My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
The next time she is hospitalized, she goes to rehab. Because you WON'T be rushing there to be her nurse maid at home.
Find a place that can transition her to self-pay/ Medicaid long term care.
Start planning now. As Beatty says, you have a couple of weeks. Start visiting these places and find the ones that are acceptable.
Max,
My mom worked really hard when she was in rehab. Your mom might surprise you. They always do more for others than they do for us!
Plus, those good looking physical therapists are easy on the eyes! LOL 😆. My mom was nearly deaf, eyesight not as sharp as it once was, but she certainly could see every good looking man that walked through the door!
They make friends with each other. They can watch television together in the lounge area in the evenings. They share stories. It was sweet to see the camaraderie that forms between the participants at rehab.
It couldn’t be easier, the hospital transports them straight to the rehab facility. Medicare pays for it.
Home health was really good for mom as well. Mom had one physical therapist that even played her favorite music, Frank Sinatra, for her to exercise with.
Why do you assume that because your parents will need care that YOU have to be the one to provide it?
Your parents need to be in a place (best is a Continuing Care Retirement Community) CCRC where they can start out at the level of care they need now and stay there with additional services as they age.
Right now, it sounds like your mother might qualify for Assisted Living. Have you investigated any facilities yet?
What they "want" does not mean that they "get" from you.
Your needs, your marriage matter.
Or... If you have decided to stay 2-3 weeks, stay! A LOT can be accomplished in that time!
#1 Make some Life for you. Start making some non-parent activities for yourself.
Get out early every day. Get to know your local cafe staff for a cuppa after you walk the dog. Or join a local gym, a walking club, the library, enrol the puppy in puppy school.
#2 Home Services. Start the research now. Call the local Aging Services, have a needs assessment booked, see what services they qualify for. Set these up.
#3 Get busy with the paperwork. Ensure POA or springing POA is all in place. Ensure MPOA is good so you can talk to their Docs when back at home too. Ensure their Primary Doc knows you are in town *temporarily*. Maybe welfare checks need to be established for when you leave. Ensure Dad's Cardio Specialist knows he will need aftercare as his wife has been recently ill & has suspected cognitive issues.
#4 Start looking ahead. Is the condo going to let them *age in place* for long? You pay the mortgage, right? Is it in your name? Will you sell it when they need Assisted Living/Nursing Home? Or keep for your own retirement/holiday stay, or maybe for holiday let income? Tour some Assisted Living places. Look at the costs etc. Start looking into financial advice.
These 2-3 weeks can be spent planning, preparing & future proofing. This could be the silver lining here.
Take it on!
Is your brother still alive? Are your parents still sending him money?
You and you DH paying their mortgage is pretty insane unless you are fabulously wealthy.
This is the problem, my mom took advantage of my free time, and I let her. We also don’t have kids so I was too available for her. Really bad situation!
in a beautiful place and on the water. It’s not depressing for them. They really are self sufficient except for the fact that my mom had this issue, which we know will be resolved. My mom is panicking because literally she never was ill. I had breast cancer, not her.
My mom was like this since I came out of her womb. She’s always saying this may be her last trip or last time seeing us - so dramatic. She’s extremely impatient which drives all of us insane, What happened now is that I thought she wanted me to stay for good just to wipe her. I became frantic. Thank goodness she started doing it herself!
Theirs was 70 right? A huge special deal. Not many get to that!! Yours may not be a special number this year (?) so I get the situation differs.
But LOOK at it.
You attend your parent's anniversary but not to your own. Who are you married to?
Please look into that support group Barb suggested. Or another. Many do online sessions. I fear your parents' lives will eat the remainder of your life up.
If you want to stay. Do so. But know you risk losing a lot.
I think you should seriously consider leaving with him.
I'd love you to list out why you can't go with him.
You have an opportunity to blow some whistles & gain help for your folks if on dry land. But if you are in the ship sinking with them you will go down with them. No-body will hear you.
The following was told to me by a very wise staff member of a rehab;
"It's no-one's fault, but the elderly or disabled person just sort of takes over"..
Specifically when a family member moves in to help. This may be a permanent situation, or a temporary one that blows out *like this*.
But the result is the same, the caregiver's own life as they knew it ends - they ALL start living the ONE life: the elder/disabled person's life.
It can start with enmeshment.
No, you won’t bring a bedpan into a kitchen!
Or perhaps just check into a hotel or AirBnB?
Your parents need to grow up.
when he comes he said he can’t stay we’re leaving probably the next day! Oh no I’m in big trouble! Ok. I do need therapy - just by saying what I just said! I’m goi g to stop ranting because I’m probably driving you people crazy!
Your Mom gave you your walking papers when she said if you don't like the bed leave and don't come back. Your Dad will do OK with his pacemaker surgery. You may want to call his doctor and say you need to return home so they may want to set up some in home care to follow up on him.
You can always request a well check from the police or APS
P.S. those beds are uncomfortable because of the fold out bar. My daughter used to sleep on an angle and said it was not as bad.
Hi Everyone! My mom just yelled at me. I said Dad will get the frying pan out because he knows the one he likes and she yelled at me saying sit down you’re tired and I said I am tired - I just got over a respiratory infection, I’m chasing around 2 puppies and I’m sleeping on a pullout couch! I wouldn’t dare say I’m at your beck and call. So she said It’s not from what you do here (like I don’t do anything (what the f)? She said I didn’t know you’re uncomfortable on the pullout - I said we told you that our lower backs hurt by the time we leave here! To which she replied then don’t come here.. Then I stirred her breadcrumbs and she started stirring them again and I said I just did that and she said don’t tell me what to do, I’ll sit here and stir them all I want! Are you kidding me? I’m going out when my Dad gets back and taking my puppy for a f***ing walk! Let her talk behind my back -I don’t give a you know what!
Doing the same thing over & over again expecting a different result.
Go home Maximus. What you're posting now is the same $hi#, different day. Mom's going to pull out all the stops to keep you there, the question is, what are YOU going to do to stick to YOUR guns & leave now? She told you, "Then don't come here." Your response needs to be, "You're 100% correct mom, we were wrong to come & now we're leaving. Goodbye."
I had the same reaction when I told my father I would be away on vacation. He asked who was going to take care of him? I told him he was responsible for himself. At this point he still lived on his own and I took him shopping or to a specialist. But he expected me to find a person for him when I was away. I thought that took a lot of nerve.
You tell your mother off then she yells back and you back down. That seems like your routine. Next time don't back down and yell back at her if necessary. She is still under the impression that she commands and you obey. Because you normally do. I'm glad she is finally starting to try and take care of business. Don't be surprised if she has an 'accident' right before you are ready to leave in an attempt to get you to stay.
Don't worry about when you finally go home. Just ignore the storm and go. It will be fine.
My mother is the same way. Yesterday she was able to crush me with her bullying and reduce me to tears which is no easy thing to do. That hasn't happened in a very long time.
Today she acts as if everything is right as rain. It's not and I don't pretend it is. You shouldn't either.
Make your travel arrangements and go, go, go. Go back to your life. Good luck.
Second - I am wondering what your exit strategy is. You are staying a "few" more weeks. Do you have a date of departure? I may have missed that in an earlier post. You know your mother is going to throw fits to try to keep you there. The bum wiping is just part of it. She wants to keep you there regardless of the fact that she can be cared for by others. But that is destroying your life so you are choosing to leave and live your own life. That's great. Not being there for your dad's birthday and surgery - oh, well. There is no rule saying adult children have to be there for everything for their parents. I wasn't there for either father's or mother's funeral. The family dynamics were tilted against me so I didn't go. My sister is as sick as mother was but in a more cold and calculating way. I know about abusive siblings. I have gone no contact with her. You do what you have to to survive!
So glad you are a survivor. Keep up the good work!!!
Make sure you tell the OT (and anyone else from the team) that you will be leaving and that your parents will require outside help if they want to remain at home.
It sounds like your mom has something pretty serious going on, with oxygen and fluid retention. Does she have congestive heart failure?
The OP's mother won't use the toilet but rather insists on a bed pan being brought into the kitchen for her to piss and crap in. She isn't going to use a bidet.
My father was Italian and Greek. None of the old people from his side of the family including himself ever complained or made their family's lives miserable. His mother lived with one of her daughters for a little while when she was quite old then went into care. Never complained, never made anyone's life a misery when they visited. The staff loved her because she never fussed about anything. She watched the daily Catholic mass every morning on tv and prayed her Rosary three times a day. My aunts on my father's side got old and had to be in care as well. They never gave anyone any trouble at all.
My mother is a miserable, negative, snide, instigating, gaslighting, guilt-tripping drama queen. She's been dying my entire life since I was a little kid.
She is not Italian. Not at all.
I would never expect my son to wipe my a$$ or his father's. He will not be bathing us either. He would, but I would never allow it. Neither would his father. We're not the kind of people who derive pleasure from making others miserable. There are some kinds of people who actually enjoy someone having to clean up their sh*t. My mother is one of these people. It's a power trip for some people. I've had care clients like this. Most of them I dropped from my service.