My mother is 68 and has lived with my husband and I for almost five years now. When she first moved in, we were dealing with TIA strokes every few months, she needed carotid artery surgery, she had some kind of seizure and was passing out from low blood pressure. I made sure I took care of her and got her health in order. I got her to quit smoking and start exercising; she hasn't had a stroke in three years or any passing out spells in over a year at least.
I do not ask much of her around the house, just to do the dishes (which may get done every other day) and she feeds our dogs once a day. She pays us $210/month for rent to help out with expenses, which does not really go far. I take her to all of her doctors appointments, grocery store, pharmacy and the YMCA three times a week. I usually cook for her, although she goes behind me and makes something else.
I have a 19 month old daughter, who I stay home with and was breastfed so nobody else has had to give her a bottle. I do pretty much everything for her, except for times she wants to go play in her room upstairs so my mom will go in there with her. I ask my mom every so often to help me get a meal ready for her or play with her while I cook dinner. I change 95% of her diapers and will not ask her to do it.
When I have asked my mother to watch her, so I can have a date night with my husband or we wanted to go to a football game I am met with contempt and anger. I am constantly being told that I am putting her out or I am ungrateful and take advantage of her. Is it wrong to ask her to watch her granddaughter every so often? I am constantly doing stuff for everyone else that I think taking care of my husband and I's relationship should be important. Am I wrong? Should I hire a babysitter?
The rest of it is a different subject. If you feel that the give-and-take between your mother and your family has got out of balance, address that separately. What are the possible alternatives?
If she balks at this then maybe you and she should start a search for Assisted Living or Independent Living for her. Sounds like her medical issues have resolved and she should do well in an active adult community.
With the increase in her rent you can afford to hire a babysitter and be able to go out at least 1 time a month.
I would not want anyone watching my child or grandchild that did not want to watch them.
Mom is better now, she is taking advantage and accusing you of her very actions. Time for her to enjoy her new health and get out of your home so that you can have a life with your family. She can come visit or you can go visit her. But she needs to go.
Good thing for her that you didn't feel the same way when she was having medical crisis'. She would probably not be alive.
Like others said, maybe she can look into an Independent Living community, so you can focus on spouse and daughter. And still keep in touch with mom.
-All the best
She sounds perfectly fine to move to a 55+ community or senior low income housing. This will speed the exit process up, no fight about needing a facility.
Do you have siblings? If so, then where are they in the picture?
Bless you for helping your mother over her health crisis. It is unclear if she still suffers from poor health. You say you drive her everywhere. Why is that? I imagine that at 63 in very poor health when she moved in with you, your mother and you felt as if she was old, but she is not. Now at 68 she is living as a dependent in your home as if she were 20 years older. Your mother is very young to have become so dependent on you. I suspect that is where some of the resentment comes from in taking care of your daughter while you go out. She may feel that it is her right to go out with you or that she wishes she could get out for a fun night also.
I agree with the other posters that I would not leave your daughter with her feeling the way she does. Is it right? No way! Does she not love her? Enjoy being with her? How is she with your daughter when you are there?
Now that she is healthy, I think you and your mother need to rewrite the dynamics of your relationship, including whether she needs to live with you. Your mother might, initially, be against living on her own but might be happier being more independent and self-sufficient. You say that your world is taking care of your mother, child and husband. Nothing wrong with that, unless you leave yourself out of the equation.
To answer your original question, “Is it wrong to ask senior mom to watch granddaughter?”, Of course not, but the fact that your mother feels resentment doing so on the rare occasion that you ask her means that something has gone awry in your relationship which needs to be addressed.
At 68, and in recovered health, your mother should be much more independent, and have more responsibility in the house and for herself. If her license has lapsed, could she renew it? She is still young and could have many productive years ahead of her.
First people, this woman may not be able to afford more than $210. I will assume she is getting SS and it may not be much if she didn't work f/t for 35 yrs.
But, that does not mean Mom cannot put her name in for a HUD run Senior apt. Or, get a voucher thru HUD. They take a third of what she receives for rent. She is responsible for electric and cable. Where I live, our Senior apts are very nice. There is a common area for visiting and activities. A bus to take residents shopping and appts.
You could approach it as Mom I think you are ready to be on your own.
Are there other members of the extended family who might enjoy babysitting? When my nephews started their families, my mother and I went to their houses and cared for their infants and toddlers until the parents returned home one night each week (one nephew had Friday and the other Saturday). When the kids were older, their parents often dropped them off at my house over the weekend and the cousins got a chance to play together. It's not an every weekend thing anymore, but the teen-aged older kids "arrange" the cousin play dates at my house still today.