I’m his 63 yrs old. My 93-yr-old dad & I were close my whole life. I moved into his condo to help with my mother who battled dementia before she passed away 4 yrs ago. My father and I got along great. We hardly ever quarreled, but if we did one of us would always apologize to the other. We had so many inside jokes. He could read me like a book and vice versa. He was appreciative of my help. He was a good man and a wonderful father. I have an older brother who lives locally but hardly ever came around, nor did he help us financially. It was always dad and me. We were a team.
As time went on his health got worse, as expected. His knees were bad and he had a hard time walking, but he could still walk slowly and make it down the steps now & then. In the last couple of months I've had to help him with almost everything. He started falling on the floor more often and I’d call the firemen to come pick him up. Dad would be so embarrassed. Even with all that going on, I enjoyed living here with him and I loved taking care of him. It was my honor to see him through these golden years of his life. I took good care of him. I tried my best to make sure he had everything he needed. I spent time with him.
The last day he was alive, he had been upstairs watching tv, looking at his computer and tinkering around for almost 2 days straight. His lymphedema was getting worse and I asked him to lie down on his bed and sleep for a while. Throughout the day I’d go back in his room and fuss at him for still being up. He kept promising he would lay down in the bed. I ended up falling asleep and at approx 10:00pm, he called me to tell me he never got in bed and he was going downstairs for a cup of coffee. As he started to ask me if I wanted anything, I abruptly interrupted him in a huff and told him “no way. I said, “You promised me you would get in bed and sleep, and you broke your promise!” My dad had some dementia and most likely didn’t remember promising me anything, but he could tell I was upset and quickly replied, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
I hung up, rolled over, and fell back to sleep.
When I woke up at 12:00am I went downstairs to check on him, make him something to eat, and tell him I love him. I looked down the hall and saw him in the kitchen lying on the floor, face down. I yelled his name, over and over, but there was no movement. It was an image that will haunt me forever.
Since then, I have been experiencing tremendous, debilitating guilt. Guilty for being so dismissive on the phone with him that night, guilty for not going down earlier to check on him, and guilty for making our last conversation what it was.
In my mind all of the help and care I’ve given him in the last 4 years doesn’t matter. All I can think of is how I failed him that day. My mind constantly drifts to the shoulda, coulda, woulda’s. I don’t know if he had a heart attack or what but what I do know is I feel like I neglected my father when he needed me the most.
In my heart I know I shouldn’t blame myself. I mean, because of me he was able to eat ice cream every day and grow old in his own chair, in his own home, but I can’t stop crying and looking up to the heavens apologizing to him. I miss him more than words can say. I think I’m sinking deeper in to depression. I am wondering if anyone has any advice that could help me get through this?
"... love covers a multitude of sins."
Proverbs 10:12
"...love covers all offenses."
You have loved him 99.9% throughout your lives so please do not fret over or feel guilty/grieved about the .01% incident which he probably didn't remember, anyway.
If your Dad is in heaven, it's a place of no tears, no fears, no sorrows. He would not want you to continue to agonize over it.
You may need to talk to a therapist and maybe consider meds for depression. Not sure how recently he passed (and I'm so sorry for this loss) but it doesn't seem like a "normal" amount of grieving by an adult child over a their parent (who had it good). Sometimes people have to recover from caregiving, not just the loss of their LO. Much of your life revolved around him, so this would be totally understandable. He would want you to live a full and joyous life, since no one gets to stay here forever. May you receive peace in your heart.
You were a good daughter and your dad knows this, I am sure of that.
What helped me? I committed to grief counseling, and really PRACTICING the techniques my counselor taught me to limit my rumination and start the live in the NOW. Aging Care folks helped a lot as well ...pointing out flaws in my thinking and showing me the only one who could do the work to move forward was ME! I am a spiritual/semi-religious person, so I relied on my priest and my prayer life to help support me as well as spouse, family and friends. I built a "Laura army" to get me through the crappiest early months of grief/guilt. As I started to gain distance, I gained some perspective and some wisdom...I learned to separate what I could control back then, vs. what was out of my control. I learned I often mistook ANGER ( at the situation, the unfairness of life, the suffering, the pain, etc.) as GUILT . With time and a lot of counseling and GRIEF SHARE help, I admitted I did try to do the best I could with what I knew and had at the moment. I was no mind-reader -- couldn't tell the future even the next minute -- and I was human - got exhausted from the stress of long- term caregiving. I gradually learned to accept what happened, REALLY GRIEVE IT ( and not mask real sadness and pain of loss under the guilt shield - as if I could control life/death...) I started to heal - to MAKE myself concentrate mostly on my NOW life and helping the people I still have in my life. Through the lens of experience and perspective, I've grown more empathetic, more giving and loving ...a better person. You will too - your heart is there - now take the real, concrete steps to let you head and heart get on the same page and move forward with appreciation for yourself and all you did ...Hugs, Laurabelle
Blessings to you on the loss of your Dad.
You were a good caregiver who took care of dad until the end. All of us get haunted with this false guilt, but it is not real. You did your part.
What I'm getting at is he was furious at them for not letting him die. I believe he found peace, and was mad at them for taking away his peace. I have no clue what happens after death, but I do believe it's peaceful and your dad is at peace!
And have fun with the dating!!
I go to moms, about 4 mornings a week. My fear is that I'm going to find my mother, like you found your dad. I have no clue how I'm going to handle it, IF it happens. And I'm sorry I have no advice, but I can say your not alone. And I do prepare myself by saying over and over , your doing the best that you can, with what you are given.
Could I do better, could I go over more, could I get her out more often, yes I could but not without jeopardizing my mental health, even more
I went through a similar thing before my father fell unconscious and died. He had been in hospital for a crisis and stubbornly discharged himself after a few hours. When I picked him up and drove him home I was angry, stressed out and not very friendly. There was no fight but I was harsh and not very loving or tender towards him. Next day he ended up in hospital again, but never gained consciousness before he died.
Like you I felt bad for not having been kinder on the last moment we spoke. But just like your dad mine was never holding grudges for long, so I could forgive myself. It was just bad timing, not a bad relationship, and that is what counts in the end.
You write you both were always quick to apologize and forgive each other after a quarrel. Please know that wherever he is now he is still the same kind and sweet soul. He would not want you to feel guilty because he knows you loved him dearly. You were a wonderful and loving child, caring for him in his old age, and he knows you did not mean it.
I wrote a letter to mom. I listed all the things I loved about her, all the things I felt I did right and was transparent about what I wish I could redo. In my heart I was speaking to her. I like to think she has read my letter.
Seek help and give it time.
Thank you
There is no way that any one of us would not be feeling EXACTLY as you do.
Not matter how much we do and have done for the ones we love, no matter how much love and understanding, we will ALWAYS ALWAYS remember the single failure. I know the moments of hurt with my Mom, with my brother TO MY SOUL. I can SEE the single seconds in which I failed them clear as a photo. They will come in to my mind and I will mutter, "Oh, D." "Oh,
Mom." Just for the sadness of a single moment out of years of caring and love and companionship.
Deep inside you know all you were to one another and all you did, but this single moment of "failure" is haunting you because you had no time for the reminder of "Sorry, Dad. Love you! Just had 'a moment' there".
You know your Dad. You know wherever he is, if he is anywhere, then he would do all he could to come comfort you in this pain.
But he can't.
So you need to do him the honor of seeing a grief counselor now to work this through. And only time is going to make it less painful, less sharp, and allow you to return to all the LOVE you shared, all the goodness. That moment will be with you. The moments we hurt "an innocent" live with us always. But it won't be the torment you are doing to yourself NOW.
Because we aren't god. We aren't saints. We are human beings. And we ALL have moments. Yours just had the worst timing.
Please get help. And please remember to talk to him, celebrate the love you had for one another, write him, journal and decorate it, stop dwelling on a single second of very human failure and remember all you were to one another. Don't let a single human second of reaction and exhaustion wife out the beauty of what you KNOW you had.
You can stop these thoughts.
Your Father got old.
He died. It was time.
You will miss him OF COURSE...
This is grieving.
I am so very sorry for your loss.
I hope you can seek out a good grief councellor to assist you to move your thoughts to more productive ones.
Small things, but lighting a daily candle & visiting the grave with flowers helped someone I know with grief related depression. It took time to accept the reality of death & then make a connection to something physical to 'visit' & show love.
There isn’t a caregiver alive who is perfect! Let me just say though, that you came as close to perfect as you possibly could.
I am sure that your sweet father didn’t even expect perfection. He loved you, you know that. You loved him and he was very aware of your love for him.
Anyone who reads your post can obviously see that you adored your father.
There isn’t anything that needs to be forgiven. You did your best. No one can ask for anything more than that.
Speak to a grief counselor if you need to work through these emotions. Join GriefShare, griefshare.org. They hold meetings in local churches.
Wishing you peace as you grieve the loss of your beloved dad.
Sending a bazillion hugs to you today! You’re going to get through this one day at the time.
We are HUMAN. No one can do this 24/7/365 and not get angry at some point.
Your dad knew you loved him.
Your dad knew you cared for him.
Your dad would NOT want you feeling guilty for anything you did, didn't do or thought you did or didn't do.
You did noting to cause your dad's death, you did noting to hasten it.
As a matter of fact he probably lived longer and more comfortably with you caring for him. The fact he died at home and not in a hospital hooked up to an IV and monitors is probably a blessing.
Be kind to yourself.
But PLEASE talk to YOUR doctor about seeing a therapist for a few visits just to talk. Or ask at your local Church or other house of worship if they have a Grief Support Group. Talking to others that have had the same experience of losing a loved one will help.
Grief runs it's own course. There is no timeline. The pain will be there, somedays sharp some days a gentle ache. Do not try to rush it or let others tell you that it is time to "move on". This is up to you.
Your Dad would want you to be happy. The last thing he would want is for you to think you failed him, or feel guilty.
When you are that close to someone, the grief will take time to get through. Your Dad was 93, and taken excellent care of by YOU.
Your Dad would want you to remember the good times, ice cream included.
One day doesn't wipe out all the many other days when you took such good care of him. And he certainly wouldn't want you feeling any guilt about that day.
You did the very best you could, and that is all any of us can do, so please cut yourself some slack, and seek out some grief counseling. Grief Share has free meetings all over, so Google to see where there is one in your area.
You DID NOT fail your dad that day or any day, but were the loving child that I'm sure your dad and mom were very proud of.
And your dad got to die in his home the way I'm sure he wanted to, so take comfort in that.
Your dad would want you now to rest and take care of yourself and move forward in your healing, and not feel any guilt as you did nothing wrong.
I'm sure your dad loved you very much and he wouldn't want you wasting another minute on feeling guilty on how things went down. And all the should haves, could haves or would haves will get you no where in the healing process, so please let those go. We all do the very best we can do and that's all we can do and that has to be enough.
It was your dads time to go be with your mom, so I hope and pray that you can take some comfort in knowing that they are now together once again, and looking down on you cheering you on.
Thank you so much