I have been taking care of my mom (almost 91) in my home for the last two years. Before that, I did her shopping, paid her bills, etc. while she was in AL. I am already worried about what I will do when she passes. She has given me a purpose over the last years. My husband died by suicide, as I said before, while we were building this house, 4 1/2 years ago. I was in total shock for two years, barely able to function. My entire world, everything I knew, plans for the future that we talked about for 10 years while dating got blown up. I am shattered by his death and feel guilty because I didn't see what was happening and change the outcome. I then decided to take care of mom when she went downhill and was asked to leave AL. Her problem is physical, not mental, and I couldn't see her thriving in a nursing home with no one much to talk to. It gives me a purpose again to get up in the morning, a routine, a distraction and it is good to have someone to talk to.
It has been a hard road tho, with a sibling that I am now estranged from because she has been so nasty while I was trying to do good. She didn't want to get vaccinated, wear a mask, but wanted to see my fragile mom who had a pulmonary embolism from COVID once already. She threatened me with senior services, posted about me on Facebook, and turned my lovely nieces and nephew against me. They don't talk to me now at all. Honestly, all I believe I did was try to take care of mom and myself. Of course, they can visit (with a mask during COVID's height) but apparently, that wasn't good enough, I am supposed to give open access to my home 24/7. I expected them to actually say hello to me when I opened the door and they totally ignored me. My sister has always been difficult, cold, and frankly, jealous of me because I was older, even tho I don't know why--there's nothing to be jealous of. I have no children, had a double mastectomy and my husband killed himself. If you are envious of that, it's beyond my understanding. Maybe she's jealous because I'm the caregiver? She can have that, too, but has chosen to take my mom for one day a few hours every 2-3 months even tho she lives 5 minutes away. I asked her to watch her so I could go away and got a no. I finally gave up and stuck up for myself and let her have it re her attitude and snide remarks. Apparently, there's a lot truth in there are a lot of people who can "dish it out" but can't take it. She's one to cause trouble and then act like you're the horrible person when you push back and have had enough..
I worry about what will happen when mom passes. I will have NO ONE. I'm so scared of that. Has anyone else felt these feelings? We got married in our late 50s and neither of us had children. It's hard to be ostracized when you tried to do right by people who don't respect boundaries, didn't help, and never gave a dang about you anyway. I guess the illusion of a family is what I had but I still feel scared. I have no idea what I'll do or how I'll survive when my mom passes. My friends are married and lots fell away when my husband died. I haven't had time, being the caregiver, to go out like I used to and I never had but 2-3 close friends to start with. I picture sitting in this house day after day with no one to talk to. I'll go nuts. I make an effort to reach out, but there's not much response.. Any suggestions for getting a life again? I think it's going to be difficult at this age and there's been so much loss-but I'd like some good years and to make peace with myself before it's all said and done. Has anyone gone thru this and gotten themselves a good life after losing so much or left all alone? After having your life be caregiving and it's over? Because of my family's treatment during this, because of the suicide, I am hurt and feel a bit worthless, too. Mostly I feel misunderstood but years taught me there is no reasoning with my sister. Yes, I go to therapy.
https://www.amazon.com/On-Grief-and-Grieving-audiobook/dp/B07GDSK9H6/ref=sr_1_4?crid=3PZ08S03JX8JI&keywords=on+grief+and+grieving+by+elizabeth+kubler-ross+and+david+kessler&qid=1659483220&sprefix=on+grief+and+gri%2Caps%2C231&sr=8-4&ufe=app_do%3Aamzn1.fos.006c50ae-5d4c-4777-9bc0-4513d670b6bc
The other is Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, by David Kessler
https://www.amazon.com/Finding-Meaning-David-Kessler-audiobook/dp/B07P88B6J6/ref=sr_1_1?crid=35IK1TYU4PKBL&keywords=finding+meaning+by+david+kessler&qid=1659483428&s=audible&sprefix=finding+meaning%2Caudible%2C119&sr=1-1
"Kessler’s insight is both professional and intensely personal. His journey with grief began when, as a child, he witnessed a mass shooting at the same time his mother was dying. For most of his life, Kessler taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about end of life, trauma, and grief, as well as leading talks and retreats for those experiencing grief. Despite his knowledge, his life was upended by the sudden death of his 21-year-old son.
How does the grief expert handle such a tragic loss? He knew he had to find a way through this unexpected, devastating loss, a way that would honor his son. That, ultimately, was the sixth stage of grief - meaning. In Finding Meaning, Kessler shares the insights, collective wisdom, and powerful tools that will help those experiencing loss."
Finding meaning in life after the loss of loved ones can be a very difficult process. Plus, if you haven't fully grieved the loss of your husband due to suicide and still harbor feelings of guilt that you should have been able to stop him from such an act, then the first book should help you, hopefully.
There's issues for you to work through, and between these two books and your therapist, you should be able to make significant progress. I hope you can learn how 'worthless' you AREN'T and how much you have to contribute to the world! You can do that through volunteer work and by giving back to people in need. I myself find a profound sense of self-worth in doing that. When I give to others is when I feel so good about MYSELF. Nothing else seems to penetrate my psyche quite like it! Try it.......you will see what I mean, more than likely. Volunteering your time with children who have cancer is a very worthwhile thing to do. Running a Toys for Tots program in your neighborhood is another 'feel good' endeavor that may help you feel worthwhile again, too. There's a website called Volunteermatch.org that you can join whereby you'll get sent emails with opportunities to volunteer in your area.
Family is another matter; we can't pick our family members but we can pick our friends. Sometimes, when family members become too much to deal with, we have to put them on the back burner and choose friends as 'family' instead. I can say from experience that I have some family members I cannot deal with at ALL and choose to avoid them at all costs. That's okay too, because my wellbeing is more important than entertaining toxic people any day! So is yours. You've tried with your sister and it's not working, so time to put her on the back burner and focus on making some new friends who make you smile instead of frown.
Wishing you the best of luck with creating a new life for yourself!
You can't know how much your response meant to me tonight when I was feeling especially alone. Sometimes a kind word and someone listening makes such a huge difference. I am going to save your response and take it to heart.
All our parents are still alive, and what I can say I wouldn’t do is the model on which my in laws have been living.
Its been so uncanny the past two years, honestly. They got sick from two totally separate things that happened in the same time frame. They quit walking and then both recovered, two totally separate causes, same time frame. My SO has said he would rather them go in the same time frame as he doesn’t think either one could handle the grief.
But in reality, that usually doesn’t happen.
Im meandering a bit, sorry. But in your situation, I’d put a couple of your virtual eggs into volunteering somewhere or establishing yourself within a faith group.
Ask your heart what you’d like to do.
Volunteer somewhere where other volunteers are around your own age. The library. Serving food. Play with animals at the local shelter. Deliver for Meals On Wheels. Shuttle non-driving patients to treatment. I love dogs and driving (but not people) so I foster and shuttle dogs.
Good luck to you!
Which is, do not think you are staff or invingle yourself in their affairs. Volunteers while helpful were a burden to regular grunts whose job became increasingly about coddling them, plus they had this open ear with management.
For example, one year this old Karen went straight to the president about how we had prime rib at OUR staff party, which SHE was not invited to, but because of her taking offense, they replaced all that with vegetarian noodles. I mean please, these were people tasked with some of the dirtiest and heartbreaking stuff for barely minimum wage. Prime Rib was appreciated almost universally, but this person had to be the busybody. She had to ruin it.
Multiple things like this caused not a rift, but more or less boundaries. It was nothing personal, but we were told to treat them as public no matter how long they were there.
And that’s the key. Management tells staff to treat them like customers or vips whereas among staff, the dynamic is entirely different. I worked It, and when staff I heard everything as theycpuld speak freely among staff as opposed to public.
You sound like a person who has a lot of love to give and that alone makes you worthwhile. We live in a world where love is in very short supply.
Would you ever consider being a foster parent when your caregiving for mom ends? There's a lot of kids out there who need someone to love them and take care of them. If in your state you may be too old to be a foster mom to a child, you may be just right for a different program. In many states when a kid is in the foster care system and turns 18, he/she is out of the system. These are kids too. They are at risk of becoming homeless and drug addicts because they have no family and no good place to call home.
If that's not your thing, then maybe fostering dogs or cats in your home for adoption? I did this for a while and will again. You'll meet some wonderful people and make some great friendships.
Or volunteering for such programs as literacy to help people to learn to read. Or citizenship study programs to help immigrants.
There's a lot out there and a lot of people who need someone like you.
As for your nasty, ingrate family tell them they can kiss your a$$, and mine too while they're about it.
God gave us all two middle fingers. I recommend you use both with your family.