I’m brand new here. I didn’t know that such a place existed. After reading several posts and replies, I guess I hope that someone out there can at least commiserate.
I am 52. My mom is 82. A little over a year ago, I lost my house. My entire family urged me to move back home with mom. I didn’t want to, but also didn’t have many other options. Shortly after the move, mom was in a car accident. She suffered some pretty intense injuries, but has recovered. She has decided she won’t drive anymore.
Mom and I always had a very strained relationship. That’s been true my whole life. She has always felt free to say really unkind and sometimes downright mean things to me, al the way back to childhood. But since I’ve been grown, I have always been the one who called her every day and tried in some way to cheer her up. My siblings are on again off again, but I was always the one to check in on her, and now I’m the only one who takes care of her.
I am financially on my feet again, and have been for some time. I could easily buy my own house in cash! But I'm trapped here. While I absolutely appreciate the fact that neither I nor my mother have any rent or mortgage and she insists on paying all utilities, the demands are becoming something else.
Simply put, mom expects me to wait on her all day every day, and she also expects me to entertain her or keep her company constantly. I run a fairly successful small business from the garage. So I can’t sit in the living room all day like she wants me to. Because I can’t, she feels sorry for herself and constantly makes comments designed to make me feel guilty.
She is fully capable of getting up, going to the kitchen, and making a sandwich or a bowl of soup. She simply does not want to. When I walk in the door for a break from work or come downstairs if I’ve been upstairs for some reason, she always says “make me a sandwich.” Or bring me something or go down the road to get her something.
I take her to dr appointments, and put her medication organizer together every Saturday for the coming week. I get up every morning and make her a cooked breakfast, take her her meds and a glass of water, and then sit and eat with her and watch the morning news. I stop working to make lunch every day and sit and eat with her and watch a little of whatever is on TV. I stop working in the evening and make dinner, give her her evening meds and eat with her, and usually watch a couple of TV shows with her. I get her into bed nearly every night and set up her oxygen machine. Put her eye drops into her eyes. Go fetch what she wants but forgets to bring to bed with her. Stand in her room and chat with her until she’s settled.
Nothing is ever enough. I usually go back to my shop in the evenings to work on some projects or sometimes just to chat with friends on the phone or online. I go back inside later. Tonight, I went out much later and then came back in around 10:30. She’s usually engrossed in a TV show, but she was already in bed. I told her I had come inside to help, but she said “I got tired of waiting on you so I did it myself.” Always guilt.
I know that my mom is lonely when someone isn’t with her. But I’m not retired. I have a business with clients who pay me and expect me to deliver what they paid me for. Mom has absolutely no interests of any kind. That may sound like an exaggeration. But aside from TV, there is nothing. She doesn’t have any interest in reading. She doesn’t know how to use a computer (I’ve tried helping but she won’t try unless I’m there). She used to like crosswords but now she doesn’t. She doesn’t crochet or knit or sew. She basically sits in her chair all day every day waiting for me to come and sit and watch TV with her. And even then she’s almost never happy about it because I should have come in sooner and stayed in longer. It’s getting to where I dread being with her at all and can’t wait to get to my shop.
Am I the world’s most ungrateful brat, or is there some solution?
If either of you have the money I recommend hiring someone to come for a few hours a day- I don’t have money for that but I certainly would
if it made financial sense. I’m on the verge of losing my job- because even though they are being flexible with time and location, I still can’t seem to deliver. Paying someone while I work doesn’t pencil
out.
I think it all comes down to boundaries. You make them and they break them- just be persistent and consistent.
I was born into a family of master manipulators. My friends often swear that I was adopted because I’m the only one who doesn’t resort to passive aggressive (or downright aggressive) behavior to get what I want. I just want everyone to be kind and get along.
Moving back into my mother’s house, I became a 52 year old child. Her house, her rules, of course. But she expects me to not need to earn a living and just sit with her all day long every day. I have absolutely no life of my own. I haven’t had any sort of social thing in over a year. I never leave this place unless I’m on an errand for her. * sighs * yep. I’m whining now.
She is responsible for her own happiness, not you. You can help her find companionship services where someone comes and sits, talks, plays games, watches tv with her, and makes her a sandwich. When things open back up again, she can join a senior center so she can make friends and be with her peers.
To answer your question, no, you're not ungrateful. You can help her by making sure she gets what she needs. It doesn't have to be you who provides it.
So happy for you that after losing your house, in a little over a year you are financially on your feet again, and can buy your own house in cash!
Maybe you should do that?
You have a few choices, and they are about you, not about talking your mother out of this unreasonable behavior (you won’t). The softest choice is to search ‘Boundaries’ in the search window at the top right hand side of the screen. Read, think, plan and act. The next option is to search ‘Guilt’, and set out to junk any guilt for living your own life to your own priorities. After that, suggest to mother just how nice an Assisted Living facility would be, lots of help, lots of company, lots of activities, and take her to look at a few. She can sell the house, move, and enjoy herself. Then you get to the hard ones – mother, these are my needs in order to stay here. If you can’t handle this, I will have to leave.
Start on this journey now – don’t wait until it’s too late.
I wonder sometimes if buying a house, her keeping her house, and then spending part of her time with me snd part of her time here would be a solution. But at 84, she’s not going to get any better.
Nobody mentions assisted living because that translates to her as nursing home, which she would never want or agree to.
I know I sound like a spoiled child. But my brother lives several states away and only calls mom when he wants money. My sister is raising her granddaughter so her hands are full. I just wonder where my life evaporated to.
In my area there is a shuttle bus to transport elders to doctor appointments. Check and see if that is available for her.
The aide will be company for her. They will play card games or perhaps work on a puzzle with her to pass the time.
I would buy your home. Can she afford to pay for additional help if she doesn’t qualify for C on A?
Best wishes to you and your mom.
Mom isn’t nearly as unable as she likes to act. That sounds so mean. And I do love my mother. But she milks it in every way. My sister and I have talked many times about how it seems like mom has been waiting her whole life to be waited on hand and foot.
I may call the agency and ask them to replace me so mom can have another person every weekday. Something that small might lift her spirits.
Your are lucky, its only been a little over a year. Easier to say "Well, I am back on my feet and time to get back on my own". No asking, just do it. Internet makes it easy to set things up liking groceries. Pharmacies deliver. Check out resources she could take advantage of.
A while back an OP asked if she was enabling her Mom, a member said "no, your disabling her". By doing things she could do for herself you have disabled her. You are not her entertainer. You are not her spouse. You are her child that she was suppose to raise to be a strong, independent person and then let go. Believe me, I understand passive-aggressive. My MIL was like that, very subtle. I was mad when she moved 2 days away when she had a 4 yr old granddaughter. But for me and my marriage, it may have been the best thing. No, I came first but I am sure she would have been bugging my DH all the time for help. But she stayed in FL 20 more yrs after FIL passed. Until her UTI at 91 she was independent. Still did for herself. It was because of that independence and stubbornness that she passed.
If siblings are nearby, the can "look in" on her. Turn that stipend into someone to come in and do for her. The longer you stay, the more she will depend on you. Start now, "Mom, I will be living once I find a place to live and have my business so its time you start doing for yourself again. You are healed and I am on my feet". Yes, she will be mad but so be it. You said ur relationship was never a good one. Believe me it won't get better as she relies on u more and more.
You say you "had no other choice" but to live with her. Fair enough. But now you're able to break free, you say you're "trapped". Then if/when you do move, you want Mom to stay around most of the time. If you want to keep her around, why move at all? Do you really want to keep her around because you enjoy her company, or do you feel guilty for having your own place again, and having her around makes you feel better?
I get the feeling you've been the family scapegoat your whole life. Mom treated you the worst, yet Mom and your siblings expect you to be the one who sacrifices her life for Mom. All the work is thrown on you and you're expected to just take it. You keep doing for her when you know she doesn't need it. Why?
She will not change. She will never give you the "I love you" you've wanted your whole life. She will never be grateful. She will never see the error of her ways. She will never see you as a loving daughter. You have a hole in your heart that she made a long time ago, and unfortunately it will never be filled. Not by her, anyway. It's a hard thing to come to terms with, but you need to find fulfillment somewhere else.
You are actually harming her by staying around and enabling her helplessness. She won't bother making her own lunch, because she can guilt you into it. Eventually she'll expect you to help with toilet things, bathe her, etc. even if she's still capable. In her eyes, you're still the child she can boss around. This will never end until you end it.
Find a house, meet with a realtor, and start your plans to move. Then you tell Mom "I've bought a house and will be moving out on [date]. If you need to be driven somewhere, let me know." Can still call her; you're just moving to a home, not cutting ties.
She will probably be mad or upset. This is another guilt tactic. Ignore the "you're a terrible daughter, you're leaving me, I'm helpless here" and stand firm. Keep in mind that she is not being mad and upset because she will miss you. It's because she is losing her maid/cook/servant.
Is your mother mentally competent? (Seems like she is.) If she is, then you are under no obligation to live with her and be her slave. If your family thinks she needs someone to live with her, then let them take care of it.
You have done enough.
Please buy your house one hour away and start living your life again.
Thank her for being there when you needed the support and helping you get back on your own feet.
As to guilt, that belongs to felons who do malice aforethought for the delight of hurting others. It is not your intention to hurt your Mom, but you are doing so and robbing her of the independence she needs to make her feel whole. It is her own business what she prefers to do, crochet or watch TV.
It is not a matter of being ungrateful. It's a matter of being an adult with a right to her own life.
All of this is said assuming that your mother is mentally and physically capable of doing her own care. She may not be. In that case you should still seek out living your own life again; Mom may need to enter a LTC facility for safety either now or in the future.
You suggest that saying you wish now to have your own life in your own home makes you a spoiled brat. On the contrary. It makes you a grownup. It is what most grownups do want.
Remember, if you choose to stay with your Mom that honestly isn't her fault. It is your choice. You can be a kind and loving daughter, but still feather your OWN nest.
Wishing you good luck in getting your life back.
You need a life separate from mom so you can have peace and joy. Mom can hire caregivers if needed with your help. My mom sounds a lot like yours but she lives in her own apartment in a senior community. Sister and I check in each week and mom has a part time caregiver. Nothing is ever good enough though and she has no interests or hobbies. She wants to be entertained all the time. I have learned to set boundaries to save my sanity. I do a lot of care from a distance.
You are a good daughter and not selfish at all. You are entitled to a life!
You need to start distancing yourself, I would recommend that you go ahead and purchase your own home, have a meeting with your siblings and tell them you will no longer will be living with your mother and take care of her as of so and so date (maybe a month or two out). Let them know you feel trapped and depressed that you have no life but work and caring for her. Give them the option of putting her into an assisted living or they can now take over her care. Maybe are a group you all can visit several assisted living places so they know all about them, such as the meals, activities (this one is important), visit a room, the schedule, some places have piano and let the visitors or residents play if they would like and some have a facility cat or dog if residents are missing a pet and of course there are many who want or like to visit. Many people have this idea that assisted living is like a hospital or institution and really have no idea what assisted is about. Some places are like small apartments with people there that check on residents and the rooms have pulls or buttons in several places in their apartment if the resident needs assistance or help. Most places also have on premise a separate building that if a resident starts showing signs of a major illness and needs round the clock care they can be moved to that building.
My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2013 and in 2015 we moved her to memory care center and that center had rooms that looked like little apartments, except no kitchen. The resident could either eat with residents or they could eat in their rooms. Depending on their wishes for that day, week, etc.
I think your mother would do so much better being with people her own age that want to be social and all kinds of people to talk to and eat with and maybe sit with to enjoy going with someone to listen to music or play games with. These facilities have outside people come in to play music, read to them and teach and plays games with the residents. I live in a retirement community that happens to have a memory center on our grounds and this center has several activities outside for the residents. The fire department does a BBQ twice in the summer months for the residents, there is a spaghetti fund raising for a charity that a lot of us owners go over and patriciate with the residents and we donate to the charity that the residents voted for that all monies (minus expenses of the food) are going to.
If your siblings are not helpful just take it upon yourself to place her. If there is a waiting list and (some places there is) get her on the list if you like the place. Also, if there is no POA, please get one drawn up, so you can take over her affairs and her care. Please get started in living and enjoying your life again.
I'm also the one who stepped in to help her during the early stages of dementia, esp after we had to take the car away and because I was laid off. I was the one who got everything set up for "the move." I was/am the one who manages everything for her, gets her supplies, visits (before lock down), and ensures she went to docs and dentists. OB couldn't even make a second visit after a short visit because he "didn't know what to do with her." He's not local, she can't use a phone, so no contact in over 2.5 years. YB is still working but rarely visits and thinks the facility "takes care of everything"!
You have to lose the "guilt." Others can only make us "feel" guilty IF we let them. There should be no guilt in wanting to have your own place and space. You had it before, you CAN have it again. Also lose the idea that you are "trapped" there. You are ONLY trapped if you choose to keep the blinders on and think that way. If you think the "demands" are bad now, just stick around, it WILL get worse. So long as you are enabling her, you ARE disabling her.
Your descriptions of what you do for her, basically almost everything - when did this start, after her accident, when she NEEDED the help? As she improved, she should have been expected to take on more responsibility and self care. The fact that you state at least once that she IS capable of doing more says a lot. LET her do more. Maybe not all at once, but over time STOP doing some of what you are doing. DON'T come in to make lunch and sit with her. DON'T spend all your "free" time sitting with/entertaining her. DON'T do all the prep for bed. It sounds like this was done when she was injured and has become not only the routine, but expected!
THIS "...but she was already in bed. I told her I had come inside to help, but she said “I got tired of waiting on you so I did it myself.” Always guilt." tells me what you have already said - she IS capable of doing for herself. Saying she isn't as unable as she acts isn't being mean, it's being honest. By backing off and letting her deal with getting her own lunch, prepping for bed, etc, you are doing her a FAVOR!
"...it seems like mom has been waiting her whole life to be waited on hand and foot." In some small way I think my mother is also now milking being waited on. She used to always say "act like a lady, let them wait on you" and even started on my daughter years ago! Granted my mother is 97, has dementia and is in a wheelchair now (mostly due to her own inactivity), but I still think she enjoys having other dote on her!
Make your plans. Buy the house. Back off doing everything for her. Hire someone from an agency with the stipend money. Let that person keep her company and do her "bidding." After moving, DO NOT bring her there to live with you part-time. Take her to appts. Take her shopping. Take her out once in a while, but she stays in her own home. Once things are better (virus wise), arrange a free luncheon and tour of local ALs (check them out yourself first - focus on things like the staff, residents, cost, amenities rather than how lavish it might look.) If she can SEE for herself these are NOT like NHs, she might have a change of heart. Maybe not, but if you take advantage of the free meals and tours, you never know.
At the very least, change YOUR mindset and prep to MOVE ON!
I would write up a list of duties you agree to do and those she must do herself. If she feels she needs further help, she’ll need to ask others to step up.
Your mom has 2 problems - lack of other social outlets and a mental health issue (most likely depression but most likely some personality type as well since her selfishness is long-standing). Please have her evaluated by her doctor for a mental health referral for medications and/or therapy. With COVID-19 still raging, it is a bit harder to get her more social outlets. Ask family members, her friends, folks from church or even paid help to "visit" with her. They can play cards, watch a movie together, chat over snacks, do some craft... It will help get you off the hook of having to be "everything" to your mom.
Make a few changes. Like the things she forgets to take to the bedroom. Get whatever it is in twos. One for living room and one for bedroom. Then no one is chasing anything down.
Instead of your brain going straight to guilt when she says 'I got tired of waiting and did it myself' - retrain your brain to think/say - 'that's great. There are lots of people younger than you than just can't do that on their own. Look how fortunate we are'. And you are fortunate for that very reason.
If mom is sitting in a chair all day, she needs to be kept mobile. Ask the doctor to order physical/occupational therapy for her. There will be new people visiting with her and take up some of her time. My mom gets a weekly nurse visit to check on things - she can do labs for the doctor if needed to avoid dr's office visits. Physical therapy (legs) is kind of hit or miss. They come for about a month then we have to wait a couple months to get it again - a Medicare cutback issue. Occupational (arms) is easier. Mom will complain about it, but I remind her our goal is to keep walking because I can't carry her. She is nearly double my weight. So, she goes along with the program AND likes the conversation with them (even though she's not one to initiate conversations with people she doesn't know).
If she's interested in the news, get the newspaper delivered. Lots of people stopped it because it's online, but my mom is not going to read an online paper. Cost of newspaper is outrageous these days, but she reads it from cover to cover. On Wed, the grocery ads are included and she makes notes of the sales for things she likes.
You do need to get out a little. If you have no siblings willing to do it, then hire someone to come in as a cleaning person (to help you because your business is growing). If you've saved up enough to buy a house, it might well be worth the pay to get someone to give you some relief but have the person come in from time to time to start with as cleaning help/a little bit of aide to mom so your mom gets to know the person. If you have been living there free all this time - asking siblings may get that thrown in your face if you ask them for relief, so be prepared. If everyone gets along well, then ask them if they can come to cover about a week so you can get out of the house for a real vacation. You need it.