Is it harder to know if SO is getting dementia vs parent?

I was in a similar situation with my SO. We asked his primary for a baseline cognitive test. That was our first step. From there, they recommended a CT scan and MRI. Turns out, yes, it is dementia.

Talk to your SO's primary and see if you can get a baseline established.

Good luck!

For me it was easier with my father because the gradual changes are much more noticeable when you don't live with them.

It was much more difficult with my husband because the gradual changes seemed like he was just having a stubborn day since the symptoms often were not constant. It is possible to be totally oblivious especially when you have been together for decades. It is also more difficult when it begins at a younger age (before 55) where it is not even on your radar and it gets written off.

This was just my experience, maybe not the same for everyone.

I totally disagree with @AlvaDeer: "Does it MATTER if you miss the signs?
Because what can be DONE about the signs, and what can be done if the worst happens? NOTHING."

Dementia Research and Diagnosing has come a long way over the years. An evaluation by a neuro-psychologist can not only identify the type of dementia it may be but also make suggestions for coping as a patient and caregiver. There are several types of dementia and treatment can be different in each case. They can also make suggestions to the PCP or neurologist for prescriptions that may slow down the process. In the case of a friend's husband, he was misdiagnosed with Parkinson's related dementia and later properly diagnosed with Vascular dementia. She was better able to accept she could no longer care for him by herself at home. The demands on the caregiver can be different depending on the type and degree of dementia.

Once I understood that my husband was in early stages of dementia, it made coping so much easier. I could better tolerate many of the things he was doing and understood he was no longer the man I married but still very deserving of my love, if not more-so. Do I still yell at him sometimes, yes... but nothing like the conflicts we had before. Married 55 years... diagnosed with Parkinson's at age 40... dementia gradually progressing over about the last five years.

It might be good to address the hearing issue as that contributes to cognitive decline. Needing hearing aids and not getting them or using them has been shown to contribute to dementia. It has something to do with the loss of mental stimulation.
It has been true with my father-in-law and his mother as well. Once the hearing went, the mind followed after. I hope if I start to lose my hearing my husband will bug me so I know it is time to get hearing aids.

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againx100: Perhaps premature worry isn't good for your wellbeing. Hugs.

Or is it the fact that you are so stressed personally. If your SO is still functioning independently, is still loving and helpful, thank Gd and carry on.

Quick to anger is a sign, I even brought it to a fill in Doctor while at my appointment since my late husband would never let me go with him to his doctor. HIPPA laws prevail. There are many signs. I'm also a caregiver for my younger Sister with acute dementia due to strokes. Unfortunately drugs with many side effects might slow it down. I've learned to detach & try my best to not burn out.

Maybe it will help to hear some examples from others. My husband's father and grandfather both had Alzheimer's, so you can be sure it's on my mind.

Hubby's hearing is BAD. I sometimes have to repeat myself five, six times or even spell the word before he gets it right (assuming he's not doing this to punk me). But he understands me once he knows exactly what I've been saying. He accuses me of "hiding" his stuff ALL THE TIME. He's always done that. He has always left things lying around rather than put them away, so when I finally do, he of course can't find them. Sometimes I've forgotten where I put them. He accuses people of taking his stuff when he can't find it. Our sons used to do that, so of course whenever he can't find something, Andy or Chris took it. When we were clearing out his parents' house, I gave away an item that (I didn't know) had sentimental value to him. He was furious about this, brought it up constantly and swore that I did it on purpose. I honestly didn't remember -- there was SO MUCH STUFF, they were literally hoarders. Then one day about five months ago we were at our daughter's home and guess what--the lost item was proudly displayed! He hasn't mentioned it since.

All of these behaviors on his part could, in a certain context, be signs of dementia. I've decided it's not (yet); they are just irritating things he's always done. I hope you are able to get a little respite from the worry; I know it's exhausting.

Because you are asking us, you probably are noticing some behaviors that weren't noticeable before. Please try to get your SO to a Neurologist. They need to be evaluated. There is a simple test that also can confirm. Please don't be in denial until it's too late.

Again.................
Does it MATTER if you miss the signs?
Because what can be DONE about the signs, and what can be done if the worst happens?
NOTHING.

First of all. Join the crowd here.
I am 82. My partner is 84. We BOTH have hearing issues. He wears an aid SOMETIMES.
I wear one NEVER because it's my feeling I still hear a good deal more than I wish to.
We live independently. Active. Foster our dog, walk, garden, repairs on the building, cleaning cooking, shopping, etc.
There are things we are giving up and have given up. For me driving. For him driving at night (and he is still the BEST driver I have ever known).

BUT BUT BUT. Yes. We are getting forgetful. And we are doing the "I TOLD you that yesterday". "NO, you DIDN'T". "Yes, I DID, and you RESPONDED, and this is what you SAID."
And the "Yes, as we discussed yesterday, I did get the soup and I put it here rather than the usual there because...and I MEANT to put it there" and the "You put the oil in the refrigerator". And on and on and on it goes. Yes, we can still spell Forum backwards; yes we can still draw a clock; yes, we can still identify a tiger, a rhino and a giraffe. BUT.............

I will be honest with you as we have been honest with ONE ANOTHER. Some times we think the other is losing it. I mean, really, we do.
The other "elder" I listen to a lot on Forum is Elizabeth. I think it's ElizabethAK (but of course who can remember). She and partner are older than we are and are facing it down still independent as well.

I read my own writing here sometimes and the spelling and words make me question MYSELF. Someone brought me up on writing "fare" rather than "fair" the other day and I looked and thought "Wow. Another instance of losing it.".

You can write me PM if you wish but I suspect you and I are in the same place. "SUSPECTING". And it's scary enough that we all start WATCHING, WONDERING, WORRYING.

But woman??? What can we do about it.
I can't tell you how happy I am you brought this up. Or AM I? Hee hee.

Hi againx , I'm 10 years younger than my hubby, and I take care of my mom.

He is also a bit on the nerodivergent side of life, so I'm always watching for signs of dementia. He looses something, my mind goes to " oh, boy here we go"

After he retired, he had about a year where I was sure, he might have dementia but it was mostly him adjusting to retirement, retirement depression, and covid lock down , all at the same time.

Now he is pretty much the same goof ball he has always been. 😄

Id say educate yourself as much as you can about all dementias, be aware but not hyper aware.

Also I would suggest that you involve yourself in things he does, for example hubby pays the bills, so I'm learning much more about are bills and when and if they are being paid to watch out for signs that there is cognitive decline I might see them, and I need to be more proactive anyways

I would suggest be aware, but not hyper aware.

I also ironed out some more personal issues we had earlier on in his retirement, he became a bit to "manly" I guess is a gentle way to put it. He had to learn that we are a team, he needed to learn that anyways, but I needed to have more control over things, Incase he does get dementia. Now we are a team that compromise and he knows there is no arguing that anymore!

Best of luck

Will your long term life decisions be different if the way your SO behaves is due to hearing issues, ADD, or dementia? Frankly, there is always the possibility of dementia and it is always wise to have an escape plan no matter what happens in a relationship. Set up your affairs so that you will always be safe on your own. Who knows, you might be lucky and the two of you will live happy and healthy ever after!

Sign 10: Challenges understanding visual and spatial information.

Are you or someone you know having problems seeing things correctly? Or coordinating visual and spatial information?

A person with dementia may have problems with vision, depth perception and movement. They may have challenges with finding their way around their environment or placing items on a table. Sometimes dementia can be the cause of these issues, and it's important to see a doctor and an eye specialist to get everything checked out.

If you are concerned about any of these signs, the next step is to talk to your doctor. Only a qualified health-care provider, after multiple assessments and tests, can confirm whether you or someone you know has dementia.

Here is a list of the 10 warning signs of dementia:

Sign 1: Memory changes that affect day-to-day abilities
Are you, or the person you know, forgetting things often or struggling to retain new information?
It's normal to occasionally forget appointments, colleagues’ names or a friend’s phone number only to remember them a short while later. However, a person living with dementia may forget things more often or may have difficulty recalling information that has recently been learned.

Sign 2: Difficulty doing familiar tasks
Are you, or the person you know, forgetting how to do a typical routine or task, such as preparing a meal or getting dressed?
Busy people can be so distracted from time to time that they may forget to serve part of a meal, only to remember about it later. However, a person living with dementia may have trouble completing tasks that have been familiar to them all their lives, such as preparing a meal or playing a game.

Sign 3: Changes in language and communication
Are you, or the person you know, forgetting words or substituting words that don’t fit into a conversation?
Anyone can have trouble finding the right word to express what they want to say. However, a person living with dementia may forget simple words or may substitute words making that person hard to understand.

Sign 4: Disorientation in time and place
Are you, or the person you know, having problems knowing what day of the week it is or getting lost in a familiar place?
Have you ever forgotten what day of the week it is or can't remember why you went into your bedroom? It happens to all of us. However, people living with dementia can become lost on their own street, not knowing how they got there or how to get home.

Sign 5: Impaired judgment
Are you, or the person you know, not recognizing something that can put health and safety at risk?
From time to time, people may make bad decisions such as putting off seeing a doctor when they are not feeling well. However, a person living with dementia may experience changes in judgment or decision-making, such as not recognizing a medical problem that needs attention or wearing heavy clothing on a hot day.

Sign 6: Problems with abstract thinking
Are you, or the person you know, having problems understanding what numbers and symbols mean?
From time to time, people may have difficulty with tasks that require abstract thinking, such managing finances. However, someone living with dementia may have challenges understanding what numbers are and how they are used.

Sign 7: Misplacing things
Are you, or the person you know, putting things in places where they shouldn't be?
Anyone can temporarily misplace a wallet or keys. However, a person living with dementia may put things in inappropriate places. For example, a remote in the refrigerator.

Sign 8: Changes in mood, personality and behaviour
Are you, or the person you know, exhibiting severe changes in mood, personality or behaviour?
Sometimes people feel sad and moody, or experience changes in their behaviour. But a person living with dementia may experience more severe changes. For example, they may quickly become tearful or upset for no obvious reason. They may be confused, fearful, suspicious and withdraw from others. They may act differently from what is normal for them.

Sign 9: Loss of initiative
Are you, or the person you know, losing interest in friends, family and favourite activities?
It's normal to lose interest in housework, business activities or social obligations, but most people regain their initiative. However, a person living with dementia may become passive and disinterested. They may need cues and prompts to become involved.

Continued......

againx100, I have the opposite concerns. Since I learned so much about dementia from AgingCare, maybe I am over reacting whenever hubby doesn't seem focus, and driving now like the typical rib of an older grey haired gentleman driving 20 mph in the left lane with the turn signal blinking for miles on end (I feel like I am Hyacinth Bucket nagging Richard when he is driving).


Hubby has always been the absent-minded professor all of his life. Lately hubby is not as focus. But then neither am I, and now I am wondering if he is thinking the same about me as I am better typing out my thoughts than saying them now :)


I keep telling myself not to snarl, nag, complain, or start a fight because I didn't do that with my parents with their forgetfulness, so I need to have more patience with hubby who is still brilliant with finances, and could do his part-time job in his sleep. Guess I am just scared.