Please help us in making the right decision, it really aches the heart ...
My uncle is about 60 and he has liver cancer and cirrohsis both late stages, and he is now been handed to hospice ..... he lives in the states, and his mom (my grandma) usually visits him in the states (she lives abroad) once a year and spends a couple of months with him ...
Given that he is her youngest, and I could say favorite, she sees him as the youngest and healthiest of her kids (he has elder sisters but all suffering from different illnesses but living with them) ... he is her pride, her backbone, her pet ... you name it ...
She hasn't seen him now for more than 2 years (the covid situation mainly was the factor) ... but since last year he was diagnosed with liver cancer, and he never told her because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways .... so to take the pressure away from both of them (that is what he believes) he never told her, and he told his sisters and nieces and nephews not to as well ..... during the course of a year, he kept deteriorating, and now he is in his last stages, doctors say he needs to prepare to die and nothing can be done, and they handed him to hospice, who are giving him the soothing care which is meant to let a person die in peace ...
The crazy thing is his mom does not even know he is sick, she thinks he is her healthy young son full of life, the one she always knew, ... she has been nagging for a year now to see him, and they keep giving her excuses so they don't send her to the states, they tell her its covid and its bad and she can't travel ... and she keeps longing to her son and saying she misses him ...
Tell me please, is it right not to tell her until now? .. her daughters say they are scared she will be devastated (which she will of course) .. they are scared something will happen to her (since her health has deteriorated lately, but mainly pscyhologically, she is having so much anxiety, panic attacks and depression) ...
Do you think it is fair to keep her in the dark? Because we believe she cannot handle it and that she will make a difficult situation worse?
Is it better she knows the news if he passes away? Or better to know it now and see him at his worst and be with him?
Please help us make the right decision for our family
Thank you
If it were me, I would talk with your uncle and convince him to tell his mom so that they both have the opportunity to say goodbye. If she is mentally with it, she will need that closure. If she is mentally declined like my mom was, she may not have much reaction or it may be short lived.
that because she is 86 she is not competent. I am 87, my mind is working OK
I still drive, do a lot of reading, go shopping , get into political group discussions
etc. She maybe not be able to do some things but her mind can still be working
and be able to understand what is going on. Do not go by a person's age to
determine her ability to understand and to decide how she should feel.
Some young people are too self-centered to be able to care about the feelings and needs of others. They may not care.
him during this time. It will be more devastating to her if she somehow finds
out about her son and that she was denied to be with him during his final
days. And she will never forgive any of you.
My mother was lied about her younger brother (whom she had raised) when
he got cancer and died. Never told her of his sickness or her death. So she
was wondering why was he not contacting her anymore. That did more
damage to her that telling her the truth. She was living with one of my sisters
at the time far fro me. So I did not find out until it was too late. They probably
did not want me to let her know. She never got over what she though it was
his rejection of her.
She felt abandoned by someone who has always been so close to her.
I am 87 years old and as much as it would affect me something happening
to any of my sons, It will kill me not to be able to be at their side during their
sickness and/or death. My older son had cancer and I was told. Went to
be with him (different state) during his hospital stay. Luckily he survived
but I will never had survived if, I and him , were denied the opportunity to
be together.
And have you thought about the feelings of her son not having his mother
with him at this time?
Please rethink your decision. If you have children of your own think if you will
like to be deprived to be with him/her (or deprivng them of your company)
at their final hour?
For him to just disappear one day in death will be hard on her. She will regret not seeing him these past years and she shouldn't have to feel that way.
yes it will be hard. Start with calls about him going to a dr, getting a test result, slowly go through the steps that should have been done long ago, break it to her in steps and gently as if you all are just finding out.
What is her cognitive level? will she forget and keep asking or will she understand? Maybe uncle can write he a booklet of his memories and value of his mom so she will have that in her time of loss.
There are so many ways to consider this, and you provided a lot of important insight - and in all that you shared, you said that your uncle "never told his mom because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways." That sentence says everything - These are your uncle's wishes and he knows the situation best - and that should be honored. He and his mom obviously share a very loving relationship and that remains. At this truly difficult and stressful time for your uncle, he deserves to have peace of mind and the family kept intact. You said that "her daughters say they are scared she will be devastated - and that she is also currently experiencing anxiety and depression, etc." I see this as your family being mindful and understanding their dynamic, and they are trying to make decisions in the most compassionate and delicate way to ease a really heartbreaking situation and not cause more hardship during this time. I think your family knows best and your uncle does not deserve to have his wishes disregarded - and I do not feel that her ultimately knowing that he had been ill for the past year would be good for her in any way.
It sounds like you are part of a very loving and unified family and I'm sorry for the pain you are all experiencing - and I wish you peace.
It's very possible she will want to see him before he passes. That needs to be her decision. Don't let him pass and deny her the chance to say good bye to her baby -- if he can have visitors. Unless her mental status is off, she needs to have some say so in her goodbye.
I would be crushed to someday hear the whole story on this and I didn't have a chance to see my loved one.
OK, but dying doesn't give him the right to make everyone LIE for him, especially to his mother. I don't think "his death, his decision" extends to include making liars out of people.
If I were his mother, not knowing and not being able to say good bye to my child would break my heart. On top of that, being lied to by everyone is going to feel like the ultimate betrayal.
lamataher - if I were in your position, I would tell your dying uncle that I would not say anything to his mother, but if his mother asked me directly, I would not lie to her.
p.s. Just say, if he wasn't dying, instead he was coming to town but decided not to visit his mother. He asked everyone to tell her that he didn't or hasn't come. Should everyone honor his wish then?
p.p.s Just thought of a way to handle this. How about your uncle makes a video of him saying good bye to his mother and why he decides to not tell her while he's dying. At least, she will get to see him and hear him, and it lets everyone off the hook for lying to her.
* I wouldn't say anything. When he passes, I'd tell her it was sudden and Covid related.
* I don't see any reason to tell her 'now' when he is very ill and dying. She can't do anything besides grieve more now.
* It is his decision and I would honor his desires.
* The bottom line is that this is a family decision.
PLEASE suggest to your uncle to allow someone to take a video of him sharing with his mom or write her a letter (that he dictates to someone to write) or 'do' whatever he can do now so his mom has good memories of him. Perhaps a letter to her sharing the happy memories he has with her - and encourage / invite her to remember 'the good times.' Give her this letter or video after he passes.
Depending on how he looks physically, a video may not be a good idea.
A letter on beautiful stationary would be lovely.
Someone can say 'they found this letter addressed to her' and send it. She doesn't need to know that anyone in the family 'arranged' this.
* Perhaps ask your uncle if he has a favorite piece of jewelry or a stone or something that he'd like his mom to have . . . something meaningful to him that could be sent to her upon his death.
My heart goes out to you, and your uncle, and his mom, your grandmother. It is a difficult situation no matter how it is decided on how to proceed.
Gena / Touch Matters
This granddaughter is asking from a very vulnerable place within herself.
From what I read, at 86, there is no mention of the mental facility if his mother / or if dementia is present / serious.
Compassion goes a long way.
The last memories of her son should be when he was healthy.
How could anyone expect a 86 year old woman to travel 'internationally' with Covid all over the world?
It is the writer's uncle, not her brother - Perhaps I am misreading - ?
What about honoring the wishes of the son?
I understand and appreciate you framing this with gentleness - how do you tell an 86 year old woman that her youngest son is dying in a gentle way?
I do appreciate you sharing your personal story.
Clearly, it is a tough situation to be in.
I am in a similar situation although it is a client/family. These are very personal decisions and I believe a lot depends on the emotional and psychological makeup of the 86 year old mother. Still, at 86, I wouldn't like to see her traveling internationally - during Covid and Delta.
Gena / Touch Matters
They are now both deceased and it is a mote point but in THIS situation I opted to not tell him since his memories and mind were already confused.
I believe Rich is very focused on his own experience and not seeing the bigger picture of others - of another's experience and family dynamics. We all do this here - this is how we share. It is a situation which brings up strong points of view. If the woman / mother wasn't 86 and living abroad, it might be a bit different.
IMPORTANT POINT . . .
Perhaps encouraging the mother to call her son and see how a phone conversation goes would be a good first step.
This is a tough position for all of you and I can only wish you peace on this difficult journey.
I recommend you begin giving your mom anti-inflammatories. She probably has her choice of OTC pain meds, like aspirin, advil and tylenol. If her liver is not damaged, out of all of the NSAID's (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) only one stops inflammation in the brain. l was able to remove my mother from 1/2 her aricept and all her lorazepam over time without any side effects. With AD, the brain and the body just can't keep up with repairing the damage in the brain and also fighting the inflammation that makes it all worse. If you stop the inflammation in the brain, then the body can focus on deal wih repairing the damage, and it will repair it. This of a lifeboat with a leak, and a cup to pour water out, and you never can stop the water and constantly have to empty the cup overboard. If you could just patch the hole, you could empty all the water out. Inflammation is the hole letting the AD water in. If you stop the inflammation, the brain can focus its resources on everything else. Don't believe the bullcrap. I KNOW. I was there. My field is Psychology and it worked for my own mother. It's unheard of to reduce aricept, nameda, lorazepam etc with an AD patient. I did it. Successfully. Some of you need to start doing that, too, and you will find if they refuse a pill you won't see as bad a reaction. Mama quit sundowning, roaming the house. Etc. Just take liquid acetaminophen, and the cup is 500 MG. Figure out how much is 2/3rds of that. About 340 MG. Divide that into two drinks and give it to them twice a day 12 hours apart, like 10 AM and 10 PM. Then start looking for them to start saying and doing things they used to do 5 years ago. Look for their negative behaviors to stop. My mom used to yell at me when I was in the bathroom to bring her water. She got to the point she would repeat it over and over 3 or 4 or 5 times. She wasn't mean, but she knew she had the right to drink water when she asked for it. But once I began her tylenol regimen, l swear to you all she did that again. After two weeks, I cut her Aricept and Lorazepman to 2/3rds the daily dose. Without ANY substitution of valium for lorazepam. This is unheard of. It's clear now that Harvard and many others are putting out research daily about the role of inflammation is a key factor in so many diseases and conditions, and I would say in all of them. You'll be thanking me for it.
Perhaps this son is dying from alcoholism as I am not sure what "liver cancer and cirrohsis both late stages" is and/or if possibly caused by alcoholic.
Point being. We do not know the family dynamics.
The son has a right to decide to tell his mother or not.
Rich, I believe needs to step back and be more objective about another family, other points of view.
It is ultimately up to the son, and the family.
I certainly wouldn't get into a 'long letter' about secrecy oaths. The letter needs to be sharing the good times the son and mother shared.
Nothing is black nor white. Life is shades of gray.
You do not know the relationship between this mother and son.
Did you read this part:
"and he never told her because she would be devastated let alone pressure him in so many ways .... so to take the pressure away from both of them (that is what he believes) he never told her."
The son doesn't want either of them to be / feel pressured - he's dying. Does he also need to feel pressured, too?
I would be so angry if someone took that from me. It's not right.
Just my 2 cents.
All she needs to know is that her son's wishes were honored.
Every one else has had two years to know and get use to the idea that he is dying and had plenty of time to say their goodbyes.
Mok should be told that he is sick and someone should travel with her to see her son for the last time NOW!
No one should have made that decision for mom of not letting her see her son before he dies, mom would be heartbroken and probably never forgive ya'll for not telling her.
Mare the reservations today and someone go with mom to visit her son.
PUT yourself in her shoes. If you had a loved one dying as horrible and sad as it is would you want to see the loved one before they die?
Of course you would.