My father went from being somewhat incontinent to an indwelling catheter for 7 months and now free of the catheter, but fully incontinent. Mom is wishing to be his sole caregiver, though we do have someone come in 3 hours, 3x week, against her wishes. She wants me and my siblings to help but not in very personal ways. She and my dad both have some degree of dementia so they are somewhat lacking in logic. I take them both weekly for doctor appointments, visiting friends and out to lunch. So here's my question...how do I handle ensuring Dad is clean and dry? Yesterday as he got out of my car, I saw that the back of his pants were wet (and thus my leather seat). I've cared for lots of babies and I know how to check a diaper but I just can't seem to do that to my dad. My mom just doesn't even think about it. What do you suggest?
Keep in mind that if they have been formally diagnosed with dementia, it’s a progressive disease. I’m sure they will be dead-set against this, but you may want to start looking for Assisted Living for them.
Neither of my parents have a sense of smell so don't notice urine or BM. But your suggestion of just changing every 4 hours is a good one. Whether or not Mom can remember to follow through will remain to be seen. We've little to no success with her getting him to drink more fluids. Thanks again!
It does concern me that while Mom has the best of intentions, she may not be a reliable caregiver. Most people with dementia do live in the past and Mom may be remembering when Dad wasn’t incontinent. It will take a lot of supervision on your part. Good luck and best wishes.
If Mom is not fully functioning she may not be providing the proper item for him to use.
If there still are regular underwear in the house I would remove them and provide only incontinent products for him to use. Unless they are VERY wet they usually don't leak. Although I have to admit my Husband leaked quite a bit because he would do what I called "re-positioning" himself and if the stream flowed between skin folds leaking is inevitable.
It may come to a point where they can not care for themselves, and that sounds close. You might want to start looking at either Memory Care or Assisted Living. If you go AL find a place that also has MC and that will allow both to stay in the same room.
when he’s in my car, he sits on a towel, and if he gets stinky, I’ve actually sprayed his pants with febreeze.
Its a battle I’ve learned to let go of. He gets combative at the suggestion that it’s “time to change your clothes and undies” so, I’ve left him alone. I don’t invite him to my house if he’s leaky and malodorous, (where I can smell him over the cigarettes) and if it gets really bad, or we have to transport him, I’ve had my husband suggest that he change his clothes. He gives my husband no arguments so far.
The sad part is, I know that my dear mother, God rest her soul, went through this daily battle with him. She was in early MCI, but insisted he was clean, which lead to explosive arguments. Her heart gave out in her sleep..... was she stressed out? Absolutely. The constant verbal abuse from him, as an alcoholic and a heavy smoker with an outrageous temper - I’m not going to repeat what happened to her. If he’s wet, he’s wet. If he smells, oh well. I know he can get an infection, but it will be dealt with when/if it happens. These are his choices, and he has a right to make bad ones as an individual.
I know you want what’s best for your dad, but I totally understand how uncomfortable it is to approach the subject. As my dad’s caretaker, I’ve had to weigh the risks vs the benefits of each battle... very carefully. I ask myself, “what’s the WORST thing that can happen if I don’t get the desired outcome?”
Good luck and God bless.
Embarrassment comes when one of your dad's friends tells him that he had an "accident." So best to come from you.
My son has severe autism- functions at about a two yr old level. Rainman went from baby diapers to adult ones. My dad and I were very close - so he was also very involved in Rainmans life.
Rainman was 19 when my dad passed and up until just a couple
of years prior, daddy spent a lot of
time with him. So - of course this
included taking Rainman to the bathroom - Rainman is “trip trained” - dealing with accidents, changing, etc.
In other words, adult diapers and the need there of was a regularly discussed issue between my dad and me. Nothing taboo about it and definitely no shaming or embarrassment. It was just a fact of life in my household - and therefore, also for those who participated in Rainmans life.
When the time came for my father
to use adult diapers - like your father my dad had come off an extended catheter use - daddy and I discussed it in the same “no shame, just a fact of life necessity” manner that we had when we talked about it concerning Rainman. Silver lining tie-in.
And - that would be my advice to you. Treat the subject as a medical necessity. And, for heavens sake -
no baby talk or terminology-
and no bottom patting to test for
weighty fullness nor sticking your fingers ANYWHERE - not without “permission” that is.
Just straight forward, adult language and actions. Perhaps - as you might if you were addressing a catheter bag needing attention.
“Dad, were off to your doctor appointment in 15 minutes. Now would be a good time to put on a fresh Depends. I’m gonna just check to see if you need to, okay?”
My two cents - for what it’s worth.
Choosing the right one was not easy. I went with medium control. Perhaps dad needs to wear something with more control? Obviously changing more often would be in order, but if mom cannot get on board with this, stronger control? Changing outside assistance to one hour/day every day? At least with that, schedule say just after lunch, maybe he would get at least a midday change? The only other option is to have them move, but sounds like this is not feasible at this time. If both have some level of dementia, either more outside help or a move to AL/MC is in order, soon....
It might be helpful to write down the time you see them go to the bathroom with results. Time when you notice accident. People seem to go about the same time everyday. You can make a sheet with times on it to make it when they have gone.
Its very useful now and when the dementia gets worst you will know their pattern to help prevent accidents.so maybe spend the weekend with them so you can help them or observe them when going. Plus it can be used as observing how they spend their days and what difficulty they maybe having. Take a book to read So they don't think they have to entertain you so they will go about their business while you respectfully watch for cooking any stumbling etc.