My independent mom is ready to go to an assisted living or memory care facility. Any advice?
My mom is ready to go into assisted living or memory care. She just spent 6 days in the hospital. Her dementia has increased, she is much weaker and she definitely and she is no longer able to live in her apartment with a daily visit for caregivers. Truthfully, she probably should have moved into a facility before now. She becomes very agitated and uncomfortable being left alone. My husband and I have taken turns sleeping on an air mattress in her bedroom to make sure she is safe at night, and we are paying for caregivers during the day. The problem is that she is not social at all. She has always been a loner. I am very worried how she will adjust to a memory care facility. I do not know how they will get her to take part in any of the activities. She really has no interest in people outside of her family. I am already burnt out providing round the clock care but so scared to take the next step. No matter what I do I know she will be miserable and I am at my wits end. She is very unhappy and just wants to die. She is 90 years old. This is a women who was very independent her whole life and has always hated to depend on anyone but herself. Any advice would be welcome
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I can't offer what's best; you and your spouse are dealing with a very sensitive situation with someone who cannot really care for herself the way she used to. She will likely hate any decision that will not return her to her former way of lifestyle, but you and your spouse can only do what you can in face of the disease she has; and if that is best done with those who can provide that round the clock care, you can care for your own needs and hers by regularly seeing her in her new place than delaying the inevitable in her situation, and it seems inevitable to me. The question is whether you can give yourself permission to build a wall against the guilt for saying you had enough and that you can't do more than you already have. If you can, then set a boundary and give yourself the permission to make that decision happen. In the end, whatever decision you make in behalf of her, and for yourself, the dementia she has will not make the choice easy.
My Mom has dementia; and while I don't like what it's done to her, I accept the reality that I may never meet every need she has.
Earlier on, we made the mistake of selecting a room in AL that looked out onto trees and grass (what we would have chosen for ourselves). Mom HATED it. THAT made her feel "locked away".
My point is that you may need, possibly through trial and error, find out what really matters to your mom in a living environment. I never thought that my mom would adapt to her Independent Living facility (she joined the Stock Market Club!--who is this new person?), or to her Nursing Home, but adapt she did.
People on this board always predict that their parents will die if put in a facility. Very few of them seem to do that. Many of them thrive.
Taking turns sleeping on an air mattress does not sound like a viable long-term solution. If you decide that keeping your mother in her home is best for her, then hire a night shift caregiver. Can she afford this?
My mother was gregarious within family settings, but did not seek outside social contact. She didn't attend any of the events her senior apartment building sponsored. So her family was amazed that in the nursing home she attended nearly all events. She enjoyed sitting with other women for coffee and chatting. She blossomed! My mother also did well with authority figures, and they had no trouble getting her to shower, go to meals, change for bed, etc. (Her daughters were not sufficient authority figures, I guess.)
My point is to not borrow trouble ahead of time. If being in a safe pleasant environment with access to help available around the clock is what your mother needs, don't think you can predict how she will react to it.
This is so hard, isn't it? Know that you and your husband are doing your best. Dementia is a horrible condition to deal with.