Hello,
My Grandma will be 102yrs old the fall and my mother, brother and I have been taking care of her for almost 2 years now. She had a massive stroke at the beginning of the year that effected her speech. With that said my mother has medical and durable PoA. With the COVID going around we have had to resort to protecting her health but ours as well. My uncle and cousins have been trying to come down to see her from Oklahoma and Denver, Colorado. We have advised them to wait til COVID dies down a bit to attempt to see her. Now my uncle has hired a lawyer telling us to we must allow him to see his mother. Which we have never stoped him from seeing her, but his health is not good and could not take care of her in the first place. And wants unsupervised visits while he is here. We don’t want our grandma to catch the virus. Any help on what my mother can do legally to protect my grandma's health until Covid has died down.
It sounds like a power issue or conflict around rights. A lot of that going on these days. Another added dilemma to end of life with dysfunctional families.
I can relate. I invited family members into the backyard for visits and agreed to video visits on not zoom but another platform. Certain ones became accusatory and requested that I not participate in the visits. I experienced personal low blows and verbal bullying. Not sure any of this was necessary. Anyway, I felt something legal might arise too but all you can really do is make sure you all are doing what's best under the circumstance. If your uncle's intention is to have closure then there should be a way for a visit. If it's a power play then call it that. A visit may not be completely private as he wishes but a compromise at the very least.
Good luck to us all that have to deal with troubles with social support. Thank you for taking care of your grandmother.
Do not ignore the letter. Rather, your mother should consider writing back to the lawyer with one simple offer of compromise: to do regular Facetime chats between your grandmother and your uncle (his "client"). She should also provide the attorney with a copy of her durable POA. That will put the lawyer on notice that, if his client has any funny business in mind, he and his client will be in a world of trouble.
I replied in writing listing the ways I was facilitating access and that it was reasonable in the circumstances. I also listed the times the Dad had not taken advantage of his visitation times.
For OP, reply to the letter in writing. State that you would welcome phone calls or FaceTime visits between your Uncle and his mother. If you have suggested these in the past, record the dates you made the suggestions. If you made these suggestions via email, then include copies of the emails. Include your local state guidelines regarding reducing the spread of Covid-19 and report how your household is adhering to them to protect your grandmother.
Let the lawyer know that your grandmother is bed bound and unable to speak very well. Let him know that family is in attendance 24/7 to see to her needs and list those needs, from top to tail. Make it clear that a family member has to be available and within hearing range to meet her needs.
Lastly, talk to grandma's doctor or your local health authority and ask for guidance in how it could be possible to make a visit safe and possible. If Uncle is coming from another state, what are the isolation rules for state to state travel? As he would have to enter your home, what safety precautions does he need to take? Add this information to the letter you send the lawyer.
The reply will be from the point of view that you have been following state and local health authorities guidelines to keep Grandma safe. You have offered remote visits, phone and FaceTime, and are not being unreasonable. You will present documents from the local and state authorities, so your Uncle cannot complain that you are making up safety precautions. You reiterate that Grandma needs 24/7 care and Uncle is not experienced in providing this care, as grandma is not able to verbalize her needs, family have to be close by to assess her needs.
Send your reply by registered mail to the lawyer, not your Uncle. The lawyer only knows what your Uncle has told him. He also cannot force you to act in a way that compromises your grandmother's health and safety or goes against state and local health authorities guidelines.
Now having said all that, start to think about how you can facilitate a visit. Does Grandma's bedroom have a ground floor window, where they can do a window visit? Is there another room in the home where this could happen? Can she get into a wheelchair? Can you facilitate a visit at a distance outside?
Lastly, keep in mind she will die sooner than later. People are still dying on things not related to Covid-19.
Sorry if this sounds blunt, but going to THIS level to protect a 102 year old woman is a bit extreme, in my opinion. It's more important for your grandmother to feel the love and closeness of her family than it is for her to be exposed to germs.
Best of luck!
"Anyone can get a lawyer (or someone pretending to be a lawyer) to send a letter just to see if it has any affect on the situation. If the attorney really thought he could enforce any action, he/she'd call you on the phone instead of writing a letter."
This isn't true. Responsible attorneys do not engage in these kinds of tactics. Some attorneys aren't reputable, especially if they're not good attorneys and need money and gullible clients, but still, they have to worry about reputations and legality of actions. Sending "test" letters isn't anything I've seen done in decades of legal work.
I also disagree with the concept of literally testing to determine effect. Attorneys plan their course of action before initiating it, with primary, secondary and following courses of actions.
Introductory letters can be followed up phone calls, but calling first is just not something that's likely to be done. CYA and documentation are important aspects to potentially contested actions, and documentation means in writing, not by a phone call.
And by the way, "pretending to be a lawyer" is likely actionable under state laws, or at least by the State Bar.
We are learning more each day about how this disease is transmitted and it is not a given that two people who share the same space will necessarily pass the virus between them, or even that a frail 102 year old will die once infected (god forbid).
Stress and fear destroy your immune system, so I would not personally recommend living in a bubble with those emotions as your constant companion.
Every single time anyone in your family goes out the front door you risk bringing the virus back through the door with you. Are you saying that none of you leave the house or bring anything from the outside in?
Your answers sound more like there is a great dislike of this uncle/brother than protecting grandma. Perhaps you would get better answers if you gave us the real story instead of the covid cover.
This could very well cause the poster problems.
They can indeed refuse anyone access to their home, however, it is not a good idea when you are dealing with vulnerable people.
I would respond with the rules of a visit, consequences for not following the rules and let them enjoy their visit. She is after all 102 and no one lives forever. Perhaps he is dying and would like to see his mom.