My husband is very upset, sad and crying. So are the siblings and spouse 2.
Spouse 3 and I are just relieved its over. I get along with him quite well. We sat on the patio yesterday and talked. I think I went from relieved to angry. I am mad and feel as though I have wasted my best years taking care of MIL. I am mad my husband put me in that situation. I am glad it's over.
Does that sound selfish?
Enjoy the rest of your life, you've earned the privilege!
If you feel you need to forgive yourself for these sentiments (I don't think you do), then go ahead and forgive yourself. I hope, when the dust has settled, that you and hubby can get back to just enjoying your lives.
Allow yourself to feel the good of her death. Not all deaths are bad deaths.
There is no right or wrong to feelings. They are simply feelings. There is only a right and wrong way to handle our feelings.
It makes me sad that you did not address this all the time you gave the care. I think that the person you are now angry with is yourself. I would seek some help dealing with the complexities of your feelings. They are all NORMAL. Try to see a Licensed Social Worker who does private practice counselling. They are great at life transitions work and at helping us iron out the wrinkles involved in caregiving.
I am relieved this is over for you. You have a life to live now. I wish you the very best of it. And again, your feelings are spot on normal.
If you cared for MIL, in the sense you were involved in her CG, then your feelings would likely be much different. Being relieved? That's pretty normal. I have no 'good' feelings about my MIL as she has been nasty and thorn in my side for many, many years. I really can't see myself feeling anything when she dies. It will be hard on DH as he has massive mountains of guilt (which are appropriate in his case) about how he feels about her--since My mom passed, he has gone to HIS mom's about 4 times. That is a record, usually he sees her twice a year. I know he's experiencing pre-grief, b/c there is no way he can fix that relationship at this stage of the game.
Your feelings are valid and no, you're not selfish. Quite the opposite.
Your MIL had no quality of life, for many years, as her boots on the ground caregiver, seeing the slow decline causes grief and anticipatory loss for years, often all the tears have already been shed by the time body death occurs.
We all grieve how we grieve and it is as individual as our finger prints. Please do not let your inlaws beat on you verbally anymore. You helped their mom when they wouldn't, they are feeling ashamed right now and appear to be the kind of people that hurt others so they don't have to look at themselves.
Just be there for your husband the best you can and ignore the others as much as you can.
Edit: there are cultures that celebrate death. Personally, I want everyone that I love and loves me to invite every sad or lonely person they know and to have a party at my death with lots of laughter, love, hugs and dancing (in the rain, if possible). Celebrate my life and the fact that I have gone on to my reward.
I keep hearing the song:
Ding, dong the witch is dead in my head right now.
Spouse 3 and I told our spouses today that neither of us would attend the memorial. MIL was nice when she needed something but not nice most of the time. She was horrible to Spouse 3.
Sibling 4 announced the death on Facebook and set up a Go Fund Me for burial expenses. The burial was prepaid years ago. You can guess where that money will go. MIL's siblings are calling about the service. They have not seen or talked to her in years.
Before they left for sibling 2's house since 4 can not be here. My husband told me in private he was also considering not going because of 4 and 2's spouse who put on a show when she lives not far away and has not visited MIL since last Christmas. He also does not respect his aunts and uncles.
I think most Caregivers feel relief. Don't worry if u don't grieve. She didn't seem to be a loveable person. Let husband have his grieving time. I so hope there is a lot of guilt there. Let him talk but don't make comments. As "if you had been a little more involved in her care..." You did what your husband expected of you. You put up with a miserable woman who even her children didn't want to care for. You should have no regrets. You tried to tell them, and you were ignored. Its now time to work on you. Where are you going from here? What are you going to do with the rest of your life?
MIL collected sunflowers and chickens, her loveseat that was in her room was upholstered with chickens. I want to get a dumpster and throw it all out. It is so ugly.
Make my home feel like my home not a place I lived to care for her.
I pray this is a new beginning for you and husband. You no longer have the care of his Mom. That burden has been lifted from your shoulders. Please, do not let him get sucked in by his siblings. No caring for them in anyway and no giving of money. Maybe you should write up a contract like Burnt is going to do and both sign it.
Good Luck and keep us updated. May #3 spouse, you and DH should have a nice dinner and a farewell toast to Mom.😊
My mom spent my dad's wake telling everyone how relieved she was that he was dead. She meant it in the best possible way--he was out of pain, in Heaven and she wasn't worried about him any more. A couple of folks were "shocked" by her setiments, but had grieved his loss long before the end.
MilHell, sounds like you should do what you think best for you and now that caregiving is over, try to repair your marriage, if you want to continue in it.
My FIL was a mostly decent guy, but he loved to start arguments over politics and religion and to stir the pot. There was nothing else to talk about in his life, and when he started pulling that with his grandchildren (my son in particular), I'd had about enough of him. Frankly, he was a pain to be around. When he fell and hit his head then was too stubborn to get checked out, he was dead in 36 hours.
Did I cry over his death? Nope.
Do I feel guilty about it? Nope.
I was "fortunate" in that my mother and my FIL both went into the hospital within two hours of one another and at opposite ends of the state. I wasn't able to be with my husband and his family as they all stood around wailing, because I was at my own mother's side. That was good for everyone, because I'm sure I'd have gotten the side-eye for not grieving adequately. I saw it as the death of a not-terribly nice guy who selfishly made his wife a widow sooner than necessary.
Your feelings are your feelings. Own them, and don't worry what others think.
I know it is petty but I may lose my job over stating the facts and calling HR a fraud.
I am scared over tomorrow.
But, lets get thru her funeral and what comes after first.
Yesterday, at the meeting, 4 used 2's computer for airline tickets supposedly. Since 1, 2 and 3 had access to monitor bank activity, 4 used a saved password to transfer the $536 dollars into their account. The spouse of 2 also has money missing and unauthorized credit card charges. 3's spouse and I knew this would happen. 2 filed a police report but proof of death is needed.