Boyfriend has manipulated me to care for his mother with dementia. Incontinent of both bowel and bladder. Resistant to care. Hallucinates constantly. I’m sad, resentful and depressed. He works min of 65 hours weekly up to 80 hours. So I’m with her primarily. She has dementia with behaviors. She’s very difficult to care for or like. If I mention anything about it, he blows up. Should I move out?
Christian does not equal doormat -
Whether you agreed (or not) to care for her, it is okay to step back and say I can't do this. That is the definition of modesty, knowing our limits and respecting them. And if we don't respect our limits, no one else will.
Are you able and willing to cut ties with him and move on at this point in your life? I think you can, but what is important is whether you think you can. I always think it is a good idea to have a exit strategy.
If you stay.... You already have an idea of how things will be. His mother WILL get worse and his treatment of you WILL get worse as well.
Hope this helps.
Sparkles
Leave as soon as you have somewhere to stay. Lover Boy will have to pay for his mother’s care, or (more likely) find another girlfriend.
Good luck dear lady.
People here do want to help you. No matter what your age. imo.
If you can come back, maybe we can find a way?
This is the timeline as I understand it:
You agreed to be caregiver to your boyfriend's mother, who is 85.
At age 65-66 you retired and moved in with him to do that.
It is unknown if you did that for pay or not.
She moved in two weeks later, and as the caregiving was expected
and agreed upon, you were unaware how much of a challenge this work would be.
You were unaware that he was abusive?
Finding the situation untenable, now, you are considering moving out?
Did I get that right?
Do you have family?
She needs more care than you can give her, willingly or otherwise. Your boyfriend gets angry because he doesn't want to think about it, which is probably also why he has taken on this heavy load at work - it gives him an excuse not only not to contribute to his mother's care, but to feel aggrieved if you "add to his burden" by expecting support.
Suppose he were prepared to discuss the plan: what would you want your MIL's new improved care plan to look like? You could go right ahead and get it in place without involving him; he might be more receptive if there's a good, clear way forward.
The reason I suggest this is that MIL, a younger person with dementia, deserves adequate care. Once she is sorted out, THEN you can consider, without guilt or distractions, whether you and boyfriend have a future.
Only - were you and he in a relationship before his mother needed help?
Please leave this horrible situation right away. I hope you can make ends meet on your own without the need to rely on him for ANYTHING. This man should be ashamed of himself for what he's putting you through. It's wrong on EVERY level.
Sending you a big hug and a prayer that you have the strength and courage you need to walk away. You deserve so much more, especially at this stage of life.
All the best of luck
PS. When I was a young woman living with an abusive man, I snuck out in the middle of the night. I packed some clothing, makeup, toiletries and my dog, called a cab and LEFT. I had $40 to my name but I would have lived in a refrigerator box if necessary rather than be hit ONE. MORE. TIME. Even if he's not hitting you, he's STILL abusing you, so please make sure not to confuse the meaning of abuse. It comes in many forms
I read your response below that your boyfriend is not only not THERE but he "gets angry" and tells you that you are "not a Christian" when you speak of leaving. Really? HE is the judge of whether or not you are a Christian?
I learned that you are not the young girl I thought you were, but rather 66 years old. I was not aware of this.
It seems that you have, at this age, so little self esteem that you are even willing to have this very abusive man control your life. And apparently you have called him a "bully", so you do understand fully who you are dealing with. And you choose to keep dealing with him.
Do you have the means to move out on your own? You are not working. Do you have savings? Do you have a means to support yourself supplementing your social security? Do you have friends who are a support?
I must now somewhat revise the advise I gave you below when I thought you were a young woman manipulated by a boyfriend into caring for his mother as his slave labor. I still feel that way about your boyfriend, but as you are not young, something has occurred throughout a fairly long life to make you vulnerable to a man like this, because you chose him. Not as a young victim, but as a grown woman who knowingly made a choice and who knowingly is staying in the situation. Had this been your first bad choice in a life of good ones you would have had enough self esteem to have saved yourself at once.
We on the forum aren't trained psychologists, but rather just folks experiencing some stuff in caregiving, sharing it, seeking help, offering suggestions.
At this point I don't think it will be as easy as your packing up and leaving. I think you need the help of someone with training in psychology.
I am so sorry. You are in a dreadful situation. You have correctly labeled all that is happening to you. You are clearly a bright woman. You are of an age. You don't need us to tell you how wrong this is, nor how bad for you, nor what you should do about it. Yet you are unable to act in your own behalf.
I beg you to get help for yourself. I am so sorry for all your pain. I sure hope you will update us that you are moving on, and that things are better for you.
At 66 you should be on Medicare and able to draw Social Security. Since you have not been working out of the home, you would qualify as a low income Senior for sliding rent scale Senior or Title 8 Low Income apartments in your area. Get on a waiting list. You can go to a women's shelter in the short term and find some help through them or your local department of social services to get some assistance sorting your situation out.
If you lived in my town, we have a local thrift shop that uses it's profits to help people like you with first month's rent, deposit, clothing and all furnishings from the shop. There very well be some similar resources near you.
Use those day care days to get your possessions out and find a place to go....!!
1. Force can be instituted by threats of violence, and similar drastic measures. How is your BF forcing you? Is he threatening you? Do you fear retaliation or his anger if you make decisions for YOUR life?
2. Why can't you just move out and live a life of your own? What is he contributing to your life? to your well being? to your happiness?
3. Why are you concerned about him blowing up?
4. You're malleable and he's manipulated you; they're both getting free care. What are YOU getting, besides angry?
5. Think of your life and past situations. Were you ever manipulated or dominated before? Was it by a man? How did you get out of the situation?
6. And most importantly, what are YOU getting out of this relationship except frustration, ill treatment, lack of respect, and probably more negative treatment. Do you want this for your life? If not, start making plans, today.
7. Don't be offended, but consider whether or not you might want to seek treatment for strengthening your self respect so you can avoid a trap like this again. I.e., consider treatment for battered women, which you seem to be based on your description of the situation.
There's some compassionate or similar aspect in your character that your BF is exploiting.
8. You might want to read some of the posts from these hits on similar situations. Others have found themselves in similar traps and sought advice here.
https://www.agingcare.com/search?term=caring+for+boyfriend%27s+parent
Good luck.
It may not be too late for you to try to save your life.
Breaking the emotional ties that bind will be more difficult.
Why are you in this dysfunctional relationship? It is disturbing that you see caregiving for his mother the real issue at hand. What would your relationship be like if he had no mother? If he worked 65-80 hrs. per week, and blew up at you whenever you did not do what he wanted you to do? BTW, blowing up at you is a sign of a narcissist, sociopath, and/or drug abuse. What is in it for you to have a good life?
Will you stay if mother goes?
Edit: Sorry, you are age 66?
I feel that my advice may be misdirected towards what I thought was a much younger woman. But it may not be too late for you either. I agree with CWillie, his mother may be a vulnerable adult and a victim.
If you think about it your BF's mother is as much a victim of his selfish choices as you are, IMO her quality of life would be much better in a place where many shifts of caregivers are there to watch over her and where she has the opportunity to receive specialized dementia care, perhaps even socialize with her peers.
if you get married can it get anything but worse? Married or not, the domination, not thinking about what is best for you, will worsen. Why stay if you are not feeling cared for? What do you think the future hold if you stay?
Ne BLESSED in your decision.
Do you own a car?
Start packing your car up.
Then see how you feel.
Just going through the motions can help you sort this out.
Once you stop "thinking" about it and take action, you may feel empowered to leave your abusive boyfriend.
You don't need to do this to yourself. His "blowing up" is a way to shut you up and control you.
Many women have left, got therapy so they won't make poor choices, and have a better life.
There are, however, domestic violence support groups who can advise you the same as you have heard here. You can get assistance and support for your move.
You've gotten the same advice from everyone here - MOVE OUT. What do you think? What are the steps you can take to make it happen?
Do you think you will actually move out?
He doesn't even have the respect to marry you before he made you his slave, why would you stay?
A women's shelter is a far better option than living like you are. You can get some counseling to figure out why you would be in this situation, how to avoid it in the future and help you get some self respect back.
Leave immediately. You don't want to be accused of endangering her by just leaving her without someone there, so get anyone you can to come in to be with her. I would call the cops and ask that they stand guard while you move if you have to do it while he is home.
There is no excuse for abuse. Run don't walk away.
Move out.
Did you imagine for a single second you would get any other answer here?
You say that your boyfriend "manipulated you" into doing this.
I would like you to start to gain strength and insight by changing the way you approach this. You are not a victim. You are a strong woman facing a choice. You were not manipulated.
You made a choice. It was a BAD choice.
Now you are going to have to pull up your big girl pants, put on your boots, and make them WALKING boots. That is going to be hard. You are giving up a know and given (a boyfriend, even if a BAD one). You are giving up the certainty of a home and a place to live.
I very much hope you have support and girlfriends you did not give up for all of this joy you are experiencing with this guy. I hope there is support of some family for you, to give you a start on living alone.
Hon, you wrote us. You knew what we would answer. Make no mistake, what you are embarking on is HARD and the only reason you haven't done it already is that you have been beaten down and weakened.
Girl, you made a bad choice. You can change this. Do it without anger and fury and argument because he will be DESPERATE and desperate, manipulative men are not a pretty thing. I hope you will update us as you go along. I hope you can move many miles away in all truth. I couldn't wish you more luck. I am so sorry you are faced with this trauma, but you can DO THIS. Do it as soon as you can.
Do not tell your boyfriend anything!!! Take only what is yours. Pare down to one carload if possible. Leave a short note saying you have moved out. Do not have any dreams of returning & reconciling. Don't call him or answer his calls.
Once you are out, call APS to report a person in need. Do not go back! Under any circumstances!!! Do not look back.
You matter! Your wants & needs matter! Sending hugs & wishes for you to have the life you want on your terms. Please post again to let us know you are safely out. We do care!
Here's the link for the state of Indiana. https://www.in.gov/fssa/da/3479.htm
Call the hotline. Tell them your situation and do NOT let them talk you into staying until boyfriend gets his act together and starts helping. Just tell them that you are letting them know that they'll need to keep an eye on boyfriend and his mother because you will be leaving on (whatever day you choose--soon!). Tell boyfriend TODAY that you will be moving out tomorrow.
Pack your stuff.
Give your final notice and walk out.
Before you do this though...
Find a place to go. Move your stuff out. Make sure you are safe.
Strongly suggest you change your phone number.