Is there a way to determine if someone can live independently?

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Is there a way to determine if someone can live independently?

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My brother-in-law (36) has never lived on his own due to short-term memory loss. Is there a program that could evaluate his ability to live on his own? I'm essentially trying to either see if it's a future possibility or if I should plan for him to live with us when the time comes. My fiance is hesitant to allow him to do some things and I'd like to either ease his fears or confirm them. He has already said he doesn't want his brother living in a "group home" likely because of some stigma he feels they have.

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You've asked similar questions about your fiance's brother on this forum in the past and have gotten some good answers:

https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-i-stay-sane-468499.htm

Even if he tested well to determine he could live independently, would your finance AGREE to letting him live independently? I think that's the question to ask yourself more than anything.

He can go to the doctor and be given a cognition exam, normally a MoCa test, to determine where he falls with his cognitive skills. That will let everyone know whether or not your future BIL is able to live independently or whether his short term memory loss is considered cognitive impairment/dementia and that he's in need of living with assistance. He'll be scored on a scale from 1-30; a score of 26 and higher is generally considered normal, 25 and less than 25 = mild cognitive impairment and so on down the scale to progressive dementia/Alzheimer's. You can Google the term for more in depth information.

Short term memory loss is a serious disability and normally prevents a person from living alone; they can forget to turn the stove off and burn the house down, or mix chemicals together to clean, not realizing the combination can asphyxiate them. While your fiance's brother may appear to be fine and capable, having a relationship & a job, he still may not be capable of living on his own. Only a qualified doctor can give you all that answer, once some cognitive testing is done.

Wishing you the best of luck finding a workable solution to this situation.

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Perhaps the answer would be an independent annex attached to your property.

My niece who is now 39 has short term disability, along with other problems, but she works full time in childcare and lives in her own house.
She has been set up so that she doesn't have to remember bills - all paid by DDR
and has a drawn up "routine" chart.

I think that short term memory disability on its own is not a reason to think he could not with adequate planning be accomplished, but it rather depends on what other issues he has.

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Thank you! I believe he would definitely need something set up to automatically pay his bills as he's never paid a bill in his life. He could be taught how to do so but likely would never remember to. Unfortunately, he's never been taught certain skills because his family has always assumed that he would need to live with someone else his whole life.

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I don't wish to be critical, or negative, but I see in this situation one comparable to others in which the female is asked to care for her BF's or husband's parents, sometimes before marriage, or sometimes after.

Something to remember is that if you agree and commit to your to-be BIL living with you, you go into a marriage under that assumption and condition. If you end up caring for him more than you planned, and you change your position, how would your then husband respond?

This seems to be the crux of these kinds of situations, i.e., that the woman is the caregiver, is expected to step up and compromise enough to care for the relative, and ends up ready to walk out from frustration of being the Cinderella in the family.

I don't wish to be harsh, but I cringe whenever I think of this kind of situation and how it could ruin a marriage.

I do understand your fiancé's position, though. I would research what's available and try to find out what specifically is available, including some kind of training that could help him live independently.

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Thank you for your input! I think my attitude has changed within the last few months because I'm seeing more that my fiance's brother is less able than I believed he was. Sometimes it seems he can remember things clearly, but then he'll do something like try to dry his clothing in the oven. We're teaching him some basic things but he will definitely need a program to teach him what we can't. I realize it's a great stress to any relationship but it's something I agreed to at the outset of the relationship. My fiance is stepped up a lot lately with his brother and does most of the caring for him, unless he's working. I do very little for his brother unless I choose to (like showing him how to cook his own dinner).

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Yes I understand 'stigma'.
Also fear of other housemates who may also have cognitive impairments &/or behaviour issues.

But living independently without the skills to can be a safety concern + a burden on those propping it up.

Does your BIL have a Case Manager? This person can start the process.

Having a Cognitive Exam is a good starting point. Then an OT can do a functional life skills assessment (ADLs & IADLs). This can show how his cognitive skills will translate into daily living skills. Will highlight the areas he is independent in, is semi-independant (needs supervision or assistance) or even dependant (someone else must do it).

Hopefully the Case Manager can refer to a social service, like a Social Worker or Disability Service to assist discussing the best housing fit. There maybe other options besides group homes, like independent living but with case management support & support workers for some tasks. Eg some people live alone but have cleaning services + a support worker to take them shopping as they need support for this task.

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Thank you! I think my fiance just thinks of "group home" as "no one cares about me". I've told him most are good places where he could learn more about being an adult. He does have a case worker who I believe helped him get the job he has. I'm beginning to see that his memory loss could end up causing more problems if he tried to live on his own. I may look more for ways to allow him to have a separate space whe still being close enough to be assisted when needed. My step-dad's son has a medical condition (purely physical but he's very ill) and they fixed up the upper portion of their garage for him and his family. It's like an apartment because the space is large. I always joke that my BIL is like Arthur on King of Queens :)

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Fwiw ages ago when I was venting on determining if my nonagenarian mom (in another state) should continue to live in her home of 50+ years, a close friend who deals with emergency response programs, said to me….. “can she get out of her home 100% on her own and be 30’ outside of the home in under 5 minutes? If she can’t, then she needs to be in a place with enough staff for 24/7 oversight”.

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I’ve worked with Developmentally Disabled Adults for 25 years. They can live wonderful full lives in the community. In nj they can pick how they receive their care. Supportive living through agencies supplies so many levels of care. Like living in apartments. Getting jobs, using transportation. Short term memory challenges is the least of the challenges I’ve worked with.
I suggest you contact your Board of Social Services and find out your options. Also contact the office on Aging and disabled services.
Find other families that meet and use them as your support and networking source.
By the way I managed a group home of 5 males that transitioned out of the antiquated institutional care level.
This home was in an upscale “regular” neighborhood. It was beautiful and our staff loved our guys like family. The residents families were always welcome and enjoyed their visits.
Help this young man live his own life. You will all be blessed.

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Thank you! When he does eventually move here, we've talked about getting him into a program that can teach him independent living skills and help him find a job, transportation, etc. Right now, he's working and they provide transportation for him. He's able to do the majority of things on his own, except manage his finances and has somewhat of a limited understanding of social norms/cues. He still acts as though the people around him are the adults and he's the child, so he doesn't contribute financially for things like food, bills, etc. I think if we can get him into the right program, maybe my fiance will see that he's able to do more than what he thinks he can. Even if he doesn't live on his own ever, I think he should still have more skills than he has now.

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I will PM you re a similar situation.

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Perhaps contact an assisted living facility - one that also has independent living housing associated with it. They will be able to tell you as they do this all the time. They tell residents/family when it’s time for the resident to move from independent to assisted.

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Assisted living is great. Some have different tiers of care—one resident may need oversight and regular meds, but another may need help additional help with bathing, etc. Some assisted living places have age cutoffs. My brother had a nice apartment with a small, basic kitchen and he had his own furnishings, nurses to deliver his meds and housekeeping to do his laundry, pick up his trash and vacuum his apartment. The assisted living nurse did an assessment to see if placement was appropriate and what tier or level of care did he require. As always, shop around and tour these places.

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Yes, a social worker can evaluate your loved one. I have found social workers to be of tremendous help. They can give you insight, direction, guidance and the confidence to follow through.

My mother is under the care of hospice. I have found the social worker to be all that I mentioned above.

I think a RN would be able to do this evaluation, also.

I encourage you to seek advice. I have it to “take a load” off of all the decisions, plus you are getting help from a trained professional.

Best wishes.

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Thank you! I believe he has a current social worker of some sort. He's in some type of work program that helps with transportation as well. I've mentioned talking to his brother's doctor to get her opinion as well. I realize short-term memory loss is very serious so I wouldn't want to put him in a situation where he wouldn't be successful. I also wouldn't want it to be a situation where he's living on his own but we're there every day helping him anyway.

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Emotionalwreck: Your BIL needs an evaluation by his town's social worker.

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Thank you! I believe he has a case worker and it would be interesting to see what they and his doctor believe he's able to do. I'm learning with time that it may be more stressful to have him living on his own vs just having him live with us.

Is there a way to determine if someone can live independently?

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