Is it worth it at all to honestly and calmly confront an elderly person who consistently hurts and disrespects you?

The first thing I would consider is whether your mom suffers from dementia or mental illness. Is she capable of understanding what you say to her? If so, I believe I would speak up. If not, probably not, or only to vent.

My mom hasn’t been diagnosed with dementia, and although I know her mind is it as clear as when younger, I know she understands what she says and the implications.

But if I respond she will keep a version of what I said totally divorced with reality, victimizing herself and making me into the worst possible daughter with the consequences I mentioned above!

**correction, “her mind is not as clear as when younger”.

Rosses, have you ever confronted her? Would it really be so very terrible if you did? Why does she have so much power? So what if she sulks and skips a meal -- most people are going to survive that just fine and unless she is truly very mentally ill I'm sure she would want to eat eventually. She certainly doesn't have the right to mistreat anyone, and unless she is now demented or mentally ill and doesn't realize what she's doing, I'm not sure why you are tippy-toeing around her like she's a bomb that might go off. I guess I would respectfully suggest to you that the world wouldn't end if you insist on basic courtesy and respect, the same that I am sure you offer her. I'm so sorry this is happening.

There is no really easy answer to this. If your mother is mentally ill or she has severe dementia, nothing is going to be gained by fairly or explaining anything that her words and actions are out of place or wrong. It will make you feel better, but it won't change or help the situation. Your mom's health is breaking down, and the rational part of her mind is shutting down. Though as caregivers, we know that, it doesn't make us not attempt to reach that part. Allow me to say this: it won't reach that rational part of her brain.

If it helps you to explain it to the mother she used to be, then explain it in writing (to get your own frustrations out because there will be a lot ) because it will maintain your dignity and keep the help she needs while her health is failing. Any temporary relief I've experienced in explaining myself reached my mom's rational mind for about 3 seconds, and disappeared in 10 minutes. She won't remember what you said.

So anything you to do with explanation will simply be for your benefit, so choose what you think is best. Since I'm on the computer, I can type out my rant and delete it on a word document. As far as making it less difficult for her, I believe you already have made it so; she just can't express it.

You say you recognize she is a Narcissist and always has been, so nothing you can say or do will ever change that. There is no reason for you to allow her to disrespect you and treat you like a doormat though, set some boundaries and decide on the consequences when she crosses them... there are many threads on the forum and web that address how to go about this better than I can.

I'm not quite clear what you:

expect
hope for
would hope for if you were describing your ideal "fantasy" mother, so to speak.

Calmly, respectfully and (in the best sense) assertively confront her and challenge her unreasonable and unkind attitudes and behaviours, hmmm. What would you hope would be the outcome of doing that? - is the point I'm getting at.

Your description of your situation, and your account that you have turned your life upside down to devote these years to providing your mother with the best possible care, I find quite heart-breaking. You are the little baby monkey clinging to that cold, hard mother-monkey wire effigy.

Do you have any access to therapy, counselling or at least emotional support in dealing with this relationship?

There is also another perspective from which to view your shared situation. Try this exercise in assessing her needs objectively:

From your post, it seems she needs assistance with

eating, which she won't take from you;
pain relief and physical wellbeing, which she won't accept from you;
mobility, and she resists your encouragement.

Is it possible that her well-developed determination to oppose and deride you is actually counterproductive when it comes to her welfare? It doesn't matter that this is her doing, her "fault" if you like. The fact remains that because of it, she prevents you from being the best person to provide her care.

So unless you think the stimulation she receives from having you around as a handy scapegoat is beneficial to her - and I'm not being rude or sarcastic, that is a genuine possibility even though it then creates serious issues around your wellbeing - if I'm honest I question whether the current arrangement is right for either of you.

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me answer this question.

Country mouse,
My mom only rejects my help when mad, which would undoubtedly be the case IF I responded to the rudeness. If I let it be and take the high road then she eats as normal and lets me assist her as needed.

I’m fully aware that the situation is by far not healthy, however I know my presence here is helpful to her including being the ear and recipient of her bitterness.

Sometimes she says things like “before, when I was living in the saddest loneliness”, or “before, when I didn’t have anybody to even give me a glass of water”.
So, she’s better now, NOT happy, but better and safer.

That was and is my expectation; my presence here has a goal that I’m somewhat achieving.

My rational understanding of the whole situation doesn’t prevent me from resenting how incredibly difficult this is. I’m committed to this mission, and I’m clear that this is and will be probably the hardest part of my life, yet, I’ve chosen this path for my peace of heart and mind.

Because this is so hard, I question my approach! hence my question. See, in most situations in life when you make a choice and a decision, eventually there are clear indicators that you’re doing the right thing, yet in my situation, although I know that the underlying truth is that I’m doing the right thing, on the day to day that truth gets pretty blurry as I am extremely tired and very hurt.

Long answer short, I think the key to answer my own question lives in the specific characteristics of the situation. And that is, keep quiet as much as possible because the opposite will only move me away from my objective of being able to care for my mother.

How about the objective of you yourself surviving in decent shape. This is not all about your mother it is about you too. You matter too.

Mm. It's this bit, too:

"Unfortunately my mom’s ways and attitude towards life -and me- has always been the same, now worsened by age."

If pain or frailty or illness made her crabby and difficult, then it would be reasonable and compassionate to overlook it until the moment passes, and do what you have been doing, and let her behaviour wash over you.

But that's not the case, is it? Her battering you, emotionally anyway, and you sucking it up and *believing that this is the natural order of things* is just not a reasonable modus vivendi.

And your reward is a bare - very bare, not to say skeletal - acknowledgement that her life is marginally less miserable than it was when she was living alone. Which, in any case, she only brings up when she's dwelling on past sufferings. And, don't tell me, I bet she works in a little nuance of accusation about whose fault it was that she was living in desperate loneliness, with no one there even to hand her a glass of water, and I bet she doesn't blame her own poor planning. Am I right?

Other people can provide human presence. Other people can fetch her a drink. And because, while they care about her welfare, they don't love her or long for her love and approval, those other people won't get beaten up.

You are not the only person who can provide excellent care for your mother.
Keeping quiet is not the only way.
This is not your only choice.

R, I just went back and read some of your other posts. Your mom has cancer. Is it being treated? Has it been staged? Do you know how long her doctors are predicting she'll live? Is she still hauling around havy thjngs in the extreme heat and telling you that you live like a pig?

Your mom sounds like a difficult person who has some mental illness. It's also possible that the cancer has metastasized to be brain, causing further mental imbalance. So sad!

It seems to me imperative that you talk to her doctor about meds for pain relief and for agitation and anxiety. I worry about YOUR health if you are putting up with this barrage of constant criticism as well as fear, obligation and guilt on a long term basis.

I sincerely read every answer like a thirsty person, looking for a light that I might be missing. Because you know, everyone sees their own situation as the worst possible, and it’s easy to believe that and not be able to find any other avenue. That’s why I find this site so incredibly useful.

So thank you all for sharing your thoughts!!

After reading your answers and when I rethink our circumstances I come back to the same answer I’m living in. See, the following make ours such a unique predicament:

-I’m an only child, my father passed away years ago, no help from family and all potential caregiving options have not worked (we’re overseas, it’s not the same system as in the US, resources are scarce); while I lived in the US I hired several...several! people to be here, but no one worked, a big part my mom’s fault but other part they were either lazy, dishonest, irresponsible, or never came back.

- My mom refuses any medical attention. And I am respecting her choice, because she has gone through CRUEL processes to get her chemo and Radio treatments. Here in Nicaragua there is only one place to get radiotherapy. So people from all over the country come to that one place, my mom saw the most horrible cases while she waited from 6 to 8 hours every day for a month to get her treatment..by herself, because I couldn’t stay a month here. That’s not counting the horror of chemo and herceptin.
All that was in 2010/ 2011. She’s not following up on her medical status, like I mentioned.

- I don’t know where she is clinically. I know many things are falling apart, from top to bottom, but I don’t know if there’s something bigger that has onset the symptoms.

- Right now I’m not working, living on savings (truly like the wine and bread multiplication!). Looking for a job but seems to be highly difficult here. If I found a job I think I’d feel better, aside from the economical aspect, I’d add something else to my life and then I could hire someone that I could supervise being here, to at least do house chores part of the day. Right now I’m doing it all, caring for her, cleaning, cooking, heavy duty gardening (because my mom likes gardening), etc.

- About poor planning, I think it’s all my fault. Living in the US I procrastinated and never got my mom to become an US citizen so she could enjoy the benefits of medical care there...that being said, I don’t know for sure that’d have solved the problem. My mom could have refused that care, but still, I should have done it. My mom did her best at planning I think, she honestly wanted to give me a chance to “live”; so she came to live away from me. She’s a very complex person; she’d give up her life for me..but on the actual day to day is simply cruel.

- While living in the US I used to call my mom twice a day. My life was miserable. Every call was like a black hole where she shared how bad she was..or I could guess that. Not counting episodes where she vented so much that I truly felt like throwing up afterwards, I think part of it was intentional but part of it was simply because she felt that way, like “an abandoned dog in the worst misery”, verbatim.

I couldn’t live like that anymore. I lived in the US after a though divorce for about 10 years, coming to see her at least twice or three times a year, but I was at least pretending to live a life..was I really living? No, I was in emotional pain for my guilt of not being with her. But I feel I had my chance to build my life, or rebuild it, yet that didn’t happen.

And I think I’m sharing here my most naked truth! Life in a nutshell.

I’ve been the one that poor planned life, being an only child, knowing that at older age my mom or dad would have limited resources, knowing that my mom is honestly an extremely difficult person to deal with, that no one would probably be willing to care for her...why didn’t I plan better? I let life happen to me, now I’m living the results of that.

I’ve an enormous amount of guilt, even now I feel I’m weak for complaining about what I’m living. I read about people caring for parents or parents in law for years, and I’m complaining after not even a full year here and after having had the opportunity to “live me life”for ten years. But I don’t do it just for the sake of complaining, I really hope there is something I’m missing, an de that someone hits the nail on the head and I see that light that I don’t seem to find!!

God bless for reading and sharing!

You've been the one that planned your life poorly? Huh? I never planned that my husband would have dementia, or that my mother would. Should I feel guilty about that? Well, if I should I'm doing it all wrong, because I feel not one shred of guilt.

You mother has/is making choices about her own life. They are HER choices. There is absolutely no cause for you to feel guilty about them, or to go along with them, or to incorporate them into your life.

If you'd planned ahead better, could you have avoided being an only child? Could you have prevented your mother's mental illness, or her cancer? Would your father have lived longer? Would better planning on your part have made your mother a less difficult person to deal with?

You seem to have amazing beliefs in your own powers. If you'd only done x or y or z you could have changed the outcome here. You simply don't have the powers you are giving yourself credit for. You, like all of us, are only human. Believing otherwise is, in my opinion, delusional. Feeling guilty for being only human seems a very unhealthy choice, to me. Feeling guilt is useful if it inspires you to change some behavior going forward. I don't think that your enormous guilt is going to change your situation at all.

I think you are choosing to be a martyr. Caregivers sometimes do that. As long as it is your conscious choice, then go ahead. But, do martyrs get to complain? I'm not sure about that point. Most of us regular humans do complain now and then, or even more often when things get tough.

I doubt there is a "light" in my post, or at least not one that you can accept as long as you believe in your own supposed superpowers.

I have to agree with Jeanne.

"I’ve been the one that poor planned life, being an only child, knowing that at older age my mom or dad would have limited resources, knowing..." No ,no and no!

You are not responsible for your parent's choices. They are. You are responsible for your choices and your choices only. They have lead to you being in the situation you are in. Why the guilt at not being with your mother when you were living in the US? Acting out of guilt is not acting out of love. Looks like there is a lot of FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) driving your choices.  From my experience it is worth sticking up for yourself if you can do it assertively not aggressively. It may not change your mother, but it can change you for the better. A counsellor could help you gain some insights. I wish you the best for yourself. 

Have to agree, this situation is NOT your fault! Bad things happen, people get sick, die untimely deaths, or frankly live and live and live seemingly to create misery for others... Your own life is valuable and worthwhile. If you can carve out the money and time for it, I think some counseling to talk about these issues with someone would be fantastic for you. God bless you.

I also feel I can't say anything to my mother because she gets upset. She does not want to hear my opinion, which may be contrary to hers, and then she says I want to fight. I don't want to fight; I am just stating a fact, an opinion, or trying to set the record straight. So everything I says gets taken the wrong way. So there really is no benefit to responding to anything that she says. My mother comes from a culture where mothers are held in such high esteem that one does not contradict them. She considers me "talking back" to her. At one point she said: I am your mother! I am in my 60s! It came to me during one of our exchanges that there is no way that I can ever say anything to her, but I could turn it around, perhaps make a joke out of it.
Your situation doesn't mean that you have to suffer each time she says something unpleasant. You know already that if you said something it would do no good. Why not try to make light of it and turn what she says around? Think about what types of things she might say and how you would respond in a lighthearted manner. If that does not work I suggest limiting your exchanges with your mother if that is possible. Best of luck!

I "had it out" ONCE with my mother. I didn't feel better, I felt worse. She sat and spat venous things back at me, when all I wanted was to clear the air about some situations surrounding the abuse I suffered at the hands of my older brother.

Epic Fail.

I am in therapy, and probably will be forever. Mother is just mother, living her fantasy life and seems just fine with it.

What a waste of time and energy it was trying to get her to simply acknowledge that Yes, she knew these things were going on and Yes, she felt bad about it. She refused and then blamed ME for driving said brother away from the family (no, it was b/c he began to inappropriately touch the nieces and SIL's. That ended his connection with the family.

I would never bring this up with her again. No point.

If she gets snippy with me, I leave. Period. I don't give her power to hurt me anymore.

For those that have shared how it is worst to “talk back” I fully understand. Nothing is going to be gained, not when it comes to personalities and persons that have never look at themselves and question their own behavior. That is my conclusion after reading and thinking about this tremendously hard situation.

Yet, I also understand the importance of boundaries, but I think in cases like mine and many dealing with narcissistic or similar types of personalities, boundaries should be established for my sake, so I don’t necessarily need to tell my mother ‘these are the boundaries we will set and follow”;as actions may work better.

Discussing boundaries leads to a fight (or a monologue in my case, where she’ll just say everything that comes to her mind, no matter how harsh); yet leaving the room for example when things get to a certain point might work better for the purpose, which is to preserve my sanity, or what’s left of it.

I can die telling my mom why something is unfair, rude, unnecessarily harsh...that’ll just fuel her even more. So, I’ll rather leave the room, without fighting. For many it may seem it’s a weak reaction but it actually takes a lot more courage not to say anything. That’s what I’ll try, see how that works.

I agree nobody has died from skipping a day or two of eating, if that happens to be her reaction when I leave her alone if things get out of hand.

And just wanted to say something about poor planning, I’m perfectly aware that I couldn’t have planned for being an only child, or my dads passing or my mom being difficult, or anything unexpected. But what I meant is, given the circumstances I know, such as knowing that the moment would come when my mom would not be able to take care of herself and that no one, I mean no one, seemed to be able to be her caregiver (I did try at least 20 plus people) and that she wouldn’t live in the States with me -tried that, bad results-, AND more importantly, that my conscience would never let me be if I didn’t take care of my mother, I should have planned better in many ways. Now I’m barely surviving this, but if I had planned better I’d have more options. That’s what I meant by my poor planning.

Thank you All for sharing your thoughts and opinions, all of which are all enlightening. This website is truly a blessing, and not only for the advice we may receive but for the advice we give too, it’s good to feel that our experience with suffering makes us able to help others.

God bless you all!

I know I jumped in here and commented about my mother and my experience with trying to "mend things" with her. Failed miserably.

Now I applying this to my relationship with my elderly MIL. She has NEVER liked me, and made sure to be unkind to me at every turn, every occasion possible. She was very sneaky about what she'd say--always pulling me aside and hissing in my ear something mean and hurtful. Then she got sloppy and said a few things within earshot of my DH. He did NOT stick up for me (never has, never will)...then last summer, I guess her filter totally slipped--we were at a family BBQ and I decided to go sit by her (hubby has begged me over and over to "mend" the relationship) and I had barely sat down and she just let loose---a veritable tirade of abuse about my faults and failings and just, well everything I'd done to her for the past 42 yrs. In front of everyone. I got up and said "I'm done". Walked in my daughter's house and asked my SIL for a ride home. He said "If you leave, she wins, I got your back". I went back outside, finished the party--and later, wow, I heard from all the family who had heard her. Vindication for 42 years of abuse? Kind of.

My hubby has FINALLY stopped believing his mother that I am truly the devil--and although he will never stick up for me, he now does believe that she has been very unkind to me.

At this point, what would be the reason to try to even have a conversation with her? I'm done with her. I have a clean conscience about ALL my dealings with her--she's the one who has dwelt on small and petty things and made herself miserable. (BTW, she has hated my BIL and my SIL also. I'm the one who doesn't talk back.)

Sometimes it's worth trying to salvage a relationship, but sometimes, you just have to shake your head and walk away.

Roses,
It just dawned on me-your mom is from Nicaragua. You may be too. You said she didn't like living in the U.S. and I can see why.

I'm an American woman married to a Mexican man. Boy, did I have a "culture shock" moment (more like year!) The difference between the two countries is amazing -in terms of interpersonal relationships. I can imagine it would be that way in Nicaragua too.

In Latin cultures the mother is honored, almost revered. You would never think to correct or, God forbid, talk back to your parents. I think this is where Roses may be coming from. The whole culture is a "respect" thing.

When I first met a wonderful Mexican friend of mine, she was aghast  that I was an only child. She immediately "adopted" me. I learned it was very impolite to say "Catch you later " if you ran into someone you know on the street. You stop and converse with them, at least for a bit, to show your courtesy. During the time I was dating my husband, I was with my "sister" and I was going to be late for my date. "Con tu permiso, hermana." (With your permission, sister) Of course she let me go. It was polite of me to ask her and the right thing to do.

What I'm getting at is that I don't think we understand Roses culture. You are "hard wired" from birth to take care of your family. To not do so would be a sacraledge, especially if they are sick too. She is battling cultural traditions from centuries back.

Roses, I don't know if I've got the correct scenario but this is a whole other way to look at your situation. This "mamá" demands the respect she thinks she's due. She is also probably pretty sick (as the medical care there would not be anything close to the U.S.) In her world, when you're sick, you deserve more and special attention. (Sometimes the LAST thing the caregiver wants to do). My hubby needs a lot of spoiling when he's sick. (Big macho man acting like he's dying.)
Maybe reply with "Si, mami" "yes mom" or "Que tu digas" (whatever you say). It's not worth getting her upset and having a horrible day.
You could ask if she really wants to be that horrible to you and hurt your feelings? That would be your choice.
Talk to your girlfriends to vent and definitely come back here. We've all "bitten our tongues" a time or two.
Buena Suerte, Rosa.

Muchas gracias SUEC1957 (Thank you very much Sue),

Yes, there’s a lot of “owed respect” that’s part of this, but the funny thing is...I didn’t realize how much of it until now!!

Because I hadn’t been living with my mother for a long time I guess I kind of forgot (?) how huge of a meaning “roles” have. My mom seems to have an obsession with her always being treated as THE MOTHER. Of course when you add the narcissistic ingredient of her personality..that’s quite a cocktail, not easy to swallow! She truly believes she is mistreated by me...although I barely breathe.

I do say yes mom a lot, and of course it works better...it’s just some times, you know, when I feel treated unfairly to an extreme, when kind of stop and think, am I doing the right thing? Should I tell her what I REALLY think?...but I realize it won’t serve any purpose. Like many of you have mentioned it makes things worse, depending on who you’re dealing with and each of our circumstances.

Thank you for understanding the cultural part to this!!

MIDKID, that’s a horrible situation with your MIL, the worst part being not having your husband by your side to defend you or at least give you some support. Patience and distance I think are your best allies!

I am having much the same issues & have Always been the scapegoat & Always being the one helping my parents & all my siblings who are less than desirable people but my family, none the less. With my Dad's death 5 yrs ago, my brother who is in very poor health having had a kidney transplant & now needs a liver transplant. He is 57 & disabled. His 47 yr old wife as well as their 3 grown sons ages 29 to 27 have not & do not work, living off my Mom's monies which is quite large. He is Moms 'baby boy's & has complete control if all her affairs & finances. They have lied so much, I cant even remember All & it is obvious to turn Mom against me which they have been very successful doing. Prior to Dad's death, Mom & I spoke at least 2 or more times by phone, always laughing & sharing. I am the one who took them on trips cross country or week or more trips. Always shared holidays & special occasions with them, etc.. It is a 4 hr roundtrip drive fir me to visit & I even did 8 hr trips a few times for her to be at family gatherings as she refuses to spend the night. I finally stopped doing that as it was just too much. Now, I am the butt of All their lies, including Mom's. U just finally told them I will only talk or visit with Mom or siblings with a neutral witness present so at least the lies will stop. It hurts beyond explanation as if I am mourning my Mom while she's living as my siblings have convinced her I'm out ti out her in a home (lies) & even cut me from her life & will.

Dear ConcernedDonn,

My heart breaks reading your post. That’s simply a perfect example of what unfairness is. However an important question that came to my mind is, to your knowledge is your mom mentally healthy? Asking because your profile says you’re caring for someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Is it your mother? If so, would she really be better off living in a facility where she’d receive proper care? And was she legally/mentally apt when she excluded you from her will? Is she being taken advantage of because no one has done anything about the illegalities around the management of her money?

I don’t mean to be focusing on the material aspect, but it is important and concerning.

If she’s not well mentally please remember she doesn’t know what she’s doing. You have the blessing of having had a friend in your mom before her mind stopped working well.
Now, if she’s not been diagnosed with any mental illness, could it be because she hasn’t been evaluated? I’m saying this because it’s strange that someone that had such a good relationship with you all of the sudden lend ears to lies that she felt were heavy enough to destroy All she knew about you. Sounds to me like she’s not thinking clearly.

But above all, I’d keep in mind/heart that YOUR MOM is the one you remember, the one with whom you used to share everything and viceversa! That is your mom, not the one that’s hurting you now.
I completely understand your feeling of mourning her while alive, I feel the exact same way, have been feeling like that for a while. Wonder if that will make the true mourning a little less awful when the time comes..strange thought I know, but it does cross my mind.

God bless you and I pray you find in your heart all the strength, patience and wisdom you need to go through this!!

Roses,
Have you thought of keeping a diary or journal when you're angry with your mom?
Maybe writing down your thoughts (along with writing them here) would relieve the need for verbally getting mad at her. Definitely keep it in a safe place if mom can read English!

My mom is (was) narcissistic also. She found a lot of fault with me in my youth. Add dementia to that and it's a wild ride.
Good news, the narcissism does get better (as in goes away) as they progress into the later stages of dementia. But then there are other "challenges"! 😕

Thank you Sue!

Yes, I was thinking of keeping a diary..unfortunately plenty of material to fill it with on a daily basis! It is a great suggestion, might help me.

Today for example was a terrible day; since yesterday she’s been hurtful to an extreme and even in front of others, which is humiliating; to the point that I truly felt physically sick when I was out with her. It terrifies me to get sick with my mother and worst being out. I’m 45 and healthy (knock on wood) but since I got here not so much (blood pressure..taking meds but I think my mother outdoes the meds!)

This is just a situation that I don’t seem to get a good handle of, meaning I need to always remember 1) she is ill (physically and her mind is not well either, diagnosed or not), and 2) I’m the bigger person!

I’ll try writing on a diary..who knows it might help enlighten me to read what I write afterwards!

Thank you again! :-)