I honestly don't know what to do because I've told her multiple times that I don't feel comfortable with some of the things she does, for example touching/holding my face, but it’s like she doesn't even listen to what I have to say. Later, the same situation happens again, and I get annoyed and angry that she does it again over and over. Every time she says I've never told her that before and acts like, since she's my mother, that it's okay and she even lies saying she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. It gets me angry because it keeps happening. It seems like she's listening but if she cared then maybe she should be able to remember how I don't like what she does. I feel like no matter what I say I can't make anything change. Honestly the women most accessible to me are the ones I have difficulty to talk to it's like what I say goes in and out the other ear and then they change the subject. I often feel like my opinions and feelings are invalidated but I don't know what to do when we're supposed to be close. I can't talk about this with my dad because he's close with my grandma. I’ve been trying to be less personal with both my mother and grandmother for that reason. My grandma has been diagnosed with Depression for several years and both my mother and Grandma have narcissistic qualities. I’m currently still young in my 20's and still live with my family. I’m planning on moving out when I’m out of university. Any advice would be appreciated. I am only here because I don't have anybody to talk to about this and can't afford therapy so I'm just asking for advice.
How old are you? How old is she? Does she have dementia? Are you her caregiver?
Please clarify what you mean by dad is close to your grandma. Is grandma your mom’s mother?
Can’t you walk away when your mom approaches you physically? I wouldn’t want my face held either. She is encroaching on your private space.
Walk away, which actually sends a stronger message than words.
What is she taking from you? Can you place a lock on your door?
I have a feeling that there is more to this story. What’s going on here? You can share whatever you like.
Trust me, no one will be shocked by anything that you say. We have all been through various situations as past or current caregivers.
I am really sorry that you’re having a difficult time with your mom.
Remove the hand.
Take two steps backwards out of reach.
The same applies to ANY unwanted physical touching.
Relatives, teachers, co-workers, a Boss, a Faith Leader. Anyone.
And walk away .
Be “ studying “ a lot in your room or out at “ the library “. 😉😉
See if University has free counseling for students . Often they have student counselors there who need to log hours for training . Ask at the student health center.
The other option is get a couple of roommates and rent an apartment near campus.
You can't choose your family but you can choose how much or little you interact with them. Since you are choosing to live in your parents' home (presumably rent-free) I would just make yourself scarce so she can't touch you. Does she have a history of mental illness? Or is she just still treating you like a child? If so, you know what would get her to treat you more like an adult? Move out.
I'm not trying to be cheeky but you've already done everything a normal person would do to get her to respect your boundaries. Since words don't put up a boundary then only physical literal distance will. Can you couch surf at a few friends' places?
I was never buds with my Mom for reasons too numerous to go into here. She's not a monster, just someone very different than me and also did not respect my thoughts or opinions. She lived vicariously through me and my only worth were my accomplishments that allowed her to take credit, my looks, my whatever puffed her up. Then one day she had said to me, "We don't have the kind of Mother-Daughter relationship that I thought we would have." Oh really. And why is that. Maybe it's you. But I actually said, "Gee, I wonder why that is?" And she never brought it up again. She's lived next door to me (she's single and I'm an only). I am now her PoA and caregiver. I'm a happy person who worked on finding worthwhile friends who respect me and a great husband. I try really hard to listen to and respect and understand my 3 adult sons.
"This too shall pass." What is getting you down now is not that bad compared to other stuff that will come your way in life. Find great friends by being a great friend. You get to choose your friends. Then you won't feel so dependent upon your family, since they don't respect you, yet.
You do have to take responsibility for your part in this as well. If you don't want her touching you stay 6 feet away from her at all times.
That should nip the issue right in the bud. It's not rocket science.
Or, would that antagonize her more and she will follow you around?
It would be a natural reaction for me to walk away from her. I would lock my door too.
You are her child who is old enough to go to a university. She should respect you as an adult. Touching is off limits!
You are not her ‘property’ to do anything that she wants with you.
Seriously, walk away. Don’t allow her to march towards you. Shout ‘NO!’ if you need to be more blunt.
When I say walk away, leave the house, if possible!
That's admirable--that you are getting an education, and able to live with family support.
I'm afraid the price to pay for living rent-free MAY be having your face touched with loving hands if you are unable to duck quickly enough! (Hee hee!)
I mean, here we have heard stories of worse abuse.
That Narcissist word that is thrown about so easily makes it seem the entire world is made up of them. Narcissists, however, don't normally wish to touch the faces of family members with love. They tend to touch their own, In front of mirrors.
You are on the cusp of independence.
Sadly, as someone still living at home, you aren't THERE yet.
You will be the day that you move out.
You are having difficulties understanding Mom and Grandmom and even Dad. I suspect if they wrote us they would say "We love her half to death, but we don't understand her".
That's sadly the way of it.
It is very difficult for adults to live together. Whether they do so as parent-child, siblings, spouses, roommates-- whatever-- it is very hard.
So study hard. Get that degree! Move on with your life.
I wish you the very best.
And just as a PS. I am 81. And I OFTEN feel, much I love him, that my 36 years partner "invalidates" my opinion. That is to say, he DISAGREES with it. He's "judgemental". That's to say he sometimes thinks I am a looney. I call that normal. None of us are alike. We each are unique. Nothing reaches perfection. Not everything has a fix.
Cut the parents as much slack as you can, and hope they will do the same for you.
Study hard. Stay out of the way. Help when you can. Knock their socks off by saying "I so appreciate all you do to make me able to concentrate on my education. I love you tons!"
First off, touching your face does not fall under the abuse category, not by a long shot. If these women suffer from dementia, they truly DO NOT remember you telling them not to touch your face. Meaningful communication is not possible with a person suffering from dementia. Read up on the subject and see for yourself.
My advice to you mimics Funkygrandma's.....do not get close enough to mom to where she can touch you. If kissing hello is customary, change your custom at once. And if you "have to" live at home while you attend college, remember you're being done a favor here. I was kicked out of my home at 18 and fending for myself by then, so no signs of love were being shown to me as I worked 2 jobs to afford the rent.
I had three roommates in my apartment when I was young!
We rented a three bedroom and one person crashed on the sofa. It was all any of us could afford at the time.
I lived off of canned soup, canned tuna and peanut butter and jelly for a few years.
No car, a bicycle and bus and streetcar fare. Two jobs and babysitting when I could squeeze it in between work and school.
One of my daughters is practically phobic about anyone other than her DH or her kids touching her.
I'm her MOM and she has set some pretty strict boundaries with me. I know she loves me, but she does NOT do hugs, and goodness--I haven't kissed this kid since she was 10.
Her DH is a snuggler, a big fan of PDA. I find it ironic that she won't even touch me, and her DH is all over her, as are her kids.
I remember once, after a 3 weeks stay with her when they lived in Houston, she dropped me off at the airport. We'd had a little tiff the day before (she said I was driving her crazy--and a lot of other stuff, too, when what I was doing was helping her paint her entire house...it was not a trip of 'fun' for me!)--anyway, I had cried for hours in my room and was still feeling tender the next day. At the airport, I kissed and hugged the babies and said to YD "goodbye. drive safe" and I turned to walk into the terminal. She said "MOM! Stop!" I was ready to cry again, but she walked up to me and gave me a hug. Never apologized for reading me the riot act--but that was probably the last time she touched me.
We all just know that this girl does not like to be touched and we don't try. I am a hugger and I just hug the people in my life who are OK with that.
If you don't like it--keep your physical distance.
There's surely worse things in life that being loved--which is what I suspect your family is showing.
Look inside yourself and ask yourself why this bothers you so much.
If it's something you simply cannot live with, then make the changes to your life so you don't have to be around people you don't want to touch.