence" waiting for "the call" from the Memory Care Home (mother is 95, end stage 6 Alzheimer's), also I have no idea of my son (the heroin addict's) health and what his future (if any) holds. It's a constant state of anxiety which can cause the intolerant responses that I didn't have previously.
I think our "sewer system for bad emotional drainage" has clogged up and is backing up into our nervous system. Or maybe we're just older, tired of taking crap and don't give a care if we say our true feelings.
Send, I've had the same thing happen to me. Finally, I just stopped holding the door and let it hit the person. Plus have you ever been walking towards a group of people and they just keep walking. I was always the one who turned to the side to let them pass. Not anymore.
By the way, I'm not advocating bad behavior. Just saying that my sticking up for myself that I have never had is finally making an appearance. About time, I'd say.
I'm thinking it must be cumulative stress. I used to have a lot of tolerance for inconsiderate or rude behavior, shrugging off mistreatment and still being kind. After my father died and everything was turned upside-down, not so much. Overreacting and getting lathered up over things I used to let go; this is the new me, and I'm not sure I like her very much.
I just stop abruptly, and they actually walk right into me! Talk about being invisible!
But then if I am feeling like I need to stick up for myself then there must be a reason. I don't pick fights. If my self-preservation mechanism is finally working then maybe there is a reason for it too.
I started crying earlier in the week when the house alarm went off and I couldn't reset it -
then today, I yelled at the neighbor's gardener who was blowing their leaves and dirt in my direction - I felt like the wicked witch afterwards
In my case, I don't yell at people for no reason. But, my patience ain't what it used to be that's for sure. My sister got all offended at an e-mail I sent her and let me have it. I reread it and really couldn't see what she was offended by so I sent her one back and told her just that. In the past I would have apologized even if I thought I was in the right. I don't know. I don't think it's my job to make everyone feel vindicated. What about my vindication. All I have is myself when it comes right down to it. So, I'm going to stick up for myself. No one else is doing it.
Yes I have found myself less tolerant to people. Since the end of February I've been caregiving to my MIL and my husband. Actually I've taken care of hubby for quite a while now, but he has gotten much worse recently.
The stress makes me short tempered in certain situations. I feel the weight of the care that falls on my shoulders. It is worse since MIL was dx'd with dementia. My husband was supposed to care for his mom, the SIL was supposed to care for her mom.
I landed in the odd job of doing it all. My husband needs care and the sister thought I should be able to go and care for MIL too.
Basically I do all the care taking and members of the family descend, ... my Stepdaughter drops her dog and kids off for my to take care of and gets a motel. My SIL shows up and goes out to eat with SD.
They then tell ME how I could be doing better with MIL. And SD's husband gets upset because I don't plan on large meals to feed them when they drop by.
They want to borrow my Subaru because MIL likes to ride in it. Then want to know all the details about the caregiving for both MIL and my husband.
MIL will no longer be my responsibility in August. My husband is not getting better and the stress of now making all of the farm decisions coupled with his care make me shorter tempered.
Good thing hubby's hearing is bad!
I mutter snarky stuff under my breath and the other day I threw a hay fork because something didn't quite work.
I realized I was this way because I've been holding it all in and not letting it out.
When Stepdaughter informed me that she'd come and get my car to take her Grandma on errands today I said NO! When she said she'd drop off her dog, I said "Bring a kennel."
When SIL texted and said "BTW...you need to...blah blah blah..." I texted, "OH? No."
I am done hearing their complaints about how 'tough' it is on them. And I said so.
I also made sure that I have a few things I can do for ME. That helps a lot.
Stick up for yourself and stand your ground.
Kudos.
Yes, I am different. Not necessarily in a bad way.
All the years we spent advocating for our loved ones, now they are gone.
Should it not be natural that we, now are instinctively advocating for ourselves? Self preservation like someone mentioned above?
I agree, there are days I could lower my shield and sword a bit.
I do not appreciate bad behavior either. Is letting go of a door midstream of rude young adults bad behavior? Or letting a Neighbor know they need to point the leaf blower a different direction bad behavior? I think not! We are advocating for ourselves!
Now, operating on “High Boil” 24/7 is a different thing. I do have those days occasionally. Yesterday was one of them. I woke up in that mood.
And sometimes when we can't do it all, some folks will graciously step up to help; others do it with strings attached, most often their unwanted advice.
But I do have to compliment the people who voluntarily offered services, and helped out in major crises. The Meals on Wheels staff and a few neighbors fall in this category.
Meddlers are a different story. Sometimes there's a small benefit to stroking them and not being blunt, but other times they just interfere. Dealing with them effectively has to be planned, and sometimes rationed to keep them from meddling even more.
Once those needs are gone, it's a relief to be able to tell them to mind their own business, or say something a bit stronger. There's no longer a need to tolerate meddlers. And that's a wonderful relief.
I was comparing toleration of unwanted intervenors during caregiving, vs. tolerating difficult people at work. There's such a major difference; in the first situation, we're extending ourselves for the benefit of someone else. In the latter, it's a more basic, more personal extension, with a tangible reward every 2 weeks - the paycheck.
But seriously, turning the other cheek just gets you a bloody nose, when somebody does me wrong I might not call them out on it but I'm not going to easily forgive and forget either.
My family has always seen me as the doormat and felt they could say anything to me and it would be alright. That's just not acceptable to me anymore.
I agree, a doormat is not a good thing and holding it all in is not good either.
In which case, surely... It's not before time?
Being the Good daughter I always did what was expected of me. My Dad was strict so no climbing out windows at night. I was pretty easy going about things. Pretty much just went along with what friends wanted to do because it never bothered me. Then I went to work and saw the other side of people. Those that didn't do their jobs and got away with it, Me who did my job and was given more. Other women stabbing you in the back. Politics in the workplace...yes life. Marriage, child, divorce remarriage. A passive aggressive MIL and a SIL who tended to target me. I hate confrontation and still do. Just have learned to know the right time. Some problems with a daughter I found I was stronger than I thought. Then Mom has my disabled nephew come live with her at 80 yrs old. I ended up being responsible for getting him SSD and everything else he needs to be independent eventually. Then Mom. A caregiver I am not. But I did find that all I did for everyone made me a more confident person but it also made me an impatient one. I have no patience for a person that doesn't do their job. I get angry when intimidated. I still have some stuff to deal with for my nephew. It all comes down with I am tired. Tired of being the one who does. Tired of forms. I called agency today for nephew to get transportation help, I was told he has to have an interview maybe 3 counties away! He doesn't drive because he physically can't and they r saying he needs an interview 3 counties away, maybe! If he didn't have me how would he get there!
Yes, I don't like me some days. I need to work on a middle ground.
I just need my personal space respected. I consider things more now before agreeing with others. I used to be too agreeable. I don't need to be liked by everyone anymore. I used to need to be liked but now if someone doesn't agree with me or like me I don't care. When you come to think of it it's kind of ridiculous to think that everyone is going to like you. Just my opinion.
It has become almost impossible for me to consider going out for fun. The logistics
would be the end of me, I am sure.
Now that my cat has arrived home, I will be caring much less to explain myself to family;
become busier petting the cat; and other plans I am making.
My cat likes me.
Gershun
about 9 hours ago
We all like you too Send. And God loves you...........the most important thing right?
My answer was: Yes.
Looks silly sitting there alone, out of context.