My 75-year-old mother is bipolar, and to the best of my knowledge has had cognitive dysfunction her entire life. But if she really wanted to learn something, she could. She learned Japanese, she learned French, and she planned international trips yet she never drove and never used the microwave. I can't find a rationale for it. My 74 year old father is more mentally stable and understands Facebook messenger, simple internet. I don't worry about him really. I guess she's relied on him for years.
Now it's just a new level of helplessness it seems. She was told by the nursing company that she MUST use a stair lift, which we have. My father showed her a few times how to use it, she didn't learn. I am now teaching her with my 5 year old, I can see she very easily gets "stuck." For instance, she can’t figure out how to release her seatbelt, she doesn't understand that to swivel the chair you need one hand for the lever and the other to turn it. She forgets where the button is to get up the stairs. I feel like nothing is "going in." It's like we're doing day 1 each day.
I'm not optimistic for her learning this on her own. But we're so tired of doing stuff for her and her not learning anything that my brother told her to learn to use the stair lift or she'll leave the home. Of course now she thinks he wants her out, she didn't "hear" the reason.
I guess we could have an aid come twice a day to help her?
My father, brother and I are so tired of her behavior, and obviously it's not completely new, just exaggerated now that we see her all day long and she's confined mostly to one room. Also my father and mother seem to spend about 75% of their time in the same room, and I think it is very difficult for my father.
a senior (even if only 75)
+ who maybe on multi meds
+ who is not safe climbing stairs
= a very high falls risk
There may well be some bevahavioural elements to why she *cannot learn*. Lack of motivation to WANT to be independant witj the stair lift.
Learned helplessness for company or attention..
Maybe separation anxiety? Wanting to stay in a room with family (shadowing behaviour).
Or of course passive agressive. Just DOES NOT WANT to use it!
Or none or those...
Maybe Mom just can't learn it.
The result is if Mom cannot work the stair lift safely & independantly, she will need assistance every time it is needed.
I have the reverse issue. Spoken or auditory instructions are not understood well - pictures work better.
May sound silly, but since your Mom is good with language, what about using rhymes?
Feet step BACK,
Feet step BACK,
Back of knees feel the Chair.
Reach First hand back,
Reach Second hand back.
Sit down in the CHAIR.
Make sure Mom is hydrated well. If Mom will eat the brain foods--eggs, fish, olive oil then you may get a tiny improvement.
Sugary foods are negative for brain function.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and operate my own business now. Let me tell you many senior clients who couldn't comprehend something and wouldn't do it for themselves learned mighty quick when the threat of being placed in a facility became a reality.
Honestly though, if you have a five-year-old child, your parents really shouls not be living with you because you've got enough to do.
You could hire an aide a couple times a week. That would also be helpful to you. Then all of you have to stop doing for your mother. Make her do for herself. None of you should come running when she can't figure out the chairlift. Or cater to her, or baby her, or come running when she pouts about something.
Either she will start doing for herself or you will see that she is unable to for real and you'll have to look into assisted living options.
Also, while she's with you she starts going to adult day care twice a week whether she wants to or not. This has to become a condition of living with you. She will fight you on it, but it will help her in the long run to get some socialization outside of the house. It will help her independence too.
As far as using a stair lift, someone may have to assist her on each trip up or down. At least that sounds a whole lot easier (and safer) than trying to assist her walking up and down. I can't trust my husband even using a walker any more because he doesn't follow through using it safely. I still am thankful for it because on a bad day, the walker helps me assist him a lot easier than without.
Losing independence can be as hard on the loved ones/carers as it is on the person experiencing it. But, that is the position the mum is in now - for whatever reason.
The mum cannot use the stairlift unaided, but at least it can be used by carers helping Mum to travel between floors.
Those traits come with our DNA. Since your Mom's traits are not new, one shouldn't assume she has dementia.
As my parents aged, they tend to pivot to the living room where the TV was located and the front window to look out onto the neighbors. Nothing wrong with that, either. The room meant comfort for them :)
If she didn't HAVE to drive then why learn. If anytime she wanted to go somewhere she was taken then there is no need to learn. If she was not taken where she wanted to go often enough I am sure she would have learned how to drive. (believe it or not there are a lot of young adults now that do not drive. With the cost of vehicles, insurance and many living in apartments and the ability to call a ride service...why have a vehicle.
As to the microwave...I rarely use mine. My 1.6 cubic foot timer is going off right now. I reheat, but could easily do that stovetop. As to cooking, stovetop.
Now the chairlift.
Stop "helping" her. If there is something upstairs she wants or needs..she needs to get it herself. If there is something downstairs she needs or wants...she has to get it.
Now I have to ask WHY did the nursing company say she HAS to sue the stairlift?
Has she fallen?
Is she a fall risk?
Is she unsteady?
If no to each of these I would question the reasoning behind the demand that she use the lift.
Get mom involved in an Adult Day Program that will give her something to do, some activities and involvement with others.
Get dad involved in a Senior program as well. They could go to the same Senior Center and just do different activities. But it would get them both out of the house and involved.
Look at this website: https://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/learning-after-60
In part, it says:
The more you learn, the better your brain is able to learn.
A study looked at adults ages 58 to 86 who took three to five new classes for 3 months. They increased their mental abilities to the level of people 30 years younger after just a month and a half.
Some people think that children and young people are more capable of learning. The truth might be that children are just put in a situation where they spend a lot of time learning new things. A survey of people over 40 found that 50% don't learn something new every week.
Tips for Learning After 60 - Challenge your assumptions.
As an older adult, the pathways in your brain are well-developed. You shouldn't focus only on learning new facts but also on learning new viewpoints. Challenge yourself by doing new things and exploring new ideas. Take a different way home from work, or read a history book that makes you think about what you know in a new way.
Work out - Exercising is great for your brain. The benefit of exercise for keeping your brain sharp has been studied a lot. In one study of 160 people, those who exercised three times a week for 45 minutes showed improvements in thinking and memory. Those who exercised and ate a heart-healthy diet showed even more improvement.
Website:
https://www.healthpartners.com/blog/aging-brain-normal-vs-symptoms/
In part: What isn’t normal for an aging brain?
Look for is the start of cognitive decline-a slow decline in memory, judgment and the ability to learn / solve problems – usually happening over a period of time fr months to several years.
Alzheimer’s disease is the most common cause of dementia in people older than 65, but it isn’t the only one.
Alzheimer’s Assoc list of 10 warning signs:
Memory loss that disrupts daily life – Instead of forgetting names and appts but remembering them later, you start to forget them completely. You may also start asking the same questions over and over in addition to forgetting info you recently learned.
Challenges in planning or solving problems – Making the odd error when doing your bills is OK, but increasing difficulty in following a recipe or keeping track of your finances isn’t.
Difficulty completing familiar tasks – This means getting lost driving to places you regularly visit or suddenly forgetting how to play your favorite games.
Confusion w time or place – Forgetting the day of the week and then remembering it later is normal. But a bigger issue is when you start losing track of dates, seasons and the passage of time altogether.
New problems w words in speaking or writing – Beyond having occasional problems finding the right word, you have constant trouble finding the correct terms for familiar household items. Increased difficulty following, joining or having conversations is also a red flag.
Misplacing things and losing the ability to retrace steps – We all lose things, but we’re usually able to find them in familiar places after some detective work. A problem might be developing if you constantly lose things and find them either in unfamiliar places (for example, your car keys in the freezer) or are completely unable to figure out how or why they appeared.
Personally, in my study of the brain and dementia, one MAJOR key is
M-O-V-E-M-E-N-T / exercise. 'Do' brain games before it is too late.
BrainHQ: Brain Fitness Program / BrainHQ by Posit Science - Build cognitive resilience.
Gena / Touch Matters
of a person doesn’t/refuses to do something and then has to - it will be a problem as they have g been using their mental faculties
don’t use-lose
it will take lots of time i used patience and only one thing at a time
done in as fun and relaxed way as possible
my sister refused to join the IT
world- kept an antiquated phone that just basically didn’t do too much including being a hassle to use
dont get me a new one she woukd say sternly I don’t want it
eventually I insisted I had bought her one and I wanted to meet her to show her how to use it
omg I said it about 500 times
sje still got it wrong
then she asked her teenage daughter
n even her who is the sweetest child in the world was loosing patience with her
i set her up in wotsapp
And told her how to use it to make free calls n send pictures real time
tokd her to ask her friends if they were on wotsapp so she can add them
then asked her if she understood
yes she said
i asked her to repeat what I’d said
ok
i call my friends and ask what’s up!!!
——
god give me strengrh!
—-
she had so many qualifications
super organised
yet couldn’t understand it
it took patience and mini teaching sessions only covering one subject over n over
—
now she’s texting n sending pictures and using wotsapp slang !
it takes Time
she lives technology now !
It may be that your mom just doesn't want to learn, and has to be incentivized in some manner. Or it could be a degenerative condition that can't be resolved. Having dealt with both issues myself, I feel your pain.
I am having the exact same problem with the stair chair. No matter how many times I show Mom how to use it, she can’t figure it out.
Maybe the stair chair company could re-engineer the chair so that it is easier for someone with dementia to use.
It has been proven for quite some time now, that anyone who has suffered with chronic depression for many years is at an extremely high risk of developing dementia, and sadly that now sounds like your mother.
And 75 years old is not too young to have any of the dementias. My late husband died with vascular dementia at 72, and a friend of mine's husband died almost a year ago of Lewy Body dementia at the age of 76.
You need to take your mother to a neurologist to have her tested to see exactly what kind of dementia she has.
And start educating yourself about this horrific disease so you can better understand what your mother is going through.
If your Mom is on medication for her BPD, is it possible she might be over- or under-medicating herself? I would also do some pill counting and administer the meds to her yourself to discount this possibility. The way most dementias are diagnosed is by first discounting any other medical condition that could case symptoms. If I were you I'd take her in for a thorough exam (lab work, etc) first.
At 75 she's "young" to have age-related dementia, unless it's early onset ALZ. Getting her a thorough exam may find a condition for which there is a treatment. There is no treatment for ALZ or dementia.
I don't think that age is relevant here.
The OP's mum has bipolar, which will have affected her brain over her lifetime, making dementia more likely.
Also, while 75 may be young for age-related cognitive decline, it isn't that young to develop Alzheimer's or vascular dementia.
My Mum's brain has been damaged by epilepsy and a stroke; she's 76 and has had vascular dementia for a number of years.
Having read up about the long term effects of cortisol and inflammation on the brain, I'm concerned about how CPTSD, stress and anxiety may have caused damage that means I am likely to develop dementia when I am relatively young. I am finally learning to set boundaries to protect myself from external stressors, and I am practicing techniques to expel anxiety.
If you haven't learned anything about dementia I would start educating yourself.
36 hour day is a great book.
Teepa Snow on YouTube
There is tones of information
Might be time to start thinking about a facility. For your, your brothers and dads mental and physical health.
So sorry you are going through this, its so hard!.
Best of luck
She may need a memory care facility now.