Dad moved in 2 years ago. Its fine, it has its moments (most of the time). My wife and I were just getting into the empty nest groove and wham. No privacy. I have a good size house he has his own living room and bed and bath. But ever since our relationship has gotten a bit strained. We cant have conversations as he hears every word ("I Have bed hearing" B.S.) that he tells everyone what we say. My wife is stressed at work now home which makes for tense times. I work out of the house so I am here all day. I want to get out she wants to stay home. I want to go on vacation she is fine staying home. We cant go away without having someone keep an eye on him (he is able just lazy). She is afraid he will burn the house down or something else.
Anyway it has made for tense times not all the time just getting worse. We try to get out, mostly when he is out. (That nagging guilt I have for going out when he is home). I try to schedule vacations but she balks and then I just cancel the plans...... Plus having someone in the house has sprayed some water on the romance fire if you know what I mean...... Just before this all happened it was really getting good then...........
Anyone else experience this?
There have been so many posts on difficulties of a live-in parent, or live-in adult families - in many ways it just doesn't seem workable under the best of circumstances. But I recall before your father moved in that you approached it like a business issue, very professional, analyzing your options and working out potential solutions.
So it's sad to learn that there are still some divisive issues arising. There's just too much sadness on this forum.
One issue about which I would be not only concerned but annoyed is that your father repeats what you and your wife discuss. That's absolutely intolerable. I assume you've addressed this with him, but his behavioral changes aren't necessarily controllable, or perhaps even recognized by him.
You could discuss his foibles in front of company, but that's really a retaliatory tactic, even though it would probably embarrass him enough that he might reconsider his tale telling. However, as I recall, there's some dementia present so he might not have the analytical function to realize that if he repeats what you say, you can turn around and do the same.
Some years ago someone wrote requesting help on a DIY forum for soundproofing rooms. I don't recall what the suggestions were, but they were from people experienced in construction.
You might consider that as an option. I have a vague recollection that there are soundproofing materials that can be applied to walls, such as your bedroom walls, to block transmission. There are a few decent DIY forums where some of the knowledgeable posters went if you want those links.
That doesn't address casual or mealtime conversations though.
I'm wondering if your father just doesn't have enough going on in his life to challenge him, things he can brag about doing himself, and he falls back on "living" your life vicariously through repeating what you discuss. Long shot, maybe, but if you can figure out why he's repeating your personal conversations, it might help with a solution. It's probably like finding a needle in the proverbial haystack though.
Does your wife work at a corporation that has family counseling? That might help her at work, but it could also have the opposite effect. My experience with corporations is that frequently a "corporate man" or "corporate woman" is a blabbermouth, reporting anything that he/she thinks might affect someone's performance to the higher-ups, and perhaps gaining brownie points in the process.
Are there any caregiver support groups in your area?
There's also the question that perhaps it's time for him to live in AL or IL. I don't suggest this lightly, but perhaps if he has more companionship of his own age, he won't focus so much on living your life vicariously through repetition of your conversations.
But the best benefit is that you would regain your privacy.
Another alternative is one I'm not sure of, as I'm not that familiar with how AL and IL facilities operate. That would be respite care, perhaps one week out of a month, in which he resides there and you have the house to yourselves.
It might also be the first step to addressing his living somewhere other than your house.
But I would explore the soundproofing of walls as a first option.
And unfortunately, it will probably do no good to request that your dad not carry tales. You'll have to just watch what you say - that's lousy, I know, but it is the realistic action to take. If you are able to take time out with your wife, I suggest you set a short time limit on discussing Dad-related matters, then move to normal people talk. It'll help you two have a relaxing time out.
It is just hard. He can talk on his cell phone with a whisper when he wants to and the next conversation in 30 seconds is on speaker phone. I installed french doors in my office for privacy when we bought the house (the reason I bought the house) and it is now his living room. We have to close them when he watches TV as we hear it in our living room. Yesterday he was on the phone with his sister and he (He was talking very loud) said "they don't let me cook because they don't like the kind of food I cook)..... so now I am the bastard son to the family? He tells everyone how much I take care of him and then turns around and tells people behind my back that I "don't let him cook". He can cook any time he wants and I have told him so. Last week he bought oysters that I had to shuck for him,...... Saturday he asked me to make cupcakes to take to church for Sunday coffee hour then tells me they were OK...... so I am the bad guy here because I don't let him cook "tripe (cow stomach), herring in cream sauce (he has in the fridge), beef tongue, ham hocks, split pea soup, liver and onions.... all this stuff my mom wouldn't cook because it is unhealthy! So I am the bad guy? I told him no more rice pudding (he'd make a 4 quart dish and eat it in 3 days). He is DIABETIC! He is on meds for DIABETES... I try to cook low calorie (I am trying to lose weight), he wont listen. We are trying to cook high protein and low carb. I think I am a pretty good cook, most everything is from scratch every night. high veggie count, fresh food, meats and fish..... I do all the shopping, I by him fresh local milk in glass containers (more expensive) that he drinks (I use very little). Its not so bad living at this local hotel apparently.
As far as stacyb, yes the sex part..... through the floor..... and getting worse. There is no privacy. All we seem to do when we have an hour or 2 to ourselves is complain about him. I can't do romantic dinners as if he is out his timing seems to be just as we sit down he pulls in the driveway.... even if he is planned to be out for the evening ("oh I got the wrong night").
I have tried, just when I do it smacks me in the face. My daughter was home for the weekend. he cant hold a conversation he can only tell stories, then when it is of no interest to him he leaves. Then he expects people to come see him in his living room. The kids are leaving and he wont even come out to say goodbye waits for them to search him out.
I adore my wife but things are tense here and we cant get away and now I know why the family does not call me. They think I am the bad guy because I "don't let him cook".... Cook already, just don't expect me to eat it.... and use soap when you do the dishes I really don't like dirty pots and pans in my pantry, Oh I guess that makes me a bad guy too.... "I'm such an ass."