My mother did not want to discuss death. She was clearly in failing health. Others have told me that their parent would discuss death. In these cases they were ready which subsequently made it easier for those left behind.
I wanted to be with my mother at the end but she began failing quickly and I was not able to be there. Consequently there is a feeling of lack of closure. I know that nothing can be done but I wondered how others might have experienced the end.
When they died, I felt huge relief. They were no longer suffering. The relief was enough closure for me.
Maybe it would help if you thought about it that way. My condolences on your loss, and I hope you find the closure you need.
I was there shortly before she died. My brother was with her and it was important for him to be with her at the end so I am glad that he was.
My mother was at peace with death and that allowed me to accept her death easier.
She was ready to be with my father who died many years earlier. They were married for 56 years and loved each other deeply.
I know her thoughts about death in general and she had peace about life after death. But I don't know anything she was thinking as she was dying and I've always been bothered I wasn't there with her and also bothered by how she died when that wasn't what was supposed to happen.
Writing this is making me bothered about it all over again and it's been four years! I try to put it out of my mind since nothing can be done to bring her back or change it.
Even if certain people are psychic, there are too many scammers in this field. I find this especially to be true about the well known ones that appear on television and stages.
These so called psychics get rich by simply performing ‘hot and cold’ readings or looking at people’s Facebook profiles.
So many people want to believe their words to be true and no matter how much proof is provided they will still believe whatever is said. It’s really sad.
Of course, fake psychics don’t feel badly for ripping people off because they feel they are helping others by telling them their fabricated stories that could apply to anyone.
I have never been to one. I know several people who have gone to see them. I would be concerned that I would start laughing at their supposedly psychic abilities. I don’t think they would appreciate me as a client.
It’s funny how I can giggle about this stuff with some people and others will get upset and staunchly disagree and defend the psychics.
I do understand that she wanted to go. I just feel like the information that she was told could apply to anyone.
I kept my opinion to myself though because she found comfort from it.
I do find myself being more skeptical as I get older due to the scammers everywhere!
I feel remorse I was too inexperienced, weak and afraid to be with my father and my brother, I held my mother's hand right up until her final few moments. Grief is grief, and in my opinion the concept of closure is over rated.
NHWM
I try very hard to be on good terms with the people in my life for several reasons--I love them and want them to know it. I want there to be harmony in my life and esp with my family. I want them to know I love them, without conditions.
I don't like drama and bad feelings.
My mom and I had a fairly rocky relationship--but we loved each other and although she passed and was alone when that happened, I had no bad feelings or issues with her. I also believe that death is simply like walking into another world--very close to this one.
I try to be sure that I tell my LO's that I love them. Every time I talk to them, or see them. Not b/c I'm afraid they'll die and I will feel guilty, but b/c the world just needs more love in it. If they choose to reciprocate with an "I love you too", that's fine.
I am sad that my MIL will pass and I will not have these feelings, but she chose the path of hate and although I do NOT hate her, she hates me, and has created this huge wall of defensiveness. She's the one who's losing out.
I was holding my sweet daddy's hand when he died. It was so beautiful and sweet. I count it as one of the most spiritual experiences I have ever had.
I was not present when mom passed. But my sister and I dressed her for her burial and that was beautiful and tender, to do that final gift for her.
Eternity is a long time to work out troubled relationships. I know the few that I have will be worked out, eventually.
--Hothouse Flower
She NEVER talked about death and had no idea she was under hospice care at the AL bc she hated that idea and fought it mightily.
Unlike you, I did not want to be with mom as she took her last breath. So Chuck and I went home early in the evening on the day I knew she'd pass. I did not want that memory of her etched in my mind for the rest of my life. We'd spent that whole day with her, listening to her rattled breathing, and giant hiccups which scared me something fierce.
Especially since at that point, I knew mom had already transitioned to the other side and only her body was left in the bed to die. Her soul was already free.
She died at 9:30pm that night.
We went back to the MC to see her body and to say goodbye. That was all the closure I needed. When we meet again, then we'll talk. 😁
I could not bring myself to see my mother's body.
I am very slowly accepting - that mom's gone - by connecting with friends and cousins who also lost parents. I need to know that I'm not the only with both parents gone - I got a lot of comfort from the kind words in this forum. I'm also tempted to join support groups although the stories from these groups will make me even sadder, so I will see.
After being a caregiver for many years and trying to do my best for her every day, she died when I left the room for only a few minutes. She was alone. It made me feel like I had failed even after all of the hoops I had jumped all of those years. Anti-climatic. We never spoke of death in a conversation. She was afraid of it. So, I had her write in a journal what she wanted so that I had a clear understanding of what she wanted at her funeral. I did my best to do everything she wished (even the dress she wanted to wear).
I have written many times, here on the forum, that my mom was an introvert. I have heard that people die the way they live. She was so comfortable with her own company that I like to believe she died alone because she chose to. At least that makes me feel less sorrowful over not being with her when she died.
I will tell you that it has really been something I have had to have counseling for. All of those years, doing every thing I could to make sure she was ok only to not be in the room when she passed (when my presence counted the most). I have started a journal, writing down the things I know I did right since I tend to focus on the things I wish I could change.
It does get easier. It will be 10 months this week and I do not think about it every day. I just have days where it overwhelms me and I think I cannot breath. It passes. I have even been able to smile at some of the good memories.
Grief is complex. Relationships are complex. Give yourself time.
My grandmother did this exact same thing. She had her children taking shifts sitting with her for weeks. She kept hanging on. Then on a day where one son left for work and the other son was on his way— about a 20 minute gap— she took a breath and let go. A nurse walked in a few seconds later and saw she’d passed.
It’s not uncommon for people to pass when they get a moment alone. You did nothing wrong and didn’t fail her!
One reason why I couldn’t go see my mom’s body after she died was because there was a kid in my speech class who did their ‘informative’ speech on, ‘How to embalm a body.’
Detailed information on what occurs to a body after death was given!
That student’s family owned a mortuary. I was very disturbed by their speech but the student got an A for a unique topic and the information given!
Thank you for your response. I am certainly glad the suffering is over as it was intense with her conditions. I just get hard on myself which I know is pointless. I have to talk myself out of these emotions. I guess I just wanted to thank her for the positive influences and because we were so different I hadn't expressed that but I told myself I was going to take the last days and be very positive. Just didn't have that chance.
She knew🙏🏾