My husband and I have been with my 90 year old parents since before Thanksgiving. It is now January 2nd. My husband had to go home to work in another state. My mom got a respiratory infection and was sent to the hospital due to fluid in her extremities and low oxygen. She’s now on oxygen. I stayed behind to care for her and help out my Dad. I thought that she would get better in a few weeks. It’s not the oxygen problem that she can’t deal with when I leave, it’s that she can’t reach back to wipe her rear because she’s too heavy in her stomach. Granted she’s sitting on a high toilet seat with grab bars, but even before we got that, she didn’t want to wipe herself. Then she wants me to bring her a bed pan into the kitchen while my Dad was cooking in the kitchen, also outside on the common area balcony in front of her door, in the living room - to urinate instead of walking to the bathroom. My Dad said she gets out of bed on her own, wipes herself upfront and gets back into bed by herself. When my wonderful husband told her Mom you need to start trying to become independent again like you were, she went crazy on him and told me go home to your husband. He is the most compassionate person in the world. My mom said to him I want to thank you for you giving up your wife - what does this mean? For how long does she think I’m going to stay around just to wipe her? She said I would never have your father to that. I don’t like to use my father’s car so I’m trapped. I also brought my puppy who needs exercise. She told me don’t be long walking him. Also, she’s supposed to be losing weight and she’s eating cookies, etc. So why do I have to wipe her if she can’t reach back because she’s heavy and she’s not helping herself? My husband and I are in our 60’s and about to retire and she won’t even walk to help herself! It’s so unfair! I bought her a tool to help her reach back and she doesn’t want to try it. If she can’t wipe herself now, I can’t just live with her to just stay around to wipe her. So sorry everyone! PS I had breast cancer and need to go to my doctors too.
If you keep going on at this pace, before you even get the chance to speak with your husband, you’re either going to be crying to a therapist or getting an examination from a cardiologist for your own health issues.
Trust me, I am speaking from experience. I was so slow in letting go of control caring for my parents that I ended up in a therapist’s office (best choice that I ever made.) My blood pressure became very high, my heart was racing and my doctor sent me to a cardiologist for tests.
Continual stress in our lives causes a lot of anxiety and physical symptoms as well. My therapist would notice that I was breaking out in hives just talking about my situation.
I couldn’t eat. I felt like I would throw up if I tried to eat a meal. My doctor and husband were upset about the weight I was losing. I can’t eat when my nerves get the best of me.
I found this forum way too late. I needed therapy much sooner too. It took me awhile to wrap my head around so many things. It’s a process.
I am glad that you have a compassionate husband. I do too, but don’t kid yourself, husbands get sick of things. It becomes a burden on them to feel like they have to constantly comfort us.
The best thing my husband told me was, “Your mom gets upset if she gets her way. She gets upset when she doesn’t. So why are you continuing on like this? It’s a waste of time.” He was right! Something inside me clicked that day. I hope something will click inside of you soon too.
I get sad sometimes because I feel like I wasted so many years as a caregiver. I can’t ever get that time back. I didn’t know what I know now. I am grateful to everyone that reached out to me. Find peace, find joy, you deserve it.
One way to sort the *sensible* from the *silly* is playing a little game called 'What's an emergency?'.
Are dog treats an emergency?
Only accept a Yes/No answer.
You will see if Mom is sensible or silly that day 😃.
Oh, yes. The "emergency". I can't even tell you how much of this nonsense I've had over the years.
Don't play games. What I do when there's an "emergency" is offer to either call a family member or 911.
I had one of our clients calling the office over the weekend with an "emergency".
I called her DIL (she arranged services) and told her that we do not handle client emergencies. Our caregivers work their scheduled hours. The only time the office should be called is if there is a complaint or cancellation. I told the client and the DIL that if she continues to call the office with all these "emergencies" which are nonsense we will drop her from our service.
Or are you seeing Mom react like every little thing is a top grade emergency eg do it NOW, I need this TODAY, call Dad THIS minute.
This kind of controlling behaviour can be panic, anxiety, cognitive decline inc problems with short term memory. (Have to do it NOW before they forget). My own Mother gets like this - for all of those reasons.
Wth practice, you will take a deep breath, consider the 'emergency' & then respond.
Remember Mom installed that quick-jab-react button in you to jump at her command!
Once you see it in others, Wow. You kind of laugh when you see them leap of the couch into action over a dropped spoon or something trivial.
Do you understand what it means to be an adult? It means being able to say "no", calmly and firmly one's parent, and take the dog for a walk.
Stop taking orders from her.
Are you really surprised by your their reaction? Your parents are going to continue to reach out to you to be their lifeline.
You are NOT their lifeline. You can utilize tools that can lead them to a proper lifeline, which of course, is placement in a suitable facility.
It is NOT your responsibility to be their ‘hands on’ care. You can be their advocate after they are placed in a facility.
You want your parents to be happy but you also have to be happy and have peace in your life. You will never achieve this if you continue being their lifeline. Give up that responsibility and allow others to care for them.
I wish you and your family all the best.
You do see how this is going to go down, right?
Personally, everything you have shared here, your parents should be in managed care. That would be the only conversation about care you should engage in.
Does it suck? Yes, absolutely! But, they are NOT able to be independent, for whatever reason, so they need to accept that life changes and they need to stop sucking your life force to prop them up. If they refuse, they couldn't care less about you, other then giving your mommy what she wants, that's the care they have for you and your spouse.
Yes, you are crazy to keep pushing the date out. That's why you keep getting pressured, IT WORKS! This is your problem and not your parents. You need to learn what no means and utilize it or YOU just create more pressure on yourself.
Oh how we dream of living in an ideal world!
This is the final stretch because February 7th is only a few weeks away. Your mother will double-down on the games, the drama, the verbal abuse, and the manipulation now.
You MUST be extra careful and observant in the weeks leading up to you going home. If your mother is anything like mine, the fabricated health crises and staged "falls" will also be starting up around now. Many people don't believe seniors do these things but they are very common tactics to get attention and to maintain control over the people in their lives.
Watch for this and beware of it.
Then let nothing short of an act of God stop you from going home on February 7th. Good luck.
It’s sad when things seem to be in place, and a parent tries to sabotage everything.
This is when our strength is tested! Don’t think that a parent can’t see their children’s weaknesses. They absolutely do and will use it against them every time.
I’ve been with her since Dec 22nd. In the summer I did an unplanned 5 week stint (she had fallen). You have my sympathies.
I understand that you want them to have their independence at home for as long as it’s possible. Your parents are quite elderly. My mom lived to be 95. If they don’t have good health, after a certain point, it’s all downhill for them.
I am glad that you know that it wouldn’t be a good idea for them to move into your home.
Do you have outside help lined up for your mom after you leave your mom’s house, either with an agency or private care?
Have you spoken with them about future plans when they can no longer be at home without help?
I was close to my mother. When a parent moves into our home the relationship changes. It can also place a strain on even the best of marriages. I have an incredible husband who loved my mom but there is no privacy after a parent moves into our home. Caring for a parent in our home adds a lot of additional stress.
At one point, I toured facilities, skilled nursing homes and assisted living facilities and one memory care in case my mom would ever need that. She had Parkinson’s disease with dementia.
I asked each facility when they thought it was best for a person to enter a facility. All of them responded by saying that it is best to place a parent before things have progressed to the worst stage.
You may want to tell your parents that one day they will have to consider going to a facility. Otherwise, they may think that they are able to move in with you and your husband. Just food for thought.
As difficult as it has been on you temporarily living with your parents, it would be much harder if they were to live with you in your home. Been there, done that, would not do it again.
If I had found this forum sooner, and been told things sooner by experienced posters, I could have avoided a lot of heartache. Don’t confuse ‘love’ with ‘hands on’ care. You do not have to do the difficult ‘hands on’ care yourself.
Wishing all the best for your family.
Do you have your bags packed yet?
This evening, I announced I’m heading home on Wednesday afternoon (after my monthly visit got extended another week due to a fall, caused by too many drinks) and I got the boo-hoo thing from her.
About a minute later she asked, “what happened to me up here??” We were in her room. I was reading her emails to her and typing out responses to people.
I had been speculating where she might have scraped her scalp (which lead to a large cut on her forehead that needed about 8-10 stitches).
”How would I know,” she said, “I was unconscious.”
me “You were not unconscious”
omit part about being drunk. That point had its moment a few times at the doctor on Friday (reason for fall: 120 blood alcohol level)
she says, “yes I was UNCONSCIOUS. I don’t remember any of it.”
me “that doesn’t mean you were unconscious.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” she was chomping at the bit to argue and I stood back. I could see she was trying to hold back. So I tentatively said, “you were talking to me…that means you were not unconscious”
I think — how much scarier it would have been for me if she was unconscious.
she said, “I was? What did I say?”
“let me die, I just want to die…” I told her. she ponders this.
I continued, “I was asking you if anything hurt. You yelled back that everything hurts…I was trying to put underwear on you…and you screamed at me…”
she interrupts me here. It’s just too much for her so she’s got to deflect.
she says, “you were probably yelling at me!”
pause, oh here we go again !
I think, “and now I need to walk away”
Right, mom; I came upstairs after a thud and found you on the floor, bleeding with nothing on, and of all the things I do, all the patience I have for EVERYTHING except the b.s you give me, the eye rolling, the sarcasm… I yelled at you. While
on hold with 911 even, sure. Right. Actually, when I came upstairs and saw her, I thought, omg — she fell, bad; maybe dying??? Head injury? maybe things are broken? omg this is bad.
plus it’s only been 6 months since the last one (which was bad and I stayed for FIVE WEEKS after)
we can not fix their situations or them, right? Let’s go home and take care of ourselves a bit. We will be back soon to take care of them (again).
Then plant the seed that after her next fall, she may meet some nice new people & be able to swap stories etc.. coz most folk find rehab quite social. Yes rehab. As of course YOU can't come running & be nursemaid after every fall, but luckily rehab exists. She'll have all those lovely PT staff to chat to too..
The next fall you can promote yourself to *emotional support via video/phone* or something.
Yes?
You don’t sound harsh at all. You are describing a realistic situation. Things change in our parents lives and often times we struggle in the process of adapting to new circumstances.
Keep focusing on what is truly important and you’ll find ways to accommodate what they need and still keep your sanity.
Indeed, it can be perplexing and stressful for us to go through. Hang in there. Talk it out with others. Make decisions based on facts rather than emotions that will negatively impact the outcome.
With the right people in place and eventually probably placement in a facility your parents can be well looked after by people who are not emotionally attached to them and who can monitor their condition in a professional manner. My mother did as well as possible in those circumstances and it spared me a lot of stress.
My daughter says thank you for the hug and sends hugs back and prayers.
Wishing all the best to you and your hubs and Happy Anniversary. 💐🎉🎈
P.S. I’m not telling them I won’t be returning for Dad’s 95th birthday! My mom said she’ll make up my wedding anniversary that I’m missing with my husband and I guess this will be it! Thanks guys❤️
This is not good for your health. I'm going to give you some hard words here as you have some hard choices to make. I can see you are worried about your cancer coming back, Good! Then do what you have to do for your own survival and reduce the stress in your life. There is evidence that cancer thrives on stress. Use more of your resources (time, energy. money, caring) for yourself and your hubs. Latterly, when my mother spoke like that to me I was out of there and in a hotel. Eventually I didn't stay with her any more. Your body is saying NO! (Book by Dr. Gabor Mate "When Your Body Says No"). Your health can't afford this!
Your mother is not in her right mind, your parents are not independent, and they do need assistance from professionals now, not some vague time in the future. So your mother wiped her own bum. Good, but that doesn't solve the larger problem that they are becoming more and more dependent. What you can do, as their next of kin, and as other posters are saying, is investigate facilities that will provide care for them. Facilities have equipment and staff who are trained to work with 200 lb. ladies with atrophied legs. Get the paperwork in order - POA etc. Look into Medicaid. Get some therapy for you to learn to deal with your life better. You don't have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of their wants.
Will they like it? No, of course not. Your job is not to please them, or make them happy, but to help get their needs met. Remember wants are not needs. Sure they love living on the water. Unless you can afford to hire enough 24/7 caregivers to keep them where they are, this phase of their life is probably ending. As we age our needs increase and our wants have to take a back seat more and more. That is life. I am 85 and, believe me, my needs are increasing and I have to make decisions based on them, not on my wants. At some point, I will likely need to move into a facility. Do I want to? No, not at all. What do I want? I would love to live in a villa in Tuscany. It's not going to happen. And there is no way on God's green earth I would expect my daughter to put her needs behind mine and look after me so my wants could be met.
Up to 40% of caregivers die before the people they care for. They put off their own medical care, they don't get enough help, they live in a state of stress - in short they don't care for themselves. You are the poster child for this. Again, you have some very important choices to make.
Two quotes by Paulo Coelho:
"When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself"
and
“What's the world's greatest lie?... It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate.”
((((((hugs))))) to you and prayers
You are mistaken where the 200-pound mother being considered a "2-person assist" for homecare. That's not how homecare agencies do their case assessments.
I've been in this line of work for 25 years and own a homecare agency now.
Client pricing is not based on size. Please don't state what is clearly an opinion of yours to the OP as if it is an actual fact. It isn't. No homecare agency in the world ever sends two aides at one time to care for a client because of insurance liability. A nursing home may do a 2-person assist if someone wished on a falling star and it's a blue moon, but not usually. A client can hire two private-pay aides at a time though. They can hire a dozen to come at the same time if they're rich and paying privately.
When I was agency-employed help I had a 390-pound client with mobility issues. I was the only aide on the case five days a week. Part of the case was hygiene care. Even after I got injured on that case, there was still only one aide on duty at a time.
The price for her was the same as the price for any other client. It's not based on size or weight.