My in laws live across the country. They will not be able to attend the real memorial in 4 weeks due to health. They basically don't travel anymore. So they decided they would have the preacher and 2 other family members to their house for a memorial. My husband would absolutely hate this and it wasn't his wishes. Son and myself are not attending and he is having trouble dealing with the added pressure of his grandfather emailing asking what he wants.
Is this odd or am I just annoyed for no reason?
Now do the 'right thing' that your husband would have wanted.
At least his family CARED. If my DH dies before his mother does, she will not even acknowledge it. Think about that. A religious service for the people who care to attend and something less so for those who feel differently. Be grateful he was loved.
Sounds like the drama was for naught, which is often the case. I am sorry for your loss.
As you go forward, there is no time limit for your grief. You are a very gracious person who obviously loved your husband.
There are many caregivers here who can support you. Stay with us. Or come back often.
Your question has also helped me deal with harboring the hurt not about my loved one gone, but about the family rejection. TY.
I realize there are other issues you will be facing.
Life is short and grief is long.
You do your thing, I’ll do my thing, no guilt involved IN ANY WAY, on anyone’s part.
Grief is long, but life is short.
It sounds like to me from your postings that there was never a good relationship between you and in-laws. Especially since you live across the country from each other. And don't share their belief system? Now that you are the widow you may hear less and less from them. Same with son. Is he really that close to his grandparents or is he just showing respect. Or is grandpa just upsetting him.
If my relationship was not all that good with husband's family, I may just tell them "sorry, I just can't deal with this now. We will be having a service here that I understand you can't attend. Please do whatever you need to do to honor your son/brother but son and I will not be able to participate. We need to be able to be left to grieve in our own way, in our own time." I may just send an email if u don't feel you can express this by phone.
At birth, marriage, and at death, I think that the beliefs and practices of the primary party should take priority in gatherings, ceremonies, and memorials. Birth, the parent's beliefs; marriage, the couple's beliefs; and death, the spouse and immediate children's beliefs-while honoring the deceased beliefs. Yes, it is a 'religious' or 'non-religious' preference, and cannot be avoided talking about.
When I did not attend the memorial service in person, or online zoom for my deceased loved one, I believe I was honoring him, his life, and his beliefs (or non-beliefs).
The 'family' was deep into practicing their own strong ritual beliefs that had nothing to do with the loved one's beliefs or choices. Even if I was in agreement with those practices (I am not), I would not attend or participate because it was not my loved one's beliefs or choices. To me, that would not be honoring the deceased loved one.
The family might have felt comforted *talking* to the dead, calling on *spirits*, practicing *shamanism* while combining that with worship of *many gods*, daoism, buddhism, and confucianism and the customs and practice of spirit worship and ancestor veneration. To me, it was more like a seance than a memorial. (this was known before the services).
However, I was equally family and was deeply offended and hurt by that practice. Even so, I would not have expected them to do it my way or said anything, instead, deferring to the son's choices. Even though the son's choices were far different than the deceased father's choices. No, I do not hate these people.
The OP is the wife and on behalf of the deceased's son. They need to be comforted. Requesting (by the deceased's son) for these extended family to keep their memorial private and not zoom might work. Not attending.
Generally when an obituary is posted in my area it will include mention of the funeral arrangements, often something along the lines of "as requested by (the deceased) there will be a private family memorial service at a later date".
Personally I would go ahead with your plans and feel no obligation to attend the other memorial, neither in person nor digitally. You can't control other people but you aren't obligated to swallow their bull either, and any wavering on your part gives them legitimacy they don't deserve.
I like that you said they are not obligated to swallow their bull.
Plus it's religious which spouse was not. I get do it for the grandparents but they should take 2nd place to the son. He wanted a small intimate service to spread the ashes. That's it.
This whole thing is just typical of that side of the family. They couldn't come to grips with his addiction and still deny it to this day. I just want it to be over so we can move on.
Plus, keep in mind that for some religions, the absence of certain rituals means that person's time on earth isn't properly wrapped up. Much as you don't care for the in-laws, surely you can allow them the comfort of doing those things that will put their son to rest properly and bring them peace.
As I said elsewhere, I'm an atheist, but my husband is very, very Catholic. I wouldn't just cremate him and send him on his way by sprinkling him around the yard, then tell my in-laws that that's, so suck it up. They'd want the whole mass and rosary, and they'd be free to do that. That would bring me no peace whatsoever and would instead annoy me beyond words, but they can do that if they want. It's no skin off my nose.
If family who were unable to attend any ceremonies will be comforted by this I would encourage them to hold it whether they call it a funeral or a celebration of life. You should not attend if that was your wish. I do believe you are being annoyed for no reason, but those who deal with grief say that people will find just about anything to be angry about, because anger is so much easier than grieving. In anger we feel we can change or fix something. But grief brings a finality that recognizes a loss was sustained that has no "fix".
I am so very sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the loss of family far removed who feel a need to have this ceremony as well. But again, Mr. Lynch, with all his marvelous love and respect for our loved ones who have gone on, is correct; your husband may not have liked this one little bit in life; but now he doesn't care. If you are a believer (I am not) then he now has perfect understanding. If you are not, you recognize he is gone, and can no longer be hurt or disappointed.
Now your son. What kind of pressure is his grandfather putting on him? All son needs to do is say "Granddad, you and grandmom do what you think is best for you, its your memorial. I am sorry that I won't be able to attend. Mom has set up a nice Memorial for Dad here and we are so sorry you cannot attend and will miss your presence but are glad you have found a way to honor Dad's memory in your own way."
So sorry for your loss.
Even if you are correct, you can’t control what they do. It may be in your son’s best interests to stay on good terms with his grandparents, so it’s probably better to let him do things his own way. But no, it’s not ‘odd’. Because of Covid, many families have been restricted to a small funeral with few people attending, and plan to have another memorial service later. Migrants sometimes have double services, so that family in both places can have a service. And I think second wedding ceremonies are a bit odd, but they still happen!
Try not to let this prey on your mind. It simply doesn’t matter.
Be glad that they are choosing to remember their son. This isn’t taking away from your memorial service. It’s fine to have two of them. I truly feel that your husband is at peace now and certainly wouldn’t mind this at all.
Wishing you peace during this difficult period in your time.
I am sorry for your loss.
Offer what you are willing to give and gently say no to what you aren’t.
Maybe just say you will send them copies of any materials that you are already putting together for the service, like:
-the program for the service (can you send a cd with any music selection?)
-photos used in any slide show or poster board (I’d suggest uploading them to your preferred print service and mailing printed copies directly to them.)
-notes used by someone giving a eulogy.
You can ask them to send you photos as well.
As mentioned by others, they've lost their son, and that's no doubt devastating for them. You lost your husband, and your son lost his dad. Everyone has their own particular brand of grief to endure, and it'd be kind for you to all be supportive of one another rather than feel like it's a competition or not what your husband would have wanted. No one's grief is bigger than anyone else's, although I'd give your son the edge because he had the least amount of time with him.
Be kind, always.
I'm sorry for everyone's loss.
You are needing to grieve your loss. And supporting your son through this will be difficult.
It is not unusual for in-laws to have their own memorial service. But why are they pressuring your son? What do they want from him? And how does that differ from what you want for him?
Notice the difference: They might want something from your son.
You might want something for your son. We don't know anyone's motivations.
Focus on your own grief, and anger, not allowing any of this to interfere with the relationship between you and your son. In other words, I wish you peace about it.
Again, sorry for your loss.
I think that you are now dealing with the grief of losing your husband, and planning your memorial service for him, that you're forgetting that he was their son as well as your husband.
Now that doesn't mean that you nor your son have to attend if you don't want to. Or you can attend by Zoom, if that is easier for you. But by all means let them say goodbye to their son in whatever way they see fit. They are grieving too.
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will grant you His peace and comfort in the days and weeks ahead.