My mother controls grandmother's finances and pays me to care for her full time in my home. She won't come over and give me one day off a week after I've asked her repeatedly, and when she doesn't like something she will threaten to dock my pay. When I mention that I never get a day off she says "that's what you get paid for". I literally make about $2 and hour so it's not even about the money. She is trying to control how I care for my grandmother but she won't step in and do much of anything to help. She even recently accused me of "drugging" my grandmother with her own prescription because she was mad at me. I love my grandmother but she has always been a manipulative person and she makes it harder on me than it should be. She also has dementia so I never know if she is lying and manipulating me or not. I am a Christian and I want to honor my mother and grandmother but I really want to tell her to come get her mother because I can't do it anymore. Am I wrong for that? What should I do?
It is apparent to me that your mother wants to maintain the status quo of her being 'caregiver' of the finances but doesn't want one bit of the responsibility for the actual care of her own mother.
You have a talk with your mom and lay out your hand on the table plainly. Tell her that unless she agrees to help out with grandma herself, or use some of the money to pay for hired caregivers to help and give you a break, you will do one of two things.
Either you will call APS (Adult Protective Services) and let them take over the situation.
Or you will drop your grandmother off at a hospital ER and tell them that you are no longer able to and refuse to care for her in your home anymore.
Either way the state will take over then. If your mother takes this as a threat (and she probably will) tell her that it will come to this out of desperation on your part. If she's unwilling to offer you the assistance you need to keep your grandmother in your home then she cannot remain living in your home.
Caregiving responsibilities should not skip a generation. It is your mother who should be doing the care.
Don't wait for your Mother to show up, take Grandma to her.
Talk to them to and tell them you need to live your life. Move out, and have a professional help her.
Also, later, don't get trapped taking care of mom either. She can find her own care.
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
Book by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
If not, start there. It is a life changer - I am not kidding.
I expect your mother's micromanaging arises from her anxiety about her mother, and possibly also some guilt that she isn't doing this herself? - as in "if you want a job done properly, you have to do it yourself."
But so much depends on factors you haven't described - what ages you all are, why your mother has delegated this to you, what your grandmother's main care needs are, how long this has been going on, and why your home was picked on as the best place for your grandmother.
Let's set your getting proper, regular down-time as a first goal. Would you like to say a little more about the situation and let's see if we can get from A to B?
God did not ask us to be doormats. You need to tell Mom the arrangement is not working and she needs to either take grandmom into her home or place her.