My mother does not have dementia, still drives, and is active. She has singled out one of my three dogs ( dog 1) that she will blame for everything. For example, he’s well trained and passed obedience school with flying colors. My other dog ( dog 2) is loveable but doesn’t behave as well . If anything happens, she blames dog 1. I’ve caught her hitting at dog 1’s face and told her not to do that. He is large and if he got mad, could do some damage if he bit to defend himself. Now she just does it when I’m out of the room. She swatted at dog 1 today when I stepped outside. I heard him scurry away from her and when I came back in, his eye was watering. My mother also told another family member she slapped my sisters dog “ on the head to make them behave” when she took care of her while my sister was on vacation. My mother has a key to my house and I’m worried about her being with my animals when I’m not home. This has started in the last year. If I confront her about it in the moment, she denies it and then tries to give the dog treats to try to create a narrative that she did not hit my dog . I don’t believe in hitting animals and my dogs are gentle, but any creature may defend itself if it gets hit . My mother's behavior is mostly stable, but she often gets very snappy with my father . I don’t know what to do with her behavior . If I change the locks, she is going to start a pity party and play victim and then go to my sister for sympathy.
As I get older, I see less and less of the mother I remember and it’s heartbreaking.
I certainly would:
1) just change the locks and forget to ever give her (or Dad or anyone who might make her a copy) a spare.
2) check with the doctors about her change in behavior this past year.
You mentioned the pity party. Been there done that. It's an elder version of a toddler temper tantrum. Ignore it. Walk away. Redirect the conversation. Whatever.
You mentioned that she will run to your sister for sympathy. Sounds like that's typical behavior. Is your sister supportive of you or not? If not, then she won't be part of your solution and doesn't need a key either.
Just my pet owner and elder caregiver opinion.
I certainly would:
1) just change the locks and forget to ever give her (or Dad or anyone who might make her a copy) a spare.
2) check with the doctors about her change in behavior this past year.
You mentioned the pity party. Been there done that. It's an elder version of a toddler temper tantrum. Ignore it. Walk away. Redirect the conversation. Whatever.
You mentioned that she will run to your sister for sympathy. Sounds like that's typical behavior. Is your sister supportive of you or not? If not, then she won't be part of your solution and doesn't need a key either.
Just my pet owner and elder caregiver opinion.
I agree...let her have her pity party! Hell, throw it for her.
Your dogs deserve better...they are innocent living beings relying on you for protection and love.
Shame on your mom...she should know better and is being a bully.
You're allowing it because deep down, you really don't want to admit mom is not who she used to be. You tried "creating a narrative" and nothing changed. You're approaching the subject in a meek, "please don't hit the dogs". It's not working. Doesn't matter WHY she is doing it, what matters is she won't stop. It won't stop until you stop it.
You told her to not hit them, she did it anyway and keeps doing it. She has no intention of changing. You have to protect your pets.
I feel so sorry for them! You're not there to defend them from this woman who wants to hurt them. Imagine being a kid, alone, and you see her walk in. It's your home, you have nowhere else to go. You know you're going to be hurt. You don't know what you did wrong. Or why this person keeps abusing you. But your Mom isn't there to help, and keeps letting this person in, so you have to take it. Because you either won't win the fight, or you'll be hit (if not beaten, or stabbed, or something else awful) if you fight back. You were taught not to fight back. Imagine how scared and helpless they feel. And no one stops it.
Sounds pretty awful, doesn't it? If you loved your pets, you would not let ANYONE harm them. If they did it once, it would be the first and last time. I don't care who is doing this. If you cannot bring yourself to defend your pets, then you may want to consider if you can keep caring for them.
I have only one thing to say to you. For her own safety, and for the sake of these innocent animals, it is time that your mother is completely separated from the animals. Whether that means placement or not I don't care. If it means you give up your animals, again, I don't care. But to leave your animals in an abusive situation is abuse. To endanger your mother by her own behavior which she may or may not be able to control is neglect.
I am sorry to come on so strong about this. I have seen too much. This cannot continue. It absolutely cannot.
I know you are heartbroken. You are losing your Mom and yet she is still here. You are exhausted and frustrated. But you cannot allow this to continue another day.
Your dog may get tired of her behavior and defend himself.
This happened with my neighbors. The neighbor children were friends.
The child constantly picked on the neighbor’s dog.
The mom kept telling the child not to tease her dog.
The kid didn’t listen and her normally sweet and calm dog bit the child in his face causing him to go get stitches.
The family that owned the dog paid for all of the medical bills for the child and the child learned the hard way to respect animals.
As far as a key to the house goes, does she enter your home when you aren’t there?
I always had a key to my parent’s house but I always knocked and waited for an invitation to go inside before entering.
If my parent’s car wasn’t there I didn’t go inside.
You deserve your privacy. It is your house, not hers. I wouldn’t hesitate to change the locks and not give her a key regardless if she gets huffed or not.
Best wishes to you.
I had to change the locks on my house due to my mother snooping through my mail, listening to my answering machine, stealing things she did not feel I deserved to have and more. She was sharing some of her findings with my ex, while we were going through an acrimonious divorce. Our mother's do not have an intrinsic right to free access to our homes.
Her behaviour is not normal and could very well be a sign of impaired cognition.
You are allowed to tell her that you do not trust her around your dogs any more. Who cares who she may complain to, it is the truth.
If you choose to have her visit, then unfortunately you will have to keep the dogs out of her presence at all times.
I woudl also send a note to her GP tell them of this change in behaviour and also how she reacts when caught out.
I also agree to limit her access into your home when you're not there BUT I disagree about telling her why. To avoid drama it would be totally ethical to make up a "therapeutic fib" as to why you need your key back or that you've had to change your locks and just keep forgetting to get her a new key. You might consider letting your sister in on your concerns for your pets and she may be willing to go along with any of mom's complaining.
Since you are seeing "less and less of the mother I remember" then it may be time to get them to an elder law attorney/estate planner to make sure your parents have all their legal ducks in a row so that helping them as they age won't turn into a sh!tshow, which it can easily do. Make sure you discuss this with your sister and any other siblings prior so that there is total transparency and everyone's on the same page. Surprises, hearing things 2nd and 3rd hand and lack of transparency all contribute to suspicions which break down sibling trust and relationships and will inevitably work against your parents and whoever is tasked with managing their care.
Once their legal ducks are in a row, make up another therapeutic fib if necessary to get them into the doc for a discretely administered cognitive exam. Maybe tell them it's required after they create legal documents, or it's a new Medicare rule. Whatever it takes. You can pass their doctor a note asking this be done and docs are usually very happy to accommodate. There are very unpleasant consequences if a parent slides into dementia without assigning a PoA, especially when there are siblings.
If you want, you can set up cameras in your home to catch your mother in the act. Then you'll know for sure what's going on and you can show her the evidence. However, this may NOT change her behavior if she has dementia or short-term memory loss. I wish you peace in your heart and harmony in your family as you all move through this phase with your parents.
It took me moving 800 miles from my parents and not seeing them to actually see them for who/what they really were in terms of personality (bad and good). The mother I thought I remembered from childhood was not really who my mother was, same with my father.
When you are seeing a person ALL the time you would think you would know them better but this is not the case because you just absorb their behaviors, etc as normal and the distance actually gives you perspective (if that makes any sense).
That said, whether she has dementia or not, she should not be hitting your dog and if he bites her, she's got nobody to blame but herself. But of course, it will be the poor dog's fault & you'll wind up being forced to put HIM down as a result.
When my 21 y/o son refused to follow the rules I set down in the new home I purchased but he wasn't living in, I asked him for his house key back. He was flabbergasted & didn't talk to me for about a month. Oh well. He got over it and learned a lesson about consequences of his own actions.
Take your mother's house key away from her and tell her precisely WHY you're doing it. If she doesn't like it, oh well.
Next time she hits your dog, escort her out of your house and tell her precisely why you're doing it.
The next time it happens, don't invite her back to your house but go visit her instead.
Protect your dog. It is not about whether or not the dog will eventually bite her because of the physical abuse it is about protecting the dog from her because it is the right thing to do. I know dogs aren't people but if you had two children and she was doing this to one of your children what would you do?
Take away her key and do not let her in your house unsupervised. If we can't stand up for the helpless and those who can't stand up for themselves what does it say about us? Let her have her pity party. She brought this on herself.