I moved my mom into an assisted living facility about four weeks ago, in another state, near me. Every time that I am with her, which is almost daily, she says that she needs to have a talk with me. That is when she tells me that she wants to go home, and that she misses her friends, and why can’t she just pay for someone to stay with her around-the-clock.
She is healthier now than she has been probably in the last two years, and walking way more than she has in the last two years, so I know that part of this is because she feels so good. Because she feels so good, she wants to be around her old friends, and not around all of these “old people“.
I know that I am not supposed to say things like “remember we already talked about this”, so that I don’t frustrate her, but her asking the same question every single day is such a huge downer on me. Especially when she cries!
We have taken her to the beach, to waterfront restaurants, etc., But I’ve gotten to the point where I can tell she is not even focusing on the beautiful scenery and weather. All she is focusing on is how she wants to tell me about how she wants to go home.
So, my question is, is it wrong for me just to bring it up when I first get there every day? It’s almost like I’m to the point where I would rather just bring it up and tell her that I know that she’s unhappy, but let’s just go enjoy the day. I’m just so tired of trying to please her and make every day enjoyable, and then at the end of the day she sends me down the road of total unhappiness. I absolutely hate it when she cries.
I am such a newbie to all of this, and I really am trying not to make her feel like she is an invalid or that she is losing her mind, but at the same time it is really sucking the life and happiness out of me, and I feel like I wonder if I’ve done the wrong thing and should’ve just let her stay at home and do what? I don’t know? Die? :-(
I don't really understand how the notebook of facts and conversations helps my mother so much. It started as a simple memory bridging aid when Mom moved in with me that had our address and family phone numbers, but now it's a lot more. Perhaps it could help your mother if you wrote her a letter explaining why she is living in AL and what her opportunities there are.
You can't talk her out of it. It is impossible. So, you do the best you can.. Sometimes, it is best to not see her everyday, so she gets used to her surroundings and succumbs to it.
Best to bring goodies for everyone, treats, music. It's your moment, dance with MOM.
Don't see mom for a couple of days. That does not mean, you cannot call the facility and ask how she is doing...
So, take a break, she is in good hands, call facility every day and ask how she is doing.
Facility told me not to see her for a week. I could not handle that.
Be happy around her. If she goes into that go home go home thing, tell her that spouse just called, I have to go now, I will see you tomorrow.
Just be glad she is close to you. You can stop by and visit as long as you want, and do it over again the next day.
If your Mom has been social in the past she might take to "helping" another newbie.
As far as her old friends if they are able can you make one day a week or one day a month a day she can call and talk to an old friend. (If the phone is stressful this would not work. My Husband would not talk on the phone, I think since he could not see who he was talking to there was no connection as to who he was talking to)
Keep in mind change is difficult. It is for everyone and as you get older it is even harder.
Remind her that she is where she is because you want her safe, you love her.
Try redirecting the "I want to go home, I miss my friends"
Many say "I want to go home" and that just means they want to be safe. Remind her she is safe.
She will make new friends but as it is for everyone it may take time.
If i were a really blunt person, I would remind her that her friends rarely call, but that would just be mean. I do know that they have their own lives, and that right now talking to her is probably a major downer, if all she is doing is complaining.
I bought her a GrandPad, so she has been able to talk to her sister and niece (face-to-face), which she seemed to enjoy. However, even though I emailed everyone the link to download the app (about 2 weeks ago) so they could call her face to face, at least 6 of them have yet to download the app. Ugh.
As I said, I know they all have their own lives, but I know it takes a village in times like this, and I really wish they understood how much I need their help and support right now.
And now I am going to call her and remind her she needs to be up early in the morning, if she’s going to make it to the bus trip to the casino. We shall see.
You can't make your mom socialize. That is on her. You can't make her happy unless you want to spend 24/7 with her.
My father was very social and wanted to go to AL. Then got there and expected people to cater to him. That is not how it works. So he stayed in his room and got old. His version of socialization was monthly trips to the ER. This past month I realized he had not taken any trips there....turns out he finally got himself a girlfriend. Amazing change in him.
My father was the same...wanted to go back to his old town to look around. The problem is, things have changed. No one is going to remember him. He got my daughter to take him to the restaurant he frequented. They changed hands and no one knew who he was. Now he keeps asking about going to his old coffee shop. I just don't have a day to waste doing this only for him to find they don't remember him.
If your mom is healthy enough to live on her own then she can go back home....however if she needs you to arrange the entire move, then she is not healthy enough to 'move back home". I suspect the crying is done to manipulate you. She knows you can't take it. My grandmother used to threaten suicide when she didn't get her way. Then people would jump to appease her. My father tried that on me just once. To say I was blunt with him was an understatement.
I agree with the poster that says don't visit everyday. She needs to find her own way there.
The other thing I did when visiting was have a prepared story that would address her fears, questions, etc. I would often take balloons or a treat as a way to celebrate that the issue she would be concerned about was being taken care of. I would say that I had sent the letter, filed the form, made the call and all was now well. It was being processed. She would be so relieved and we would enjoy the visit. Of course, this had to be repeated each time, as she would forget why she was there, why not going home, etc. For some people this may linger, but, with my LO, it lasted not even a year, before she thought her MC was home.
Mr R ... Jamie did you take the car in to have it fixed, Jamie, not yet Dad but I will.
Next day...Mr. R Did u take the car in, Jamie, yes Dad...Mr.R...good.
Next day...Mr. R...Did u pick up the car...Jamie, yes Dad its in the garage...Mr. R...good.
The AL is the kind where everyone has their own 1 bedroom apartment, which is very nice. Large living room, very roomy efficiency kitchen with a full-sized fridge, a large bedroom with an attached bathroom.
There are a number of residents that have their meals delivered to their apartment, and I think that it is those people who are more like mom ... they don’t want to be around all of the “old people” who don’t know their names, or where they lived ... or the ones that just don’t talk.
My mom is a very social person, and being around those type of people makes her feel angry. She feels she is being forced to live with a bunch of old people who don’t know anything. To understand mom, she wouldn’t go to the grocery on senior citizen discount day, because she couldn’t stand to be around all “of those old people.”
I have reached out to the director and requested a team meeting so I can help them understand mom. She needs socialization with people who are more like her. She needs people on her cognitive level to talk to. (She is there because she can’t remember to take her meds, can’t remember to keep her oxygen on, and gets easily confused ... but otherwise she is in pretty good shape.)
I know my mom better than anyone, and because I am a take-control kind of person, this has led to many panic attacks because I can’t control the situation and make her happy. I really wish I was the type of person who didn’t take things so personally and let this type of situation take an emotional toll on me.
Even though I dreaded it, I called her after lunch today to remind her that they were having happy hour at the pool at 2:00 this afternoon (over at the independent living building), and of course she told me her back was killing her and she doubted she would go. (sigh) She is signed up for a casino trip on Thursday, which is a great time fo her to meet people that live in the independent building), but I’d bet $1000 she will find an excuse not to go. :-/
How she thinks she is going to meet people to play cards with and talk to is beyond me. Ugh!
It's only been 4 weeks. If you continue at this pace trying to get her motivated to try new things, you will be worn out pretty quickly.
Perhaps the activities director will help your mother get a Bunco group going. I wasn't familiar with Bunco but I read that it involves 12 or more players, which is quite the social gathering at her age.
We also planned grand adventures out for my FIL. He, like your mother, was never present in the moment. He looked lost and pained. If your mom wants to go to the beach then she can tell you so and then slather on the sunblock.
My husband was blunt with his dad and told him more than once because he forgot, that his doom and gloom attitude was stressing us both out. I'm not sure being blunt with a woman who cries easily is the best course of action. I think that your daily presence is making her fixate on her old life, which she cannot have, and the crying is incidental. I also think that there's a good chance that your mother will adjust to AL if you give her the time and space to do so.
She thinks if she goes back to her old place, she will be happy again. No, she won't. Her friends won't be there. Aren't they getting old too and having health problems of their own? You mentioned they only saw her 3 times the last year she was at her old place. What is she going to for the rest of the year (362 days)?
She thinks her health is good and she can go back to her place. No, it won't. Her health is good because she's here at the AL place. Wasn't there a reason why she moved to AL in the first place?
Are there interesting activities at the AL that she can attend? Perhaps, you can take her to some of them and be there with her to get her acclimated, maybe you can participate, too, then leave for a short time, then come back. The next few times, do the same, but take longer leave. Eventually, take her there then just leave. She needs to have social interactions with others besides you. You need to work towards the goal where she can keep herself busy without you, so that you can just come once or twice a week. Maybe she can eventually introduce you to some of her new friends.
also what could you possibly have to say every day. Going there will become a source of dread for you
With my dad I focused on enrichment activities. I knew he was safe, fed, getting his meds, and warm or cool. So what could I do to help him feel needed, viable or relevant. We actually had him spend 5 days pulling sockets, baseboards and nails just to help him feel productive. We even brought one of his new friends to "work" one day. They both had a great time, had a nice lunch with the crew and were worn out and contented at the end of the day.
We had to think hard for things for him to do, but it was worth it. The only problem we almost had was when my dad handed a screw driver to his blind friend and said take off the face plates on these electric plugs, @&$÷hawaSTOP, those are live plugs and you are asking your blind buddy to unscrew and remove. Thank God I was paying attention, that could have been a tragedy. That was the day that I knew his executive function was gone.
This is harder than anyone ever imagines, but you will get it sorted out and find a groove that works for you and helps your mom.
Remember, you matter as well and take care of you.
My prayers are with you. Hugs!
I just want for her to be happy and healthy, and I guess that I feel like being there for her for whatever need that she has, will help. But, I guess maybe in some ways that I am enabling a situation that is crippling her a little bit.
Thank you, and huge hugs to you!
Are you sure she means her last home or is she wanting to go to a different home?
I would not see her every day. She has no need to make friends, you will be there. She can't adjust because she's not having to live there and make it work.
I know it is hard, but you need to back off and let her learn to live in her current home. Hopefully, she will even look forward to seeing you when it's only a day or 2 a week.
But, in the last year her friends have probably only come over about three times, and she is only gone to bunco twice, because she was so sick and unable to do anything.
In her mind, she thinks that she has money falling out of her ears, which is not the case. She also thinks that her friends and family back home will be there for her 24/7 to take care of her, which is not the case. But, in her mind they all love her so much that they will take care of her.
I have always been a very strong and blunt, shoot from the hip kind of person, because of her. And right now, I am wondering if I should just go to my normal place, and not listen to all of the normal advice, which is to appease her and not upset her. Clearly, that is not working for me. Or her.
But, I am going to do as you say, and try to step back a little bit and give her some room to maybe find her own way there. Thank you so much!