Jengem55 Asked January 9, 2024
I once enjoyed spending time with my elderly mom but since my dad's passing, all my mom watches on YouTube are religious programs & politics.
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My dad passed away from COVID three years ago on January 7th. Although I believe in God, I'm not religious to where I watch religious programs. Everytime I visit my mom, we are watching the same thing over and over again. I stress always before coming over. If I go to visit her, she puts on religious programs or any program or show, she tells me I have to watch. When she visits me, she puts the TV on religious or other programs and expects me to watch it here too. I don't know what to do. I am a 55 year old lady.
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Easy peasy to get fleeced of one’s entire life’s savings in a few weeks.
As soon as she came to my house, she put my TV on YouTube and was looking for a specific religious program or devotional for me to watch. She explained it was like the sermon was intended for me. She couldn't find it because she did not know the name of the sermon.
She was surfing all of the YouTube religious sermons one by one. I was going nuts. My mom and brother came over around 3:30 pm. It was almost 10:30 at at night, and they were still at my house. I got on my phone. Was getting so anxious. I had suggested to watch a movie, again.
But it didn't happen. Mom got the hint that I was bored.
Today, I came over to my mom's to make some chicken empanadas for my son's birthday on Friday. She helps me a lot. She boiled and seasoned the chicken for me so all I had to do was put the meat in the empanada disks.
She put you YouTube again and said I had to watch a video of scary rides. Ugh. After this, I suggested to watch a movie and her response is that there is nothing to watch. I asked her to watch a movie with me on YouTube, but I think she needs to have a subscription. There goes that.
I asked her if she wanted to go to the movies with me on Saturday because I will be staying with my mom on Friday night, reluctantly. My son who lives with me asked if he can have the apt to himself to be with his girl on his birthday.
My son moved back with me because his marriage did not work out. I agreed to let him have the place to himself but I am dreading to be with my mom all morning, afternoon, and night on Saturday. It's sad. It was never like this I loved staying with my parents. That is until my dad passed away. The temperatures on Saturday will be frigid and I'm a very sick lady. But I will go to the movie with mom or alone so long as I don't have to sit to watch her programs all day. I just can't do it anymore. It's been more than 3 years of this. I don't know if you guys have ever seen the movie "Bedazzled" with Brenden Frasier. But there is a scene where the actress who played his girlfriend was fed up with his crying over the sunset constantly, and his overbearing ways ways. She was overwhelmed. I feel just like her. I know Im rambling on and don't make any sense. Sorry guys.
Your mom knows that you love her. You don’t have to prove anything to her.
Showing someone that you love them doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice everything for them.
You have to believe that you are worthy of showing love to yourself. You have your own issues to deal with. You have serious health concerns.
Your mom needs to understand that you have your own needs and interests. A good relationship means that both parties are satisfied. Yes, you can support your mom. She should also support you. It looks like this has been a one way street. You have done all of the supporting.
We can unintentionally teach someone to depend upon us for too long because we feel like we should. I made this mistake with my mom and I am sorry that I did because in the long run it really isn’t helping either person. We become miserable and we prevent them from growing.
I was fortunate to find a terrific therapist. He was a no nonsense guy who didn’t pull any punches. He helped me see things more clearly.
The good news is that we can learn from our mistakes and pass our experiences onto others and hopefully they will learn from it too.
You need to consider doing what YOU want to do. Risk the meltdown. Leave M to think about it after you leave. Let her reconsider whether she is in charge of what you do, and what you are supposed to like. Be blunt. Tell her what you told us: “I once enjoyed spending time with you” but now you don’t. You have grieved for your Dad for 3 years, but you can't keep on doing it for the rest of your life. She didn't start grieving when she was 55. You need to have new things to enjoy, including happier time with her.
If you let her get fixed in thinking that her ideas should govern YOU, it is not a good sign for your willingness for longer caregiving. For both your sakes, think again.
Since she died, there are so many things I wished I had asked her.
Try to get her to talk about your dad, where they went on dates, how he proposed. What was his mom like? Get her to talking and gradually turn the t.v. volume down. I bet it's on full volume. :)
I encourage you to talk to your mom about her depression and attending some senior center programs for YOU to relieve some of your concerns about her. You may find she enjoys them after a few sessions. Likewise, I would encourage you to find some activities you enjoy - maybe with your grandchildren. I still have an original wii (almost 20 years old) and play baseball and target shooting games with the younger kids. There's a toy story targeting game (thoring balls at objects to knock them over) for my firetv that my grand-nephew stills enjoys, as well as tetris. You can purchase the refurbished game systems or firetvs for about $20 at times; I have seen them at yard sales for as little as $5 - don't know if NYC has the same resale options we have here in the somewhat rural south). The kids have more elaborate game systems but they still like playing some of the oldies with the old lady (me).
You are NOT going to convince a committed Christian (or a committed naturopath fan, as in another thread) that you disagree or that you don’t want to be converted – at least not by talking. However actions really can speak louder than words.
I don't know why in the world I didn't think of that, Margaret.
Then, if she sees Mom turning to her, and her lips moving, she can remove the earplugs.
My mother watched The Young and The Restless soap opera in her room on a daily basis. I didn’t care to watch it with her but I respected that she loved it.
I did giggle when she would tell my brother who married four times that he was like one of the actors in her soap opera!
My mother was a very fashionable woman. She had exquisite taste in clothing and she enjoyed seeing the fashionable clothes that the actors wore.
If I walked into mom’s room and she made a comment about the clothes, I would agree that the outfit was pretty. Otherwise, I wasn’t paying attention to the story line. She knew that I wasn’t a fan of the show.
Just tell your mom that you don’t want to watch those tv shows. Explain to her that she can watch her religious shows all she wants whenever you aren’t around.
I was glad that my mom found comfort in saying the rosary or watching Mass on television.
Your mom is free to be herself when you aren’t there and you are free to be yourself. You don’t have to follow her ways.
It is sad that your mom has these expectations from you. I’m sorry.
I worked with a woman who told me that her mom insisted that she call or visit her daily and that she was going to do the same thing when her daughter was grown.
My coworker said that I should tell my daughters to call or visit me daily when they grow up. I told her that I had absolutely no interest in being a dictator to my children when they were grown.
I also said that I was here if my children need me but that I didn’t want to tell them how to live their lives. That’s a sure fire way of chasing them away.
Your mom doesn’t realize that her behavior is chasing you away because of her behavior. I wonder what her relationship was with her mom. So often we either follow patterns or we break the cycle and think for ourselves.
I wanted to be there for my mom but I knew deep down, my dad was going to leave this earth to be with God. My dad passed away on January 7, three years ago. It was such a difficult time for us all. My mom and dad were married for almost 53 years. I stayed with my mom for about 2 weeks after my dad's passing, but I was losing my mind. I was sleep deprived, overwhelmed, anxious, and in immense pain over the loss of my dad. I had to go back home. I was emotionally and physically spent. My mom continued to watch religious programs back to back. I know it's her comfort. At the time, I worked from home while my brother who lives with her had to physically be at his job. So, I would come, bring my laptop every day to my moms around 11:30 am. I stayed with her until my brother came home at 6:30 and I would then go home. I did this for 5 months. There were times my mom complained I came too late she wanted me there before 11:30. Around, May 2021, I was called to come back to work and as sad as this sounds, I was so happy to return. It was a break. I'm a very sick woman. I have a younger brother brother and he barely sees my mom. I am my mom's proxy. I don't know what the future holds for me when it comes to my health but I don't think this situation helps me. If anything, it will make my conditions worse.
I raised my daughters to be independent. I appreciate that they speak their own mind. I really do.
I am not the least bit offended if they don’t share my opinion on something or if they have different tastes.
They are young. I don’t expect their tastes to be identical to mine. I want them to be true to themselves.
Perhaps your mom doesn’t want you to have your own opinions. Instead she expects you to be like her. I don’t know her, so I won’t speak for her. I just want you to know that you’re entitled to have your own opinions in life.
I would expect my daughters to get up and walk out if I tried to dictate what they should or shouldn’t do. They aren’t puppets on a string.
They love me and care about me. I love them dearly but we think for ourselves. Everyone respects each other and gets along. If we need to agree to disagree on a topic we do and move on.
I love the suggestion of taking her away from the house. Lunch is a perfect solution! Or going to a museum or nearby park too. This would give them an opportunity to talk about other things besides tv.
Alva,
One of the first things that my therapist said to me is not to be afraid of arguments or backlash from others for being honest because it is the only way to get things settled.
When people bite their tongues until it bleeds, nothing gets resolved. Sure, there’s a time and place for everything.
Pick the correct time and place and say whatever has to be said. That’s how I feel about it now. This ‘Keep the Peace’ crap never works in the long run.
I would also tell her you don’t want to watch these shows and you don’t want to compete with the TV. You came to visit her so the TV needs to be off.
Find something outside the house that would be fun for her. Treat her to lunch instead of sitting in the house.
The simple answer is honesty.
You don't have to do her bidding because she's a good woman.
You're allowed to say "no, I won't do this anymore" and not feel guilty.
Guilt is a useless emotion, manufactured in our heads. In healthy parent/child relationships, the parent (your mom) is repaid by you helping YOUR children, not by feeling duty bound to be a slave to her.
Just because your mother (or your boss or your friend) asks you to do something doesn't create an obligation to do that thing, if it is unpleasant for you. Your wants and needs are just as important as hers.
There's a good website called Out of the F.O.G. (fear obligation and guilt). It might help.
"A few months ago, I went to see a counselor and he asked me if I thought I was depressed because I am in my fifties. I thought it was insulting."
When we have strong feelings in a counseling session, those feelings are worth exploring. You seem to think that having strong feelings means you need to find a different therapist. To a therapist, those strong feelings are a "way in" to the conflict that you are clearly feeling--about your illnesses, your age, your outlook on life.
Look, change is hard. Getting older and having chronic illnesses is harder. You seem to have not only your mom but also your granddaughter on your plate.
Who is looking out for you?
I get being depressed, but many times that is used as an excuse. There are senior day centers she can go to, meet ppl her own age and do activities,
You have made her very dependent on you, it is time for you to change your mindset and approach your relationship with her from a different perspective.
I would start by telling her you will not visit if she keeps the TV on, there is no reason to, you can watch TV at home. You are not spending quality time with her, you are just wasting your time.
You are an adult, her equal, keep that in mind.
Good Luck! The ball is in your court.
perhaps you shouldn’t visit for awhile. Work on your own mental and physical health and just give mom a phone call instead. More difficult for her to enforce tv watching while on the phone. The break might do you both good.
Don’t go back until she is willing to turn off the tv. Unplug yours before she visits. No exceptions.
If mom is really that healthy, she shouldn’t need you at only 75 to run errands etc.
Do you think you are in a bit of denial on that part, that mom is in great shape?
Do you think your continuing to support her in this unhealthy habit is doing her any good? How so?
If this is all new behavior since dad died then she might be able to recover in a few months but she probably needs help you are unable to provide. Unable or unwilling.
Which do you think it is? are you unwilling to break the cycle or unable?
Your going along with it is not healthy for either of you. IMHO.
You should stick with the forum to help you better understand what is going on in your life and your moms and check into the link Barb sent. There are many posters here on the forum who have difficult mothers. It is sometimes easier to see our issues from a distance than when it is right in front of us.
You know your mom does need you to help her get past this difficult patch. The only way you personally may be able to help her is to distance yourself. Consider that. Doing what mom wants, hasn’t helped. Please don’t set yourself up to be the enabler for mom to spend the next 20 years watching the same tv programs over and over while she makes a slave out of you. Do you realize you are not allowed to have your own feelings when you are with mom? Do you realize that you defend her when someone makes a suggestion? she is your mom, she loves you and you love her but this is a sickness mom has. don’t go along with feeding her more poison. I am trying to use words to give you another way of looking at your situation. I am not trying to be rude.
Here is a good quote to think about by Mark Twain. “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them they have been fooled”.
I wouldn’t tell mom she can’t watch the tv. I would just tell her not in your presence. Do not do things for her she can do for herself. That will make her an invalid. You must be firm.
I wish you well.
You say that you have a granddaughter. So, your mom has a great grandchild. Do you talk about her at all? Show her pictures of your granddaughter? Children have a way of bringing a smile to our faces.
It really seems that something is going on that warrants medical attention.
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Get a referral from your PCP to see a psychiatrist for medication.
J, YOU sound depressed. Are you seeking treatment?
You say that your mom is a "young 75 year old" so why aren't the 2 of you getting out in the real world and doing some fun things like shopping, going for a walk, or doing some volunteer work together, or even traveling?
You are putting undue pressure on yourself by saying that you are your moms only friend. I hope you realize just how unfair that is to you and very unhealthy as well.
Since your mom is a young 75 year old, it's up to her to get out and make friends for herself. All Senior Service Centers, Shepard Centers, and most churches have many programs for seniors that would keep her as busy as she chooses to be.
It's time to cut the proverbial apron strings as it's not healthy for either of you.
You might need to seek some therapy to help you do just that.
Best wishes.
This sounds like a very enmeshed relationship that you and mom have.
You DO realize that you can't be responsible for someone else's happiness, right?
It sounds like your mom used to be easier to be around, more flexible, engaged
Then she changed. I would see about getting her in for a thorough evaluation of her mental and physical health.
I will make a really long story short-when my mom's personality changed, it turned out that she'd had a stroke which profoundly effected her reasoning and planning abilities.
"Choose one mom..." and follow through on her choice. Pull out your phone and enjoy.
Does she belong to a church, or a Senior Center?
You say she's a "young 75". My friends in their 70s and 80s are volunteering at museums, traveling to Europe, swimming and working out at the Y, learning to play an instrument and taking classes and the local senior center.
Has your mother been screened for depression?
"Mom, I came to visit with you and talk, not watch TV. Let's take a walk in the park."
Thinking of you and hoping you can figure something out!