Just want out. Advice?

Wow, this is horrible and intolerable.

Something needs to be done ASAP. How long has this been going on? She's got some serious issues that these doctors need to address! You can NOT live like this. She's going to seriously hurt you or herself.

If it were me, I'd call 911 next time she threatens you or is getting physical with you. This is abusive and her meds need some serious adjustment! I would say that I am scared of her. And once she leaves, I would refuse to allow her back home. If she is in a facility, I bet they will figure out the med situation VERY quickly.

Be careful and take care of yourself.

Sharon, you can call the police and report a mental illness case that involves domestic violence and destruction of personal property. They will respond and transport her for treatment.

I think that you may have to do this so that she can get the care she needs. It's just atrocious that no doctors are helping her.

You matter as well and you are out of your depth. Time for the hard choices.

I pray that you find a way to do this.

Great big warm hug!

911. Do NOT go to the hospital with her and refuse to pick her up.

I know that this sounds heartless. But stepping back may be the only way to get her the help she deserves.

Geeeeez,

You’re in way over your head! I don’t know how you are still standing. Your story reads like a nightmare.

I am so very sorry that you are in this situation. Of course, you are beyond exhausted. I would be afraid of being harmed or of her accidentally harming herself.

Does she sleep at night or is her behavior totally erratic at all hours?

I wouldn’t hesitate to call 911 immediately for her behavior and hope with all my heart and soul that they will find a way to help her.

I can’t even imagine how much this must effect you emotionally. On one hand, this is your mom. On the other hand, she is an ‘out of control’ person that you can’t possibly connect with.

I hope and pray for peace in your life, now and when this situation is resolved for you and your mom.

Forgive my question if it's a bit naive, but how is she not being Rx'd benzodiazepines at this point? Or something even more powerful if those aren't enough for complex comorbidity. I don't know how old your mom is (75, I see it now) but the time for any doctor's concern about long-term negative effects seems mitigated by the circumstances. Why won't they give her something to calm her? Have they given any reason for that other than it's not their wheelhouse or not their expertise? Of course it's neurological, what does that even mean? You still have to treat behavioral symptoms, for the patient's sake and others around them.

I'm sorry for your circumstances. Sounds terrible. And you might have to do something drastic, like "dump" her at an ER, to get your need for help across in a way that someone finally implements a meds plan for her. :-/

Next time she starts one of her tirades and gets physical, especially if she lays hands on you, call 911 and let the police or emt take her to th hospital. Let them know she is physically attacking you!! Maybe then she can get the help she so desperately needs. And DO NOT take her back to your home. Tell the social worker that she needs to be placed, you can no longer keep being attacked in your own home. Stand firm on this. Keep repeating if necessary. And shame on her drs that dont help her and you as well!! Hugs and prayers for you! Liz

This was in one of your previous posts: "There's no money for a home, and my brother basically gave the job to me. He only wants to visit occasionally. I had a terrible childhood, she was mean before and she's mean now. I get so sick of people acting like everyone is taking care of a national treasure. Bad people get dementia and need caregivers too. It's horrible."

And your mother is only 75?! How many years will this go on????

PLEASE PLEASE read and heed the excellent advice already given. You do NOT have to continue to put up with this nightmarish situation! It's clear that everyone, include the medical professionals, expects you to "put up and shut up." I hate that!

Are you the only one with POA, HCPOA? (I'm assuming you have those?)

I worry for your health -- physical, mental and emotional. You are a prisoner to your mother's illness. Keep posting here, and we will encourage you to remove yourself from this situation (remove your mother from your home).

Excellent advice already given. Please get yourself out of this, it’s not your fault that it’s completely out of your ability to handle. Guard your health, there aren’t many second chances to get it back

OMG!!! How have you managed to stand this for more than an hour!! She's going to seriously injure you. As has been suggested, when she starts on her next jag, call 911 (not non emergency number as it might take forever for them to get to you) and tell them that you are being attacked and don't try to sound calm when you make the call. Sound as terrified as you should be .... a little hysterical if need be. They will come and hopefully she will still be on a jag and they will transport her to a hospital which hopefully will transfer to a psych hospital. If necessary file a police report to document any injuries you have or damage to your home. Not sure if the home belongs to you or her but don't let them discharge her back to you!! Also get in touch with your state's Dept on Aging and get some advice from them as to how to best protect yourself while overseeing your Mom.

Good Luck!

Thank you all so much. It helps just feeling like someone hears you and gets that you're overwhelmed. I feel very isolated and hopeless after seeing so many doctors, and so many hospital/er visits, etc., and getting no help. It's incredibly discouraging. Thank you for the encouragement and advice.

Sharon, good advice from others. In addition, I recommend documenting her destructive behaviors and her attacks by recording them with your phone as best as you can and show them to the police. Take pictures of the damages to your properties, too.

I agree, document her destructive behavior and violence; document any visible signs of her attacks on you. Contact social services and see if they can't evaluate her at your home but do not delay in calling 911 immediately when she places hands on you. Once they have her at the hospital, refuse to take her home. Tell them in no uncertain terms it is not safe for her to be in your house.

I don't know where you live but her Docs sound horrible just passing her off one to another. Is there any way to get the neuro and psych together to make a decision? Maybe you can consider getting a geriatric manager to help get her properly medicated by the appropriate Docs and placed in an appropriate facility.

Best wishes for a quick and efficient conclusion to this disaster.

Hospital should not have sent her home! They were wrong to do that! Next time you take her to hospital…have talk with Social Worker to have her placed permanent in facility.

My mother is 94 years old with dementia & on Seroquel for a long time…sometimes works & then if not…needs to be increased. She does the biting thing too…along with hitting, scratching & cursing. She’s a handful for sure. However, she don’t walk ..& so to go to kitchen & grab knife to kill me…as she keeps threatening.
Hugs 🤗

I have the same advice. Do again as has been done before;

"When she melted down in his office (GP) and he had an ambulance take her to the hospital".

What needs to change is what happens next.

Question title is "Just want out". The really hard questions that come to my mind are 'do you want OUT.. of caregiving completely or maybe partially? Or is it a different thing you want, like, a cure?

If 'Out' it is, then being discharged to your home needs to stop. How does she currently get back back home from hospital? Does she get transported or do you collect her?

I think when you are so deep into crises it is hard to think & plan. But some 'blue & white hat' thinking is usually helpful. (Leave the more emotional hats off briefly).

SharonAS I am so sorry for what you're going through. A few weeks before my husband passed he was moving furniture and just trying to destroy everything. He was already on all sorts of medication for Alzheimers. His doctor increased Seroquel but it didn't help as it had in the past. Later I found out that he had pneumonia when it progressed. At that point though he would fight everyone and nothing was really done for him to fight the infection partly because he wouldn't let them and partly because they felt the Alzheimers had gone too far.

Your problems may be totally different from what I went through but I understand exactly how you feel. Could she have some underling cause like urinary tract infection?

What I discovered at that time when I desperately needed help, there was none. Nursing homes knew he was combative and would not take him. I never thought this could happen but it did. I thought they had staff that could handle these situations. I was forced to get Hospice in. Various types of medications did not help. In the end I had to call 911 and he was taken to the hospital where he was medicated and never seemed alert again before everything failed and he passed.

It was a true nightmare for me. I can only imagine what he went through but I didn't know what else to do.

I am sorry if this answer doesn't help but I just related to the experiences you are having and how you're feeling. I read a few comments questioning what you meant by wanting out. If you haven't been there like I was, you probably aren't able to understand the desperation in your post. I guess that is really all I wanted to convey to you.

May God be with you in this. Amen

Call 911 now! Repeat. Call 911 now. Don’t wait for the appointment with the new psychiatrist. The past is typically a precursor to the future, so don’t hold out for a miracle cure that is unlikely to happen. You need to call 911 now. Do not under any circumstance allow her to return to your home.

She needs professional help in a retirement home.

In Florida we have the Baker Act if she is a threat to herself or others. They will take her to a psych setting and determine the best care and medication. 3 day min stay depending on diagnosis. They can also assist with placement in to a memory care. Do you have a similar program?
Also if appropriate hospice can assist if she has a life limiting illness.

SharonAS,

I read your previous post and I'll say the same thing here.
Your mother cannot remain living in your house with you as her caregiver.
She is a threat to herself and others. The next time she gets worked up into a violent tantrum call 911. They will take her to the hospital. You go straight to the police station when she gets taken out of your home. Make an official statement and get a restraining order so she will not be allowed back to your house.
They will take her to the hospital. Then someone from the hospital will want to speak with you. Make sure you tell them she tries to hurt herself.
Show whoever the hospital sends to speak to you the restraining order and tell them that you cannot and will not allow her back into your home and that you refuse to continue caring for her.
They will keep her in the hospital until they find a suitable facility to put her in.
In the meantime, you do not have to allow yourself to be injured or your property wrecked because she is old and has dementia. No one would expect someone to live with a spouse or domestic partner who behaved like your mother. That would be domestic violence and abuse. You are living in domestic violence and abuse too.
I don't know what your physical strength and conditions are. The next time she comes at you, hit her back if you can. Use pepper spray. Shove her to the floor and restrain her with zip ties or handcuffs if you have to and leave her there until she calms down or tantrums herself into exhaustion. From what you say here she isn't suffering from any mobility issues and isn't weak and feeble if she can kick, bite, punch, and choke you. What will stop her next time from taking a kitchen knife and killing you with it? Or from smashing every window in your house? Or from burning your place down altogether?
She is a violent psychotic and you are in danger having her in your house. She has to be placed in a secure facility where she can't hurt her self and others. Drop her off at an ER before it's too late.

You can't go on like this. Both of you are in danger. My Mom was extremely violent, screamed for 3 days and said that if she didn't feel there would be repercussions, she would slit our throats. I went to social services. They had an elder abuse rep who came home with me. After 5 mins, she called the cops who took her to the ER. Hospital wanted to sedate her and send her home but I refused. Gotta be firm. I said that I didn't care where she went but that I was in fear for my Dad's life and mine. After a few hours of standing firm, Mom was sectioned and taken to the state psych hospital. Ghastly experience but she was there for 4 months getting proper help. She's now on a cocktail of Seroquel and an antidepressant and home with me. Different woman.

SharonAS, my Mom's journey started a little over 6 years ago when she was only 67 yrs old. Her first stay on the Geriatric Psych Ward was approximately 28 days. Yes, it took that long to get her "meds" adjusted for dementia with psychosis. She was only home (alone with health care coming by during the week) for 4 months before the state stepped in and took her to the hospital yet again. (long story with that one) I was called by the social worker from the hospital because the state was not aware my Mom HAD a daughter that had been there with her the first time. Because the state was now in custody of my Mom, I had to go to court to get guardianship of her. (no cost to me) Was told upon release she could not return home, so we found an AL for her. She lived there well for a little over 2 years before being moved upstairs to the MC part of the facility for another 2 years because she required additional care. THEN they called saying we had 30 days to find a NH for her because she required more care than they could provide. Well, we did it and imagine our surprise when she was assessed by the NH Dr and we found out it wasn't the original diagnosis at all, but Parkinson's! They cut out many of the meds the MC had her on, adjusted others and started new ones for PD. New Person Now! Long story but I'd definitely ask them to test her for Parkinson's. My prayers are with you and yours.

While I haven’t had any experience with this in my aging LO, I have watched or been around similar behavior in younger people one being my aunt when my cousin was 14-15 and it was awful. Their were other psychological circumstances there but it sure sounds like there might be a combo here of long time psychological imbalance, dementia setting in and who knows what else medically. You just haven’t been fortunate enough to get the rite doctors for her which is apparently hard to do. As long as you have MPOA or Heath care proxy of some sort I would first enlist the primary in finding a good geriatric psychiatrist and a geriatric neurologist who will work together. While I understand her primary won’t prescribe psychiatric medications and I understand why, Especially in your moms case it’s not a specialty a primary has enough training and experience in and frustrating as it is he or she is being responsible in not prescribing. However they should be coordinating the proper people and helping to make sure she does get the care she needs including ruling out other possible contributors. I would approach them with that responsibility, the hospital stay they expected to help didn’t and you need help and guidance with fining a team that will. If they aren’t helpful by being an integral part of it, communicating with the specialists and checking in regularly with what I’d going on it probably over this doctors head and your mom needs a new PCP. It does seem to be a bit harder these days when you involve the hospital and or rehab but I think you are going to have to again. If with her PC help you can set up with a good psychiatrist and or neurologist attached to the hospital that can facilitate her admittance so you aren’t just getting the on call or a much more inexperienced resident the process should be more productive, though there is no guarantee of course. Even if you can’t set it up ahead of time or if that’s taking more than a couple days I think you are going to have to, as others have suggested, call 911 when she is in the midst of her violent behavior so it’s documented by professionals not just you and they will take her either to the ER or direct to psyc hold depending on your system, if it can be directed by a specialist they may have her transported and sent directly to psyc floor or better yet elderly psyc facility but whichever way it works for you once she is in the hospital you do not nor should you take her back home unless and until you feel it’s safe for both of you (she is properly medicated and has been for a while, no longer violent and cooperative about taking her meds), they can not force you to take her home to your house and they are responsible if sending her home alone, they remain responsible for her care and safety until they can transfer that to someone else or she’s competent to be responsible for herself, stick to your guns. You can be involved you don’t have to dump and run but you also don’t have to help them by accepting the responsibility back unless and until you feel comfortable with that. It is best for both Mom and you to have her cared for by professional medical staff rite now, have the right people figuring out the best balance for her brain and body so in no way is this something to feel guilty about in fact just the opposite, she needs help just as much as you do. It may mean she never comes back to your home and that’s ok too. I know you feel weary and at the end of your ropes but you are a loving daughter who has already gone far an beyond any reasonable expectation in caring for your mom apparently without the support you should be getting from your sibling, you can get out from under this while still taking care of your mom.

After days of nonstop rampaging and no sleep I did call 911. Mom is back in the geriatric psych unit at the hospital. I had first called my brother and told him I was burnout and couldn't do it anymore. He said he needed a week. I couldn't wait a week. I hadn't slept and felt awful, so I called 911. When she gets out she won't be coming back with me. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel sad and guilty I couldn't make it work. I pray they get her on something so she can have some peace. I just want her to be ok.

Sharon, you've done the right thing to get your mom the professional help she needs and deserves. Well done!

ugh, but you saw it w/your own eyes.
My mom acts seriously disturbed from time to time and no one would believe it if they didn't see it.
She is manipulative YEARS in advance.
She plants small scenarios in the universe then calls on them if needed.
She won't take no for an answer.
She retaliates constantly for perceived slights.
She is full of grievance.
She threatened to "slap you if you don't shut up"
when I was concerned about her not stringing sentences together and questioning if she was ok/
I see her becoming what your mom is
I'm so sorry you had to do this
I'm making her house foolproof, she'll have to bust holes in the walls to hurt herself in there

Well done Sharon!

Now she can get the help she needs and you can be her daughter and advocate.

Sounds unrealistic!

Best of luck to you and your family. It is never easy to make these types of decisions. And right now you know she is getting the help she needs.

Hi,
I feel your pain.
im going to give you the nuclear option no one discusses but is the only answer when your own life is being destroyed.
The next time she goes to the hospital, don’t pick her up.
Talk to a social worker at the hospital and explain that you’re not safe in your house with her and that she needs to be institutionalized due to her psychosis.
I’m angry on your behalf that she’s been bounced back to you like that. Your own life is being destroyed and that’s wrong.
The hospital probably won’t be thrilled, but too bad. It’s unconscionable that the medical community has not helped you.
But you need to stand firm and demand that they find her an appropriate placement, not with you anymore.
I hope this helps you. I know everything about this hurts and your life has come to a full stop. But even though this may seem drastic, I think it may be your only option.
Best of luck and hugs.

Grief, Sharon, grief. That’s what you’re feeling.

Guilt implies that you’ve done something wrong. Which you HAVEN’T.

I’m not sure why our society puts pressure on family members to remedy the chaos that accompanies a broken brain. They we don’t face that pressure when our LO has a broken hip, for example. That would be LOONEY.

But, here we are. Feeling that if WE can’t deal with DEMENTIA all by ourselves, there is something wrong with US.

SO, as the first lesson I learned here said, it’s GREIF. It’s sad. It all stinks. But, you did all you really could.

Good for you for getting your mom the care that she needs! And, thanks for the update.