They never cared for me and didn't want their son to marry me, but we were 40, so he did as he pleased. I've had a cordial relationship with them for 20 years until this past spring. After celebrating my birthday, they fabricated an "insult" and have refused to see or speak to me. My husband and teen son have tried to reason with them, even prove they are mistaken, but it's no use. My FIL forced us to remove bins we had in storage in the attic, berated my husband for every perceived transgression going back 40 years, including marrying me and will no longer see him either. He's also called me terrible names to our son and completely fabricated incidents involving me and passed these stories to extended family. I don't think they have dementia but my FIL has had a couple of strokes.
The whole family is in upset. I've never experienced people at end of life who have purposely blown up a family like this. My husband has 3 siblings and they will not intervene because they're afraid my FIL will turn on them as well. Separately, they say he speaks badly of everyone, punctuated with a self-congratulatory, "I remember," with every recount, as proof he still is mentally fit.
At this point, I can ignore them. But this is killing my husband, who has always been close to his mom, at least. And it's upsetting our son who's always seen them as loving grandparents. Would appreciate any advice.
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🥰
Another idea is to write a general statement and issue it to the extended relatives to let them know he’s engaging in defamatory comments and you wish to set the record straight.
Third this is so cruel and damaging I can imagine the pain and anguish your husband especially is going through and it’s also of course very stressful and damaging to you and your son as well. I recommend seeking family counseling for you your husband and son with a therapist who specializes in abusive family members abd if you can find one that has experience with narcisstic personality disorder even better ( not diagnosing your fil but whether or not he’s a narcissist, his actions are very similar to how narcissists behave.
Has your husband ever taken a firm stance against this? Are there other family members who would might have a word with them? If you go to a therapist you could ask if they would be willing to advocate for you and your family to your fil ( something as simple as a phone call with him during a session)
I would send flowers and write a nice letter.
If they no longer want to include ya'll then you'll have to move on with your life.
I would still send them cards fir all occasions with nice notes in them.
Maybe another family member can arrange for mom and your husband to meet for lunch or a visit.
Prayers
that he wasnt there to see his parents pass. If his parents are 92 and 86 chances are they probably have some dementia. They may also
miss seeing their son.
My father got mad at his oldest neice's husband and would go on and on about it with her. She was deeply hurt as he and she had a special bond.
Keep a low profile - it may happen that as his brain deteriorates he will forget the entire episode. If relations are impossible for your husband and grandson to see FIL, maybe they can still keep in contact with MIL unless she is siding with FIL.
Praying for your family that you are blessed with peace and grace. Hang in there.
Old, hateful people suck.
This is a stage of his dementia. In time, he will not remember that he said these things.
The last thing you want to do is argue about it or try to convince them they are wrong. That seems to solidify the story in their mind and it is so real to them. The confabulator is absolutely sure of what they are saying.
One of the stories my DH Aunt happened to a neighbor but she claimed it happened to her and even embellished it.
Another was she would say that various, unrelated people, had moved into apartments.
If I asked had she seen a certain friend she would say that the friend had moved into an apartment in a neighboring city. If I asked why, she never had any of the details just that they had moved.
If I asked Aunt if her SIL was home or visiting with her daughter, she would say, SIL had moved into an apartment in the city where her daughter lived.
Before I noticed that everyone in Aunts circle seemed to be moving into an apartment. I believed her.
It didn’t really sink in until one day she told me that a younger great niece (13 at the time) had moved into an apartment! What?? I called the first friend to see how she was doing in the apartment, she had no idea what I was talking about! She hadn’t moved at all.
I begin to figure out that it was dementia. I remembered my MIL, aunts sister, had done this in the beginning of her dementia. Her daughter would say her mother was lying. I had been taught never to call anyone a liar so that was shocking to me. MIL, I reasoned, was probably more confused than lying. I hadn’t known her as a liar. But the strange thing was the person confabulating always seems very sure of what they are saying. It’s everyone else who is confused. This person you absolutely trust is saying outlandish things!
What is different about your situation is whether your MIL is also saying these things? You said in-laws but then you only referred to FIL. Does she just go along with whatever he says?
I would ask those that are in good standing to try to get him and/or her to a neurologist for a checkup and to watch for other signs.
It’s a heads up for sure that their paper work needs to be in order and I would ask the other siblings to not mention you at all in order to let this die down.
The in-laws will probably be complaining before long that you never visit.
”When people show you who they are.”
I think I would try to accept they are sliding into decline in an awful way. Tragic. But it happens that way sometimes.
But I would continue to keep supporting your Husband, as THAT is the relationship you want to be still standing when his parents are no more.
He may choose to keep seeing them or not. He maybe very torn about that. He may need time & space to come home to decompress if he does.
As others have said, whoever is still close them could keep an eye. Safety is a concern.
MIL may have denial or be naive about FIL's cognition or alternatively, be aware & covering (this happens a lot). Many times an elder would never think to call EMS even when there is a medical or mental health crises. Or one forbids the other to call. Others on the site have had to set up a 'safety plan' in such cases. If not mobile phone savvy, a safe neighbour to go to call for help instead.
I am sorry for this situation - it is sad for you all. Maybe blame it on the 'stroke related brain changes' when talking to your son.
And if your H gets any wild areas about taking them in as things progress, everyone knows it won't work because the ils don't want to be around you. You won't have to do any elder caregiving! That is a huge win.
Moxies is right -- they say old people (can) become more of themselves. They lose filters that kept the truth from coming out in their younger years. I always knew I was a disappointment to my mother, but what I had to hear as she declined was still difficult. I was always a nasty person and my time was worth nothing, I had only been jealous of my brothers, etc. And she thought I was trying to steal her condo. I took the quick route to making myself feel better -- I was able to get payment for all the hours I had to spend with her (she lived "independently" in a condo 7 minutes away from me -- my 3 brothers all lived out of state, of course). The POA brother readily agreed. So I got $20/hour (including back-pay). I considered it a job, and felt much better about it all emotionally. When I'd brought up the idea of compensation up to her before, I was met with her almost screaming at me that, "You don't pay family!"
I am sorry for you having to go through this, and even more sorry for your son and especially your husband and their son. I cannot see that you can ever be in the right - you are not going to be able to get mental assessments done for them if they are being so negative so you can only worry about yourselves and leave them to each other. I doubt that once you have had a sit down and they have got everything off their chests it will make much difference, I suspect if you do something for them the next day you will just get another rant or unpleasant comments. You cannot force them to go into a facility so, hard though it is leave them to it and your husband can phone once a week, but that is probably about the best contact any of your will get with them. Stop caring about what they say - they are not able to control their behaviour any more than a child at the start of their life. Just ignore it and concentrate on your son and husband. You don't have to see them so don't - why put yourself in that position.
Try to get hubby to go there without you to begin with and tell him, even if it's brought up, no discussion about it. Change subject or just look at his watch and say, I have to get going. Get him to at least talk to his mom alone so she knows they still have relationship and perhaps he can convince her nothing said was intended to be hurtful.
Have you tried going there yourself to talk to them? Maybe if you went you can smooth it over - for the sake of other relationships. You can even say - if it sounded like I said that, I'm sorry. I'll be more careful how I word things. Sometimes it may be easier to own it in a way without really owning it to smooth ruffled feathers.
I hope you get this all worked out. At their age, nothing is worth losing an entire family over. Just start paying closer attention to other little things. You may identify a future of dementia issues.
1 - Apologize for any slight he seems to be holding onto. The goal is to "calm the waters" rather than to actually admit to any guilt. It might be helpful to send him a card or cards to express "sorry" and always end with expressing your respect, love, and esteem. When your FIL ramps up on an imagined slight, you can point to the card and say, "Dad we already dealt with this. We love you." Then change the subject or engage his mind in a new activity.
2 - Since this seems to be a new-ish problem, please get whoever is responsible for FIL's care to take him to a doctor. This could be signs of a new stroke or a pending stroke. If this is clot-based or a narrowing of blood vessels, something could be done by his neurologist. If this behavior seems to coincide with agitation, then he is probably suffering from anxiety about a world that doesn't quite make sense. A mild anti-anxiety medication may help him to keep from getting angry and accusative.
3 - Please try to create "good" memories when your family visits. Bring things your FIL likes: simple activities, snacks, movies, music. The goal is to create new, pleasant associations so your FIL sees everybody in the family in a better light.
This is harder on your husband and son. Regardless of what might be the cause of this "break", they should be advised to avoid trying to argue with or convince FIL that he's wrong. It's best to just try to ignore it or steer the discussion to another topic - diversion, redirection, whatever works to get the focus onto something else.
If there's anyone in the family who might be able to "investigate" or help see that FIL gets a good checkup, including urine culture and blood work, it's possible there could be a medical cause behind this that can be treated. If not, it is also quite possible that the strokes have resulted in short-circuiting his brain, leading to dementia-like behaviors. That isn't really treatable, but it is possible medication can tone it down. However he will have to be amenable to getting a check up.
I agree with others - have someone check with mom to be sure she's okay. Perhaps she can shed some light on changes he has gone through recently. If someone can take her out under some pretense, but then have a candid talk with her, it might help. Clearly this shouldn't be your husband or son (and certainly not you!)
Too often a spouse might try to "cover" for the other and hide anything going on. It should be explained to her that it's better to address it than try to hide it. My mother's cousin did this for her husband. She ended up dying a year and a day after her sister, leaving him vulnerable. Their son was turned in by the bank for taking dad to the bank and withdrawing funds. What a mess! (She was the executor of her sister's estate, but it was incomplete, the atty was less than useless and in the end it fell on me, as I found out I was named the alternate executor. She didn't trust the atty and withdrew most of the money before the specific distributions were done. Thankfully a CD was deposited into the primary account when it matured, per her instructions, but the rest had already moved to the estate account. With that, I was able to honor the will distributions!)
Hopefully legal documents have been done already (wills, POAs, medical directives, etc.) If not, it may or may not be too late for FIL (even if not too late, he may refuse, given his current state of mind!)
Recommend researching strokes/dementia and helping husband to understand how this may be impacting his dad. Whatever the underlying cause is, understanding that this behavior is beyond FIL's control may help. Same for your son. Knowledge is useful and can help take away some of the hurt if they know it isn't something FIL can control. In many ways, dementia lies to the person. My mother insisted every which way that she was fine, independent and could cook. Answer = D: none of the above. Thankfully in her case she actually became a bit nicer, easy going. Staff liked her and thought she was so cute and funny! The only exception was during a bout with a UTI - out of control until we could get tested, medication for the UTI and anti-anxiety for her bad sun-downing.
No truer words have ever been spoken. I believe that neuro-psychiatrist who spoke to you is right.
"They remain themselves, but more so". The in-laws of gisele28 never cared for her or even liked her. So dementia shows up and that dislike turns into something far worse.
I'm surprised it's a DIL in the role of family scapegoat and not one of their own adult kids (almost always a daughter as we all know) in that role.
Well, there isn't much gisele28 and her husband can do except learn as much as they can about Alzheimer's/dementia. Then stay away from the in-laws entirely. Don't reach out to them. In fact, they should consider them dead already and grieve the loss.
Think of them cutting you and your husband off as a blessing in disguise. The two of you will now be off the hook for when MIL and FIL need caregiving and from how they're being now, it sounds like they will need it soon.
Do remember that your in-laws are the ones in the wrong and not as of late either. If they've always disliked you and treated you poorly the possibility of dementia will only make it worse. You don't owe them nothing. They are and have been the ones in the wrong because they don't like you. If your husband's three siblings won't speak up to the parents and the rest of the family, so be it. Let them and their spouses become the nanny-slaves that your in-laws will demand they become very soon. You and your man are off that hook. Be grateful.
Your son is a different story though. If he loves his grandparents and wants to see them, he should. If they start bad-mouthing you or his father then he needs to walk away.
My advice is you can't change anyone. You did nothing wrong. Don't reach out to them. Be grateful that the miserable burden of that their care will no doubt be, will not fall to you and your husband.
So. Your FIL is my mother, but more destructive with his choice of confabulated stories. Your husband is the one who's hurting here b/c he doesn't understand the nature of his father's dementia and what confabulation means. Once he does understand what's going on, he can *hopefully* relax a bit and allow the situation to stop killing him. He's not going to be able to stop his father from carrying on like a lunatic with these stories he's telling about you, and from thinking he hates you, though. That's not possible. Unless dad has another stroke and the brain damage makes him forget that he 'hates you' and sends him off on another tangent. Sad but true.
So in the meantime, go to Alz.org and read about what I said here. Have DH read about it too, so he doesn't wind up hating his father for what he's doing to you; he can't help it; his brain is damaged now.
The best thing for you and DH to do is limit your contact with your FIL. You need to stay away from him b/c you are the subject of his wrath. You seem to be okay with it, so that's good. DH just needs to come around to understanding what's happening and not take it personally, as hard as that is to do.
I hate dementia and strokes and every horrible thing it does to our loved ones and their families, I really do. I'm sorry you are going thru such a terrible thing with your FIL, and that he's wreaking such havoc on your family. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace in the midst of the chaos.