I'm a nervous wreck. Any suggestions managing the relationship with my wife in a NH?

Welcome, Old85!

Your profile says that your wife has dementia. Having a "broken brain" makes it very difficult for someone to see the reasons for the way things are.

Does she have a geriatric psychiatrist who can consult of medication for depression and agitation/anxiety?

Do YOU have support? Do you have a social worker or counselor who can guide you and help you adjust to this new normal?

Have you considered visiting less often, which may give your wife a better chance to adjust?

Please come back and let us know how you're doing.

NO ONE, “wants” to be in a “nursing home”. EVER.

But there are times, as you have previously realized, when full time care is necessary, and you are currently encountering the fallout of doing something difficult and distressing but essential for someone who is UNABLE to think and make decisions rationally and realistically because of a terrible disease which is progressively causing her to rely on the care of others.

You have found the best placement you could.p, and now it’s time to let her become adjusted to her caregivers.

“6 hours a day” may be much too much time to spend with her, especially if she is still able to blame you for her placement. Adjustment to change for a person with dementia may take months, not days or weeks, and your presence for extended periods of time may be making the process harder for her rather than easier.

You are caring for TWO, your wife and yourself, and as you see her adjust, you WILL be able to relax and trust her placement. Be SURE that you are treating yourself well. She WILL get “upset”, but the staff in her residence will know how to keep her as comfortable and peaceful as possible, and will NOT judge you negatively for your decision to place her.

She needs to adjust to the “rhythm” of her care and her caregivers. She is used to her previous routine, and needs to recognize new faces and surroundings as familiar.

I’ve been the “go-to” relative for aging family members for 50 years, and
I won’t lie to you, placing a Loved One is never easy, but as you see her respond to her new routine, she WILL adjust, and so will you.

The next time you go to her residence, ask the social worker or head of nursing or floor supervisor how often you should visit and how long your visits should be, and do what they recommend.

Again- BE GOOD TO YOURSELF. And be at peace with your care plan for her. You’ve made the best choice you could to provide a new life of comfort and safety for her when you were confronted with a situation that had no “happy” choices.

I really feel for you. But no one wants to get old, get dementia, become dependent on others, or be placed in a facility. You did not fail her. You did not “do this to her.” She got to the point where it had to happen. You did what you had to do and it’s not your fault. I strongly recommend you limit your visits to an hour or two at the most. Best wishes.

I am sorry about this, dementia is a cruel disease.

One thing I might suggest is cutting back on your visits so that your wife can acclimate herself to her new home. There are other people there that she can talk to.

There is an adjustment time for both of you. You need time away from her so that you can get your new life in order as well.

Her brain is broken, this is not your fault, she will continue to get worse.

Sending support your way, keep posting it will help.

It sounds like it's time to reevaluate your situation. If spending 6 hours a day is causing you and her such stress, then it's time to cut back and allow your wife to adjust better to her surroundings and the folks caring for her, and time for you to start taking better care of yourself.
Sadly with your wife having dementia, she will get only worse not better, and she's right where she needs to be receiving the 24/7 care she requires, and safe. I hope in some small way that brings you some peace of mind, knowing that your wife is safe and taken care of.
Why don't you try just going every other day for a while and maybe for just 3 hours/day instead of 6, and see if that doesn't help you both?
That will allow you time for yourself to do some of the things that you enjoy, and help rejuvenate your soul so you can continue on this journey with your wife, and it will allow your wife to become more dependent on others at her facility as well.
You're doing a great job, so don't waste time beating yourself up over the situation. You didn't cause it, and you're doing the very best you can. That is all any of us can do.
God bless you.

It sounds counterintuitive, but cutting back on visits helps her to adjust. It may take a while, so don't make any assumptions about a timeline. It will happen eventually.

Is she on any meds for depression or anxiety? If not, please discuss with her primary doc.

Dementia robs people of their reason, logic and empathy so she can't work out that she needs to be where she is, and she is not able to care what her complaining is doing to you emotionally. Therefore, you need to step back to protect and preserve yourself. You have lots of company on this forum who have "been there and done that"!

Your visits are NOT helping her.
Stop making them so frequent and so long.
She sees you as a means of escape.
This is stopping her adjustment.
As for a visit with the admins about your wife. Ask them to evaluate how she is without you there versus how she is with you there.
If she is ALWAYS agitated then it is time for some doc visits and medication.
If she is better without you there then, much as this will hurt you, time to withdraw some of the visits that may be exacerbating her condition.
So very sorry for all you are BOTH going through.

I too think 6 hrs is too long for both of you. People who suffer from Dementia get overwhelmed easily. You presence could be a trigger. I found mornings are busy in a NH. Maybe have lunch with her. If there are activities have her join in and then walk out. I started going just before dinner. If Mom did not see food in front of her, she would not stay seated. So I kept her busy till the aide told me to bring her to the dining room. Then I left Mom to eat.

A visit of six hours a day prevents your wife from meeting other residents and participating in activities. Try limiting how long you stay. I visit my parents who are both in the same NH every day for the months I visit. However I stay no more than an hour and schedule it just before lunch so I know I have a leaving time.

I go mostly to check how things are going, how the staff is treating them and if there’s anything they need or would like me to bring. It’s not really to provide company.

my mother complains incessantly about being there also. She also feels she is in prison. I’m hoping it will get better for her in time. Unfortunately she does not have dementia. I actually wish she did, it would be easier for her to adjust.

My visits to mom in Memory Care Assisted Living brought out the WORST in her. She'd have foul things to say to me every single time, and that would cause my anxiety levels to go thru the roof. I'd dread those visits because I knew what was coming. Blaming me for her disease, her age, her lot in life, the fact that I "put" her in Memory Care in the first place when there was NOTHING wrong with her, and yada yada. Ramblings of a diseased mind though they were, her words cut like a knife and were causing me mental anguish and burn out.

Why is the life of our loved one more important than our own? Where did we come up with such a notion? Why are you sitting with your wife for 6 hours a DAY listening to nothing but complaints and accusations, at your own expense?

You did not place her in the nursing home to continue dealing with THIS level of stress, my friend. She's being cared for right where she's at w/o your help or presence for 6 hours per day. I suggest you cut back your visits a little at a time, say by 1 hour each over a 2 week period, so you're eventually visiting for 1 hour a pop. Then cut the days back to every other day, making sure to get in plenty of R & R for yourself on you days off. Elders with dementia fare poorly ANYWAY with long visits, they cannot handle it.

I visited my mother 1x per week for an hour. If she started carrying on, I'd leave and I'd tell her why, too. Because I am not putting up with your foul words mom. I'll come back when you're in a BETTER MOOD.

Your life matters too. All this stress is very bad for you. What if you were to die, God forbid? Then who would visit your wife? Make a concerted effort to take your own health into consideration here, ok?

Your visits are much too long for both of you. It's preventing her from adjusting to her new normal. And it's causing you a lot of unnecessary stress. Stress is very harmful and the damage can take years to repair.

And do you really want these to be your memories of your wife?

Start cutting back on the number of hours you visit and how frequently. Do it for both your sakes. Find something else to do with your time that will help *you* adjust to your new normal.

Sadly, in a way she is. As an example, the facility I'm at, the smoking residents have 4 designated times to smoke. They all line up at the door to be "taken out" for their half hour smoking break, then back in to wait for the next time.

Wishing you peace during this transitional time in your life. Please take care of your physical and emotional well being. Speak with a therapist if you are feeling overwhelmed.

Your wife is exactly where she needs to be. Congratulate yourself for being a responsible husband. You were wise to find a suitable nursing home for your wife.

Know that you are not responsible for her being sad about being placed in a nursing home.

Speak with the staff to see if they can help you in any way to make her as comfortable as possible.

Join an in person caregiver group if possible. I did this and it really helps to communicate with others who have similar experiences.

Continue to be a member of this forum. There are many posters here who are happy to share their experiences with you.

I did the same thing, but more. I spent ALL day with my husband who has Parkinson's and dementia and then my daughter came after work and stayed until he was almost asleep. Our reasons made it necessary, and he was only there for a little while for rehab relatively speaking, after a hospital stay.

But, having said that, I arrived late one day and found that he had used the wheelchair to leave his room (he wasn't allowed to use the walker without someone with him) and was in the common room with other residents (long term folks). When I came off the elevator, they saw me first and called across the room Where have you been? You're late! It was funny, but more importantly, my arriving later than usual gave him a chance to venture out without me and meet some others. They seemed to genuinely be glad to have him among them and knew which room he was in so could have helped him get back if staff were busy. After that, I did start going in later in the morning. And I sat and talked with them which they loved as many had no visitors.

She will adjust, and it might even hurt a bit; I know I felt a twinge when he was OK without me there. I still wouldn't leave him in that particular facility alone too much. I knew things before he went there and saw and heard more while he was there. Because it was short term rehab for him - they do have long term nursing care - we left him there, I attended PT sessions (they were great!) and conversed with staff continuously (getting meds in a timely way was another story). There are wonderful facilities around and should he ever have to go into MC, I would make arrangements with one of them.

But know that she will adjust, staff and other residents will work on it.

Hello overworked old85male,

Your feelings certainly are understandable.
My heart goes out to you.
Your wife will never be happy so you need to consider how to 'reset' your feelings and responses. I suggest:

1. While you may not want to, I would suggest that you 'pull back' from visiting 6 hours a day. This will continue to affect your mental/ psychological/ emotional/ and physical health and well being - thereby limiting you more in being available to support / visit.

2. You need to put your health first: get enough sleep, eat a heatlhy diet, meditate (or spent a few minutes sitting quietly) - clearing your mind of everything.
- Google Rick Hanson. He is a neuro-psychological and has lots of easy-to-include behaviors to re-center, feel relaxed and accepting what is, including your abilities / limitations (you cannot do it all). Plus he offers meditation on-line, which I participate in Wed nights).

I certainly empathize / understand the 'no one else visits' as that adds to your stress and perhaps guilt. I went through this. It is extremely unpleasant and extremely exhausting.

What I did_____________
I reaced out to a volunteer organization (LITA) to obtain visitors.
I'd recommend that you also contact your local church, and college: Contact the dept heads (counseling, nursing, geriatrics) of these depts.
Sometimes, students can get credit for visiting. Your wife may not want visitors although insist. They can just 'sit there' quietly if she doesn't initially want to interact.

Find ways for you to relax / renew.
You are in a high level stressful situation to manage (I don't need to tell you that though).

I presume you are 85 by your name. You need to find some moments of JOY for yourself, even if a few moments a day.

Exercise______________
Can you do some exercise: walking, swimming, hiking? Get the energy out somehow. Or if you do already, do a little more.
Fun__________________
Socialize with friends, neighbors and/or make new friends.
Facility support________
Talk to the social worker or administrator. See what or how they could support you to support your wife. These issues/concerns/behaviors are not new to them-utilize whatever resources they have available.
Spiritual support_______
Pray, meditate, go to church or whatever might support your well-being. For me, it is in nature. Although I joined Rick's Wed night meditation Zoom meetings which are very helpful)

Lastly, you need to learn to 'let go' of her blaming you for being 'in prison.'
Be patient with yourself. This is retraining / reframing your automatic behavior / thinking respond.

She will not change as she cannot, cognitively. Plus, she is scared and needs someone she feels safe with to blame. That is you. So you need to 'hear it through her lens (brain).

When she starts in and you hear these words:
Reframe them in your mind: She is frightened and scared (shifts you to a place of compassion (which you may already have/do) and respond accordingly:

"I understand that you are upset and do not want to be here. I don't want you to be here either." Then stop.

Do not go into more as she will want to argue and make you (more).
She will not understand the 'reasons' why she DOES need to be in a NH.
Going down that road will only deplete you/r energy and increase your frustration.

Perhaps try short (or long) terms therapy for yourself.
You need an advocate and a professional might be very helpful.

I send you a supportive hug.

Gena / Touch Matters

Giving yourself breaks/rests will allow you some time to think about the situation, spending six hours a day, that's a lot of hours by the way to be "yelled" at ,it isn't a job anyone would do willingly, it will do you some good to take a bit of time back for yourself, also it might be that spending that much time there a day could be wearing both you and your spouse down this isn't your fault but you might need to reconsider how long you should stay for.

As others have said. Six hrs a day is too, too much. Your life matters too. Six hrs. is a big chunk of a day. For anyone.

You are a nervous wreck cause maybe somewhere in your mind you believe you are responsible. But you are not. You could stay there 24 hrs. a day and she would still not be happy. Shorten your visits and live your life.

Just out of curiosity why are you her only visitor. Did she not nurture other relationships in her life? If she didn't that's not your fault either. Be kinder to yourself.

.

This may make you laugh a little.

One of the boisterous residents is on her tear again. She's upset about getting into her room and about her blanket.

She yelled at the nurse or aide ( not sure). "Give her back her blanket you dumb b'''h". This coupled with the other female resident not wanting to go to bed at midnight last night. Today is her shower day which she has refused before, so it's been a few days since her last shower. Just another day at the SNF 🙂

When my Dh has been hospitalized for long lengths of time (liver transplant, heart attacks, major motorcycle accident)..he wanted me at the hospital 24/7.

Luckily for me, his drs were adamant that I not spend more than about 8 hrs a day at the hospital--and to take 24hr breaks and not see him at all. (I'd always call him--no matter what..so it's not like I left him alone completely!)

I'd dutifully be at the hospital at 8 am or earlier, only to spend the entire day watching him sleep. Then in the evening, I'd pack up my sewing or knitting and he'd suddenly come to life and beg me to stay overnight. The Drs MADE me go home. What use would I be if I were so sleep deprived I couldn't see straight?

And my being at the hospital was useless--he'd have PT, then he'd go back to sleep. He had to be wakened for meals. It was crazy.

I reached out to friends, family and members of our church community and scheduled out visit times. That helped a lot. I could take a 4 hr shift, go home and take care of the house, or even nap--and know he wasn't alone.

Yes, he was angry and he would tell anyone who came to visit that I basically had left him alone to fend for himself. To his way of thinking, I did nothing for him. I remember one morning, coming in at 7:30 am and he was still asleep, so I set up my 'corner' of the room and started in on knitting. He didn't wake until noon when a nurse came in. He said to the nurse, "See, I TOLD you my wife wouldn't be here 'on time'. The nurse looked at him and said "Your wife is right behind you and has been there for more than 4 hours. You make her come up here sit to watch you sleep?" Dh was furious, but he had only himself to blame.

He was a much better patient when I was NOT there--your wife will adapt better if you are not there all the time.

Your life, as it was, is now over and is changing a great deal. Be gentle with yourself and practice self care. I didn't do a very good job at that and paid the price.

It is sad to lose a LO, piece by piece, but know you are not alone in this. Most of us on this forum are dealing with this in some measure. It's not easy or fun.

I hope you can reach out to friends and family and get out and do things independently.

This is where the TV may come into play.(no pun) Tune in to comedies like The Office(Michael Scott) and 2 1/2 Men (Charlie Sheen). Both shows are good for laughs and to help lessen your anxiety.

Christmas episodes of both shows brought the laughs 😆

I would cut the time down to 2 hrs. You can do it gradually or all at once. I really don't think she'd be in any more pleasant mood if you spent less time there. I go to my mother in the evening...around dinner time. I help feed her, do her mouth care, take home laundry, bring a couple new outfits. She just keeps telling me she hates and despises me, punches me. I had her more well managed at home. She didn't do any punching at home for a long time and I knew if she did, it was because she didn't get the meds. At the SNF, she refuses her calming meds a lot. A lot of things get on my nerves about the SNF. I probably got to learn to pick the things that bother me about the place and let go other things. Otherwise, I'll drive myself crazy....which is not hard to do. Getting back to you, concentrate on a hobby or do your house chores until about dinner time...then you go spend a couple hours. If you want to just go for lunch, or accompany her to one of the activities, that's fine, too. You can also take a day off, if you choose. Good luck...I hope your wife adjusts better to the place and you find some comfort with the change as well. Hugs

Here's a true story of the lady who cried wants to die, etc. She likes to push her call light several times a day for the least little things. If she gets a new aide look out because she is going to test her or him with the light.

She might have met her match with 3 aides. The one young female meets her word for word, the male is not too gentle putting her to in bed; now tonight, the sweet funny mature lady, put her in her place 😆.

As a side note, passed by the shower room, a female resident in a wheelchair had the door open, and b''''ed about passing by the room, (she is definitely not hot, so little worry on a male resident would be interested) so she did what she should have done all along, CLOSED THE DOOR.

To the OP, instead of your wife complaining to you, try to make the best of the situation and have some "fun".

My husband has been in memory care for 3 weeks. I visited every day at the beginning, but only for an hour or two, and this week I skipped two days. I have been consumed with guilt, but my psychotherapist reminds me that he was not happy before he entered memory care, and my visiting is not going to make him happy now, and that the only happiness I can control is my own. You are clearly a loving husband. My heart goes out to you.

Can you take her out to lunch, to see a movie, to visit a park, to church/synagogue/mosque/temple? I did these things with my husband as long as he could get in and out of my car. I also took him to his own doctor, dentist, and optometrist, the salon owned by the hair stylist who visited the nursing home 2x/week saw clients. We had some experiences, though. One Christmas Eve I took him to church and said, "Just do what I do. Stand up, sit down, kneel when I do. Sing the Christmas carols if you want." When was time to take the Eucharist, he said to the extraordinary minister of the Eucharist with the chalice of wine, "Yuk! I hate wine!"

1. Six hours a day is too long....for you and her. As well meaning as you are and probably you are trying to accommodate her anxiety, guilt projecting behaviors, Reduce your visits, the number of visits and the time per visit. Set up a schedule of say every other day for 1-2 hours... maximum. You are placing yourself in an unhealthy expectation of visits as you are presently .

Fewer visits and shorter visits also let's the patient adjust to the facility, build trust and relationships with the staff, which is greatly needed.

Her behaviors and resistance to being in NH is not unusual; it is actually quite common. And when you are there she is using you as her pounding board to provoke guilt, try to gain control etc. have her referred to a counselor in the facility, sometime this is a licensed social worker and/ or chaplain or a Geriatric Specialist who can help her with her anxiety, grief etc

Get yourself a trusted coun, perhaps a pastor if you practice a faith or other counselor who will help you process this change in life which can surely be monumental. See your PCP, ask for their referral for your counseling and emotional, spiritual support, before it all causes you physical decline.

And, if your wife is cognitively appropriate, you can share with her ahead of time these changes ( which she will also fight most likely) and let her know that when you do visit, if she starts blaming, arguing, guilt tripping, that you will have to leave as this is unhealthy for both of you.

At the age of 75, I had to learn a whole new way of interacting with my 86 year old husband. With multiple morbidities and dementia, I could no longer care for him. Beginning with a month in rehab and another month in Assisted living memory care, he experienced delerium, near total inability to care for himself, and parkinsons disease dementia. I was his trigger. He focused his anger and frustration on me. I spent between 3 and 4 hours every day with him. The first time I left in tears after a particularly verbally abusive...and an attempt at physical abuse (only interrupted because he was so weak and impaired), I vowed to never allow the abuse again. And I didn't. When it was clear that he was combative, argumentative and critical after I arrived, I lovingly said "you know, it's pretty clear I'm causing some distress today. I'm leaving now and I'll be back in the morning. I love you. (cheek kiss) Goodbye." or "It seems like you are having a bad day. I'll leave you alone and come back in the morning." The first few times, it hurt me, and I still left crying. It got easier. I had to constantly 'self-talk' ..."he's safe. He is well-cared for". He died on December 22, 2023. I know I gave him my total love and support until the end...and still protected my emotional spirit. We were married 38 years. You can do it too.

old85male: It is imperative that you take care of yourself. Your wife is being cared for in the nursing home, but no one is taking care of you, quite possibly not even yourself. Perhaps you should cut back on the amount of time that you spend with her as six hours is a LOT.

You've been given so many great answers, and I just want to insert a bit about the emotional side of placing a spouse into a facility. My husband (only 64 years old, but he's had two strokes) has been in a skilled nursing facility since May '23. He will likely never come home. It's been emotionally draining for me, so I started searching for resources. Here is one I found that helped me -- It's called "Breaking Up and a New Beginning When One’s Partner Goes into a Nursing Home: An Interview Study" (mdpi.com) It's from a study that was done in Sweden about the emotions a caregiver spouse goes through when placing their spouse into a facility. It hit home for me and helped me understand better that the emotions I was feeling are real and very normal. (Looks like the link didn't work, so you may need to look it up.) Best wishes as you navigate this new experience -- it's a challenge.

[As for me, I have to still work so I can't be there all day with him as he would like. I was out of town for 10 days in July and came back to find he'd make a lot of new friends! Yay! Now I visit most days for an hour or two, sometimes longer, but I take a day or two off a week and it really is good for my mental health.]