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In my state where we live, I am told there is nothing I can do. I am an only child and had POA in 2019 but means nothing since mom’s husband got her to sign new one before she was formally diagnosed. Legally, this state has guardianship only, not rights of visitation. Younger, narcissist husband (who has always resented how close our family was) has mom convinced everyone is out to get him and he has told her we (our small family of me, my uncle and my son) are after her money. Ludicrous of course since we aren’t the ones who have been living off her for 30 years. She worked, he didn’t. She is not wealthy, she just has her retirement savings that she needs. We all have our own lives and don’t think that way. I send APS out periodically just to make sure she is ok since husband took her phone away and disallowed any connection with anyone. Cut off completely. I don’t have to worry about her care like many of you, but I also cannot talk to my mother in the years she has left or tell her I love her. She is very easily manipulated by her husband so he can tell her anything. I just pray she doesn’t really believe the lies I think he may tell her about us- like we don’t care about her or want to see her. A few years ago, he moved her all around in an RV, making her sell all her nice things and brought all family photos to me- all her memories. He has a screw loose and has threatened me with a restraining order if I try to go see her, and she has told the APS that she doesn’t want to see me. I have no connection. He cut off both of their phones, emails so no communication at all for 2 years. The laws are antiquated and wrong to give this much power to truly evil people out for their own gain. I would love to see the laws changed regarding elder visitation. Anyone have advice or similar stories?

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She picked him. She's been willingly married to him for 30 years. Even before her dementia, she chose to stay with him and accepted his treatment of her. She chose to believe his lies. She didn't reach out for help or run away to a shelter. Why is her husband the only bad guy in this?

I'm sorry about how this is playing out and the pain it is causing you and your family, but please remember she had every opportunity to chose something different, and did not.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 2023
@Geaton

You don't know what the mother's story is or why she stuck around in her marriage.

There are many women who stay in abusive marriages because they are afraid of being on their own. They are afraid and apprehensive about going to a "shelter". Do you have any clue what these kinds of places are like?

Also factor in that many times a wife is financially dependent on their husband. So that reduces their options too. Or there are children involved. Or the person is so broken mentally by so many years of abuse that it has become normalized to them and is just regular life.

There are many reasons why people stay in such situations, so don't judge her for not running away to a shelter.

And yes, the husband is the only bad guy in this situation.
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You said here that your state has “guardianship of your mother and not rights of visitation”. If I were you, and since your mother’s husband is preventing you from seeing your mother, I would visit your mother’s neighbors and ask them if they have any knowledge as to what’s going on with your mother and if she is getting proper care. Do some snooping around and perhaps you will get the answers that you need to know about your mother as neighbors do observe activities whether good or bad. If you hear anything negative about your mother’s care from the neighbors, you can take the husband to court to try to get custody of your mother but you will need to have solid proof of any mistreatment of your mother.

Hoping for you to find a solution to this problem.
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Since you have APS involved and you checked the laws of your state I don't see a thing you can do except ATTEMPT to calm the lion at the gate, to tell him you would love to see your Mom, would visit her with ONLY you and with him present during visit. He apparently is taking care of her. I would do all I could to help, I would offer help, offer him respite. I would do anything to get myself in the house including cooking and housekeeping for a week. I would throw myself upon his mercy, ask no questions, and simply offer help. Last ditch effort and likely won't help. This is a great tragedy and again I am so sorry.
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JustineL Sep 2023
Thank you for your answer. I live in a different city- he moved her far enough away that it isn’t easy for me to go by. I have a job and a life (new grandchildren- the future) that demands a lot of my time, which I need to focus on. Leaves so little time to fight the injustices in the world and go where I’m not wanted anymore and maybe not needed. I still think every state needs visitation laws for the elderly. I don’t like feeling helpless. One person or entity should not have all the power, allowing vindictiveness or greed of the husband to be the only reasons I cannot see my mother. You are right about last ditch effort being to send him a letter asking for a supervised visit, but not alone with him. I know I should leave it alone. The more I learn about life and human behavior- the less I know.
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Justine, I also will ask you this - and I am not trying to add to your pain or to be snarky - if your mom is as dysfunctional as you say she is, where she "needs" to stay with this man you say is abusive and controlling, just how much do you want to insert yourself into her life? If she is refusing to leave, I would imagine when in the past when you have tried to convince her she would be better off without him, she lashed out at you and told you that "he's not so bad", "you don't know what you're talking about" and to "mind your own business". Am I right? No need to answer me directly, just be honest with yourself.

You say you live a distance, and you have grandchildren you want to focus on. A situation like this, that seems to be co-dependent, can suck you into it like quicksand and leave you with nothing left, emotionally, to take care of yourself, your spouse, your kids and grandkids. We have seen this sort of scenario here in this forum over and over again.

You say you have contacted APS and they have told you she is fine - or at least so fine as to not trigger their intervention. If she doesn't want to be saved, if she doesn't believe she NEEDS to be saved, then you are only adding to your already great grief in this by hopelessly obsessing about this. I understand it's your mom and you love her - that much is evident - but if you have done all you can and she refuses any help, then I'm afraid there's nothing more you can do. I know it sucks, and I'm sorry for it. Hopefully she will have a change of heart and look to re-establish communication with you. But I'm afraid, insofar as the legal system is concerned, everyone's hands are tied, because as far as they are concerned, mom is able to make her own decisions, as bad as they may be.

I am so sorry you have to go through this.
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JustineL Sep 2023
Well, mom would acknowledge that her husband was wrong at times, and would never tell me to mind my own business. She knew I was always concerned because I loved her. She just wasn’t strong enough to call it quits, and got too old to put him in his place when he stepped over the line. As my husband and son remind me, her husband was always anti family, (does not have good wishes for others and is a narcissist) which is why no one likes him, and why I consider him dangerous and calculating. I think in a weird way, maybe he only loves her in this world and no one else, if he is capable of love. But possessiveness is not love. Anyway, you are right in much of what you have said. It’s just unfortunate that there are people out there who want to kill love between family members for their own selfish gain, when they could use their influence for good. I hope you are right that she has deluded herself into thinking that she is happy like this- at least it seems he is taking care of her physical needs somewhat and she is not in a bad facility- yet. Ok, I’ve spent too much time on this. Thank you for your kindness
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That is horrible! I feel terrible for you. Your mother has been not only manipulated, but has been a victim of criminal activity by this “man” who is disguised as a “husband “ . I would see an elder law attorney to see what can be done for your mother & to protect her assets…to make sure he doesn’t take any more advantage of her…& see if she can recover whatever $$$$ he stole from her. He is abusing her financially & mentally. He probably smooth talked her at one time…but you are smart enough to realize what he really is! I’m not going to beat you up for not doing enough to stop this thief in his tracks in the past…I don’t know whole story probably…but you must act more legally to protect your mother. This situation almost seems like a kidnapping. It’s just awful. 😢. Hugs 🤗
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I am so sorry for your loss. It’s bad enough she has this disease, someone is actually taking advantage of it. He chewed off more than he can handle. Taking care of someone with this disease is extremely difficult sometimes. She probably needs more care than he can give..and now tag he is it.
does he have any family? Siblings, kids, cousins? Msybe reach out to them.
Has he ever been convicted of any crimes?
It’s too bad you can’t go to court and demand visitation rights.
Prayers are with you… take. Care
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JustineL Sep 2023
I appreciate your reply. You are spot on to ask if he has been convicted of crimes. He spent a couple of years in prison for selling drugs, and when he got out is when he met my mother. He showed disdain for me right away. I was in college, came home for Christmas break and he was living in our house (30+ years ago). I moved out and he took over. I got married and moved 2000 miles away but moved back.
Through it all, I can’t think of any period of time where mom and I did not talk at least once a day.
You are right about the care- he has no family- both parents dead now and he cut off his brother and all family/ friends of his and my mother’s. So he’s it. I disagreed with him on the way he was doing/ not doing things for mom. Two or more years ago mom called me because she thought her husband had had a stroke. She was scared. I tried to help and he became evasive and hostile and said they were moving again. I called the APS to go over, naively thinking they could make him rethink moving away from me. I told them about his past, they sent the police instead of a social worker, and now he hates me forever. He doesn’t trust anyone, never has. He never had kids or was married before my mom, so any understanding of the bond between my mom and me completely eludes him. There is something missing in him…this is kind of therapy to tell it all- but I think nothing can be done. We miss my beautiful, fun loving mom before she has died- I know people on this forum understand that with dementia. But there are good days and bad days as the brain goes, and I wish I could be around for any of her days- good or bad.
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Even though he is her husband many states have laws against preventing elderly people from seeing others and isolating them.

I would advise you to see an attorney specializing in Elder Law right away and give a call to her state's Ombudsman's office. They will be able to put you in the right direction about who can be of service to you.

You could always petition the court for emergency conservatorship/guardianship of your mother. If her freeloader husband is keeping her isolated from her family. People have been awarded these kinds of petitions for exactly this reason.

Try to have a serious talk with her husband. His reason for isolating her may be because he fears she will be put into care and there goes his source of financial support.
His behavior is common among lazy freeloaders who live off of their spouses or families. To make sure the status quo does not change.

If it could be possible to reassure him that he's "in charge" and you're not trying to get any money or anything, he may be open to you visiting.

File the petition for emergency conservatorship/guardianship anyway. You are her daughter and important too.
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JustineL Sep 2023
I appreciate your responses. You were spot on about some women being afraid to be alone. Mom used to have more awareness and could handle things, but years of working in a high level career and age took their toll, making my mom less resistant to her husband’s brainwashing and breaking her down. I suspect that a study of this man would be a study in how to control someone’s mind slowly over years, getting her to believe first one absurdity, then another- move them into an RV, constantly moving to remote places to isolate, tell them demeaning things about themselves over and over…the list goes on.
Your suggestions are good ones, and I wrote him a letter at the beginning-don’t know if he got it. He is NOT a reasonable person and he knows he is in complete control now, (crazy but not stupid, does his research) so has no reason to let me see my mom.
I have spoken to 4 different attorneys who all say I wouldn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell to get guardianship when the spouse is in control and it would cost several thousands of dollars to even try. Texas law- what a sorry excuse for elder laws. These laws serve more to protect evildoers than the innocent. If anyone knows different, I would love to know about it.
The APS case worker that went to check on mom said how “good “ she looks- they won’t do anything unless it is repeated, obvious abuse/neglect or if the elder person says they want to talk to their family. She has already been conditioned to say she has “cut us off”.
Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment in wanting to see my mom again and should be more determined to leave it alone. I do ok but am not rich enough to let the lawyers eat up my savings just not to find justice in the end. It all comes back around to the fact that she can’t be without her abuser. Dementia doesn’t want change. I can only imagine how she must have mourned when he told her we didn’t want to see her anymore. She never wanted to be estranged from me and would call me all the time when allowed a phone. This is so messed up.
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Check this out:
https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/consumer-protection/seniors-and-elderly/senior-rights

Many states have similar laws. If you are in a different state, look up their laws. In some states, volunteer organizations help seniors with legal problems.

This one is in Florida: Seniors vs Crime, a non-profit organization of senior volunteers working to right civil wrongs for Florida seniors and to educate seniors about scam, consumer fraud, con games and other criminal acts. Seniors v Crime is a special project of the Florida Attorney General.
Contact Information: 1-800-203-3099

The following branch is in Ocala. There are others around the state: https://www.ocalapd.gov/resources/victim-services/senior-vs-crime
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I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I am just curious, what changed in 2019 that caused mom to transfer POA from you to her current husband? If they were married for 30 years, I would assume that the original POA was set up at some point after they married and named you as POA. A few more details about this relationship between them and you might help us give you better advice.

30 years is a long time to be married. I don't know how easy it would be for you to get guardianship of mom, unless you have ironclad proof of abuse.

As galling as it might be, if you want to have contact with mom, you might have to play nice with him in order for him to allow you to see or talk to mom. You can petition the court for visits, but I don't know how costly that might be for you, and if you would have a decent enough chance of winning that would make the cost worth it. You would probably need to seek guidance from a lawyer in either case.

I hope you can get to see or talk to mom really soon.
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You asked a similar question in January 2023.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/is-anyone-here-from-texas-anyone-have-a-mom-with-dementia-whose-husband-has-cut-mom-off-from-the-fam-478948.htm

You only got 2 responses and then post got lost in the jumble. If APS is involved, I don't know what more we can say. If Mom says she does not want to see u. Not much anyone can do. I would ask them next time u send them out to evaluate her and ask him to leave tge room. Also, ask her questions when he is out of the room. But if he is taking good care of her and the home is presentable, then APS can do nothing.
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