I've tried to be a good granddaughter. I was raised to respect my elders and look the other way when they get insulting. Growing up, my grandmother was always critical. As I grew up, I tried to bond more with her over stuff like makeup and change the relationship. She is verbally and emotionally abusive. She lives in good senior housing, has free Medicaid and Medicare, Section 8, food stamps, and a subsidized $3 cell phone plan from the state. She thinks we owe her. She tells me that my father was a loser back in the old country, and that my mom ruined her life by marrying him. She said she wouldn't help us when we were little when my mom asked because it was my "loser" father's job to support us. Now, she gets SSI and after rent, she still has some money she can save. But she likes good stuff. If I come over and she sees a nice purse, she asks me why I didn't buy her one as well, and then calls me selfish and tells me I think of no one but myself. Her stipend allows her to buy herself purses, just not brand name ones. When she saw my scarf collection in college, she says it was selfish for me not to give her one. If she sees that I have nice clothing, she says you must be making money, why aren't you buying stuff for your grandmother? This is unusual for my culture, as grandparents pride themselves on successful grandchildren and never ask for money. She tells me that it's a shame that my parents spent so much money on an Ivy League education and that I wasted it to go work a minimum job afterward. (I graduated after the recession, and did what I had to do to survive while she was busy living off of state benefits and badgering my mom for money to buy her nice things.) She told me that I screwed up my career back then, and I'll be lucky if I get a minimum wage job now. (In spite of the professional jobs I've held since). She insults me less if I bring gifts. I've had some expenses of my own come up. I remember I once didn't have much money I didn't get a haircut in over a year because I had to spend money on other stuff. Yet I managed to buy her a $70 steamer for her birthday, but she called to criticize me because I forgot to include a birthday card with the gift and that it came before her birthday. Lately, when I visit, I'll buy her some wine, or some candy, or something, because then she'll praise me. And she won't insult me. And I am ashamed of this. I know that I don't have extra money to spend. But I feel like I have to visit her at least once a week. And I can't take the insults anymore. I feel like I am such a failure. I feel like I screwed up the educational opportunity my parents gave me. I feel like I'll never get a good job. I feel like I am not worthy of respect because of the "mistakes" I made in undergrad, and that is the shame that I need to live with for the rest of my life. I feel like no matter what I do, I will never make up for having to take a minimum wage job to make ends meet after the Recession. I feel like it is a shame that will always be used against me. And that if someone insults me, I don't deserve to speak up, because after all, I worked a minimum wage job after undergrad. I ask my grandmother to stop insulting me, and she reminds me that I am a failure by taking a minimum wage job after undergrad. I don't spoil myself. I don't buy wine or candy or nice purses for myself. The one nice one I have was a gift from friends and I have a non-brand name one I've kept it good condition. Every time, I leave my grandmother's apartment, I feel like such an utter failure and "want to crawl into a hole and die" as the expression goes. I buy her stuff and try to do good things for her not because I want to, but because I can't take any more blows to my self-esteem and self-confidence and think it's better to just pay her to be nice. But nothing is ever good enough. You buy her one thing, she wants something else. I feel like I'm being selfish or doing something wrong if I put money in savings instead of her
Your grandmother is mentally ill. Also abusive, selfish, inconsiderate and not deserving of your love or respect.
Can you find a therapist to work with you on regaining your self-respect? You are not responsible for gma's happiness, she needs to find that within herself. It may be too late for her to do that.
It's not too late for you, though. I suspect that you end up in low paying jobs because you feel that's all you're worth. After a lifetime of this soul-crushing treatment by gma, it's no wonder.
In your shoes, I'd take a 4 week break from gma. Stop anwering her calls and visiting. And find a therapist.
As long as you don't live with her - you have freedom. Enjoy your life. It's not required for her to be in it if she treats you badly.
Sounds to me like she has plenty of assistance. Much more than millions of other elderly people. She has an affordable place to live, health care, and an income. Time to focus on you!
I've worked many years - my entire career in Human Resources heading up departments - and I can tell you first hand that the way you are feeling about yourself is completely wrong. Congratulations on having an Ivy League education - that is Absolutely Amazing and truly Impressive - it shows just how extremely competent and intelligent you are - and resourceful for accepting any type job during a recession - when jobs are pretty impossible to come by! Also, even if you didn't graduate during a recession and opportunities were plentiful, it's still usual for a recent grad to begin entree level in most companies - and that's doing whatever it takes to get into a company - doing the grunt work! ...whether it's starting as an Assistant, Receptionist getting coffee for everyone...Administrative work, Retail job...the list goes on and on. The fact that you are just getting experience is exactly where you should be and the rest will follow later - there are no road maps to a perfect career - there's a lot of twists and turns along the way - sometimes even taking a step back in a company to get more experience so that you can later get to a higher level.
If I think of how many times I had to stop and pivot and restart in a new company and start all over again and many times along the way unsure of how I'd get to where I wanted to be - it's all part of gaining more experience, growing, continuing to persevere and never giving up...and eventually thriving! And it takes time.
You have everything going for yourself - very few out there have your education - and you are doing a complete disservice to yourself by bringing yourself down with any self-doubt, self criticism and blaming yourself for not being farther along in your career - all of that will destroy you - seriously. You need to be your own best friend - your best advocate - know your self-worth - acknowledge and remind yourself of your positive attributes and what you have to offer.
I can assure you that if you continue feeling negative about yourself, you will create your own negative destiny. You need to switch your mindset around as quickly as you can - and it takes time.
Regarding your grandmother - seriously, you owe someone like that nothing. If she cannot accept you just as a granddaughter - rather than a bank, then please back away from her. That's not being a grandmother. Rather than just walking away from her, if you need to first have a conversation to tell her that you do not have money to provide to her - you are just starting out and are trying to find your own way - and all that you can provide to her is love and some company - but if that's not enough, then there is no relationship and it's best not to spend time together. And please tell her that you cannot hear any insults or criticisms either - it's too hurtful and you need to take care of yourself and it's effected your self esteem.
Your grandmother sounds horrible and I hope you can take a step back and take time off from being around her - and solely focus on yourself and rebuilding your self esteem and self confidence. You have your whole life ahead of you and being around toxic people will only keep you down.
I wish you a great future and a wonderful career ahead - how ever long it takes to get there - there are no time schedules - enjoy the journey - and don't be hard on yourself ...treat yourself well - keep a positive mindset - and you'll be surprised how many successes you'll find along the way!! :-)
And guess what? I give you permission to STOP encouraging grandma in these sick and twisted behaviors.
Not ONE person on here is going to say, "oh keep on feeding that tiger..keep on putting her ungrateful self first" we're ALL going to say you 'asked and answered' your own dilemma.
Put yourself first. Do or don't do for gma whatever YOU want.
Yes. she can easily outlive you. Mid 70's? And this has been going on how long??
You don't need us to tell you your days of slavery are done. You know they are. walk away. Don't look back. Ignore the calls or whatever she uses to contact you.
I speak from experience. I didn't step away from my toxic MIL until it was far too late to repair all the damage she did.
Take care of YOU!!
((Hugs!))
You deserve a life of love and happiness, so go about creating one! Know that ANY paying job you have is an honorable job, even if it's cleaning toilets. Your grandmother is one fine specimen to be talking about how much money you are NOT making while she's sucking on the government's tit and demanding freebies from others. Self respect isn't found from the hang tag on a purse or from how many dinners one can beg off of another person who can't afford them; it comes from loving yourself and not accepting abuse from anyone because you don't deserve it. Know when to say ENOUGH and when to walk away. NOW is that time.
Good luck moving on with your life.
You will get a better job & it’s admirable that you took a job instead of welfare. Hold your head high. Go for therapy to talk it out.
Grandma may have some dementia..or she may have always been mean. She could be jealous of you.
I would spend time on people who appreciate you instead.
You’re amazing & don’t let anyone tear you down.
HUGS 🤗
When someone wears down ur self esteem, thats when you break off that relationship. A lot of us go thru hard times. I respect the person that takes any job they can to make ends meet. Why is what this person thinks of you so important to you? Did she raise you? Where are ur parents?
Cut off communication for a few days. If she calls, tell her that you will not be seeing her for a while, if ever. That her criticism of everything u do and expecting more from you than you can financially give is has worn u down. You need time to re-evaluate yourself and see if she will remain in ur life or not then hang up. If she doesn't call, then let it go. Block her and get on with ur life.
Let me say this about grandma. She is no dummy. She has learned how to work the system and seems to be doing well. The State will always take care of her. If the time comes she needs more care, the State will take over and become her guardian. She will be placed in a NH where she will get the care she needs. Will she like that, probably no. But this is what happens to people who allow the State to provide their care. The State makes the decisions. So don't worry about grandma. She will be OK. She may not like where her life ends up, but that is her problem. Time for you to do for you. Find people who make you smile.
I am not saying this is everyone on public assistance. There are people who really need it but with the job I had, I also saw those who learned to work the system and felt entitled to do so. Felt entitled while people like me were paying taxes so these people got what they needed to live.
Your post reveals no prior relationship with this woman. Even if there was an emotional relationship, there doesn't seem to be one now.
And like you said, she's doing pretty well being subsidized by the government, correct? You don't have to be in line to be her POA. Can you imagine being called all the time by hosps pressuring you as to what to do with grandma? Pressuring you to take her home?
No, you don't have to inherit this. Nor in fact is there anything to inherit here. Nor is there or was there a "parent-child" bond.
Get busy doing something else on weekends besides visiting grandma.
You
You cannot change the past, but you can PLAN a better future.
If you visit grandma, tell her you will leave if she critizes anything or if she requests anything….. then do it.
EVERY TIME.
If you call or she calls ( there is a “block” function on my phone) and she starts, hang up.
She will try to explain herself… leave.
I am 77 and people still try that on me. It is not an age thing and it is not dementia ( maybe unless it started late in life or after brain injury). It is a personality type.
I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to give my mother the "benefit of the doubt". That she might change a little....she's a diagnosable narcissist. As is typical she is just getting increasingly worse with age.
She's in her 50s but she is abusing her mother and being a terrible human. She lies, schemes, and manipulates others. It's crazy she is so unsuccessful so she's sucking the life from my grandmother. And ironically she is being manipulated by her crazy sister. Eyes wide open, and I got help. Realised I could not help my mom get better. I was drowning and bringing MY family down with me. No energy left for my kids and husband anymore.
So I had to cut off contact. Only reason I worry about it is because of her abusing my grandma. But otherwise; good riddens. Occasionally feel a passing wave of guilt for not trying more. But it wastes so much time I could be putting my best into others that need me and bettering myself.
You need to take care of you or you can't have your own life. Idk if you want a family but having toxic relatives will make that difficult to do on a healthy level as well. The toxicity spreads like disease until you leave it behind. Best of luck to you.