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OK, it is my turn to ask this group for help. For those who do not know....I live 5 hrs from my parents. My Dad was placed in dementia unit last January and mom, with her own dementia beginnings is alone at home, in same town. This is our first holiday season living this way, and Thanksgiving was awful. I felt bad that we left Dad alone, but I drove down to Tucson and brought Mom back here for Thanksgiving. Hubby tolerated her, because we had friends here for dinner too and it was only 4 days she was here. She whined and cried about being away from Dad the whole time, but, then again, she wouldn't stay there by herself to go be with him during the holiday because she hates being around 'those people' and finds fault constantly with the place he is in. NOW...Christmas....she wants me to bring him up here with her! I said NO...I cannot do 24/7 care plus her and hubby too....and it's not good to move him to strange location for days. Hubby doesn't want her here by herself either. She's a real pistol to have around because everything is about her, and she's like a puppy dog who constantly follows me around and wants me to give her undivided attention. My parents and husband have never gotten along and he's spent years being nice and tolerating them at holidays and other visits. He won't go to their house because we cannot take our dog and Mom has too many 'rules' in her home. She is very OCD about life. No shoes on in the house etc. Super cleanliness...Hoards food and other stuff and doesn't cook. Anyhow....he won't go there with me. I want to support him, as he's got his own health issues and is currently being worked up for early Parkinson's disease, so he's got a lot he is dealing with. HE says I should just go down there for Christmas and spend it with both of them and leave him home alone. BUT....he doesn't do well alone for days either, especially when 'snowed in' during winter. I was unhappy myself not being with Dad at Thanksgiving, thinking these are likely his last holidays, and even if he doesn't remember after the fact, he will remember at the time that he is alone and others have family around them and wonder why we or Mom are not there. So, I don't know what decision to make. IF I go to get her, I have to bring her back on the 20th as she has an MD apt on the 19th that I was going to go down at attend to with her. Otherwise, I come back for a couple days and then go again to get her. Of course, then, cannot take her back until the 26th or 27th....so 6 or 7 days here and hubby doesn't want her around all that time. And all that will happen is the 3 of us sitting around here together, as all the other family....2 daughters and their families, live out of town. Holidays were tolerable to him, with my parents around, when we had the girls and husbands and grandkids coming from one side or the other. Of course, Christmas for me, at her house won't be fun either except for being able to be with my Dad. I would want to spend lots of time there with him....and do all the facility celebrations because she won't have anything special going on at her house. She will attempt to undermine that time with him though, cause she always does. In reality, even though she is in the same town with him, she cannot bring herself to spend more than an hour a day visiting him. She treats it like visiting a pt in the hospital.....yet whines constantly about all the things they do wrong there. She won't deal with her own issues, expects me to phone them and fix all her issues with them for her!! She doesn't like it there and won't eat with him or go and stay any longer than an hour. It is so frustrating and I am at the end of my rope here trying to determine how to make a decision. Please share your thoughts to help me!

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"…and keep everyone happy"? Ho ho ho!

Oh, sorry, you were serious? No no no, then: it can't be done. Joannes, what would make you happiest (short of the unattainable everyone else being happy)? Do that.
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Thanks to everyone for the ideas so far! I also counseled with our daughter who has a MS in Counseling yesterday. She is so grounded, reasonable and full of love. So right now, based on reading all of these comments too....I am thinking I will go down to Tucson with them for 3-4 days from 24 through 27. To Chicago....yes....I am living in the White Mtns, so weather has a lot to do with any decision at this time of year and everything could change at the last minute. I drive a Hondah Accord....so I don't go if there's predicted snow. Even if I could get there....I do NOT want to get snowed OUT either and be stuck down there for several extra days either!! Most of you pointed out that I should do what is best for me first... Jinx mentioned the concern for future holidays and husband's health...something I had not considered yet. HE and I talked yesterday and he would rather miss Christmas day with me....to avoid having Mom here for 7 whole days. He says we can celebrate our Christmas after I come back. And, as he pointed out....going down on the 23 or 24th gives me more time to get our out of state gifts wrapped and shipped. We also discussed that we are feeling much like gladimhere this year....BAH HUMBUG about the holiday in general...and if I go there and no one comes here, we do not have to do all the decorating and planning and special dinner plans and have the huge grocery bill either. We can put up the tree and few little decorations that we love and have it just be about us when I get back. I WILL enjoy being with Dad at his facility and doing little things to add to a nice Christmas for those residents in his cottage that may not have family come too....little gifts, surprises etc. And I WILL insist that we spend most of the day with him....or go back and forth a couple different times to be with him there. In reality,to ismiami, because of my own health issues and finances, I cannot make multiple trips back and forth at 5 hrs each way myself. Already, just for the parents own health issues, it is regularly coming to bi monthly and that is hard. Coming home with her for Thanksgiving, I was so fatigued from driving that I ran into the house....so car is currently in the shop. Second time in 3 years I've done this and long story about nerve damage in my right leg! So, more frequent trips are not possible, nor is doing close together trips. I need two days rest between driving minimally all the time! Veronica, hubby is willing to travel with me to help with driving, but his comfort level is to stay home. He sleeps on Cpap/oxygen so travel overnight is not easy. He enjoys being at home too. But that's possible...and especially if we aren't happy about weather, since his vehicle is 4WD. Pstiegman....you are totally on about Mom. All her life she's been as she is now, only her dementia beginnings is starting to make her worse even. I am learning NOT to be manipulated most of the time. She IS drama and like a 5 yr old whining. And countrymouse is totally right! I cannot keep everyone happy! And, as major holidays go, there are life changes we must adjust to. We had to go through the changes when we moved from Tucson in 2005 and again, 4 years ago, when our daughters moved away with their families due to their husbands work too...so, as my daughter pointed out, this is just another life change we have to work through. And finally, to blannie, I must say, that to keep ME happy, the best choice is to be with my Dad on Christmas Day, because while it is true that he won't remember after the visiting time, he WILL be aware that day that he is alone and that family isn't with him. He has enough awareness left that he misses when Mom doesn't come and he still recognizes people he knows and HE, much more than MOM was my strength and support as a parent. I promised HIM that I would take care of both of them, when he early on knew about his dementia. He had always been the one in charge. Mom had always been weird as she is and he knew she wouldn't be able to care for him. So doing my best for HIM in his last days is much more important to my happiness, than being focused on keeping my mother happy. I've known since around age 12 that there was no way anyone could ever 'make' her happy cause she will take no responsibility for her own happiness, life or decisions anyhow...never has....and now is increasingly unable to even if she tried. It's been great how each of you added different aspects to my decision and now I really think I can go forward with strength and organization for the next couple weeks! THANK YOU ALL!!
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I think your first obligation is to your husband. Your father won't remember the holiday or what happened, so don't make yourself guilty over missing something he won't remember. Your mom won't be happy whatever you do, so don't worry about her. She's going to be miserable either way. So stay home with hubby and enjoy your holiday.

If you want to go down the week after and celebrate your "own" family Christmas, then do that. Why get hung up on the actual day? It's more about the feelings of love and joy and family. So find some love and joy at home on the actual day and then go share it with your mom and dad on your own timetable. And quit worrying about what other people think of you. You're doing the best you can for the ones you love. That's the most anyone can expect from you and the most you should expect from yourself.
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I agree whatever you do you need to make your husband your priority.
Would he consider going to stay in a motel (that allows dogs) near to your parents? Is your Dad fit enough to go out of the facility and behave reasonably in public? Could you take him to mother's house and have the meal there? You may have to buy the meal pre cooked from a supermarket to save yourself the hassle of Mom's kitchen. Have the meal together then take Dad back to the N/H & hubby to the hotel. Take Mom home and spend a little time with her and clear up the food. Go back to the N/H and spend time with Dad. If both parents will behave in public have the meal in a resteraunt. It can be anytime on Christmas Eve or Christmas day.
Learn from Thanksgiving and don't bring anyone to your house,
Let Mom go to her appointment on the 19th on her own and drive down on the 22nd or 23rd. If your hubby may have Parkinsons he certainly does not want to be around demented people and reminded what the future holds for him. You can spend lots of time with Dad if hubby is content to be in the hotel watching TV.
You could arrange to have your own celebration at new years and invite the kids and their families which they will enjoy without grandma and you both will be less stressed. I hope you have learned from this that there is no way Mom is coming to live with you if you want to stay married. Many facilities celebrate their holiday meal before the 25th so maybe you could join Dad for that. I think there are more options than were apparent at first sight. Mom won't be happy whatever you do and you need to spend time with your Dad even if he does not remember it.
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Hi! I am in Tucson, too. I am not certain where you are located, but you mentioned snow. So, if you also have to deal with the weather, I would certainly be staying home. It sounds like your husband has enough stress without dealing with your Mother.

My MIL is at Mountain View assisted living, but there are some NHs that aren't too good. (We checked out several.)

What were your parents plans for when their health began to fail? Your Mother's lack of planning can't be considered an emergency for you. It sounds like you have done your best. You can't reason with your mother (mine is 94), so enjoy Christmas and don't go to Tucson.
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You cannot EVER satisfy and make happy all the people all the time. Do whatever you need to do for yourself and hubby. Could you go there for a couple of days, you decide the length of time? Maybe even between Christmas and New Years?

I'm just not feeling in any sort of holiday spirit this year, its worse than last year. Please just January hurry up and get here already! BAHHUMBUG!!!!
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Here are 2 books that I have in front of me, to give you an idea of what is out there. The 36 Hour Day - Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins. A guide for caring with people who have alzheimers, etc. And The Boomer Burdern - Julie Hall. Dealing with your parents lifetime accumulation of stuff.
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Make your husband happy first, and yourself as well. Your mom is playing the guilt card on you, don't fall for it. She should attend the festivities at the facility and if she won't, tell her "That's your choice and you'll have to live with it." You saw at Thanksgiving that you cannot win, and if you brought both of them in for Christmas, she would find fault with that too. Avoid the drama, and do NOT listen to her whining, get off the phone. Like a five-year old, if whining gets her way, she will whine all the louder.
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Just to be different:

This might be the one time to take your husband at his word and spend Christmas with Mom and Dad. If your husband is starting to get sick, you will never again want to spend time away from him. This is the last time.

You are easier to move than either parent. If you go by yourself, you can stay only as long as you like. You will have done your duty for all future holidays.

Hope my contrary opinion helps you decide what you want to do!
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I would pick up mom early on the 24, take her to lunch with dad....if you have to so does she. Bring her home for the 25th dinner w hubby and mom. Return her on the 26 or 27 and spend the rest of the time with hubby. Maybe nice easy to prep finger foods and champagne for the 31st and a daytime outing on the first, maybe lunch at a picturesque spot....just the two of you to set he tone for 2014.

It is a lot of driving, but that is what I would probably do.
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