I'm driving my pop (dad) up a wall! Any advice?

Question

I'm driving my pop (dad) up a wall! Any advice?

Follow

Share

I am 58 and moved in with my parents last year to keep them under the same roof if it is possible. My mom was diagnosed with dementia four years ago and her care had surpassed what my Pop (God bless him) could provide.

So here I am.

The first six months were fantastic; it almost seemed too good to be true. We worked like a well-oiled machine.

Now 13 months later, I'm driving my Pop crazy, and that's driving ME crazy! When he asks me to do something, I always elaborate on his idea and offer to do something more. Basically, I hijack his perfectly good ideas. I can tell I'm deflating his spirit and it breaks my heart. 😔

What is wrong with me?! I may not be able to provide my Pop the same support I'm providing my mom, but I can show him respect and encourage him. Geez.

I lived alone, dedicating my time to primarily work for 25 years before I moved in with my parents. I am on FMLA now and will likely leave my position altogether at the end of 2022. I remind myself that I've given up some important things when the critical stick comes out and I start to wallop myself.

I can certainly use some practical advice. I'm grateful for this forum and look forward to your honest feedback and insight. How do I make this adjustment without hurting anyone along the way?

Family Caregiver Multi-generational Living Parents Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

24 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Could it be that you are bored to tears? Your devotion to your parents doesn’t give you enough to think about, so you turn every comment into a springboard for elaboration? Good intentions may not mean that you are making the right choices for the three of you.

Just for example, if your parents went to Senior Living or Assisted Living, you could still provide a lot of care to your mother, your father could have more interests, they would still be under the same roof, and you could keep your job.

Helpful Answer (11)

Report

Thank you for this. Something to consider...

(0)

Report

WHY are you giving up those important things?

Butt out a bit. Find your father some reliable respite care and agency back up to use when he needs a break, and then leave him in peace.

And don't be sniffy or passive aggressive about doing this. Be honest with your Dad and encourage the same from him. Tell him you want to be there to support him but instead you're crowding and disabling him, and you (both, all) need to revisit the boundaries.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

Thank you. This helps and gives me permission to consider different choices.

(0)

Report

Might be time to take your life back, get a job, your parents can have a good life in AL, their own apartment, dining room, activities interfacing with people their own age.

Giving up your life at such a young age makes no sense to me, why?

Helpful Answer (10)

Report

I think you said it all right here: "I lived alone, dedicating my time to primarily work for 25 years before I moved in with my parents." You have now dedicated your entire life to your parents, and dad doesn't need that from you. He's asking you for something simple, and you feel compelled to give him something complicated b/c you have nothing else to occupy your headspace, and that's what the problem seems to be. Your parents shouldn't be a 'project' to occupy your time, but something you do FOR them with your time, if that makes sense. You need to do something fulfilling for YOU that has nothing to do with caregiving, but is entirely devoted to your wellbeing and nourishment. Perhaps then you won't feel driven to go 'above and beyond' for dad.

Life should be a balance, where you do for yourself AND for others. If you're just doing for your parents and not yourself, the scale is tipped too far in one direction whereby your soul is starved and needing fulfillment of its own to function.

There's nothing 'wrong with you' per se, just that the scale is too heavy on one side and your head is screaming at you WHAT GIVES SISTER? :)

Wishing you the best of luck striking that balance in your life now.

Helpful Answer (12)

Report

and that balance point is always moving, at least for me.
It does seem that the OP would benefit from having a job or other commitment that engages her brain and energy and provides a sense of accomplishment. Elder care is the one job where the more you need to do for your loved one increases over time and the level of positive reinforcement/appreciation expressed decreases.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

Good Morning,

Do your parents realize how lucky they are to have you for a daughter?

It starts out everything is A-1 but the longer it goes on sometimes things will have to be done on a "good enough" basis.

Pat yourself on the back...I'm even planning now who is worthy of a Christmas card and am streamlining my list--not just for the increased cost of stamps but for my time.

As time goes on caregiving you are going to have to set boundaries, say no to invitations and stayed centered. You may not be thanked but you should give yourself more credit. Stay the course...

Also, one morning a week respite may not be a bad idea for all parties involved since sooner or later one of the parent's will out live the other.

Sounds like you are a newbie to this. You will know what make sense for your personal situation. We can all learn from one another.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Perhaps less obsessive control to others around you might alleviate some of the tension. You do not seem to be a good candidate for 24/7 caregiving. It requires much flexibility which you struggle with.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

well, gosh darn it...this is an easy answer. 😉
You know what you are doing that drives him up a wall. So stop doing it.
I know, easier said than done.
It is a good possibility that you both need a break from each other and from caregiving.
Have you ever worked at a job for over a year and not taken a vacation? I bet not.
Tell dad to take a break, hire a caregiver that can come in and help you while dad takes a bit of time for himself. Then when dad returns you do the same.
Is mom on Hospice? If so Medicare, Medicaid, and other insurance will cover, pay for Respite each year for caregivers. So if she is on Hospice talk to the Social Worker. And if she is not on Hospice PLEASE consider getting her evaluated and see if she qualifies for it. You will get all the equipment and supplies you need to safely care for her as well as the support of a Nurse that will come weekly, a CNA that will come a couple times a week and other staff like a Chaplain, Social Worker and therapies like music and art might be available. And you can request a Volunteer that can come and spend time with mom each week so you can get some "me" time.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Your Dad is fading into the background and he is feeling it. You came to help and took over his domain. If he has an idea, do what he asks for, don't embellish. Ask for his input when making decisions. Give him space to do things for himself; and by all means do things outside the home yourself. No one asked you to give up your life or your job - and in years to come you will be feeling resentment for doing so. Hire some part time care so you and Pop can share a movie, a trip to the park, to the racetrack, or whatever he used to enjoy doing. It's a simple fix as soon as you recognize that your Dad is still a useful, productive human being who just needed a support person, not a take-over.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Nothing wrong with you. The “honeymoon period” lasted 6 months and ended. No surprise there.

You gave up your home and the identity that comes with it. Your job — and the identity that comes with it — likely ends this year. You’re catering to mom and dad has a to do list — but just do it his way or he’s upset.

Pethaps that well oiled 6 months was you not realizing how much of you was disappearing to the “parents first, caregiver last” mentality that seems common. I suspect your elaborating is your way of putting your identity, your thumbprint on a project to make what is now your home too feel like YOUR home too.

Does dad treat you like the permanent guest: stay with me in my house with my personal decor and my lifestyle and do everything I want to do and do it my way? Or do they acknowledge this is your home (even if it’s not your house)?

Since it’s now your home, of course you want to be more than an unpaid grunt who has no opinions and no right to make the home suit both your sensibilities.

Seems like you had a good relationship with your dad.
Can you tell him it’s not about dismissing his ideas as inadequate but making your home feel like your home? So you can say “here’s what we/I envisioned and accomplished” and be proud of the results?

Can you find other outlets for your creativity and to maintain your identity?

PS. Or I’m all wrong and you’re bossy and just want to have things your way.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

My advice is don't give up your life, go back to work at least part-time, that will give your dad some space. You can still be there for him if he needs you, but you don't need to do everything for him. Go out with friends, enjoy life outside of your parents, then come back and just be with them.
You also need to sit down with your dad and let him know that you plan do all of this, that you know you are making mistakes and are driving him and yourself crazy. Offer to take some steps back and let him decide what he needs you to help him with in the care of your mother.
It could be that after the first 6 months, things has calmed down and with your help he now has a handle on things and only needs your help with certain things. This is another topic that you need to sit down and talk with your father about as well.
Communication is very important between you and your father with how to handle the care of your mother. So is listening to your father, I mean really listening to what he wants, needs from you. Don't over look his needs as well, maybe he needs to get out and visit with his friends, go golfing(if that is what he likes to do), just to get away and come back refreshed.
I hope this helps!
Sherry196

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Thank you, Sherry. Earlier this week I apologized to my Pop for hijacking his ideas. I also let him know I'm trying to temper my words. He gets it. My parents have been very forgiving.

You are right about me over looking my Pop's needs. I see that I do that. I'm working on that too.

Thank you for your help.

(0)

Report

I think you’re being really hard on yourself. A big hat’s off for giving up your life to help your parents! It sounds like you’ve been an eager caregiver and have been working hard.

I guess it comes down to picking your battles. Let your Dad have some wins, especially with unimportant things.

I think maybe the more important question is what is the long-term plan when your Mom’s care may surpass both of your ability to help her.

Like others, I’m wondering about AL or some kind of serious living plan for your parents. If not, are you willing to sacrifice your life for them for many years?

Sending a virtual hug.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

Thank you so much, Kristen. You nailed it about giving my Pop "wins". This has been my mantra over the past week: "Let him win".

"Picking your battles" is another good guide. I've not been married but I'm learning so many wise lessons about sharing life with others. I'm "maturing up", even at 58. 😊 I guess it's never too late.

Sending a hug in return. ~ VV

(2)

Report

Sounds a bit like OCDC ..... and that can drive most people mad. You want to do the best that you are asked to do but.......... then you decide to do a bit more and hijack the idea. It's a compulsive thing but if you analyze your response, you can guide and control it. For example.... Dad asked me to change the light bulb in the lamp but now I'm noticing that the windows could use a bit of a wash. But now instead of changing the light bulb and washing the windows... you just change the bulb like Dad asked. At some point during the day you casually remark, "hey Dad when you have a chance could you glance at the windows in the room when we changed the light bulb? Tell me if you think they need to be cleaned. If so, we will schedule a cleaning date." So instead of going above and beyond you have changed the dynamics. You did what Dad asked and are now asking his opinion on the possibility of another project (that you really wanted to do) but only if he thinks he needs it.

It is also important to make time for yourself. Do you have friends from work or other social activities? If so.... don't lose track of them. Reach out and keep in touch ( but keep that compulsive streak under control even with friends). How about hobbies? Got any? Got anything that you always wanted to do but never quite had time for? Painting, photography, pottery, reading or writing, historical research... the family genealogy? The list goes on and you can always ask Dad to critique whatever it is that you are doing. That will make him feel great!

It is possible that in the future, one or both parents will need placement in a setting that supplies more healthcare and activities than you can within the home environment; you and Dad can start to have talks and research that now when you are not under pressure. You can also investigate some of the care that is available under hospice if you parents choose to remain at home.

Having said all that, I think you are a wonderful person to step up and help your parents. They are lucky to have you in their lives and they know it. Keep doing what you are doing..... just don't lose yourself in the process. Now that would make Dad very unhappy.
Hugs and peace!

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This is super helpful, geddyupgo. You are right; I can be a bit OCD, especially when I'm not staying purposefully busy. Some call it OCD; I like to call it "driven to be productive". The two are the same...which can make me hard to live with at times.

Thank you again. Most of my hobbies and activities before I moved in with my folks were outdoors and took blocks of time...a luxury I had when I lived alone. I am trying to discover new interests. Your message is a good reminder.

(0)

Report

Age 58 is too young to stop working unless you have sufficient money to support yourself. You are 7 years away from Medicare and at least 9 years from full Social Security benefits. If you continue working, more will be paid into Social Security your cannot afford to lose. It may be time to place your mom into a care facility.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Thank you for your feedback, Patathome. I appreciate it.

(0)

Report

Would dad enjoy getting out to the local senior center?
Is your work skill set one that fits with remote work so you can 'be there' for mom and dad can get out of the house for a while?
You are wise to identify the way that this tension has developed recently needs attention.
And be gentle as you can be with yourself, and each other. everyone means well. And each person needs to feel that they have a reason for being here.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I loved, "Each person needs to feel that they have a reason for being here." That is so true. Thank you, Clairesmum.

(0)

Report

What will your financial future be if you stop working at the end of the year? What will you do for health insurance?

What is the financial situation of your parents? Suppose they need more care than you are able to provide...then what? Can they afford in-home help? A facility?

You have two out-of-state siblings. Sometimes we read in this forum that the children who do nothing end up inheriting more than the caregiver sibling, who can get less or, sometimes, nothing (because they got free room and board, which is nuts).

Who has POA/HCPOA for your parents?

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Thank you for these thoughtful questions, CTTN55. I'm happy to report my folks have prepared financially for this season. One of our "disagreements" has been their desire to compensate me and my insistence on caring for them without compensation. I know ours is an extremely fortunate case re: finances. I don't think about inheritance. I'd prefer we spend their money on making this season of their lives as enjoyable/comfortable as possible. God has always provided enough for me, and they worked hard for what they have. I AM living here rent free which is a tremendous gift. THAT has allowed me to decrease my work hours.

I am also on their banking/credit card/investment accounts, and we meet with their financial planner at least once a year. She has been very kind and has offered to advise me on my own finances (for free) should something occur. My folks' finances are in good hands.

Thank you again. This is helpful!

(0)

Report

“Dad I love you so much, you know that right? For the last 13 months I have been trying to help you and mom and I can see your appreciation, it means a lot to me. I am also sure there are other times when I annoyed you, it’s only normal. We are two adults with our own way of doing things so Let’s talk about how I was helpful and when I annoyed you a little. We’ll agree there is no right or wrong here, just different views on how to tackle problems. I know you love me and Before we talk could you give me a great big hug? Please?

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

Thank you for your tender response, Robert. It is sweet.

(0)

Report

Before you sacrifice your "golden years," please get yourself a great financial planner to assist you in placing your parents and securing your future. Please ask the most financially successful person you know or an attorney to refer you to a wise financial planner.

Then, please contact an Elder Law Attorney to help you place your parents in one facility, where they can live, but maybe not together. I'm guessing Dad would like to meet other people and visit Mom as much as he wants without being overwhelmed.

You can love your parents and still be your own person. Give your parents and yourself the gift of freedom.

Helpful Answer (5)

Report

Why?

(0)

Report

See 1 more reply

I am writing a book on caregiving, and the second chapter covers this. This is their home. Find your boundaries and keep them. For us, we wanted to fix Daddy's house up and paint etc... But, we had to make sure it's what he wanted to do. So we suggested, left it up to him, and when he was ready, we made it a family project. He puts a filter over his coffee, instead of under it, so as much as it pained me, I said, "Good idea" (even though he said it every time I made coffee).
Your Dad needs to get out of the house; make his own friends. You can take care of Mom while Dad is enjoying his life. You can help with Mom, but as far as the rest goes, it is his home. When Dad has got it covered, get out and enjoy your own life. You need to get out and get a job or some kind of hobby as well. Know your boundaries. You are there to help with mom.
Obviously, they don't need as much help right now as you have been giving. No wonder you are all up in each other's stuff! Pull back for now, offer help or advice when asked for. Ask their advice as well. Believe me, this doesn't go uphill from here, but slides down gradually. And. believe me, there will come a time when they will need you full time, and you don't want to be burned out.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Thank you, Ella. I appreciate your feedback.

(0)

Report

VVinAshland: In my honest opinion, perhaps you are overthinking this. I.e. dad says "Mom wants a piece of toast with margarine for breakfast" and you suggest a five course breakfast, maybe you could just okay dad's direction. I am not attempting to make light of your question. Make life easier for all three involved. Best of luck.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Yes! I'm trying to remember to make every day a "Yes!" day, unless something isn't in their best interest. When my Pop suggests something I am about to hijack, I'm reminding myself, "Let him win."

Thank you, Llamalover.

(1)

Report

See 1 more reply

When I became my mother's caregiver (she was 89 years old then and had the beginning stages of dementia), she mentioned to me that I was being bossy. I thought about it and it was true. I also had a hard time learning to accept her occasional goofy ideas and go with them. If you're not able to learn to back off with your father to give him space and respect (as you so well put it), perhaps you should seek advice from caregiving support groups or even therapy to smooth out the relationship. It's very difficult transitioning from child, to independent adult, to caregiver for your parents - both for you and your parents. There are many years of baggage. You'll have to learn a lot about the stages of dementia (for your mother), and the stages of aging (for your father). Get connected with a local social worker to discuss their options (and yours) for care, given their finances. You have to give yourself time for breaks so that you don't burn out as a caregiver. The anger may be partly due to burnout. Have you taken time off in the 13 months that you've been there? If your mother needs constant care, perhaps she (and your father) are eligible for part-time in-home caregivers. Get them the Medical Alert necklaces or bracelets if they will be alone while you are out. Also plan for the possibility that their care may become too much for you to do alone, if both get to the point where they need more care. The two basic options for them are in-home caregivers (in addition to you), or moving to an assisted living/memory care faccility. Make sure their paperwork is in order so that you can take over as power of attorney for medical and financial matters. They should also have living wills with their advance medical directives and wills, if they have assets. It may be too late for your mother to do this, if she is no longer able to sign legal papers. All the best to you all! And be proud of yourself for taking on this responsibility for your parents.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

This is very helpful, NancyIS. We just started talking about "family business" last night. This is something my Pop and I will be able to work on together. I will need him to help me organize their information in case something happens and he isn't able to make decisions. It will give me a chance to applaud all he has done.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.

(0)

Report

It's very hard not to over manage. You see the problems they don't see but it's still their life if they are of sound mind.

It's also hard not to get frustrated with them. I've snapped at my father more than a few times. I don't agree with his politics, his way of thinking, a lot of other things and I can't stand Fox News.

I can't imagine living with him. Two strong-willed people is a recipe for disaster.

So, do what you can, it's the best you can do.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Thank you for this, someguy. I hate to admit it; I've said a couple things to my Pop out of frustration. I think I've apologized more to my folks in the last year of living here than I did in my whole lifetime before. I remind myself that he is losing his wife a little more everyday. Sometimes this helps me find compassion for and patience with him...but not always! I just keep trying.

You're right about both of us being strong-willed. Thank you again.

(1)

Report

Wow sounds like you are a selfless, great person, who cares deeply...I think the hardest part of this road we are on as caregivers is how hard we are on ourselves. We cant fix it all...I have similar situation with my hubby...there are things he cant safely do anymore and its a dance to care for them, keep them safe, and not destroy their ego and their self esteem in the process... Is there any chance that you and your Pop could go out to dinner or for an ice cream, just the 2 of you, and someone sit with Mom for awhile...that would give him some one on one time with you and keep your bond strong...its obvious from your words how much you love them...Prayers and hugs.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

This is such a sweet message, gramela. Thank you for your kindness.

(1)

Report

When was your last break from caregiving?
have you taken a couple of weeks for a vacation away?

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

When you elaborate on his original idea, can you add in your part later as if you got it from him? Just give him all the credit, even where you got the idea.
Remind him that you inherited his good looks and had a lifetime of his great advice is why you’re so dang good at it 😉

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

This is fantastic advice, Mjustice. Thank you.

(0)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

I'm driving my pop (dad) up a wall! Any advice?

24 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions