I have checked in on my nutty almost 90 yo mom from time to time. My dad died of ALZ two years ago and she has (to be fair to her, natural) become worse since then but does nothing to help herself. My one brothers thinks my dad never had ALZ but after 60 years with a nut case his system just fried out. I am guessing he had ALZ but she exacerbated it
I can try to divide her issues into two: 1) an anxiety level that medical and mental health professionals have termed as "through the roof," "off the charts," etc. This anxiety tires everyone out as she just vents it on every one in her way. Her doctor told me she spends ten minutes with my mom and is worn out, she doesn't know how I put up with her
My mom had a pelvic fracture last year and during rehab they assigned a psychological nurse to her, who recommended her doctor prescribe a more potent medication. My mom takes (or is supposed to take) prozac, but this nurse said prozac for my mom is like trying to treat a brain tumor with two aspirin. Her doctor would not prescribe is as I think as a GP she is out of her comfort zone in the more heavy duty psych drugs, also I think was miffed a nurse tried to tell her what to do, but the final issue is she said, Karsten, what difference does it make? She won't take it anyway. And she is right. Whenever my mom gets a med she reads every word of those disclaimers and as you know they warn you of all kind of potential things that COULD happen though rarely do.
This past week a brother from out of state came in and along with another brother we tried to clear out her house of all the junk, papers, advertisements and coupons from the seventies, 50 42 gallon contractor bags of just JUNK. That was hard enough in itself, but she was around and bugged us and vented her anxiety on us so we could not even work well. By the end of the week I lost car keys two times and cursed and yelled at a waiter who made a mistake on the bill in a restaurant. I am no saint but have never done that, and just being around her just wears you out psychologically.
That is with everyone, the anxiety and hyperness.
The issue that is exhibited only with me is a demandingness, lack of appreciation and basic attitude I am her slave. I had a forced early retirement but fortunately I am financially OK so don't need a job, but she thinks I am available 7/24. She lives in an independent living facility that has a van to take you to appointments yet she refuses to use it, thinking I should take her everywhere. I guess that is my fault as I had been giving in but now am drawing the line., But then she tells me how much I must hate her, etc
I don't want to hate my mom but I am getting too. She and my dad were good parents when youngers in the sense they sacrificed financially to take us on vacations, put us in scouting, sports, good Christmases, etc. So she has done good things and I want to honor that but I really resent her.
Instead of appreciating what I do do, she just demands more and tells me how much her friends kids do for them. (they don't do nearly as much as I do, as one brother lives out of state and the other has his own issues, so it is me)
I have decided she will never change on the demanding, unappreciative, petulant bratty infant behavior. If I want to stay in her life I will have to accept that. But I can set boundaries and will.
But the high anxiety issue? I dont know what to do about that? She will not go to therapy or take drugs. I suppose I could draw boundaries there and refuse to help unless she gets therapy but she wont go Ten minutes with her wears me out, several days in a row causes me to lose weight, lose things (wondering if I have dementia myself, even though not quite sixty yet) yell at people, etc. I suppose like the selfish behavior, I could just prove to put up with it. My younger brother says I am going to crack, and he used to say that more symbolically. Now I am wondering if I really will go nuts from her.
What this does is it emotionally exhausts us. When I was a child, I used to tell her, can you please just BEAT ME UP and get it over with? So I can have some PEACE in my life instead of suffering through The Silent Treatment or the 100 other torturous techniques shes used (and still uses) to manipulate me and get her way. These women get inside our heads; they plant themselves there like a fungus that doesn't go away no matter WHAT you try to do.
So the answer lies in how to manage them. What lies need to be told so that WE can maintain OUR sanity in the midst of their continuous insanity. Thru the roof anxiety levels have been referred to as 'nervousness' in my mother for 63 years now. My father used to threaten to put me in a convent b/c I was making my mother so NERVOUS. I used to beg him, DO IT DAD! Can we leave tomorrow? It never happened, unfortunately, I had to wait until I was 18 to move out and find some freedom from the mind games.
The pain of mind games is much worse, in my opinion, than physical pain. Which is not to discount or minimize physical abuse that someone has suffered; not at ALL. Neither form of abuse is good or acceptable, but there is just something about emotional abuse that stays inside one's head and wreaks havoc in there; there's no escape, you know?
Decide right here and now that you will not 'crack' and you will not be going nuts from her. That you will read up on the subject of Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissism which I have a feeling you will find a lot to relate to: https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
I know I did. Did it fix the issues with my mother? No, of course not. But it gave me validation that what I'm feeling is due to HER mental instability and it gave me some techniques of my own to use against her. The main take away is Limited Contact if you can't/won't go No Contact. Limited Contact means YOU choose the playing field; the time, the place, the length of the visit or the phone call. That YOU hang up when the nonsense gets too great, as I do: Goodbye mother, I will speak to you at another time when you are in a better mood. That you leave her presence when the ugliness reaches too high a level. You don't deserve to be disrespected, no matter HOW hard she tries to convince you otherwise. YOUR life is just as valuable as HER life, even though she is your mother. One human life is not worth more than another human life, even when one of those lives gave birth to the other. Respect works two ways. Remove yourself from the toxic cesspool and make it a point to respect YOURSELF by doing so. Set boundaries and stick to them like glue.
And pray. I do every day, and somehow, some way, God gives me the strength to get up and do it again. Amen.
I totally understand that her gaslighting makes you question your own sanity.
I feel like a woodpecker is having a go at my very soul when I have to deal with my mom.
Boundaries are your best friend where she is concerned.
You know that she says her garbage to manipulate you, just ignore it or have some fun with it. Like telling her to call her friends wonderful kids when she needs something.
Remember, NO. It is a complete sentence.
She is impossible to spend more than 1 hr with before I am in tears or have stomped out, furious at her.
DH just sits there, as she abuses me, up down and sideways.
Since I am DIL, I have the 'luck' of simply walking away and stating in no uncertain terms our relationship is OVER. Which I finally did, 44 years too late, but the freedom of not having to even listen to her whiny voice, her constant complaints and negativity--it's worth the anger my DH feels as he thinks we're in this 'together'. When I asked him when the last time was he even SAW my mother, he had to admit it had been YEARS. Why he cannot visit his mom for 1 hr every other week is HIS problem.
It was not worth my sanity to deal with her and her hyper anxiety about EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD. I also have anxiety and she'd trigger me into a full blown panic attack.
If she cannot understand--due to dementia or if this is just 'her being her'..really, only you can make the change.
Dh has learned boundaries, but not how to deal with the intense pain of her anger after he sees her. I would tell him to cut her off completely, but that would leave 100% of the care to his sister, who does not need the grief.
If my MIL lived in a IL, she would have One visitor and one only. DH would happily never speak to her again.
So sad. People have choices to be nice/mean and all in the in betweens--it's so hard to have angry, hostile parents when you yourself are in your late 60's. Just doesn't seem fair, does it?
It sounds to me as though you still have this expectation that mom will change and acknowledge your efforts. I think that is unrealistic.
The only thing you can change is YOUR behavior and your expectations.
What if you said to yourself (or to your therapist): "my mom suffers from unspecified mental illness. I want to be available to help her, but I need to balance that need with the imperative that I need to protect my own mental health".
How would your plan to help mom look if it followed those principles?
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
If you die, would she be able to remain where she is? If no, then you need to step back and let the professionals get her into the level of care she actually needs.
Why on earth was she at her former residence while you and your bothers were cleaning it out? Because she demanded to be?
Are you able to say "no, Mom, thats not possible" to her?
I thought it was funny as many people said read the book Boundaries. I ordered that book a couple of years back and began reading it and thought, yea, yea, yea, know all that, and in a sense I do.
But to BarbinBrooklyns point, I know it but still dont do it.
And I do not expect anyone to respond but an example is today. She started talking about the van again, say ign it is not always available, you have to leave earlier than you would want to, come back later than you want to, etc. I was about to start with the her time is no more valuable than mine, in other words, trying to explain the logic
Then I backed off and decided not to do that. I simply said, if a medical or dental appointment is less than six miles (the limit of the facility van) you will take it. She said you are not going to take me anywhere? I said I did not say that. I said in the cases where it is less than six miles you will take it, other cases I can deal with (even then, if I was working I would not even be able to do that)
When she seemed to realize I was not playing games, she got almost in panic attack mode, or like Dustin HOffman got in Rainman in his weird situation
Then even I thought, couldnt I do that to make her happy? So still this huge thing in me that just enables her.
But I am holding my ground and she is freaking out. She makes things blackand white. Like I will always help her or never. I said I didnt say that I will help you in cases where you need it
What bothers me more thaneven the work of helpingher is that shewould not on her own want to make things easier for me. Like if she thought, if in some and certain times I can make things easier for Karsten by taking the van, I will, as I do not want to burden him. But she does not think that. I would want her to think that.
Her mom was a saint, never wanted to burden anyone,etc. She would have been happy to take the van. But my mom? She has no interest in making things just a bit easier for me. I never told her I would abandon her altogether.
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