My 67 year old mother came to live my fiancé and I about two years ago. She wasn’t living in the greatest neighborhood, and we wanted her to be safe. We were also trying for a baby, and thought it would be nice to have her around to help out if we were successful. We don’t charge her any rent, or expect too much from her.
About two months after she moved in, she started acting different. Her memory started to get bad, and all of the sudden she was completely incapable of independence. For example, finding her way around town on her own was impossible. We live across the river from where she was, so it’s just a different suburb. You’d think she was living in a different country. She stopped making her phone calls, running her own errands, etc. The simplest tasks like using the washing machine are like rocket science to her now. I have to do EVERYTHING for her now, and needless to say she is zero help to us. This happened so quickly after she moved in that I’m hesitant to believe it’s dementia. The doctors are too.
My mother has also always had a habit of being parasite- like when living with other people. She sponged off of her sister, then my late grandmother. However, she could still perform basic tasks and figure out how to get around. This is a woman who moved to Europe (to sponge off a naive man), and quickly figured things out. Lastly, she’s been taking prescription narcotics daily since long before I was born. I believe that is a large part of the problem.
My partner and I are becoming more and more frustrated by this, and don’t want her living with us anymore. We both work demanding full time jobs, and have a baby to focus on now, which she provides no help with. He has to go to a babysitter because she can’t handle it.
She also retired with no savings, and completely burns through what little money she gets every month from social security. I’m perplexed by this, seeing as how she has few bills, and pays no rent or utilities.
We don’t want to just kick her out if she has a legitimate issue, but we are also feeling taken for granted.
Any insight or help would be most appreciated.
thank you.
I am feeling that because I care for her, that she is taking me for granted and definitely taking advantage of me.
Who is supplying her with these? For what ailment?
The doctor doesn't "think" it's dementia? Based on what investigations?
It sounds as though your mom has had some lifelong mental health challenges. In your shoes, I think I would get her to a geriatric psychiatrist and start there trying figure out why the sudden change in mental status.
I would also call the local Area Agency on Aging and find out where in your area there are low cost subsidized housing for the elderly. Get her on EVERY WAITING LIST you can. Sometimes they are years long.
Find out if Medicaid in your state will cover the cost of Assisted Living and get her on waiting lists for those places as well.
Is it possible she could have a UTI, which can cause dementia-like symptoms? Sure. She could have a thyroid problem, diabetes, vitamin deficiency, HBP, or other illnesses that would cause her change in behavior. She could even have early onset dementia (which can only be diagnosed by discounting the other illnesses). BUT the most likely culprit is her prescription drug habit and that's why she "completely burns through what little money she gets every month from social security".
Does she have Medicare so she can go to the doctor to get tested to discount other illnesses? Are you willing to go with her to help get this done while she's in this impaired cognitive state? Does she think she has a problem and is she willing to go? If not and you are not her PoA then you have no power in this situation except to move her out. Call social services about Section 8 housing to see if she qualifies. She won't like it but you have no choice, really. You must pull your head out of the sand and l@@k at the reality of who she is and will continue to be (barring an actual other medical diagnosis). I wish you much clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart.
the "doctor" that is hesitant to call it dementia...has he/she tested your mom? has your mom been referred to a Neurologist? or a Neuropsychologist? She should at least see a Neurologist.
It is possible that she has been having mini strokes. Vascular Dementia is a possibility.
HOW is she getting the narcotics? WHY is she getting them?
and stupid question here but have you sat down with your mom and told her that she is not contributing, she is making more work for you not less and that it can not continue. If she does not begin to do more she will have to find another place to live.
Give her a deadline. If things do not change she has to be out by March 1.
(you will have to be tough with this if you give a deadline so before you give an ultimatum you have to be ready to stick to it)
Research a few places that would work for her. Independent Living if that is an option, Assisted Living, (both expensive) An apartment or condo (something she can afford NOT supplemented by you) Senior housing or if you can find a group home in your area.
Also begin to research what other services might be available to and for her. Adult Day Care? Is there a local Senior Center that she can go to and get involved in activities. If she is doing nothing around the house I can see where it might be boredom, it could be depression if she has no motivation. It very well could be dementia, depression and rather than being lazy if we are dealing with dementia it might be that she does not know what to do, how to get started and how to follow through. If you are dealing with dementia it is not going to get better it will get worse. And if that is the case looking at Apartments, Condo or Independent Living or even Assisted Living is not going to last long she would have to transition to Memory Care.
I applied for Medicaid for her and a social worker is going to contact me on her behalf about assisted living.
I know I probably should never have had her move in with us to begin with, but I was genuinely concerned for her welfare and believed it to be the only option.
Get her a cognitive evaluation and go from there. If she does have dementia, she likely can't live alone, so you'll need to apply for Medicaid on her behalf for facility placement in long term care, I guess.
It's too bad you took her in to begin with. No good deed goes unpunished, it seems. I wish you the best of luck trying to get mom out of your house and situated safely somewhere else so you can enjoy your new baby in peace.